It's life's little let downs, spontaneity...
So here I am, I just finished my papers, now I should study. It's three in the morning, and I am feeling ever so worn out. Emotioanlly, physically, and mentally. I brought this upon myself, trust me I know this so I guess I can't complain. But I am just, blogging. Meh.
So birthdays to me are special, but something usually seems to go wrong. I try not to be a pessimist, but sometimes I can't help it. There are a bajillion wonderful, amazing things that happen to me and I am so so so lucky, but then there is that one thing that just gets to me. I know I shouldn't, but I get all pouty because it's my birthday and I want everything to go right. I am a spoiled brat who wants her way, especially on a day that is supposed to be special. It's hard to focus on the good things in life, but I try. I try so hard, I hope people see that in me. And I have this problem, I do not think people see the good in me, because I do make so many mistakes and fuck up so bad. I am always talking about that, oh woe me, but that isn't it! This year I think I have made so many impacting mistakes than I ever have in my entire life. They really hold my heart down. Once again, try and look at the good things that you've acomplished. I guess it matters most importantly what I think about myself. I have learned a lot this year, and oh my God I can't even describe how much things have changed for me. I have so many emotions it's like I'm some angsty teenager. I cry about everything. I cry because I lost someone I thought I would have spent the rest of my life with [unrealistic] but I met someone who I never thought I could ever meet, undescribable. I met a soul with the biggest heart in the entire world. I met someone who I can share my thoughts and relationship problems with [ha] I met a girl who just wanted to have a good time because she felt her high school years were not fullfilling enough. I met so many people that impacted my life, and I love them all. I do know that my heart has grown 194924924924x bigger than ever, and what for? I've went through hell. I do not think anyone knows how unhappy I was the first semester, espcially towards the end of it besides maybe Jim. I remember one time I was in A-dale for the weekend. Me and Jim were fighting about something stupid so I was like, "Fine! I want to go back!" So he took me back. I am stubborn as hell, so I refused to speak, but about halfway I begged him to turn around, because I did not want to go back. I cried my eyes out simply because I did not want to come back here. I begged and begged, like I was being taken to a death camp or something. Pathetic! It was just me not feeling comfortable in my own skin, in my surroundings. I did not take the time to step out that door as much as I should have, instead I wanted to find a place where I could feel safe, and that was in his room surrounded by what was familiar. But fuck that. I am so much better than that, it was just adjusting to the change. Yeah, I did not do enough to get my ass out of this crappy dorm, but sometimes you just have to deal with the cards your dealt with, even though I didn't even deal with what I was dealt, because I was always trying to get the fuck out of here and go somewhere else. I just wanted to be by people that liked me I guess. I didn't care if it was in a tent outside, I just wanted to feel comfortable in my surroundings. Only a small handfull of people around here like me. So why would I put up with being here. My own fault.
I don't even know why I cry sometimes, but I have been crying a lot. I just want to cry about everything. I want to spill out my insides unto the floor and have them picked apart by standing observers. I just want to get everything out. I feel like such a freak because I am always crying or complaining about something. In all reality I have it great, my life is great. It's just the lack of direction that really hurts. Where am I going, what am I doing? This is all typical anxiety of a college kid, so I'm not all really different, there's like a bajillion other people that feel this way.
So I wanted to find baggage that goes with mine. Did I really find that? I think that me and Michael have a lot in common on the grounds of where we have been stabbed in the chest. He is a lot stronger than me though, and tougher. I got used to being shit on so much, I got used to being numb. I didn't think three years was such a big deal, but it really is. Three years can morph you into an entirely different person. So I wonder what I'll be like in three years. 21... Probably hotter than I already am. [haha] I always thought I was mature and had my head on straight, but hell I was so so wrong about myself. My head is like twisting off, and I am not mature at all. I act like I'm 10. Gosh, I kick myself for that. I want to be so much better. do I have too high of expectations for myself in such a short period of time? I think that next year will really be different. I am really looking forward to coming back to school. Uh oh here comes the waterworks again. All of these fucking emotions are so overwhelming. I do not want to float through life not knowing who I am, what I am about, and what I want to achieve. I know that...
All of my goals or dreams are stupid love shit, like oohh find my soul mate. Wtf. Be logical!
I want spend my lifetime in pursuit of love.
So I need a career that I can show my love through.
So yeah. My birthday was pretty great! AL came down, :] Mike made me a giant cookie cake, and he gave me a card in which the words presented in it will touch my heart forever. My friends came out to eat with me, which is the best gift ever. I'm really going to miss John, I'm really attached to that kid. haha
On the downer, I puked because I did not feel good most of the night. I am also a dumb ass.
Oh well. OH I got a rockstar drink too :] It makes my pee neon colored, I love it.