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WTF?   
03:05am 23/02/2013
 
mood: pissed off
Are you fuckin' kidding me dude? Seriously?
 
     

(Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again..    
06:28pm 13/02/2013
 
mood: cynical
Oh here it goes again! So, I haven't really written in this things since I was in college. Well, at least not regularly.. but lately I really haven't felt like I have anyone to talk to. Erm, not exactly no one that I can talk to.. maybe just no one that I can trust. I seem to be losing friends left and right. The shitty part is that it's good friends that I'm losing. Ones that actually rip holes in your heart through which you can see tiny angels weeping vs. the on and off type of friends that you run into and maybe hang out with once in a while. Blah. Anyway, I suppose I should give this a quick update of my current situation.. got married in 2008. I realized less than a year later that I had no idea what the fuck I was thinking. It's not that I don't agree with marriage, I do, but I had this glamourized Cinderella type of little girl view of what marriage was going to be and holy fuck was I wrong. I thought getting married would solve every problem that Cyril and I were having when in reality the problem was that I was dating Cyril. I think I stayed as long as I did because for once in my life, and probably her life, my mom wasn't worried about me. Only because Cyril had money. Not that he ever gave any of it to me or helped me with any of my financial issues.. but whatever. I didn't need or want his help anyway. So yeah.. my grandmother died in September of 2012. At the time of her passing I had no one to talk to about how I was feeling. My mother was all weird about everything because she felt like, and still does feel like, I blamed her. I don't but we can get into that whole chestnut later. Enter Phil. I started talking to this dude that I randomly met on FB. He was cute as hell.. and funny.. and just there. He listened. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger. I dunno. That sounds sort of cliche but it's true. Anyway.. blah blah blah.. I fell in love with Phil. Cyril and I were already done so it didn't really matter. Phil moved here from NY in October of that year and we've been together since. It's hard. I never really realized how damaged I am from being married to Cyril. I used to be all cocky and confident, and I still am.. but most of it's fake. To be honest most of the time I just feel disgusting and worthless. I feel like a giant disappointment too. I dunno. I hate what he made me into. I wish that I had never met him. Things would have been so much easier. I'd still probably be a evil slutbag though.. and I wouldn't have met Phil. Anyway.. Phil and I have our problems like any other couple. The things is though.. I have no one to talk to about them. The ride or die friends that I do have, I don't want to burden with my nonesense, and the ones that I normally would be talking to about this shit have actually turned out to be giant dickbags. So yeah, that's where I am at this point. So LJ will once again by the place where I have to vent all of my frustrations. I'm going to start fresh with a new entry in a minute. Think of this as just an introduction to this phase of my life..
 
     

(2 Confessions | Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
Interview me..   
03:36pm 30/07/2009
 
Asked by:  [info]cryptsmell

1. What is your favorite candy flavor? I love peppermint things. Especially when it burns!!
2. Who inspires you most in your life and why? I can't say that one particular person has inspired me in my life, but I highly regard the type of people that stand up for themselves even when standing alone. Those that follow their dreams with unfailing passion, and people that aren't afraid to live their lives for them and no one else.   :P
3. If you could own an exotic animal, what would it be? A monkey!! I've always wanted a monkey. They're so cute!!!!
4. How would you describe your 'style'? Hmm.. my style changes from day to day. I'd say my style is a mixture of girly, rocker, pin-up, goth, punk, deliciously ghetto, and.. that's probably about it..
5. How much do you loooove Lorelee and I? I love you guys so much!!! I miss the hell out you too!!! I was in Salem last November for my honeymoon and I was going to ask you guys if you'd want to hang out!!! I'll be back there this November for my anniversary too.
 
     

(4 Confessions | Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
When I find myself in times of trouble..   
11:08pm 14/07/2008
 
mood: crushed

My friend Cesar killed himself last night, or early this morning.. not exactly sure which. He met my sister in college and they started dating, that's how we came to be friends. They broke up and dated again years later. He stayed at our house on and off. He was around a lot. I cared about him so much. There's this immense guilt that comes with suicide. Like.. I feel like I should have been able to help him, or stop him. No one saw this coming. He called my sister around two in the morning last night. She said that he talked to her like nothing was wrong. Then a few hours later the cops called her and that's how she found out. I just can't believe it. He was so caring and incredibly kind. I never would have thought that'd something like this would happen. He always seemed so happy.. I just don't know. I'm going to miss him so much. He was there for me when I needed someone to talk to.. my parents love him so much. It's just so sad to think that someone so great is gone from this world. I know that I'll see him again eventually, I'm just really going to miss him till then...

 
     

(2 Confessions | Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
Jesus jumped up Christ!!!   
11:06am 10/03/2008
 
mood: depressed
So, I'm a loser and I watch Big Brother. Jenny watches it too. So, we usually watch out in the living room together while Cyril watches basketball or whatever in our bedroom. Last night after the show was over I went into lay in bed with Cyril for a while because if we're in seperate rooms for an extended period of time he gets whiney. I go in and he's asleep. So, I lay down and I wake him up. I asked him if we were going to watch the Pison's game since that was what he had on t.v. (even though he was completely asleep and had been for about 10 minutes because I could hear him snoring in the living room.) He said yes and that he wasn't planning on watching the whole thing.. so I shut up and we started watching the game together. A few minutes later.. he's asleep again. Now I don't like basketball. I didn't want to sit there and watch it if he wasn't even watching it. So, I asked him if he fell asleep if I could change the channel. He got all cranky but gave me the remote. He falls asleep again and I wake him up because his favorite player got hurt. I told him that the next time he feel asleep I was going to change the channel. He was going to let me change it in ten minutes anyway so I could watch the new episode of the L Word. Anyway.. he falls asleep again and I change the channel. He wakes up and takes out the dog. When he came back into the room he just freaked out on me saying that all I do is complain all the time about what he's watching on t.v. and that I act like there's no other televisions in the house. That's a complete full of shit statement. I usually always watch whatever I want in another room because he won't watch it with me. He makes fun of just about everything that I watch and then he says that all I ever do is watch television. Usually I watch it when there's nothing else to do. Like when he's asleep.. or on the internet.. or no one is home.. There are a handful of shows that I actually watch.. and I'd never make him watch them if he didn't want to. I thought I was being nice by spending some time with him.. even watching the game.. but I wasn't going to watch it if he wasn't even watching it. Then we got into his huge fuckin' fight because I was pissed. He was making me feel like a complete piece of shit. Like some terrible person that does nothing but watch t.v. and complain all the time. I just started crying. So, I got up and went to the bathroom to compose myself. When I came back he asked why I was crying and I sort of ignored him. Then he apologized for saying that all I do is complain because I made him realize how he had said it and apparently that wasn't what he meant.. I dunno. I think he really does feel that way and he just happened to let it slip out of anger. So, I said something about the slut bag girl that he was flirting with over the internet because I knew that it would hurt him and I wanted to hurt him because he hurt me. (Fucked up I know..but still.) So we both go to sleep without saying anything to each other. I didn't sleep very well. So, I ended up sleeping in this morning and I wake up to a phone call to him reeming me out for ignoring him this morning. I tried to explain to him that I was still sleeping.. but he wasn't getting it at first. He just kept saying that every other morning I talk to him.. then it finally sunk into his head that I was still sleeping unlike every other morning when I'm awake and texting.. or talking to him on the phone. Gah. I was just so spun out last night. I mean.. is this going to be my life? Fighting all the time.. crying on the bathroom floor because the man that's supposed to love me for the rest of my life is making me feel like biggest piece of shit? If you think about it.. it was the dumbest fuckin' thing to start an arguement over.. but once you say something hurtful to me.. I have a problem with not backing down. I dunno. I just needed to vent about that I guess. I think I'm going to go lie back down because that's about all I feel like doing.
 
     

(Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
Random rantings..   
07:50am 03/03/2008
 
mood: aggravated
About a month ago I was doing laundry and when I walked into the kitchen (the washer and drawer are in a hallway off of the kitchen) there was a giant puddle of water coming from the hallway. So, my brother-in-law tells me that there's a hose that doesn't have a very good connection and every now and then it comes unattached and water gets everywhere. So, I clean it up and we fix the problem and I finish the laundry. From that point until yesterday the hose was fine. Cyril did laundry earlier that morning, and then Jenny did laundry later on in the afternoon and nothing happened. Matt then came home with his girlfriend around seven and he proceeds to do a load of laundry. He walks back into the kitchen and finds that there's a river coming out of the hallway. So, he throws some towels down and goes back to his room. About an hour later he leaves with his girlfriend to go back to her house.. and he leaves the soaking wet towels on the floor. I was kinda pissed because I knew that I would have to be the one to clean it up. So, I send him a text message.. well.. I'll just re-enact it for you..

Me: You left all those towels on the floor.
Him: They were still soaking up the water.
Me: Well, now I have to clean it up.
Him: Wow.
Me: Wow what?
Him: I told you and Cyril that the hose comes undone.

It might seem really stupid.. but I was totally livid after this conversation. His arguement didn't even make any sense. For starters.. after a towel is completely saturated.. it can't soak up anymore water. So, leaving them there for an hour did absolutely nothing. Plus, he left a giant puddle of water without a towel on top of it. I'm not sure if that was supposed to get soaked up magically or what.. and then to say that this isn't his fault because he told Cyril and I that the hose comes undone and that we should check it. So, before every load of laundry Cyril and I should go out to the washing machine and make sure that the hose is properly attached? Obviously it came undone in between Jenny's laundry and his laundry. Shouldn't he have been the one to check the hose and make sure everything was ago? No, of course not. Not Matt. Everything is always someone else's fault. This coming from the tool bag that threw away my tooth brush one day because he thought it was his and he had just bought a new one.. and then when I asked if anyone knew  where my tooth brush was he was like.. "Uh.. maybe it's in the trash can." But he couldn't admit that he was the one that had thrown it away. Gah! To make a long story short Matt is just a walking double standard.. and I just really needed to get that off my chest and this is really the only outlet that I have where no one that I wouldn't want to see this would. Wow.. that felt nice. Expect more of these because since I moved into this house my life is nothing but other people's bullshit drama and petty squabbles that I always seem to get pulled into. Fun, huh? 
 
     

(Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
A difference of opinion..   
08:48am 28/02/2008
 
mood: sick
I guess you could say that my situation has slightly improved since my last post. My fiance is now swearing that he's going to change and stop seeking attention from random whores via the internet. (he claims that for some reason this time is different and it's actually sunk into him that if he does it again I'm gone and we're through..) But whenever it's brought up he still insists that he wasn't cheating because "he didn't fuck  her." That almost infuriates me. I mean.. he was emotionally invested in whatever was going on with her. He would call her on his way home from work. He would call her during work.. or have her call him. They were texting all the time. If he was that bored/lonely at work.. why wouldn't he call me? I just get so mad because he doesn't understand that he took time away that he could have been spending with me and spent it on some fuckin' whore. Bah. I don't even really want to talk about it right now.. I guess I just needed to get that off my chest.
 
     

(Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
The cycle is all too familiar to me..   
10:58am 18/02/2008
 
mood: crushed

So.. my future husband has been cheating on me via the internet. Yeah.. we had this problem when we first started dating. He has a myspace and he was always posting on skeazy ass girls' pictures telling them how hot they were and about how badly he wanted to fuck them. We talked about it and he said that he'd stop. Then we talked about it again and he said that he'd stop. I'm guessing it was around that point that he just started doing it through messages and e-mails. Way back when we first started dating he tried to kiss another girl right in front of me and lied about it. Then he'd ask girls to send him naked pictures and shit and he lied to my face more than once about that.. until he got hammered one night and mistakenly admitted it. Anyway.. he's got all of these sluts names in his cell.. because he texts and calls them all the time. He keeps saying that they're just friends.. but you don't talk to your friends inappropriately like that. Especially when you're set to get married in less than eight months. I go back and forth from being so angry to being so sad and depressed about the whole situation. It's driving me fuckin' crazy. He keeps saying that it's finally sinking in now and that he's going to change/stop.. but he said the same thing the last four times.. and obviously he didn't. I feel physically ill. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to cry all the time. I wanted to hate him, but I can't. I love him and maybe that will be my downfall. Gah.

 
     

(4 Confessions | Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
Feh..   
05:03pm 18/11/2007
 
mood: depressed
Sometimes I just want to scream. It's not necessary to be mean for no apparent reason. Nor is it necessary to make me feel like I don't pull my weight. Every other day I come incredibly close to just calling it quits and letting you take your vision in whatever direction you want. Rise to the occasion, or drive it into the ground. Whatever you want. 
 
     

(Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
Coming straight out the casket..   
05:15pm 09/10/2007
 
mood: worried

..So, I'm back from the dead. Who knows how long it will last. I guess ultimately I'm forcing this to become my catharsis. I needed some sort of release for all of the garbage that's been floating around in my head. I've just got all of these crazy ass paranoid thoughts. Unfortunately I don't have the time to get into it now. Well, I'm not really doing this so people can read my entries and pity me.. It's more for me to vent. I don't even care if anyone reads this. I just need to get a lot of this shit out of my head and gone for good. I'm not saying that I wouldn't mind some advice, I just don't think that at this point it would do any good. This is the type of thing that you've gotta get through on your own. Bah.. for now I'm off to finally hang my clothing up in the closet. Which is sad because I've lived here since February.. but the closet was finally cleaned out and now there's room for all of my shit. The little things in life are what keep me going. I'm excited for a closet.

 
     

(3 Confessions | Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
Are you running away from you?   
01:21pm 09/02/2005
 
mood: crappy
So, Ryan woke me up at the ass crack of dawn yesterday and asked me if I wanted to go to a show in Philly with him, some guy that he works with, and one of that guy's friends. The show was pretty good. The bands were Misery Signals, Remembering Never, Emery, and Eighteen Visions. The first too bands were so hardcore. Emery was all right. They were better than I thought they were going to be.. nice stage presence anyway.. but yeah.. Eighteen Visions rocked. I'm fuckin' beat and hungry.. mm... food..
 
     

(Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
I lied..   
04:42pm 05/10/2004
 
mood: crushed
When I said that I wouldn't write in this god damn journal again, I lied.. obviously because I'm writing in the fucker right now. Funny how things work out, isn't it? I really just want to rip out my heart. I swear I'm done this time..
 
     

(Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
I'll probably never post in this journal again. So, over and out..   
01:12am 19/08/2004
 
mood: game over
The flowers you gave me are just about to die. When I think about what could've been it makes me want to cry. The sweet words you whispered didn't mean a thing. I guess our song is over as we begin to sing. Could've been so beautiful, could've been so right. Could've been my lover, every day of my life. Could've been so beautiful, could've been so right. I'll never hold what could've been on a cold and lonely night. The memories of our lovin' still linger in the air like the faded scent of your roses, they stay with me everywhere. Everytime I get my hopes up, they always seem to fall. Still what could've been is better than what could never be at all. Could've been my lover, every day of my life. Could've been so beautiful, could've been so right. I'll never hold what could've been on a cold and lonely night. How could I hold what could've been on a cold and lonely night?
 
     

(Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
Too late for apologies?   
02:08am 05/06/2004
 
mood: bored

The Last Time AgainCollapse )

 
     

(Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
Take it, Bitch. . .   
09:41pm 16/02/2004
 
mood: amused
Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band::Mindless Self Indulgence (MSI)
Are you female or male::Pussy All Night
Describe yourself::I'm Your Problem Now
How do some people feel about you::Dickface
How do you feel about yourself::Holy Shit
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend::Faggot
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend::Harry Truman
Describe where you want to be::Future
Describe what you want to be::Diabolical
Describe how you live::Keepin' Up With The Kids
Describe how you love::Ready For Love
Share a few words of wisdom::Kick The Bucket

Bands // Song Titles brought to you by BZOINK!
 
     

(Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
Back on Earth. . .   
03:06pm 02/02/2004
 
mood: apathetic
So, I've noticed a trend lately in my journals.. ever since the whole Ryan fiasco I've been in the habit of posting incredibly lame song lyrics. I'm dreadfully sorry that I went all emo. I swear, it won't happen again. I've gotta stop neglecting this journal too. So, prepare for a shitload of more friend's only entries. I've got a lot of shit to get off my chest...
 
     

(2 Confessions | Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
Whispers at the bus stop. . .   
11:40pm 15/01/2004
 
mood: disappointed
Tell me do you think it'd be all right if I could just crash here tonight? You can see I'm in no shape for driving, and anyway I've got no place to go. And you know it might not be that bad, you were the best I'd ever had. If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago I might not be alone. Tomorrow we can drive around this town, and let the cops chase us around. The past is gone but something might be found to take its place...hey jealousy. And you can trust me not to think, and not to sleep around. If you don't expect too much from me you might not be let down. Cause all I really want is to be with you feeling like I matter too. If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you. Tomorrow we can drive around this town, and let the cops chase us around. The past is gone but something might be found to take its place...hey jealousy. She took my heart. There's only one thing I couldn't start.
 
     

(Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
Meow, Baby!!!!   
08:51pm 10/01/2004
 
mood: horny
She sure could grind...Collapse )
 
     

(8 Confessions | Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
No more regrets...   
06:52pm 30/12/2003
 
mood: envious
I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky,
But why, why, why can't it be,
Why can't it be mine?
 
     

(Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)

 
Here I am, rock you like a hurricane...   
04:57pm 30/12/2003
 
mood: bored
Jason just called me. I guess we're going to make some plans to hang out sometime this week. It should be fun. Bah. I still need to get all of my CDs back from Eddie. I really need that Spider-Man soundtrack. That's a great fucking CD. Lisa e-mailed me last night. We're going to meet up at her place sometime Friday night and exchange gifts and shit. I hope she likes what I got her. I really miss Lisa. This will be the first time that her and I have hung out since before I left to start the semester. Craziness. I watched S.W.A.T. today. It was pretty damn good. Well, anything with fucking Colin Farrel in it is good enough for me. That man is just.. wow.. yeah. That's about all I have to say about that. I had a really odd dream last night. Jon Morrill and Shaun Mahon were in it. Haha. I was like.. what the hell. Anyway. I need to get out of this house. I swear the walls are closing in.
 
     

(Forgive me Father, for I have sinned)