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3/26/09 06:50 pm - sleeps not coming easy.

I had a dream about my Dad last night.
Well, not really about him, at least I don't think so.
Its hard to remember once the day has gone on.
I remember in my dream it was after he passed away and I was SO angry.
I was kneeling down on these rocks and I dug my hands into them and just screamed.
Amber came running towards me and than I just started to get sick and throw up.
I was crying so hard.
Than I was sitting at home watching a home video with an old friend.
I got mad cause she got up and went to the other room to look at pictures instead of sitting with me.
I was walking on a sidewalk feeling like I was floating and I was trying to catch up to my friend.
Than I was running away. I was trying to hide from everybody.
I remember people were laughing and I hated the sound of it.

Than I woke up and stared at the ceiling. Looked at the walls. Sat up to see the clock. Checked my phone and looked outside.

Thats not the first dream I've had since my Dad passed away. I seem to have one every night now and its SO hard for me to dream all night about him and than wake up to the reality that hes not here anymore.

It'll be 2 months on April 2nd and I still feel sick as hell when I wrap my head around it.

2/19/09 10:10 pm - true love.


1/23/09 05:03 am - my dad.

I figure that no one really reads this anymore, so I guess this is just for me.

Please get better.
Feel stronger like you used too.
stop smoking.
although by now its too late so if it makes you feel somewhat happy than go ahead.
No more being sick or hospital visits.
No more pills and taking naps all day.
I want you to get better and be like how you used to be. :]

Your only 56, yet you look like an old withered man.
I just want it all to stop for you.
All of the sores and aches. The deteriorating. The wheezing and coughing. Shortness of breath.
The shakes. Your eyes.
Everything that you have, I want it to go away. You've been through enough and deserve to just be done with it all already.
Countless prayers and numerous blessings.

I TRY so hard to not be mad at God but I can't help but point a finger in anger.
Don't do this. Taking him little by little and making him and his daughters suffer.
Make him better. He deserves it and we don't deserve to lose another parent.
I don't know if I can handle that again.

Just get better and feel better and I want everything better for my Dad. <3

11/11/08 11:00 pm - *cough*

i feel like garbage.


and i have work at 9am.

10/24/08 01:19 am - I am happy when...

i have more time to sleep before work.
a nice cup of coffee!
clean laundry.
a pocket full of quarters and change.
i hug people.
i have money to get sushi.
i have a full tank of gas.
theres something good on tv.
i get inspired to draw something.
i go on a bike ride.
i get frozen yogurt with chocolate chips and coconut (and sometimes pineapple)
someone calls me.
there is good music on the radio.
i find something good at the thrift store.
i have a day or two off of work.
i see my kitty.
i have something to do.
i put on mascara.
i smell coffee.
i sit in borders and look at the art books.
i have film.
i put new songs on my ipod.
all of my bills are taken care of for the month.
i get something good in the mail.
i go downtown.
i go back to antioch.
i have a good everything day.
i go to petsmart and look at the cats.
i make something.
payday arrives.
my favorite shirt is clean.
i find something funny on you tube.
i get comments.
i see my family.
i scratch my dads back and talk to him.
i hang out with my nephew and be silly.
i talk to my sisters.
things are cheap.
i find a good deal on something.
things are clean.
i look at jeremy.
i have a good sandwich.
i have a couple drinks in me :p
i hear a good song.
i lay down on my couch.
i take pictures.
i joke around.
the seasons change.
i smell and eat a pineapple.

10/4/08 12:51 pm - Crocker Art Museum

Went out to Sacramento this morning to see some film and art about Andy Warhol.
Its such a beautiful museum and old and creaky and big. It looks like a big old house right in the middle of apartment complexes.
I got a little lost on my way there. What else is new. I missed my turn and ended up on the wrong side of town so I had to stop and get directions at a Starbucks which was in a really weird place. The space looked like it used to be an old gas station or a little convenient store. But there was only ONE parking space and ONE handicap space. Those were the only 2.
Thank God the space was open cause I didn't want to have to circle the block and end up going down one of the ONE WAY only streets (which I accidentally did but a good samaritan behind me honked and I saw what I was doing.)
ANYways so I finally get there and parked and pay 6 dollars for 4 hours.
Lucky for me I bank with B of A and was able to get into the museum for free!
The entrance is so nice. It reminded me of the Winchester Mansion. TONS of huge framed art on the walls and statues and a giant ballroom and windy staircases and high ceilings. It was really nice.
So I followed the sings so where they were showing a film about Andy getting into the film industry. Now I was like 15 minutes late and I'm thinking the room is going to be huge and packed with people and tons of artsy kids and such...NO.
I walk in to this tiny room with blue walls and MAYbe like 40 chairs set out. A small screen in the front with crappy muffled sound. EVERYbody there was at least double, some triple my age. Not one person was my age. Just a bunch of little old grannies and their hubbys.
Meh. Not a big deal.
So the film was interesting and fun to watch. I felt like I easily could have You Tubed the video and it could have saved me a trip.
So that was done and we were let out for a short break so I went to explore.
What a site everything was! Big tall windows letting in sunshine. Hardwood floors that creaked. HUGE oil paintings in this even bigger gawdy golden frames. Old furniture and chandeliers. Grand pianos and a ballroom. Brightly colored walls with art taking up each and every piece of it.
It was neat to go from one room with Queens and Princes and Greek Gods and peasants and Muses and mythology TO pop art galore! Everything was so bright and POW and POP in your face. It was great.
The gift shop was amazing filled with every book on pop art and history you could imagine. T-shirts, Postcards, art (of course) and so much more.
I was getting pretty sleepy only running off of about 2 and half hours of sleep so I decided to head back downstairs and see what was going on.
Now on the screen they were showing one of his films called "Haircut".
And thats exactly what it is.
A silent, B & W film of a man getting a hair cut, the barber, and another shirtless hairy guy in the background smoking a pipe.
I probably watched about 20 minutes of it.
I get that its art, and maybe on any other day when I'm fully rested I could enjoy it, but I couldn't.
I was SO tired.
The room is dead quiet and dark and I easily could have napped right there up against the wall.
SO on a side note. I'm going to throw in my 2 cents about something.
To my left was a mother and her little girl who was maybe a year if that all walking around and making noises and saying HI like a million times (now remember this room is dead quiet) and this kid is like right there. I get that its a small kid, but I HIGHLY doubt all 20 something people want to hear your kid yapping and such.
ALSO. I personally don't think its appropriate for a mother to just whip out her big saggy boobs to breast feed her kid in a room full of people. It was dark but not that dark. I could clearly see you and your boob(s). She kept switching back and forth and I'm thinking really? Go in the restroom. Its right there!
Eh. Anyways.
So I left, not because of boobs but just because I was so tired and didn't really feel in the mood to watch someone get a haircut for an hour.
I pretty much wasted my parking pass cause I was only gone for a little over 2 hours. I was confused. I put in 6 bucks which I thought would only give me until about 2pm but on the ticket it said 8:08pm like thats when it expires. Thats a long ass time. The thing went until 4pm but I left at noon. I don't know. The machine was weird like I HAD to pay the 6 dollars or something.
Well anyways I need to take a nap.

-_- zzzZZZzzzZzZzzZzzzzZzZzzz


9/26/08 03:38 am - everybody wins.

Last weekend was allot of fun.
I went to a Music and Arts Festival in SF on Treasure Island with boy, sister, and her boy.
Lets see.
How about some bullet points shall we?

Early morning drive to Antioch.
Meet up at sisters house and head out.
Get to city and can't find parking lot.
Found the parking lot.
Loaded up our purses and waited for the charter bus to come pick us up.
Girl with headband who amb won't ever understand the meaning of. (the headband)
Get in and head straight to the ID check line for wristbands.
Grabbed some chicken skewers and mixed veggie plate. 9 bucks!
Pulled up some concrete and listened to some of the first bands.
Did allot of walking around and poking through some of the tents they had up.
FREE photo booth:] Long line.
Couldn't find amb and chris and thought all was lost.
grabbed a 7 dollar beer! I know.
Did some more walking.
Found a nice shady spot to sit.
Dumb kids behind us talking about their only 1 joint and to save it for Tegan and Sarah. LAME.
They looked like High school kids.
Taking about how we felt like we were in an ad for Forever 21 or Urban Outfitters with all the stylish inide kids with their scarfs and boots and headbands!
Middle school kids checking in with "dad" to let him know which stage they were going to be at.
Smelling hippy kids selling brownies.
Portable Bathrooms with no TP!
Hot and sweaty when we got there.
Cold and windy as the day went on.
The smell of pot in the air.
People not wearing shoes. ew.
Weird guy dancing with his scarf around his face.
Seeing someone who I used to be friends with.
Peektures on the grass.
Ugly sea creatures and bugs.
Hoping they didn't come over to where we were sitting.
Garlic fries.
More beer.
Not wearing enough sunblock.
Ugly sunburn on my back.
Dirty feet.
people dressed in really ugly weird shit.
This bitch and that bitch.
like who are you trying to impress?
Punks and goths.
Sleeping bags and people taking naps.
Piss on the floor in the bathroom.
Drunk as hell guy in front of us asking for a ciggy.
He pulled out a paper bag. we saw you!
He was trying to be sneaky.
Guy spilled beer on my shoulder and arm.
It was HIS fault but of course he seemed mad at me.
Not having a sweater.
Regretting not bringing the blankets we had brought.
Really nice buses with tv's but weird chairs.
Free screen printings. The line was SO long so didn't even bother.
Bought a button.
Had a heavy bag.
Felt like warped tour.
Guy coming over asking if we knew where to get some pot.
I saw 1 cop throughout the whole day.
Pretty sunset.
Expensive ferris wheel ride.
Trying to keep warm.
Hella people taking pictures of the sunset.
Pirate costumes.
Pirate ship flags.
Flashy lights and cold nights.
Left earlier than we had planned.
Too cold!

Made it back to Antioch by 8:30 and was SO tired.

NEXT day.
Saw Alysia and Casey and stayed for dinner.
Watched Lifetime.
ugly and cute pictures.
Jokes and laughs.
it feeling different.
her mom not knowing which one I was?!
cute kittens.
Feeling somewhat left out from inside jokes they only knew.
Looking silly in the mirror.
Talking while trying to keep a straight face.
Wishing I could have stayed forever and moved back home. <3

Drove back around 10pm and was happy to be back but also feeling empty.

This feeling of being trapped like I used to feel allot when i was younger.

I'm trying to make the most of out my days/life.

I don't want to live just to live.

i want to do something and stop stressing over things.

I want to be truly happy and positive from now on.

No bullshit and woe me.

I feel its time for a change.

Wish me luck! :]

9/15/08 09:20 pm - something is differen't here, I know.

SO I went home over the weekend.
It never seems long enough to do what I want to do and see who I want to see.
Went to Jeremy's cousin's wedding in Discovery Bay.
That was kind of fun.
Open bar for an hour and some good steak. :]
Hung out with seester and acted silly like always.
Tried out some beer flavors I've never had before.
Went shopping with amb.
Coffee and tea and jokes and laughs.
Wore a skirt!
Wore a pair of shoes I bought hella days ago and just wore for the first time.
Took some peektures.
Smothered Leo!
Couldn't sleep.
Breakfast with seester and chris.
drove back than went to work.

ok I go watch family guy now. :]

9/6/08 12:05 am - drinking water.

I'm bored.
I'm full of pineapple and burgers.
I'm sleepy but don't want to sleep yet.
I've had the last 2 very un-eventful days ever.
I work tomorrow.
I have no money until Thursday.
My car needs a wash.
I'm drinking coffee as of lately, and its so good. :]
I'm learning to stretch what money I do have and make it go for some time.
I want to start saving up for tattoo's and a bike.
I need to save up for dumb bills and rent.
I'm getting sick of my hair and want a change.
I want to go to Santa Cruz.
I'm trying to lose weight. (trying)
I hate the way my apartment smells.
I've been burning incense the past couple days.
I've been drinking cheap beer and eating PB&J sandwiches.
I need to go to Oil can henry's.
My car just hit the 200,000 mark.
I feel like I live in a retirement community its so quite here.
The hallways smells like soup.
I'm tired. Like always.
I slept allot today.
I need to exercise more.
I want to practice more on my long board.

This list could go on. I guess I'll stop there.


9/2/08 10:45 pm - i smell cookies.

SO I've since moved since my last posting and so far I like it.
I do feel like I'm living in a Motel because it is pretty tiny and still very new for me.
But I like it and its perfect for just the two of us.
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