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April 23rd, 2017

03:43 am
Spontaneous drunken memorial tonight for Megan, I'm sure just the first of many. I needed to get out of the house a bit and be around other people. It's Fiesta week, so HG is coming later this afternoon to visit for a few days, which is perfect timing, I could use the distraction.

I've lost count of how many people have called or messaged me in the past 48 hours. All of them wanted to talk about what Megan meant to them, how she touched their life. Megan was very special, I didn't know anyone else quite like her. She was sensitive and fragile and innocent. She believed in fairies and found magic in everyday objects. She was sweet and genuine and generous. No one was invisible to her, and no one was a stranger... she befriended everyone she met, instantly. There was no pretense or judgement or barrier.

She liked to explore places on her own... the countryside, abandoned buildings, ghost towns, the city in the middle of the night. The more lonely and desolate the place appeared to be, the better. She would come back with surreal photographs and a pocket full of souvenirs, usually rocks and leaves. She loved it when her friends would bring her similar little worthless trinkets... last year I brought her a hunk of petrified lava and some seashells from my travels. Mimi is in Florida visiting her mother and took a picture of the coral and glass she had picked up on the beach this week for Megan. :( I have a pile of silly colored rocks I bought in January that I never gave her... I was out of town during Megan's last visit to SA at the end of February.

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Of course all of the people who called me hadn't spoken to Megan in a couple of years, in the time that her illness had become so severe. She didn't have the opportunity to alienate them or push them away. And yet none of them were surprised by the news. It was heartbreaking to be reminded how universally well liked she was. So many people really loved her, which makes this whole event even more tragic and pointless.

I suppose I am struggling with this more than others because I have never considered suicide. There have been terrible days in my life that I never want to revisit, and periods when I was definitely clinically depressed... but I've never felt hopeless enough to end it all. I don't think I could do that to my family. And I don't know what is waiting for me. I have been offered the red pill and the blue pill but still haven't decided.

I know Megan was in a lot of pain. I'm sure she felt totally alone in the end, but SO MANY people would have reached out to her if she had asked for help. Dammit Megan. Everyone loved you. It didn't have to end this way.

Current Mood: angry and drunk and tired
Current Music: Kite - up for life

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April 21st, 2017

09:50 pm
So when exactly did suicide become the number one cause of death amongst people I know? Here is the scorecard for this month:

1. First: My bff MiMi's adopted brother, a cop, who committed suicide at his police station. The funeral was Saturday April 8 in Houston. He left behind a beautiful wife and two pre-teen daughters. He was depressed, and being a cop is stressful. I feel so bad for his two little girls now growing up without their father.

2. Second: one of my previous business owners, a hospice administrator. He had a long history of bipolar disorder and committed suicide last week, his funeral was Tuesday morning. His children were grown and he had recently sold his business and retired with his wife to Nicaragua.... he should have been living out his days lying on a beach somewhere.

3. Third: sacredwater. My dear friend Megan.

I left LJ in 2010 for FB and came back in 2015, specifically at the request of sacredwater. Why did I honor her request? She had fought depression for a long time. In the fall of 2014 I called police and had her picked up for a 72-hour psychiatric observation because she was suicidal.... she didn't speak to me for almost a year afterwards. By the fall of 2015 she had forgiven me and we were friends again.... and for whatever reason, she had come back to LJ. Her posts were usually pictures or song lyrics or rambling poetry, the kind of stuff that didn't make sense on FB, I guess. I'm not sure. But she invited me back to LJ, and I used it to keep tabs on her. Sometimes she wouldn't respond to emails or text messages for days, but if I ever made an LJ post, I heard from her immediately.

She declined pretty dramatically in the past year and a half. She had been to rehab several times before for alcohol abuse, but the more urgent problem was her recurrent depression. THIS POST was totally about her, gender reversed, but she didn't get it. :( She actually texted me after reading the entry to ask if she knew the friend I was writing about, but I couldn't get her to see it. I shouldn't have been so subtle.

She moved to Portland last August, under terrible circumstances. She was mentally ill. She was paranoid (she had been caught installing a spy camera in a government building) and abusing drugs/alcohol (she got a second DWI and on another occasion OD'd and passed out, falling on her face and knocking out some teeth). She was seeing a doctor but it wasn't helping. I was stupid and optimistic. I hoped the change in locale to Portland would be good for her... and for a moment, I thought I was right. When she came back in October for MM's wedding party at my house, she seemed a tiny bit happier. But this was a brief respite.

The past six months she has rapidly deteriorated. The texts from her were intermittent and sad. I had talked to her ex-boyfriend Ryan on the phone more than once, he was worried about her.... but when Ryan went to visit her in Portland in December, she seemed stable. She told me she was moving back to San Antonio in the fall, when her year lease was up, and she was already looking for a new job back here. Two months ago Ryan called me because she had asked him to "take care of her cats if something happened to her". We argued for an hour on the phone. Neither of us knew what to do... unfortunately the police/social services will only intervene if someone is an imminent danger to themselves or others... and Megan was smart. She knew that threatening suicide would get her committed again, so she chose her words carefully.

I realize now that moving across the country was the worst thing she could have done. She was trying to move away from her legal problems, but it only isolated her further from the few friends she had left. I tried many times to get her to reach out to her family, but she said repeatedly that they didn't care... she was adopted and felt inferior to her brother, the biological son with a wife and children. I don't know her family at all, but their behavior since her suicide only confirms their disinterest. I last heard from Megan Monday... she died Monday night. Her coworkers sent the police to her house for a welfare check because she didn't come to work. Her family chose not to notify her friends, we found out two days later by accident... they all know Ryan, he should have been contacted immediately. And the worst part? Her family let the pound confiscate her two beloved cats, Loki and Phoebe. Megan would be devastated if she knew her pets were in a shelter instead of adopted by friends or family.

I'm so sorry Megan. Your blood is on my hands, I failed you. RIP.


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April 20th, 2017

11:25 pm - _antisocialite_ and sacredwater

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April 17th, 2017

05:28 pm - 227
How did you know? I haven't told anyone... I haven't told a single person.


April 16th, 2017

02:22 am - All of a sudden things are looking up
I should be doing my taxes but they are due two whole days days from now.... And if there is one thing I am good at, it is procrastinating! I am the best! If there was a procrastination contest, I would win.... if I got my application in on time? So instead I am shopping for a new crappy phone (I want a better camera), and books (I haven't read anything since March), and posting in LJ... I have kind of dropped off writing regularly so I am trying to get back in the habit. PS: you are the best listener, really. You never interrupt me when I am talking. :D

Unlike other people having adventures this weekend, unfortunately nothing super interesting happens on my on-call week... Except! Today I chatted a bit on FB with my old pal Bob Price (he of the 1990's Morrissey date) about the ex-girlfriend whose concert ticket I usurped.... my old pal KK Ward. KK was an officer in my service fraternity (Alpha Phi Omega), and we lived across the hall from each other during our junior and senior years at TCU (yes, I was totally the nerd who lived in the lesbian dormitory all four years).

KK graduated in 1994 and I flew out to her wedding in Tennessee in the fall of 1994. She married an aspiring country music songwriter named Craig... they had met in church camp as teenagers (and they were getting married in the rural countryside where the camp was, it was too cute). The last time I saw her was 1996-1997ish, when I visited the newlyweds back at their home in Nashville. Craig had some success at that time, but they were still struggling. We sat on his 1970's couch and he sang me the newest song he was peddling, Betty's Got a Bass Boat. By this time, I was in graduate school, and KK was working as a graphic designer and thinking about applying to the seminary. I got a few Christmas cards from them after that but we eventually lost touch. She's not on FB, so neither Bob or I really had any idea whatever happened to her....

old snapshots of me & Craig & KK in Tenessee

WELL I may be a terrible stalker (obviously) but through the power of google I did catch up with our friend KK.... yes, she did eventually become a DofC pastor. And her husband? He became THIS GUY. Wow!! I don't listen to country music at all, but even I've heard Live Like you were Dying in an elevator somewhere... :D I could make a joke here about them going at home at night to roll around in their piles of money, but reportedly they are extraordinarily generous and well-respected. I'm not surprised at all. I'm so happy for her :D

And the moral of the story is: sometimes the nice guy does finish first :D

Hmmm. I might have a country music song in me somewhere. It would be called, "I'm the luckiest dog on the porch" and it would be about a cutie pie I know. ;)

Current Mood: too bouncy for 2am
Current Music: Pam Tillis - Betty's Got a Bass Boat

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April 13th, 2017

02:21 am - that joke isn't funny anymore
Working.... though I don't think I'd be sleeping anyways, my on-call week was perfectly timed. I actually had a last minute invitation to skip out of work and see Morrissey tonight, but then he cancelled again (his third San Antonio show cancelled in six months). :/ I guess I will have to scratch him off the live show bucket list... I've actually seen him once many years ago, but at the time I was a prissy teenager and had no idea who Morrissey was (I was just filling in for my bff, who had dumped her older boyfriend Bob and he needed an escort).

so instead of being at the show, I'm mindlessly perusing youtube in the middle of the night... which led to an important discovery: THE FAINTING GOAT IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL!!

So klutzy and ridiculous and adorable. *sigh* if only my silly HOA would allow pet goats...

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Faithless - Insomnia

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April 12th, 2017

03:29 am
Thanks to those of you who sent me messages, it was incredibly kind of you to reach out to a virtual stranger.

I have wanted to write but still don't know how to apologize. I was so excited just to be near you, really.... my hands were shaking. But I'm so intimidated by you that I chickened out. I'm so sorry. Please don't be angry.

Goodnight sweet prince. XO

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April 7th, 2017

06:57 pm

Current Mood: anxious

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March 31st, 2017

08:18 pm - Friday night lights
March 2017! Featuring: Mimi & her mom, Jenn-o-syde, MM & LL, HG & Monica, Etienne, Dr. Romeo, DJ Inka, Hans, Airwrecka, Paul, Lester the robot, Bartacus & Trannycat, and Marky Mark the Raccoon. Floods! Fire! Danger! No blood and guts, but... bruises and syringes?

I have so much fun with this little app even though I'm not a creative genius like some people *sigh*

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: Iris - Have I lost it all

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March 27th, 2017

04:54 am
Sometimes you say something so perfect or insightful that I wonder how you knew it. Am I that obvious, or are you that perceptive, or was it just a lucky guess? Because I never feel like I am sure what you are thinking. Hmmm I should be sleeping....

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March 25th, 2017

12:22 pm - Better late than never
Well howdy LJ. I'm alive and well, thanks for asking. It turns out San Antonio is in the middle of a mini-influenza-epidemic, and all three of us who worked last weekend tested positive for influenza Tuesday morning (and now, three of their kids). My two coworkers got the rest of week off to recuperate, but I was forced to go into work anyways...just quarantined into a corner with my own computer and phone, and one of my employees occasionally sprayed me down with Lysol. *sigh* The one thing that sucks most about my job is that I can never call in sick. Well, I suppose I could call in sick if I was on FIRE, but then I should come in right away after the fire department leaves. Um... I guess that's job security? :D

BTW I heard some gossip that a local ne'er-do-well was maliciously spreading the influenza virus by coughing on unsuspecting dental hygenists, but this nasty rumor, whilst unconfirmed, is at most speculative, because the accused offender was outside of the window of time in which they would be considered contagious. </rant>

So I'm curling up with a book and staying in bed all weekend... I'm still coughing a lot, so I don't know if I will go out to ride my pretty new bike or make my Saturday night social engagement. But since I'm holed up in my bedroom, I will give an quick Iceland recap to those of you who didn't get the play-by-play on my FB (a month late, I know):


I was only in Iceland for three days, and more than half of my activities were cancelled due to weather. I arrived in Iceland during a blizzard... yes, Iceland is near the artic circle, and therefore cold and snowy, but really their winters are overall pretty mild! Because of the gulf stream, the temps are usually in the 30's (not -30's) in the wintertime. This February, however, had record-setting cold weather. That was fine by me, because the primary point of my vacation was to visit SNOW!! Those of you who live in winter locations cannot imagine how MAGICAL snow is to those of us who never see it.... I've lived in south Texas most of my life and only seen snow a few times. So I wanted to see a winter wonderland... and I definitely got it on this trip! I got wet snow, fluffy snow, crunchy snow, all different kinds. :) Iceland is a volcanic mountainous island... there are very few trees or shrubs. So the winter landscape is smooth snowy mountains with the occasional black rocks jutting through.... it looks like a big bowl of chocolate chip ice cream. :)


I arrived early Friday morning, and all tours were cancelled that day because of sleet and 30mph winds. So I mostly explored Reyjkavik.... it's only about 120,000 people, so the main shopping/downtown areas are compact and within walking distance of all the tourist hotels. Of course I went to my bucket list item, the Icelandic Phallological Museum!! (really, I can't recommend it, it's a rip-off and a complete waste of your $15, but I was SO EXCITED to be there!). Of course I bought the tshirt. :p My Friday trip to the Blue Lagoon got bumped to the evening, but the thermal lake is just as beautiful after sunset... it is dimly lit, so in some places it is very romantic, and in other places looks like an alien disco... the way lights shine through the steam coming off the milky blue water is very pretty. I paddled around with a glass of wine and an algae/mud concoction smeared on my face for a couple of hours. :)

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Saturday there was a slight break in the winter storm.... long enough that I got a tour of some of the local natural wonders, like the Gulifloss waterfall and the geysers of Haukadalur valley. But the highlight of the day was definitely snowmobiling on the Langjokull glacier... SURREAL is the only word to describe it... The snow on the ground was perfectly uniform and white, and the sky was perfectly white, so you couldn't see the line of the horizon. So with no landmarks (no trees, no rocks, no mountains) you had zero depth perception, even though visibility was good.... it was like driving into a blank piece of paper. You had to just follow the snowmobile in front of you (and how the guide knew where he was going, I'll never know). I was paired with a cute chick from Hong Kong... we drove out 10-15 miles, paused for pictures, switched drivers, and came back... on the way back (when I was driving) the blizzard hit again, and I began to wonder how many years it would take for them to find our bodies....

My Saturday night plans were again cancelled due to high winds, but while wandering around downtown I bumped into two delightful elderly couples from Devonshire, England (home to Chris Martin, they were friends of his parents, and they were quite disappointed that I couldn't name a single Coldplay song), and we all had dinner together at Matarjkallarinn, which was delicious (no, I didn't eat the local Puffin, which is what all the tourists want, because they are just TOO CUTE). Icelanders are pretty carnivorous.... they eat mostly fish and lamb (there is not much arable land to grow vegetables). In the summertime, >600,000 free-range sheep roam the island, which I think is hilarious (they actually warn you when you rent a car, because they are a road hazard). If you are a sheep rancher, you tag your sheep in the spring and set them loose!! then all the ranchers get together in the fall, herd them into the towns, and divide them up. LOL there is no way that would work in america....

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After dinner I popped into the Lebowski Bar for a $20 white russian. Icelanders don't drink much, it is very expensive, and beer was actually illegal until 1989. So how are they statistically speaking the happiest and longest-lived people on earth (next to the Japanese)??? hmmm

Saturday night snow

While walking back to my hotel, it started to snow again (the biggest fluffiest flakes I'd ever seen). By the time I got up for breakfast Sunday, the city had 20 inches of snow overnight!! so beautiful!!

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Needless to say, all the tours were cancelled again Sunday, and many businesses were closed until the streets were cleared. I was kinda bummed because in the morning I was supposed tour the south coast, where they have the black sand beaches, visit an ice cave, and then have an ATV/quad bike mountain tour in the afternoon. But the city was gorgeous covered in snow, so I didn't mind, I wandered around for hours. In the evening I took a boat tour out into the bay to see the northern lights, but they didn't appear despite ideal weather conditions (of course, the next night, they were spectacular!).

I had a wonderful time. I want to go back and see Iceland green and mossy in the summertime, and I will re-book all the things I missed. I chatted with mom a bit this week, she's interested in going back with me!! Hmm will need to meet with her to make plans.... I think I should go to Houston to visit her in two weeks, what do you think? ;)


Current Mood: spirited
Current Music: Depeche Mode - so much love

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March 16th, 2017

02:59 pm - Yesterday was so strange: Ides, Rides, Brides
Well hey! you learn something new everyday! Yesterday I learned your left brake controls the front wheel on your bike. I learned this going down a hill at a high rate of speed. Today I am soaking in a tub, covered in bruises and road rash.... The bike is totalled and in a dumpster :) But hey! This time I didnt break any bones (awesome), I didn't land on my face (fantastic) and now I get to buy a new bike (excellent)!


TL;DR long boring wordy post. Maybe I'll add some pictures or something later to make it more interesting.Collapse )


Current Mood: possibly euphoric on pain meds
Current Music: Iris - Radiant

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March 12th, 2017

03:28 am - Let me take you on a trip
My first post in two weeks!! I hope you have not been worried about me, even though I have been worried sick about you. I'm so sorry, I am not ignoring you. As they say in Iceland, "ég er í vinnutörn"!! Since I've come back from vacation, I've been pulling 12 hour days at work and going in on weekends... partially because I fired one of my best employees, partially because we are installing robotics in the office. I'll be back at work again overtime today (Sunday). Luckily I think we are almost caught up and and things will go back to normal 9-5 working hours.... just in time for me to start my on-call week tomorrow. :/


Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will findCollapse )

Current Mood: sympathetic
Current Music: Depeche Mode - The world in my eyes

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February 28th, 2017

12:41 am - come calm me down
HOME! Yes, I should be sleeping, but I'm still buzzing. And I remember today is a special day, I wanted to post. Iceland was AWESOME!! Hopefully I will update about my trip this weekend, depending on whether or not I decide to go to Dallas for Dita. Even the things that went wrong on the trip were perfect: Blizzard? Just what I was hoping for! My Blue Lagoon swim got rescheduled from day to evening? I think it's actually prettier at night! I lost my phone? Someone turned it in at the hotel desk! Evening boat trip got moved last-minute to sunday? Now I have Saturday night out on the town! 20 inches of snow Sunday morning and everything is closed? It is spectacularly BEAUTIFUL!! Sadly, I didn't make it to the black sand beach, and I didn't see the northern lights... but I'm sure I will go back someday (maybe during the summertime), so I have no regrets. :D

THANK YOU benicek!! Based on his recommendation, I started the one-second-everyday app on February 1st, and I love it. It is so easy.... they have a month option (on the calendar view, every day shows you the available videos) or a "freestyle" option (for example if you just wanted to do a vacation video). I chose my snippets yesterday on the plane ride, and recorded the last day a few minutes ago (enjoying an Icelandic cocktail Bjork/Brennevin as I unpack my luggage). So here is my compilation video for the month of February 2017!! (I chose the 1.5 second option, so it is longer than 28 seconds). I mean, it's not going to win an Oscar, but it was a lot of fun... you should upload the app today and make a video for March! :D

Current Mood: violently happy
Current Music: Bjork - Violently Happy

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February 22nd, 2017

10:37 pm - if I had a voice I would sing
Leaving tomorrow around noon for Iceland, doing my last minute packing tonight. Doing a quick check-in with my LJ friends... maybe because I'm nosy, maybe because you can't help how fascinating you are. And really, I hope you will miss me when I am gone....

According to my travel guide, Iceland was founded by Vikings and their Irish female slaves. Huh I am submissive and have red hair, now I just need a Viking and we could rule the world together :)

I don't think I will sleep much tonight. I loaded this song to my phone and I am listening to it on continuous repeat. The chanting is very soothing and hypnotic. I hate flying, I am hoping this song will get me through my three plane flights Thursday without assaulting a flight attendant. :/ If anyone else has a recommendation, I will happily listen to it.

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Fever Ray - If I had a heart

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February 20th, 2017

11:27 am - Birds of a feather
I'm glad my terrible on-call week is over! (Well it wasn't 100% terrible, my pal HG came into town for a surprise 48 hours visit). The worst part: it turns out one of my employees let their professional license lapse SIX months ago, and I just discovered it Monday. Her negligence means she has a mandatory probation and has to appear in front of the state board... and as her supervisor, I suffer serious consequences as well. I'm going to be called in front of the state board, and the penalty will be a hefty fine and extra continuing education. Additionally there will be a permanent notation on my license of the violation (which I will have to explain for the rest of my life whenever I apply for a job). As I've written before, it takes a lot to make me angry, but I really lost my shit this time.

Oh, and "lose my shit" means, I stoically said to her "under the circumstances, your employment is immediately terminated." LOL my employees know if I'm yelling, it's a joke.... if I'm quiet, I'm furious. I have always credited my level-headedness and stability to my many years in retail (if you are easily provoked, you don't last long in management). But honestly it comes from my childhood, my family was very emotionally undemonstrative. Even though we all love each other dearly, we were never the kind of family that hugged or said I love you when I was growing up..... everyone in my family is pretty reserved (we didn't even have the volatile teenage years that most families have). I don't think I even hugged my siblings hello/goodbye until I was in my 30s?? We've warmed up a bit in recent years, I have to give the credit to my sisters for our progress.... things changed when they had children. They became more affectionate in general and it seems to have spread to the rest of our family, there is definitely an improvement. :)


I wonder what your family is like? My bff MiMi's mother is arriving today to visit for a couple of weeks, and I'm pretty sure her upbringing was the polar opposite of mine! Her mom is a very sassy Cuban, and her father an artistic Frenchman. They both immigrated here in the 60's (I'm still not sure how Mimi speaks English so clearly, both of her parents have thick accents). Mom is retired now to her condo in Palm Beach... they bought the condo almost 50 years ago, when the area was less populated. Now? The building is surrounded by mega-mansions (Rod Stewart, John Lennon, James Patterson) and a mile away from Trump's Mar-a-Lago resort. Since the inaguration, Trump has spent a couple of weekends at the resort, with the extreme security creating a traffic nightmare for the local residents (Ocean Boulevard is only a two-lane street), so mom decided it was the perfect time for a San Antonio vacation!! :D Usually MiMi goes to visit her instead.... I went with her once, a few years ago. The spectacular view from her mom's condo balcony:


Mimi's mom is awesome, so I'm sad I'm going on vacation for part of the time she is here to visit... I leave on Thursday and arrive 7am Friday in Iceland. I've been checking the weather, and it's going to be AWFUL (snow/sleet), which I am very excited about!! *sigh* if only I had someone going with me to snuggle and keep me warm at night...

Until next time XOXO

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: Maren Morris - the company you keep

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February 13th, 2017

02:00 pm - Roses are red, Violets are blue.....
Well I had a productive weekend... During the daytime I *finally* dissasembled my vegetable garden to move it to the other side of the yard (it is enclosed in a 12x12 chain link dog run, because fencing is necessary to protect it from my local deer herd). My garden has been too shady the past couple of years and hasn't produced well. I have a huge yard (half an acre) but no suitable place for my vegetable garden because I have 31 trees... I'm sadly gonna have to sacrifice one in the new spot I've chosen for the garden, I'll dig it up this week. :/ After church/brunch Sunday I ran over to the nursery to fondle the spring seedlings, even though it's too early to plant. Fingers crossed I will have bumper crop of tomatoes and peppers this summer. :)

I also had a unusually social weekend... went to the movie with Paul on Friday after work, saw MM & LL & Sergio Saturday night, and hung out with my alcoholic friends on Sunday night. It was great to see everybody because I'm busy for the next few weekends... this week I'm on call, the next weekend I'm in Iceland, and first weekend in March I'm supposed to go to Dallas to see Dita Von Teese's neo-burlesque revival....though I can't find anyone to go with me, so I might sell my tickets :/ I'm not sure why nobody is interested in seeing flawless corsetted half-naked women with me? I took my then 70-year-old mother to the show about 5 years ago and she loved it... maybe the target audience is old ladies? hmmm :D

dogrun.jpg ditatux.jpg dita horse.jpg ditashoes.jpg ditagloves.jpg aleister.jpg aziz.jpg laurie-anderson-big-science.png

My book this week (in honor of Valentine's Day) was Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari. I didn't pick this book (it was a gift last fall from my friend Colette), but I really enjoyed it. It's not your typical contractually-obligated-comedian-memoir, it's actually more of a sociology book (co-authored by professor Erik Klinenberg) with personal anecdotes from Aziz to illustrate the studies/interviews. The largest portion of the book is dedicated to U.S. statistics regarding online dating and other ways technology intersects with romance, but they also review historical marriage data and make comparisons to dating customs in international locales (Tokyo and Buenos Aires). There are several passages in the book discussing the psychology of choice (interesting enough that I might pick up a book on the topic later). Aziz's funniest stories are about his parents' relationship (they had an arranged marriage) and tacos. He's obsessed with tacos.... but really, who isnt? :D

I suppose I liked this book so much because most of it was news to me... I've never used any dating apps/websites, unlike my friends and family. My brother met his lovely wife on Match.com, and some of the dudes in my social circle are actually my friend HG's OK Cupid rejects. My brother & roomie are always harrassing me to try online dating: I don't meet anyone at work (I see the same ten people every day) and my social group is too incestous, they've all dated each other (LOL). But I'm not interested, I'm not comfortable being that vulnerable on the internet. No, I'm not paranoid, but I definitely don't have the self confidence required to advertise myself. So I have no valentine, but I do have a very very short wish list ;)

Anyways, must sign off ~ I'm going for a loooong jog this afternoon before work, because I am 100% sure when I go into the office today there is going to be PILES of Valentine's Day candy waiting for me. But while I am locked in the office overnight eating chocolate kisses, I'll be thinking of someone in particular XOXO

Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: Maren Morris - Sugar

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February 5th, 2017

08:35 pm - I want your drama, the touch of your hand
At work.... I'm a team player! It's not my weekend on-call, but all my coworkers are rabid football fans, so I agreed to come in this afternoon to cover the Superbowl.... I've never really understood the appeal of football. It seems awfully slow paced to me? You must explain. I want more action in my sports (GO SPURS!), and I'm not into big beefy dudes anyways. Funny because everyone I work with is also a big fan of boxing... which as a medical professional, I really cannot endorse. Is the winner the one with the least amount of brain damage?? >:(

I was supposed to go to my pal MM's Superbowl party tonight, but I was really only going for the fancy beer & Lady Gaga halftime show.... so I let HR bribe me with some Clown Shoes, and here I am in the office doing paperwork instead. It's fine because it gives me the day off Monday, and I need to go buy some waterproof glacier-hiking shoes and break them in! AND now HR owes me a favor, so I'm thinking about going to Dallas for my birthday in May... ;)

I'm totally not ready to leave for Iceland in 2.5 weeks, but I was working out some details with my tour guide ("Melkorka") and it turns out my hotel is near the new location of the Icelandic Phallological Museum! I am so excited! Wait, no, I do not have some strange obsession, let me explain: one of my favorite documentaries of all time is The Final Member, a movie about the museum, which I first saw in 2012 at Fantastic Fest in Austin. I love documentaries in general, but this one was such a surprise.... at the beginning of the movie, I wasn't sure if it was serious or a joke... but it was a beautiful, bittersweet, profound movie. I cry every time I see it.

(note: I own this movie and I have loaned the DVD to several friends, they all hated it. I love it anyways) :D

At work tonight I finished my third book for the year (yes, I am still behind, but I will catch up!!). I decided I would give you a fifth-grade book-report style entry after each one (hopefully to break my writers block).

This week's book was The Soul of an Octopus, which I had mixed feelings about. Parts of the book are very interesting... the author writes of her relationship with four octopuses at the New England aquarium (Athena, Octavia, Kali, Karma) who clearly have superior intelligence and unique personalities, and she gives you extensive background on octopus neurology. She writes in detail about her learning to scuba dive to find octopuses in the wild (which makes me want to scuba, even though I can't swim) and other adventures, like going to the Seattle Aquarium for the annual "Octopus Blind Date" (on Valentine's Day, which usually ends with the female octopus eating the male octopus). :D

The author spends a lot of time describing her emotional attachment to the octopuses. They recognize her, and she calls them "friends" yet two of them are kept in a barrel for lack of a better environment. She never describes their conditions as cruel, which they clearly are... the most moving passage in the book describes when they finally transfer Kali out of her barrel (where she lived for almost a year) into a large tank with coral and landscape, and Kali is overjoyed. I recently went to the SA aquarium with my family when they came to visit, and they have a fully mature octopus in essentially a bathtub. It's incredibly sad. These are extraordinarily intelligent creatures and they deserve better. Heck, Octopuses understand pointing!! (My cats don't even understand that!) The Kraken does not approve~ grrr

2/6 3pm: edited to remove all the YELLING, sorry. I was obviously a little animated when I wrote this :)

Current Mood: worked up
Current Music: Lady Gaga - Bad Romance

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February 1st, 2017

08:01 pm - No pain, no gain
Oh wow. I've had a bit of a dry spell. Writing is definitely not something that comes easily to me, it has always been a difficult mental exercise. I need optimal conditions/planetary alignment to produce something complete and publishable. I think I've started and scrapped this essay three times in the past week. :D

My January was pretty awesome: my family came to visit for five days, I ran my first 10k, and I had lots of quality time with friends at the cocktail conference and Solar Fake show. I am very blessed; any minor problems I have are all of my own creation, so they are nothing to complain about. I'm terribly worried about three friends now going through a major personal crisis (probably the topic for my next post), and they make me realize I am the luckiest dog on the porch. I hope I provide them with at least a tiny amount of emotional support.

Work has been busy. My boss is inching towards full retirement, so he has been taking me out on sales calls to see current and prospective clients. I love my job, so I'm ok with telling people what a great service we offer, but otherwise I'm a terrible salesperson... I don't have the confidence required and I definitely can't read people. I'm not good at interpreting body language or other subtle cues. My roomie Polly, who worked in military intelligence for 8 years, insists that it is a skill I could learn... she is very good at it. She can size up anyone within just a few minutes of conversation and pinpoint their motivation.... there's no keeping secrets from her. I'm totally the opposite, and pretty darn gullible. For that reason, both my roomie and brother get nervous when I travel alone (I think they are imagining a Brokedown Palace scenario). Anyways, I'm off point.... I think my sales pitch might be improving, but my boss is still the guy who closes the deal. I do the talking and then at the end he swoops in, shakes hands, flashes his winning smile, and takes all the credit. LOL I'm ok with that :D

I have been slooowly chipping away at my new year's to-do list. I got the outside of the house painted, I picked out an ENT, and I've read two books (supposed to be four).... I was all ready to pat myself on the back for my achievements when I scrolled down to my post from February 1st 2016, and I realized it could have been written TODAY. I just buried another too-young friend, I'm still having my strange intermittent eye problem (now actively avoiding the eye surgeon), the plumbing in my house is a continual headache (now I have a toilet that is leaking around the base), and I'm still hopelessly enamored with someone unattainable. :)

Groundhog Day is tomorrow!

It's like instead of Groundhog Day, I had a Groundhog Year. Hmmm. I vaguely remember the movie, essentially the message was that you get the same result if you keep doing things the same way? That you should embrace the limitations of the environment you are given, but still try to enact change? Huh I need to rewatch it for suggestions, so my story finishes next February with a new happy ending. But in the meantime.... let's shake things up. As an incentive for my future progress, I impulsively bought my tickets tonight to Iceland, time to stop talking about it and just GO... leaving on the 23rd! And I'm gonna drive (possibly crash) a snowmobile! I reassured my roomie there was not a big drug smuggling industry in Iceland, so I should be safe going alone :P

Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: Edge of Dawn - Save my soul

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January 20th, 2017

01:33 pm - push the envelope
I should be sleeping (getting ready for my weekend on-call shift) or writing about last weekend's adventures, but when I got home this morning, I checked my mailbox and had snail mail all the way from Ireland thanks to fitzjameshorse!! So exciting! Thank you, sir!! I'd happily pay it forward so if anyone would like me to send them a cheesy postcard or love letter just let me know.... ;)

postcard and cactus.jpg

It was exciting because once you take out my ebay/amazon purchases, 99% of my mail is junk mail and it gets thrown in the trash before I ever make it back to the front door.... it annoys me because it is such a waste of paper and resources. (Funny to think, once upon a time, I took the civil service exam and actually got hired to the USPS.) Anyways, I never get real mail anymore, but narcissistic milennials worried about immortality should know that I still get mail for the original owner of my house, who died in 1974. :D


Even though I haven't handwritten a proper letter since email became commonplace (LOL I still use a hotmail address, even though Microsoft continually threatens to shut it down), I keep an shoebox full of letters from the 80s and 90s collecting dust. I just can't bear to throw them away... though after reviewing some of them, maybe I should start hiding them in the trash :D Of course I pulled the shoebox out of the closet this morning, and I spent the last two hours flipping through old letters... some from childhood friends, but predominantly from TCU college pals. The most letters are from my old pal Andrew in NYC.

Andrew was a ballet dancer (TCU has an excellent ballet program) and he moved to NYC in the mid-1990's with dreams of performing on Broadway... he worked at Bloomingdale's in Manhattan in-between to make ends meet. He wrote me quite a bit when he first moved to NYC (he was lonely in the big city), but we eventually lost touch when I went back to grad school and he found new friends and success. I hadn't thought about him in years, until this morning... I secretly facebooked him and he is happily married to a dude named Michael and they run a non-profit musical theater in Kansas City. :)

I hope we all live happily ever after! Have a nice weekend ~ XOXO
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Stevie Wonder - Signed, Sealed, Delivered

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