|“A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert|
|“Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Louis Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Da Vinci, and Albert Einstein.”|
“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
"You don't always have to hold your head higher than your heart"
“I’m not going to lie, though I do it often. When someone matters, I’ll tell them the truth, just like the way I only smile when it’s needed. I don’t overuse things, because things easily lose their meaning that way. I think you’re an amazing person. You’re smart, clever, witty, incredible with words and with the colours that flutter from each stroke of your paintbrush. When I look in your eyes, I see the sky. You’re still a bird trapped in that cage of yours, and one day, I’ll be there to see you fly.” ~Sleeping with ghosts
“It takes strength to be firm,
It takes courage to be gentle.
It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.
It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubt.
It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.
It takes strength to feel a friend’s pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.
It takes strength to endure abuse,
It takes courage to stop it.
It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on another.
It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.
It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.”
“Do something compelling. There’s a trillion people writing blogs that need something to write about. There are magazines hungry for content. There are hundreds of thousands of people bored on the internet wanting something to look at or do. For the most part, people have exceedingly low standards on the internet. But, I think people are hungry for better. Make something better. People will notice.” ~Frank Chimero
“I didn’t want to fix it, to forget. It wasn’t something that was broken. It’s just… something that happened. And like that hole, I’m just finding ways, every day, of working around it. Respecting and remembering and getting on at the same time.” ~Sarah Dessen
“You can never tell what people are thinking and feeling unless they tell you, and usually they lie. you ask them, ‘Whats wrong?’ and they say ‘Nothing’. You accept this because it’s easier than digging for the truth. People smile when they want to cry, they laugh when they want to scream and shout. They pretend like nothing is wrong because they don’t want to face the truth. Things aren’t always rainbows and butterflies, sometimes you gotta scream and cry your anger and sadness to the world, because you can only hold it in for so long before something in you snaps. so when you want to cry, cry. When you want to scream, scream. Don’t hide behind fake smiles, it’s ok to not be alright.”
“A person has rights, to discover her own mistakes, to make her own way, to grow and blossom in her own particular soil.” ~Now, Voyager
“Right now, there are people all over the world who are just like you. They’re lonely. They’re missing somebody. They’re in love with someone they probably shouldn’t be in love with. They have secrets you wouldn’t believe. They wish and they dream and they hope, and they look out the window whenever they’re in the car or on a bus or a train and they watch the people on the streets and wonder what they’ve been through. They wonder if there are people out there like them. They’re like you, and you could tell them everything and they would understand.
And right now, they’re sitting here reading these words, and I’m writing this for you so you don’t feel alone anymore.”
"I cursed myself for being surprised that this didn't play like it did in my mind"
|I've become everything I hate. Everything I'm against. I don't recognize myself at all, it's like there's someone stuck inside and she can't get out. Need therapy.|
2 | Y
|16.5 hours away from the tattoos.|
I can't remember exactly when I first started planning them.
I am breathing.
edit: just got home from East Side Ink...its permanent. 3.1.10
3 | Y
|:: my amazing friend... |
|I just found out that you're gone, and I tried to contact your mom but all her online sites like myspace and LJ are locked and i can't get to her. I'm sorry i didnt know before. i'm sorry we didn't keep in touch. i know youre somewhere safe and happy, i can feel that in my heart. Jara, I would have loved to meet you, but I will not live in the past. If you've taught me anything its to move forward. You told me first that I was a strong hungarian woman, and I have held onto that. I also remember translating into Hungarian for you, and you redoing my page over and over and over again haha or that I'd bug you for user pics, i must have been one annoying 15 year old. But you saw good in me and I found courage in you. I hope you visit me from time to time. And i know that your fight for heart disease will go on. I love you and I'll miss you, but I'm gunna keep breathing and living, living hard. Thank you for everything. Thank you for existing and touching my heart. Rest in peace<3|
why dont you just take what you want?
is it so easy to walk away from me?
I'm gunna stand here.
and I'm not gunna move.
I'm not gunna move because I cant feel small. I can't feel helpless.
If I walk to you, im gunna feel helpless.
I dont have the courage to feel small.
you have to come here and invade my personal space.
I like you, I like you a lot, and i will resist
but you have to keep invading. and pushing. because what I really need is to be forced to feel.
Why don't you come in here?
Why cant anyone just want this bad enough, and not ask me but show me.
I cant move.
Im always frozen.
But all you have to do is do it, and you dont do it. They never do.
But heres the thing. Its getting lonely in my space.
But youre not coming.
Do you see why I leave?
I run because I have to. because if you dont crash into my life right now, i wont ever have the courage to talk to you again.
and i leave.
and it repeats until somebody...somebody.
Until somebody has the courage to invade my space.
|So i leave in 9 hours. The time has come and this is the final countdown. Theres no turning back. This journey I guess started pretty much exactly a year ago, when i started looking at colleges and then shortly after I started receiving applications and all sorts of information. My parents didnt know anything about colleges or the application process so I pretty much taught myself. Im proud of that. Im proud that i got myself this far. It makes this extra special, because I know i worked hard for it and looked forward to the outcome. So ithaca college, ill see you in a short 9 hours. I really have nothing else to say, besides goodbye high school years =) |
good luck to everyone. be safe and study hard!!!!
|Last night I started reading my old entries, all the way back from 2002. It seems so distant. Like did I really live those things? Everything from high school drama, to first love and all the experiences with it, to memories of friends and my old house, its all one big blur. And I realized how lucky I am to have this journal to look back on because otherwise im afraid precious memories would be lost. And then I started thinking...the last real entry I had in here was months ago...and this is supposed to be one of the most exciting times in my life, I want it recorded, I want to look back on this and remember the end of my high school, the last summer before college, hell, the beginning of college. I cant believe I'm already there. |
I leave for Ithaca College on Saturday. 5 hours away, totally independant this time, im hittin the road again. This past year has been a weird experience. Moving to NY was both good and bad for me...you can always learn from change. I grew up alot and I realized all the things that were actually important. My friends, who I consider my family, and who I love with all my heart. You guys are all I missed from that little town I called home. Because you made it home. The year is finally here when we ALL go off to college. The people around you are what make any place, home. It doesnt matter where you are, what house or shack your living in...the love around you is what matters. I live with my mom now and I know that wherever she goes, will always be home to me. The hungarian club HAS always been home to me. Its stayed constant throughout my life ever since I was a child, even when I moved 5 or 6 times. I love that place and Im glad I have it to turn to, and every summer, you can find me there. And as I leave in a few days, to make Ithaca my next home, I always remember all the places I ever had the priviledge of calling home. I've learned so much because of all my moving experiences that Im not afraid to leave again. Im excited. Hell, im looking forward to it. I remember back in December 2004 when I started saying AHH i wish I were at college. Well time flies and here we are. To all of you going off to college this fall, please enjoy yourselves...youre so young and have a million oppertunities at your feet. Good luck.
As I read my past entries I realized that there were things that I tried putting into words that would frustrate me because I couldnt. And I remember thinking, one day when Im older this will be easier. Well its not easier...Life is just as confusing as before but now, I welcome it. The one thing I learned about myself over the past year was this. Life is too damn short...so we have to do whatever the hell we want, whenever we the hell we want. Because as the years go on, we wont have the same oppertunities. I think back to all the past summers and I look at how they've changed over the years. This summer for instance. Was a lot more layed back, with just a few special memories I can highlight. This goes to show that things change, but still, they can stay the same. I remember stopping at the Bauers and watching the boys in the garage working, and running up to them and hugging them because I hadnt seen them in months. Then getting to Stephs house for the first time this summer and getting so comfortable with practically living there again. Then the first night out at the tanya...and then all the nights that followed...my favorite being my moms birthday celebration and how all the adults were wasted and we had that food fight, and then chased each other with the hoses, everyone soaked and stripping down to change into dry clothes. Then the skinny dipping. That of coruse was awesome, and it WILL happen again next year. Making naked friends WHILE naked. And all this not even drunk, cuz who the hell needs alcohol to have fun, at least this way I remember it better. Seeing Bobby and Zsolt, and Monie and Kinga, and everyone else I grew up with out there. Man how we grew up...where did the time go? and seeing how people changed, can be heartbreaking and exciting at the same time.
So summer 2005, where did you go?
And 2005-2006, will be such a journey...and I will make sure I write in here. I want to remember everything. And after 3 more years, when I look back, this will be right here and I'll recognize these memories and sitting at the computer writing this out. I hope it brings good thoughs.
So as my first real update, here we go. I already mentioned Im leaving on Saturday. But until then I still have a lot of shopping to do. Still have waay too much packing to do. My roommate is a girl named Jessica Zerillo from NJ and her and I are really getting along so far. Im excited to meet new people and strt my classes. This past weekend I had to say bye to my best friends for the last time, and ill only see them around thanksgiving and xmas. Mike, Dustin, Steph, take care of yourselves...stay safe and i'll see you soon. And to everyone else that I didnt get a chance to say bye to.
Well, im gunna try to update more, just for myself, for a record of everything. And thats it. I have to go pack some more.
3 | Y
|:: mood: hopeful|
|its amazing what comfort can be found in good music.|
Like a warm blanket to hold close when your cold.
...or something like that.
Sleep, please take over me damn it.
Im tired of thinking now.
|:: mood: drained|
|Maybe im supposed to learn from this.|
This distance is quite possibly tearing me apart, and these voices in my head are actually deafening. I cannot break apart.
Over 2 years and I find myself as lost as ever.
Its been so long and this physical pain doesnt come from bruises or broken bones but of heartache.
Its you and thats it. I surrender to it and I give up on trying to forget.
This is reality and the truth always wins.
I miss you.
I go to sleep again with no hope of my eyes closing.
I dont have the strength to walk away...
Theres nothing here but my feelings and thats all I have to offer.
|:: mood: crappy|
|so today was my high school graduation. I didnt go...I didnt have too much of a choice but i didnt want to anyway. They wanted us to pay for graduating. come on. |
Anyway so the parents and i went to a french bistro in the city where my dads friend works...great food, and hot waiters.
I was in Ptown from the 17th to the 23rd...had some good times, saw my friends, had sleepovers and sat around a campfire...it was amazing.
going back tomorrow for a grad party at the club...or BARN ha as its known for no good reason.
Then monday to wednesday is orientation. should be good and im hoping it is.
|15 days of school left. |
slowly counting down.
Can someone please give me info on Pgrove's grad? I'll try to go.
WHERES THE WARM WEATHER DAMN IT.
3 | Y
|Subject: Please sign emergency petition to save our courts|
I just signed MoveOn PAC's emergency petition to stop the "nuclear option" the far right wing's plan to seize absolute power to stack our courts -– and I hope you will sign too.
Starting Monday, the petition will be delivered straight to Congress every three hours until the final vote, and many of our comments will be read aloud on the Senate floor.
Please sign right now at:
Why is this an emergency?
This Tuesday, the Senate will vote on Republican Leader Bill Frist's "nuclear option" to break the rules of the Senate and give the Republican Party absolute control over appointing federal judges.
For 200 years the minority's right to filibuster has kept our courts fair, by making sure that federal judges needed to get at least some support from both sides of the aisle before they were given life time appointments.
If Frist eliminates the filibuster, his next step would be to force far right partisan judges onto the powerful U.S. Courts of Appeals. The real targets, however, are the four seats on the Supreme Court likely to become vacant in the next four years.
With that much power on the Supreme Court, the far right could strike down decades of progress on labor rights, environmental protections, reproductive rights, and privacy.
The "nuclear option" will live or die by a final vote, probably on Tuesday, and the vote is still way too close to call. There are at least 6 moderate Republicans still on the fence and only 3 more votes needed to win. If we can get enough of our voices into congress and into the streets in the next 72 hours, we can still save our courts.
Please take a minute to join me and sign the emergency petition today.
|I have so much to say, and I won't. I have alot to vent, and alot of feelings to express, but i cant. |
So 20 more days of school and you better believe i'm counting. Apparently crossing off days on a calandar BEFORE you get to them, does NOT help. -sigh-
I had a neat dream last night, alot of my friends were in it..and I thought about the symbolism and I dont like what it means. Summer cant come soon enough.
And finally...please. DO NOT TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED. This was brought on by something that I wont mention...but you dont have it as bad as youd like to think. Suck it up and love your life.
Beach anyone? come on, hotel room, warm nights, fun in the sun...blah blah, let me know.
1 | Y
|:: mood: aggravated|
|21 days of school left. |
And then thats it.
1 | Y
|:: Haha, ok...ill stop. |
Your Political Profile
Overall: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
Social Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
Personal Responsibility: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
This weekend I was in the lovey ptown....
Jess, Matt, Paul, Dustin, Nikki, Brad, Phil...nice to see you guys!!!! Hope to be back soon.
Ummm in other news? Still filling out 94057834807589576 papers for college...all which im doing on my own thank you. School is school, and im back to regular practices this week finally.
Oh and I saw my dad for the first time in a month. Oh but wait, hes gone again. Apparently spending 3/4 weeks of a month in FL does NOT qualify as actually moving there. Hmm but whatever.
|:: mood: amused|
The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
Your Seduction Style: The Charmer
You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.
You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.
By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.
And then you've got them exactly where you want them!
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