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I'd fly you a flag, I'd bury this pen into my veins. [entries|friends|calendar]
Casey Gordon

[ website | I've been sleeping with ghosts. ]
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swollen lips whisper my name and I yearn to take you in my arms and start to burn. [25 Jul 2005|11:09am]
Never in a million years did I think I would ever come back to this place. Deep down I guess I've always thought of this place as my only real home, but everything it holds was just too much for me. I feel very strange saying this, confessing I've made mistakes. These mistakes caused me to run away from everything I actually ever cared about. I don't exactly know, nor can I explain my actions, but what I can say is that I'm ready to start over. I truly want my life back. I know that some of the things I've done are unforgivable, and I don't blame the people I've hurt for forgetting about me if they have. I would actually encourage the forgetting because I would prefer them to be happy. I've always remembered my Grandpa telling me one thing throughout my life. That would be that if you really love someone, you do what is best for them. Running away was my way of attempting to do this. It was my way of letting the people who I've hurt move on and lead happier lives. I am starting to sound more like Chris Carrabba everyday, and that's not exactly a guy I want to sound like.I guess the conclusion would be that I just miss everything, everyone.

I should apologize for you having to read that too, I suppose. If I had stumbled across another guy's journal just to see him ranting and apologizing, I'd probably want to fall off the face of the earth too. Being away has just made me think a lot about everything that had happened in the past. All I could do every second of every day was think about it. All I could think about was how much I missed Towerz. He was there for me when no one else was, and I abused his trust so badly. I messed our friendship up completely. And, Heather. How could I have just ran away? She is pregnant with my child, and I left her alone. I haven't even told my parents yet about it nor do I plan to anytime soon. Lastly, there's Paige. Words can't even begin to describe how much I've thought about this girl. It's always been Paige for me. From the moment we met, my mind hasn't stopped thinking about her. But, she is with Craig. They're probably happy, and I won't try to ruin that happiness for her. I need to see her happy. After all of this confusing hell I put her through, I need to see that she's happy. I even called her on the way home. I'm not even sure of what possessed me to call her. I guess I just needed to hear her voice. I feel like I had that one chance to tell her how I felt, but all I could do was talk about Heather and the baby. It's not like I'm going to give up on the situation. I want to stand by Heather because I need to make it up to her some way. Some way I will show her that I will be there for her. I realize that she probably hates me, and she has good reason to. I just want to be involved in the baby's life. I just wish there was a way I could make everything perfect.

So, I guess this ends things for now. How have you all been?
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itgoesthere_rp [02 Apr 2005|03:34pm]
Slipping through the door, hear my heart beats in the hallway.

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