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Where are the old school vampires?

A friend of mine saw me carrying around the latest Hunter D book a while ago, so she gave me Twilight to borrow. It was not bad, if you overlook the heroine being a cannon Sue named Bella Swan, there are vampires going to high school, and vampires don't come out in the sun light not because they can't, but because they glitter in sunlight and don't want to draw attention to themselves.

That said, I will borrow the sequels because it is an entertaining bit of fluff. And I am forgiving of Mary Sues. I don't think I've ever heard of a vampire romance without a Sue. But I'm not really up on the subject.

So I'm going to try my hand at it. I'm going to try my hand at old school vampires who burn up in the morning sun and are rather ritualistically killed with the stake in the heart, cutting off the head and stuffing the mouth with garlic (or boiling the head in vinegar, or driving an iron nail threw the temple). They also don't fall in love. They are evil beings that should be feared and the best thing you could do for a vampire is kill it. I've had this story knocking around in my head since high school, but could never get the end plotted out. I got to thinking about it while reading this Twilight book and realized I was trying to give my project a happy ending, and happy endings are stupid (at least when written by me). I threw that out and it came mostly together.

So I was doing a little bit of research and read two of the dumbest old folk legends that I'm going to have to include rather tongue-in-cheek. One is that if a vampire's chasing you, you should throw poppy seeds in the air. He'll then have to stop to either count or pick them up and forget about you. He might even stay up doing it until morning and get burned up. Stupid vampire!

Another is that a way to kill a vampire is to take his left sock, fill it with rocks, and throw it into the river.

I'm so picturing an inept hunter going through my vampire's sock drawer, trying to figure out which sock is the left one. And my vampire obsessively counts things now.

ONE poppy seed! Ha ha ha.

Comments

( 13 solutions — Have you solved it? )
kc_anathema
May. 9th, 2008 06:33 am (UTC)
I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees Bella as a Sue. I'm a little over halfway and the Sueness is annoying. And when I found out Edward sparkled...omg.
_conundrum_
May. 9th, 2008 06:55 am (UTC)
The sparkling was a total let down. I was kind of hoping for something, you know, neat.
damalursol
May. 13th, 2008 08:54 pm (UTC)
heehee
an OCD vampire--awesomeness! maybe the sock thing is distracting because it gets the sock all dirty (millions of filthy germs on my clothes--ohnoes!) and also separates his/her carefully-ordered pairs.

this could be great...:]
_conundrum_
May. 14th, 2008 12:41 pm (UTC)
Re: heehee
Maybe throwing the sock in the river kills the vampire because he launches himself in after it to save it.
damalursol
May. 14th, 2008 05:03 pm (UTC)
or that
which an OCD vampire might do. i didn't know they couldn't stand water, though--just holy water. maybe the Wicked Witch of the West was actually a vampire?
_conundrum_
May. 14th, 2008 06:32 pm (UTC)
No swimming vampires
Vampires don't like standing or running water. There's a legend that vampires can't even cross running water, but Dracula could sail about at great personal risk to get to England. But would oceans and seas count as running water? Hmmm.
damalursol
May. 14th, 2008 07:59 pm (UTC)
Re: No swimming vampires
grey area, indeed. i think that's probably one of those facets of the legends that you can tweak to fit your character, since there's some ambiguity about it anyway.
_conundrum_
May. 14th, 2008 09:06 pm (UTC)
Re: No swimming vampires
Some people have interpreted it that all water is bad. Kain steams and loses health when he has to walk around in the rain. I rather take it that the vampire has to be submerged to die. They can wade just fine. But mine avoid all forms of standing water as they're very scared of losing their eternal unlife.

By the way, have you had a chance to hook up that Playstation yet?
damalursol
May. 15th, 2008 11:57 pm (UTC)
Re: No swimming vampires
Oh, gosh, sorry, i haven't...i've been so hooked on all this anime/manga that i've kind of left everything else for a little while.

plus, it seems like i never have time--i'm just so tired when i get home from work (of course, ripping open a few otherworldly creatures might help with that...;)

i promise i'll get to it..eventually:}
_conundrum_
May. 16th, 2008 01:35 am (UTC)
Re: No swimming vampires
I understand that. I haven't touched any of my games in forever. I was so happy to get Silent Hill Origins, but have only played it long enough to figure out there's no easy setting.
_conundrum_
May. 14th, 2008 03:06 pm (UTC)
socks and poppy seeds
Donovan clutched the sock drawer and cursed at himself again for not paying better attention to where he was going. This castle was like a maze! He looked out the window. The sun was getting high in the sky; it had to be after noon. They would be up by now. He resisted the urge to throw down the sock drawer and run. That would only draw attention to himself. He needed stealth now. Be stealthy.

"Hey!" a female voice called behind him. He turned and saw a pale woman with black, disheveled hair. She was wearing a white nightgown that was almost transparent and would have been quite alluring if not for the broadsword she was pointing at him.

"What are you doing with The Master's socks?" she said.

"Shush! I'm here to slay the vampire."

She regarded him for a moment as if he just said he was the Easter Bunny. Then she took a deep breath and shouted. "Master! There's someone here who says he wants to slay you!"

"Do you know where my sock drawer is?" came the reply.

"He has it!"

A young man soon entered the room. He was pale, like the woman. He wore dirty, grubby clothing like a laborer. His feet were bare and he carried a pair of working boots. Not at all what Donovan would have expected such a powerful vampire to look like.

"Arnauld?" Donovan asked against his better judgment.

The man growled. "That's 'Most High Lord Arnauld. For the love of all that's holy don't kill me where I stand!' to you."

Donovan threw down the sock drawer and fell to his knees to properly grovel. "Please have mercy Most High Lord Arnauld!"

"Now you got my socks everywhere," the vampire complained and carefully set down his boots. "They're just -- everywhere. No order to them at all. What were you going to do with my socks?"

Donovan couldn't think of a lie that would explain it. "I was going to throw them in the river."

"In the river! And was the actual drawer to suffer the same fate?"

Donovan hadn't thought of that. "Probably?"

Arnauld threw up his hands. "Dastardly! And people think I'm the monster!"

"Can I keep him?" the girl asked.

Arnauld thought on this for a moment. "Why not. He's a token of my gratitude for saving my socks. Unless he tells us who hired him for this farce."

Donovan slowly stood. He could feel his best hope for escape in his back pocket. After standing he whipped out the little pouch as fast as he could and threw the black contents in the air.

The vampires looked at him as if he were crazy. He tossed up another handful, but they kept standing there and the girl kept the sword pointed at him. He turned the pouch upside down and dumped the rest of the contents out.

"What-- What did you just get all over my socks?" Arnauld said as he surveyed the scene at his bare feet.

"Um. Poppy seeds?"

"Why?" The question came out as a plea. "Why did you just cover my poor socks with poppy seeds?"

"So you'd... count them?"

"Of course I counted them! There's 13,408 stupid little poppy seeds. But I don't see why-"

"There's 14,003," the girl interrupted. "Some went through the door."

Arnauld craned his neck. "So you're right. 14,003.

"But how can you...?" Donovan couldn't wrap his head around it.

Arnauld laughed. "I guess you can say I'm a quick count." He laughed again and the girl rolled her eyes.

"You should really beg for me to run you through now," she said, "before he tells another."

damalursol
May. 14th, 2008 04:34 pm (UTC)
i knew it! awesomeness!
BWAHAHAHA!!!
naylanac
May. 15th, 2008 03:11 am (UTC)
Re: socks and poppy seeds
LOL!!!! THAT was AWESOME!!! I wish I could count poppy seeds that fast.
( 13 solutions — Have you solved it? )

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