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maldenliz.

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[11 Dec 2008|07:48pm]
notes on falling in love, selling your car, hating your job, growing up, and placing your heart two thousand miles away:
ever feel like moving away without telling anyone? i do everyday.
it sucks.
x o x o x o

[25 Oct 2008|03:15am]
i think i have personality dysmorphia.
i have a bacholor's degree in psychology so i can make shit like that up.

seriously, check the fine print.
2 | x o x o x o

[18 Jul 2008|02:46pm]

who says you ever have to grow up?
x o x o x o

[05 Jun 2008|02:48pm]
[ mood | woah ]


r.i.p. past life.

i keep trying to remind myself that i'm not breaking up. that my home does not define me. that i can't take anymore. i'm not giving up. i'm just not living here anymore.
literally and metaphorically.

5 | x o x o x o

i've got the freezes. [16 Apr 2008|11:11am]
i am looking for a new job.
this is a true solid fact for several reasons. i have a college degree. i work at ritz camera. my mom is on my back (though after further discussion i should revise this.) my mom likes me best. my manager threw a box at me the other day, ran into the back room and cried. she proceeded to talk trash about me the second i went to lunch. my feeble heart can not take these crazies anymore.
so on to craigslist i go. everytime i come home from work. every morning i wake up before i go to work, and i'm finding jobs and i'm saying hmm i could apply to that.
yet everytime i think about doing a different job my heart fills with terror. i don't know if it's just because i haven't had a new job in so long and i'm afraid of being uncomfortable again or if i'm just scared i'll be the worst front desk person this medical office has ever seen or what. and i try to remind myself that it's only a job. you can quit if you don't like it. they don't shackle you down. but still i pull up these job descriptions, look at them. think about them. and then walk away from my computer and go to work.

i am stuck in the middle of a ice cream sundae.
x o x o x o

the cleaning life [20 Mar 2008|02:27pm]
life is funny.
as of .4 seconds ago i was cleaning my room and all the sudden i realized my brain got to thinking of these thousand other things i could be doing besides cleaning my room. and i think about working. and about how for eight to nine hours a stinkin day i just sit in a room and think about how i should be cleaning my room. and now i'm doing it. i'm living the dream and i just want to be doing anything else. ANYTHING.
and then i think to myself "man. self! please don't tell me this is some kind of metaphor for your life!"
but don't worry. it's not.
1 | x o x o x o

[19 Dec 2007|12:14am]
since i almost just died i'll guess i'll post a livejournal entry about it.
snow sucks, cold sucks, not feeling your limbs sucks. however, i do get an adrenaline rush like no other from getting my car to escape snowy situations with out wrapping itself around another car.
skippy moved out along with a great amount of stuff that we use in the house. we've begun to replace, i've begun to destruct.

woops.
i guess some one really does need to take responsibility in our apartment because it's getting kind of scary that it's a girl who still does this:
2 | x o x o x o

[29 Nov 2007|10:44pm]
i am so sick of massachusetts it makes me feel sixteen again.
x o x o x o

[05 Nov 2007|01:20pm]
journal entry title from 12.06.02
"I regret to inform you but: I can never hook up with a guy who says "doesn't that feel good?"

it feels good to know somethings never change.
6 | x o x o x o

[14 May 2007|10:04am]
Theres this little empty space on your list where I erased myself. It’s like this scab, or a stain you cant get out of your shirt, or a chunk of something stuck on a plate, it’s meaning is trivial at this point, but it’s annoyance overtakes the room.
Walking down the stupid street and I’m thinking all about how I don’t write anything down anymore. I think about spelling flaws and try to think of deep sentences or just regular sentences but it’s all air between ears. “WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE TWO OF US!” someone yells, and it wasn’t even me. it wasn’t even me they were yelling at, but like nails on a chalkboard, it certainly got everyone’s attention.
So brain, this I ask you, what is happening to the two of us? we used to be pals. Half of you would worry and the other half would pat that other half on the back and say it’s all going to be ok. It’s all going to be ok. But now here I am, some empty spot on your computer screen and I can’t stop thinking of the speed of love, the fucking gust of wind that blew through and out of my life twice, both times just as harsh. At the corner of that beach, the first place I kissed you, the last place I kissed you, and every night between them I dreamt it was there I was kissing you. Kissing, kissing, kissing you with a moon in the sky and some stars and some big old airplanes above our heads. In my dreams we fall through the sand into our bed with a ceiling over our heads and covers and hold to it, because we have some place to stay. This room would be void of the past. It would be void of sour future. Void of all the fucking bullshit words and gestures and strife. Just me on you on me under blankets under a ceiling under the sand under the sky.
And how did I get here? And why does everyone go home?
And all these thoughts come at me in a nanosecond before they’re gone, and that’s probably for the best. All that earth pressure is too much, all that mind and time, it’s too much. I live in this room and its got some walls and some floors and ceilings and stuff and that’s just enough for me. there are these two windows, and they’re totally best friends, one gust of wind from one side will reach out to the other side, and vice versa. It’s nice to be such a nice meeting spot for air.
So my hair blows and blows and blows and she never wants to talk to you again she says, she never wants to talk to you again. And I said that to you once and I meant it, and all this air and this wind between us, none of it is reaching us again.
1 | x o x o x o

ode to my favorite cat. [05 Apr 2007|01:06am]

BOBBY.
dear the cat
you are where it's at
triangle ears
and zero tears
you are such a cutie
despite the size of your booty

so you tell them bob the cat,
it's not in good taste
to tease the size of your waist.
besides, you're phat, not fat.
1 | x o x o x o

[20 Mar 2007|10:37am]
i am writing this with a very numb face because honestly what the hell can you do when half your face is totally numb? i always thought it was funny how the dentist drugs you for seriously six hours when most all dental procedures take less than 45 minutes. and how i know this is true but the whole time all i'm doing is praying to god that they go faster before the novacaine wears off. so yeah, the dentist sucks and it costs a lot of money.
the brakes on my bicycle are gone. literally. the cable totally snapped while i was adjusting them the other day. i supose that's better than having the brake cable snap while i was about to hit a small adopted child and his adorable puppy that was just rescued from a fire that burned down his previously abusive home, but still. i have no brakes.
i also have no breaks. i got two days off of work this week and it's like the miracle of christmas or something. of course during those two days off all i did was get aggravated and stress out like i do every other day.
did you ever notice how weird bleach is? i did. why does it bleach out the color of everything you care about but it doesn't bleach out the color of oh i don't know, the sponge you use? fucking weird.
i really wish i could feel that side of my face so i could go to work and probably not make any money.

LJ EXTRA!
a list of things that i am freaking the fuck out about:
1. why am i totally fucking awful at dating people? seriously, is it me? is it them? is it the boys i try to date? i don't get it.
2. school and why and when did i get so awful at it
3. my future and really if i can't study the stuff i want to then am i even doing the right thing?
4. my job and why can't i make a sale anymore?
5. money
6. dental work
7. i hope my hamster never hates me.
2 | x o x o x o

[14 Mar 2007|10:52pm]
Theres this little empty space on your list where I erased myself. It’s like this scab, or a stain you cant get out of your shirt, or a chunk of something stuck on a plate, it’s meaning is trivial at this point, but it’s annoyance overtakes the room.
Walking down the stupid street and I’m thinking all about how I don’t write anything down anymore. I think about spelling flaws and try to think of deep sentences or just regular sentences but it’s all air between ears. “WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE TWO OF US!” someone yells, and it wasn’t even me. it wasn’t even me they were yelling at, but like nails on a chalkboard, it certainly got everyone’s attention.
So brain, this I ask you, what is happening to the two of us? we used to be pals. Half of you would worry and the other half would pat that other half on the back and say it’s all going to be ok. It’s all going to be ok. But now here I am, some empty spot on your computer screen and I can’t stop thinking of the speed of love, the fucking gust of wind that blew through and out of my life twice, both times just as harsh. At the corner of that beach, the first place I kissed you, the last place I kissed you, and every night between them I dreamt it was there I was kissing you. Kissing, kissing, kissing you with a moon in the sky and some stars and some big old airplanes above our heads. In my dreams we fall through the sand into our bed with a ceiling over our heads and covers and hold to it, because we have some place to stay. This room would be void of the past. It would be void of sour future. Void of all the fucking bullshit words and gestures and strife. Just me on you on me under blankets under a ceiling under the sand under the sky.
And how did I get here? And why does everyone go home?
And all these thoughts come at me in a nanosecond before they’re gone, and that’s probably for the best. All that earth pressure is too much, all that mind and time, it’s too much. I live in this room and its got some walls and some floors and ceilings and stuff and that’s just enough for me. there are these two windows, and they’re totally best friends, one gust of wind from one side will reach out to the other side, and vice versa. It’s nice to be such a nice meeting spot for air.
So my hair blows and blows and blows and she never wants to talk to you again she says, she never wants to talk to you again. And I said that to you once and I meant it, and all this air and this wind between us, none of it is reaching us again.
x o x o x o

[13 Mar 2007|12:17am]
this weather is definite means for bounding.
2 | x o x o x o

[23 Feb 2007|12:35pm]
please meet my new friend

sir nibbles alot
and trust me.
he nibbles alot.


nothing else is really new.
my apartment continues to be the bomb. i went on a conventional date. my job is regular i make enough money to survive.
also! if anyone wants to go on a for real vacation let me know, i'm loaded.

i'm going to go watch my hamster now.
2 | x o x o x o

[03 Jan 2007|10:30pm]
reasons why 2007 is making 2006 look like a bowl of porridge.
1. we celebrated the end of 2006 in the streets. not at a party. not on the train. but in the streets on the way to a party right after we exited a train.
2. after celebrating in the streets, i had three straight days of exactly what i wish my life always was, and exactly how i dreamt it. we were the life of a party, all of our friends liked us, and we partied like we were actually cool.
3. i got a new parking permit.
4. i'm making a diarama out of an accordian.
5. sarah's making a disco ball.
6. my work sound track has only consisted of straight up punk rock. something about hearing "i ain't no god damn son of a bitch" five times in an 8 hour shift can only improve my customer service.
7. i passed my inspection by the power of the karran. seriously, i had a copy in my trunk and my mechanic was muslim.
8. i can drive legally and it feels so good.
9. i haven't had to tell a customer that they were hurting my feelings once so far.
10. champagne, champagne, champagne.

things i am going to be into in 2007 and i don't give a shit if you like them or not.
beirut. the band, not the ping pong beer guzzling CAHHLEGGE game.
stir fry.
arts and crafts.
abbreviating things. (ex. arts and crafts becomes "a's and c's")
ting p's.
owning the best clothes.
wolf parade and i don't give a fuck.
partying.
not giving a fuck.
2 | x o x o x o

headaches. [29 Dec 2006|10:28pm]
sometimes my head hurts so badly it makes me think i am going to puke. usually my head hurts after i eat food, like my jaw is out of line and the pain in my jaw signals pains to my brain which in turn send terrible death rays to my temples. sometimes just one light bulb or voice or quiet dull sound can drive my head ache into headache insanity. sometimes i take up to ten ibuprofin in one day. sometimes i blame these headaches on various things. sometimes on my nerves, or a minor aneurysm, or migranes, or tender emotions, or flourescent lighting. what i do know is that my health insurance is kicking in soon and the first doctor i am going to see is going to be a neurologist. for sure.
x o x o x o

from my robot leg to yours. [16 Dec 2006|11:52pm]
this cat is brick wall this cat is a brick wall and it is dividing us, it is tearing us apart. all i can feel is feelings and your stupid arm around me and your adorable cat creating some ridiculous bridge between the two. you don't sing songs and i don't write papers. i can't find interest in your computer programs, but ive never found anything more comfortable than the space between your sheets in months and months. i say months and months and it hurts my throat thinking about the view from your window, wishing i had never come over to begin with. one bare tree, one sun setting or rising, my skin against yours, it was all bullshit, it always ends up so.
i don't know what my brain was thinking, i don't know what i was tying to talk myself into thinking i had a chance with you. you are bounds and leaps ahead. thinking that it would work out was only trying to prove something ridiculous to myself. if this works anything could work. if this works it means i can make it. if this works i'm smarter than i thought.
it was bullshit. it always ends up so.
1 | x o x o x o

[09 Nov 2006|09:32am]
politics smolitics guys, lets go get fahkin drunk.
1 | x o x o x o

[16 Oct 2006|02:21pm]
the worst part about knowing that things have to change is never knowing what or how and the immediate stinging regret.
sometimes there's a few hours of peace, maybe even a day, but always that sting.

none of these photos accurately describe how i feel.Collapse )
3 | x o x o x o

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