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Wow [06 Jan 2011|11:09pm]
I am learning so much, and there are so many problems with the way I previously thought about Many things. How interesting and exciting. When I'm less sick, I'll expand more.

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Aghhhhh [25 Sep 2010|04:30pm]
SO not inspired right now :(((, so HAVE to be inspired RIGHT NOW. Gahhhh. Imma listen to some music, maybe that'll help. But I barely have time :/. Brrrr.
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Separate Yourself from the Product [15 Sep 2010|11:33pm]
And plan accordingly.
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Meh.... [23 Aug 2010|06:54am]
I kind of was going for a japanese pop type of vibe... but I dunno. these lyrics kind of make me want to barf, but I suppose that could be fitting. mind you... most love songs make me want to barf... anyways.

If You Could See

If you can believe that
Our love will not die
That we'll stay young forever
Forever you and I

Can face any battles or evil
And make.. it work, you'll see

We wouldn't talk of fights anymore
I'd never see you walking out the door
And we could just laugh at how silly
We once were, and sing

If you could see the sleepless nights I lay thinking of you
My hopes, my dreams, our walks in the parc - holding me in the dark
Cuz darlin you've got a shameless opportunity to be happy
With me
If you could see

Last night I thought I saw you
Driving with her
You both looked unhappy
Did not say a word

Could it be because she doesn't
Know your worth...oh like I do

Got out the car and walked over to me
And told me together you want us to be
And I was never happier in my whole life
But it was just my dream

If you could see the sleepless nights I lay thinking of you
My hopes, my dreams, our walks in the parc - holding me in the dark
Cuz darlin you've got a shameless opportunity to be happy
With me
If you could see

So just open your eyes
And you will find me standing there
Just open your heart
Let me be the one for you
Cuz no one knows you better than I do
If you could see

If you could see the sleepless nights I lay thinking of you
My hopes, my dreams, our walks in the parc - holding me in the dark

If you could see the sleepless nights I lay thinking of you
My hopes, my dreams, our walks in the parc - holding me in the dark
Cuz darlin you've got a shameless opportunity to be happy
With me

[other lyric ideas]
Cuz boy we don't need
The fame or the fortune
We got all that we need
And it's free and it's just you and me

I'll always be in love with your smile
I'll always want to hold you
Boy, you'll see whatever is worth it can take a while
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Cleaning out my closet [15 Aug 2010|01:34am]
... I just found out that my friend comitted suicide. I was just so in shock at first, and now I'm just upset. This was a sign for me. I have other relationships that are very important that I have to manage. I'm just so worried. And broke, and I'm obsessed with the music thing which is taking up a lot of my time, and I suppose life is just complicated. And I will miss Fred. I actually saw him for coffee with a friend a month ago, and I just never saw any indication of this, at all. And I spoke to his ex, and she must be going through so much. I don't know. I just... he had so much to live for, I just can't get it. I just... a lot of things are just really upsetting me right now. But it's fine, and I'll deal. Just really upset right now.

RIP Fred.
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Violence, Sex, Drugs, and Alcohol [08 Aug 2010|02:52am]
So, I've been talking to a lot of people lately, and doing some thinking. I'm currently working with a producer who I have a lot of respect for. He's a fantastic songwriter, and has been in the business for a little over 30 years.

I was in the studio working with him this past wednesday, and we were watching the Telephone music video clip by Lady Gaga. The clip starts off whith Gaga in a prison, and goes through scenes of some of the other female jailmates are restling each other, and Gaga is dancing semi nude with other dancers. There was something very interesting and upsetting about watching him [producer, we'll call him 'Jay'] watch this video. He commented at the beginning when the female jailmates were hitting each other about how terrible it was, and how young 12 year old girls are watching this.

I, to be honest, have only regarded the video as a piece of entertainment, not to be taken seriously... but he's right. A 12 year old girl draws inspiration from what she sees from entertainment on a daily basis. If anything the fact that Lady Gaga is not an actress and is posing as herself, makes it even worse. Because if Lady Gaga does it, why shouldn't I?

The entire clip is fueled with violence, drugs, and sex. It seems as though most contemporary pop music today is.

I started off 7 months ago, thinking to myself that people truly want change, that they want something inspiring and substancial, that due to the over saturation of mindless and heartless music, they are yearning for this. Am I wrong? What do most people really want? Don't the numbers show it? Look at how successful the Lady Gaga's and Katy Perry's of the world are.

And yet, having grown up in the 90's when alternative rock was huge, and original music was still inspired, I can't help but ask - what changed? To not face the reality that the world is changing would be ridiculous... I just wonder sometimes. It seems as though people are all about instant gratification. Pop has become just a form of escapism, and about throwing in really good hooks with overly simplified lyrics. Everything just keeps getting watered down and simplified. It's like we removed all the meat, the main course is gone, and we just serve the candy, the dessert, which is not healthy in either respect.

So what now? I see people like Jay, who have maintained integrity throughout their career... but it's just. I don't know. I'm a fool. I want to change the world. And I'm an even greater fool because I think I can. I think that just like there is a dark side in each person, there is a good side. I am certain there is a clever way to appeal to that good side and inspire it. Even if it involves manipulating people into thinking in a positive way.

The question now is: do you give the world what they so clearly currently want as a way to establish a career and then affect change, or do you develop your message and build that from the start... and take a leap of faith that people will want to buy into it. Would people actually care to back up something meaningful? And perhaps it's not as black and white either... though I suppose I'm dissapointed by the world, again. Which in [only] one way is good, because I'm getting to know the world better. It is ugly indeed... and so are people... though amidst ugliness there is beauty buried. We have to find a way to dig out the beauty.
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Wow... [07 Jul 2010|10:40pm]
I tend to not do this anymore, but I was just skimming through some past entries, dating to around last year may/june... incredible. So much in my life has changed since then. I know so much more now [yet still have so much to learn], I just can't even begin to fathom. I feel as though I was a different person, in many ways. Perhaps I'll take the time at some point to further elaborate, but for now, I'll allow the slight shock to settle, and do something more productive - like shower :).

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Toronto Stuff [07 Jul 2010|09:57pm]
So, Toronto went REALLY well this time around! Hmm... amidst the fact that I missed my family, I was unhappy to come back to Montreal, honestly. I just feel as though I'm back home now, and safe and in a bubble. And whenever I go to TO it's SOLELY to work on music which is all I really want to be doing. No joke, though. All I want to do is go for coffee with friends on occasion [mainly my dad], and work on music. Write music. Network with music people. Prepare album/photo art. Think of music video concepts. And when I come back to Montreal, there are all these other factors and things going on, and I feel compelled to hang out with friends, who don't get me wrong I love very very much. But I just want to be in a music bubble, as unhealthy as that sounds.

I also feel as though the working vibe is different in TO. So people don't seem to care about art as much there, but people get.shit.done. It's a big city, and people are running around, and not holding back. I've met several hardworking producers in Montreal, but in general the vibe is WAY more relaxed... which I just don't like.

Anyhew, I can't move right now in any case, I'm writing with a few people in Montreal who may really be worth my while. So commuting back and forth to work with other worthwhile people in TO [lol, every single week [I secretly love it though]] is fine.

Anyhew, I'm really excited cause I've got a lot of work to do for next week, and then a lot of writing to do next week, so yay :).

Goodnight all,

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Face the Night [07 Jul 2010|09:31pm]
This is a song I've been working on with this awesome producer [check out 'Voyce']. I really like the vocal melody chorus, but I'm unsure as to whether I should write lyrics for the rest at this stage because I still wanted to sit down and work with him on the melody for the verse/pre-chorus.

Melody = Down

No matter how hard you try
To run you just can't deny
It's not a hopeless fight
You must face the night
Keep searching for the how
You'll try to live without
These dreams you can't defy
It's time to face the night
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Freakin Pissed [02 Jul 2010|10:27pm]
Wow. I am so freakin pissed off right now. It's not even funny.

I just received the vocal tracks from the previous show I did, and I tell you, I did NOT hear myself sounding so strained from on stage. Which means that the sound guys messed it up, BIGTIME. Also, the soundcheck vs the live performance levels are completely different. Thanks again, sound guy.

Anyways, I'm just really frustrated at the fact that some people are incompetent and can't complete a simple job. Why on heaven's name would you decide on volumes during a soundcheck and completely change and up the volume of the track? Wtf? How unprofessional and amateur-ish can you be?

In any case, I'm just really frustrated because I sang those songs really well without all the bloody mic help, and then it didn't come out as good with a mic, which makes no sense.

Anyways, obviously I can't change things after the fact, but it's really frustrating when it sounds so fucking good during rehearsals, and then an incompetent sound guy goes and messes things up, because he decides to raise all the levels through the roof, for what wasn't a huge venue to begin with [makes no sense!]

First time this kind of thing happened. And one thing's for sure: it ain't happening again.
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Flood gates part 5 [23 Jun 2010|03:12am]
Once again major editing needed. But melody idea is down.

*process of being edited*
All I Ever Wanted

[They'll tell you it's wrong
They'll tell you that that's not the way
You were taught so be the way you were taught]

[write verse 1]

[write prechorus 1]

You're all I ever wanted
And all I want to see
You're all I want to care for
And all I want's just you and me
If everything's wrong about you
Why wouldn't I change a thing
Cause you're all I ever dreamed of
And all I want's just you and me
Just you and me

[write verse 2]

[write prechorus 2]
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Flood gates part 2 [23 Jun 2010|02:52am]
June 26 comment
oh my god, these lyrics are terrible lol. needs major reworking... hmm, we'll see what happens with this one.

Continuing from the previous post. Here is another incomplete song I just quickly got down. These lyrics have to be almost completely reworked, but the melody is down!

Fire Away

Does freedom mean the chance to harm another
Should freedom bring the choice to hurt your brother
So stop oh oh and think oh and stop because
Next time oh you won't stop oh and you'll make the same mistakes
The same mistakes

Does freedom mean the chance to make your friends suffer
The ones who believed in you
Does freedom mean burning our world down to one ash
So you can take all your toys
Take all your guns

Fire away
What's holding you back from pulling your fun
Fire away
Fire away
What's holding you down forgetting to run
Fire away fire away

Put down your gun
Put down your gun my friend
Put down your gun oh oh oh
Put down your gun my friend
Put down your guns put down your guns
Put down your guns
Put down your guns

Fire away come on you know you want to
You wanna pull that bloody trigger
Fire away
Just fucking do it
Everyone else seems to be giving in
Go on
Fire away
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Produce me to the charts, svp [22 Jun 2010|12:02am]
Why is it so bloody hard to find KILLER producers? I'm so freakin close!!! I created a song out of the lyrics below [with some modifications, naturally], and it's really good! And it's catchy and it has so much potential! But I need someone who can blend some standard hip hop, and some edgy electro, so it doesn't have the EXACT same sound as every other dance song.

And as for another demo, I need to re-record it, cause the production was awful. Neither of them are on my myspace, fyi. And then, there's this other awesome rock song that I'm halfway through with a producer, but I want to put some electro in there. bahhh. but I find he's really good at rock producing.

And it's just aggravating, because I have REALLY FREAKIN GOOD song ideas, and it's so hard to find a REALLY FREAKIN GOOD PRODUCER/SONGWRITER to trust them with. Where are the edgy-psycotic-hip-hop producers at???

I never thought entering this how important a good producer is, but honestly it could potentially make or break a song.

Anyhow, I actually contacted a few really good producers tonight, so hopefully we'll work together on some of my stuff. Problem once again though is that I think they specialize mainly in hip hop [electro? who knows?]. I guess I'll just have to find out.

Damnit damnit damnit. It's aggravating because I know great rockers, great hip hopers, but how to blend the two? where can I find people who can work together, both be sickly talented in both rock, and hip hop/electro, and then fuse something together with my ideas into a piece of absolute awesome?

Where? Anyways, I'll keep looking.

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Just Another Dance Song [03 Jun 2010|01:34am]
It's just another dance song
Blue suede boots, the vibe's on
Dj's got your song on replay
He's got you in the sway

You just met her,
No cards on the mesa
So party with your hands up
Party with your hands up

She's passing through you like thin air
For this you're not prepared

It's just another dance song
But she's talkin to you
Thought you'd just be groovin
But she wants to know who
Not just blah blah blah
But the wha wha wha
Girl, it's just another dance song
So we won't ask --

Don't ask
Don't think
Don't even begin to wonder

[Rap Section]

Lips moving no sounds
Booze, sweat, we are drowned
In this haze we are found
Take your fist and pound pound

Hips moving none stop
Party with your hands up
Party with your hands up

Passing through you like thin air
For this you did not prepare

Cuz it's just another dance song
But he's talkin to you
Thought you'd just be groovin
But he wants to know who
Not just blah blah blah
But the wha wha wha
Boy, it's just another dance song
So we won't ask --

Don't ask
Don't think
Don't even begin to wonder
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Stop Me From Myself [25 Apr 2010|03:02am]
We're building an organization
It might run on it's own, forever
Demanding people to do as they're told
Day in, day out

Tell us to fear breaking the rules
Provided with pre-crafted tools
Explained how to use them
Not how to abuse them,
It's not the proper way...

What are you so afraid of?
Break out, break out
Afraid it's change I speak of?
Break out, break out

Is sex or cash the only payment you'll accept
Allow me to write you a check
For my integrity
I left my credit card at home, but I'll be back
With your payment, so that there's no mistaking
This for generosity

And the man behind the microphone
Said many things, lies and truth
But in our youth and naivity
We believed everything
Day in, day out

Then he said one magic word [change]
And we all agreed [change], and were filled with hope [change]
But yesterday's hope is but today's dream
Unless a choice adapts it to reality

What do you have to lose?
Break out, break out
This'll probably leave a bruise
Break out, break-out

Is sex or cash the only payment you'll accept
Allow me to write you a check
For my integrity
I left my credit card at home, but I'll be back
With your payment, so that there's no mistaking
This for generosity

Protect me from myself please
Please stop me
I might do something crazy like
Follow these crazy dreams

So stop me from myself please
I might do something crazy
Cuz risks, risks, risks, is what I'm all about

I had a few inspirations for these lyrics, actually. Lol, it was not just Seth Godin. Anyhew, different style than my usual stuff. Still very blunt, and kind of generic in certain areas... but, it's a work in progress.
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Seth Godin, Thank You [23 Apr 2010|10:58pm]
I just went to Seth Godin's blog page http://sethgodin.typepad.com/, and listened to his 45 minute seminar. At the beginning of the seminar, I thought to myself, 'there's no way I'm going to be able to sit through all of this and pay attention to what this guy is saying'.

But I listened to it, and I rewinded certain parts to relisten to them, and I noted down certain things he said that resonated with me. And... it's just so funny.

I have been living with the belief that has been growing inside of me, and it keeps growing every day, that taking risks is a good thing. That wanting to change [and changing] is a very good thing. That doing what you love NOW, regardless as to whether or not you're broke [which I am], will be more broke [which I will be.. wait, not possible], is worth everything .

People have come up to me lately, who I've spoken to about regarding my wanting to pursue a career in music, and have called me crazy. They've called me crazy because:

- I'm quitting a stable job [which I actually did, just yesterday], that guarantees financial stability, to do something that has little to no financial stability.
- I'm giving up time in my life where I might fail at what I'm doing and find myself in debt, and having to return to where I was before I started, and build another career from scratch, all over
- No certainty in winning, whatsoever, but certainty in a lot of hardships and pain
- When will I start a family, when will I pay off my debts, when will I settle down, when will I find a husband, when will I 'make it'

You know what my response to this has been, and is? Bring it on . Seth didn't say this, but I believe that if you're not suffering for your art in some way, than you're not trying hard enough. Whenever people name me the above list, I say: I want to be rejected. If I'm not, than I'm not trying hard enough.

But the thing that I know, that Seth Godin Really knows is that the alternative is far far worse. I am afraid, but what am I afraid of? And this is something he mentioned that once again, resonated. He said that what's scary is *not* trying to be the best [relative to whatever standard you have], and just letting life go by. And that is my main fear. Of course, I'm also afraid that it won't succeed the way I want it to, but if I don't try, I might as well start digging my grave now.

It's funny to see how differently people approach it or view it. It's like sitting on opposite sides of the table with someone. And I can't sit down and calculate and measure what brought me to this point. I can easily say it was engineering, or my current, soon to be terminated, job. Basically doing something I don't love. But could that alone have pushed me to the edge, spending time ignoring what's inside? Or is it just that I, personally, *need* to let out what's inside? And at a much more constant basis than just as a hobby.

Anyways, I just found that his words resonated very much. Here are some, not all of the quotes that I paticularly liked:

"There is no competence shortage, and if all you have is competence to offer, why on earth will we pay you extra?"

"Either you break rules, or you follow rules. Once you decide to break rules, then you can make intelligent choices about which rules to break."

"If what's at stake is not clear, people will ignore that and stick with the current fear."

Anyhew, there are a bunch, so I urge you to just to listen/read up on him. He's an eye/ear opener.

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[15 Apr 2010|07:18pm]
I think I need a vacation from life. Just... for one night, maybe.
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Laughing At and With Everyone [24 Mar 2010|12:15am]
I watch her walk her way to you
With all her confidence and swagger
She turns her head and smiles at you
In her eyes she's telling me 'it doesn't matter'

She's one of a kind
Not the kind of girl you'd usually meet
Her laugh is as loud as her
She who doesn't hold back
She who doesn't hold back

Are we all missing the point
Trying to justify ourselves
To ourselves
While she dances and sings
And doesn't excuse herself
And laughs at and with everyone
She laughs at and with everyone

And she's the bestest friend you could ever have
No shortage of love in her heart
Which she pours into all those near
With zero hesitation

She's the kind of a girl
Who doesn't have to look pretty in every picture
And just wants to live, and love,
She who doesn't hold back
She who doesn't hold back

Are we all missing the point
Trying to justify ourselves
To ourselves
While she dances and sings
And doesn't excuse herself
And laughs at and with everyone
She laughs at and with everyone

Just watch her, watch how she lies there in his arms
Watch her, watch how she holds everyone around
Watch her, watch how happy she is and pure
Watch her, and learn.
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Place A Barricade [15 Mar 2010|08:16pm]
A trend that starts off badly
And eventually gets worse
An end approaching rapidly
With only one recourse

And bad is the name
And terrible is the outcome
Certainty in only that fact
But nothing else

No comfort in this certainty
No warmth, only blackness
A new hole does open in my heart
At the thought of possibilities
I had never wanted to fathom

But here comes the time,
Now is the hour
And everything sweet does eventually turn sour
While decisions must be made
And decisions must be made

Yet regardless of a certain particular outcome to arrise
Dark dark dark
Lonely lonely lonely
And what are the options?
What other?
The choices we make are playing out
And we're seeing the blood from them squirt out
And pour over us beneath our feet
As it trails its way in front of us
Showing us the result of our decisions

And the blood flows faster as time goes on
If no pressure was ever applied to help close the wound
It becomes harder to catch up and place barricades
Though not stitches
Because for that it is far too late

Turning points and darkness and lonliness
Pain pain pain
I'm sorry
For something I could not change
I'm sorry
For seeing it evolve and being unable to stop it
All I can do is place a barricade

And the fruits of our effort now leave us with a taste
Of what we knew would arrise
Because sweetness could not be preserved.

The end and the beginning.
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Change and Uncertainty [21 Feb 2010|11:13pm]
I almost don’t want to write anything now. I suppose I’m in a bit of a strange emotional stage right now. It’s strange... it’s like I have two modes. Or perhaps three. When I’m in Montreal working at my job, I’m bored. When I’m in Montreal working on music... it feels good. But it feels safe, and comfortable. When I’m in Toronto working on music I feel... weird. I feel alone and strange and twisted and far from home and uncomfortable, but then I also feel as though more is getting done.

It’s strange... it seems as though every time I come back from TO I’m discouraged about something. When I’m in Montreal I feel more safe like everything will be ok and I can continue living in my black and white world that I’ve constructed... and then when I’m in TO I gain more of a sense of reality, I feel unprotected... even from myself at times. It’s weird, it’s as though I gain more insight in to how complicated life can be. Maybe it’s also because most of the people I hang out with in TO are a bit older and have lived more and they’re less idealistic. And I realize that this is something very hard for me to digest because I’m very idealistic... and I realize that a part of it acts as a protection. I keep saying ‘I know life is complicated’ ‘I know life is hard’... but I stay with the same bounds surrounding me and I walk keeping those bounds hovering about me.

But then when I go to TO... it’s harder to walk with those bounds. Which I guess in some cases is good, and in some cases is bad. It’s going to be a very hard balance for me to find.
And this brings me back to something I’d been thinking about the other day, and that is ‘change’. I keep preaching to myself mostly, and a bit to others, about how important it is to have an open mind, and be open to change, and to change and grow etc. And then I analyze the way in which I change... and it’s like, once again, I’m only expanding within the bounds I’ve created. So, I still am changing in the sense that I’m learning more, and I’m trying to implement what I learn... but the funnel isn’t changing. It’s still the same shell. Now how much changing is there in that, really? I think the following picture represents what I mean well. Lol, see what I mean?


I don’t know... I suppose a part of me is also scared. If the singing thing doesn’t work out, what else will I have? I suppose this is one of the things I can’t change about myself: I believe so strongly in pursuing your dreams, I believe that that should be one’s purpose in life and you should spend almost every waking hour going after it. And it’s so much more than just the singing. Anyways the breadth of what I want to do isn’t relevant right now for this discussion. What’s relevant is that my dream is not to get a 9-5pm stable job, have kids, get a husband and raise kids. That desire, if it will ever exist at all and if I’ll ever calm down, will wait a long time. Right now... this is all I’ve got and it’s the closest thing to a purpose I’ve found. I just can’t even think about it not succeeding.


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