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"Just like that, I lost myself. I had no idea who I was anymore, and I had no idea what the feelings that were stirring inside of me were or what they meant. I had no idea why I was crying. I've never cried so much before. I looked in the mirror, and I saw a girl I didn't recognize. Someone who looks like they just survived Hell and has no idea how to move on in life."



THE END.
<3

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7 years ago


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yesterday ;)

fadetoblonde <~~~

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So I've decided that I will be leaving THIS livejournal shortly, kinda like closing a chapter in my life and starting a new one. God knows i've been thru everything and back, just like most of you. Ive hung onto some things that even 8 years later cause me such a deep pain, I don't want to feel it, so I find as many ways possible to numb it. Replacing addiction after addiction...one extreme to the next, just pure insanity. Its the only way I can explain the feeling. And I can't sit here and say that I've ever felt normal ....even in the years of early child hood, I new there was nothing normal about mt. Or atleast thats the way I felt. Lack of attention from my father? probably. the unstable household, usually being with my wonderful grandma who has given her WORLD to us and ALL of her grandchildren, IDK where that feeling steamed from. I didnt have a BAD childhood. I got everything I wanted. I Always had the nicer things in life. So really I often ask myself 'why?'. I've been in a funk lately. I've hardly spoken to anyone unless its been fb or twitter. I get like that I always get like that. But then again I guess everyone needs a little alone time too yeah? A lot of things have been happening, and really its hard to know where to begin really. But to sum it all up, I feel as tho my biggest weakness is always seeing the GOOD in people. Ive been made out to be a self absorbed self righteous bitch, when that is FAR from who am, or WHAT im. Dont get it twisted with people effin up and doing ME wrong and me naturally reacting. I dont indulge in the drama bc i LOVE it.I hate drama, but I refuse to let ANYONE or ANYTHING act as tho they are greater then me, I will not be disrespected. I dont care WHO you are. Im a STRONG woman. I can stand on my own against anything and over COME it, ive proven time and time again that my strength is so much more then what people view me as, bc im such a kind hearted person. With that being said, My guards are up from now own, because i just went thru some minor drama with someone I have been close to for a short 2 months. No she didnt do anything drastic or anything to hurt me, Im simply removing myself from a poisonous situation, for the safety of myself, my sobriety and my health not to mention my sanity. So again, its time to say goodbye to this jamie, the one you've grown to love or even hate. The things that are behind these pages, years and years of heart ache and unbearable pain that I wish to no longer remember, so im doing whatever it takes to finally get over it and move on, to the new life I have been living. No its not perfect, but it is much better then the jamie in the decade of posts in here...so if you'd like to continue to read my story or follow my life and stay friends and support me thru this change, ive made a new lj name FadeToBlonde. Go add her, and as soon as shes up and everythings a go, im sure you'll be hearing a lot more from me.

ciao xoxo

Jun. 11th, 2011

forgive sounds good....forget... I'm not sure I could

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Jun. 6th, 2011

they'll hate you if you're pretty. they'll hate you if you're not. they'll hate you for what you lack and they'll hate you for what you got.

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