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You look so lovely running through my fingers

Nov. 10th, 2008

08:02 pm

How painful it is to realize youve outgrown someone. Its like that old stretched out,faded sweater, that used to fit just perfect in all the right places. Everytime you wore it, it gave the warmth you needed and the beauty you craved.  Then after a while it becomes threadbare and ragged. Then no matter how much you try,it doesnt fit like it once had. Thinking about it is a bit saddening,but a lesson I had to learn,even though it took 2 years to get there. Hopefully when the time is right, I can break this tactfully. doubt it.
There have been a handful of people that Ive taken a lot of shit off of b/c of how much i cared, I dwelled on memories waiting on the good to reappear. But it never does. The people who dont need to change do, and the ones that need to the most never will.
Its a great feeling to not feel the need to only please those around me, instead for the first time, Im pleasing me!

Oct. 7th, 2007

11:01 pm - Lately Ive Been Feeling Like a Falling Bomb

I've always loved that line, knew exactly what it meant, felt the emotion it was meant to, but I never thought that i would be living that verse.  Im just waiting on the initital contact that causes me to explode.

   Ive stepped back and have realized how different my life has become and how all of these fateful and inevitable phase of events have led me to where I am.  All of that goes to show that something vital is to be taken, some important lesson is to be learned through all of this, I just wish to hell I knew  what it was so i can begin my long uphill climb from this dark hole Ive fallen into.   Ive lost touch with so many aspects of my former self, mainly the people.  Most the people Ive loved the most in my life, I have somehow lost touch with.  Some of those relationships where lost for the better, but there are quite a few that I want more than anything than to regain those ties.   I just dont know how without being foolish.  However, foolish is all Ive been for quite some time.   I miss girl talk and carrides with my best friend, I miss going to concerts and listening to bob dylan like its going out style with a friend of college, I miss sitting out in front a bonfire with a handful of people Id grown rather close to when I came back into town, I miss the time I spent with myself, just analyzing the world.  I dont remember how all of this slipped away, but it has, and Im afraid its now unattainable.   Perhaps these things and these people have evolved past that and have changed in ways where those moment would cease to exist now, I do tend to romanticize things to a great degree, but itd be worth knowing either way.  I somehow just cut myself off from the world, and I miss it more than I thought i ever would, however unintentional it was for it to happen.

    Things with him just keep falling apart and when he knows Im about to pull away he does something wonderful to keep me there on a string.   I dont doubt his love, not for a second, but sometimes that just isnt enough.  I just dont understand him.  For example, last night I had fought with him for the longest time about not buying any drugs, and for two reasons, the first one being quite obvious because he's a former addict ( and Ive found out its not a thing of the past anymore) and the second being that he has overdrawn my accout  by a 780 somthing dollars and if it doesnt get paid by the middle of this month its going to go against my credit for seven years.  thats a HUGE fucking deal and if he cared about me and kept promises he would take care of that and direct his money in that the direction, not up his fucking nose.  But apparently I have no right to tell him not to, because apparently its not a problem when i want to do it, but it is when he does.  Ive never once went out and gotten it or proposed that we did.  I guess thats an addict for you, willing to say or manipulate anyone to get to what they want.  But anyways...he ended up getting it anyways and needless to say I was irrate.  And after a few minutes after getting back in the car with it, he has the audacity to ask me what I thought about him commiting suicide.   Does he take me for a fucking fool...why would you use that to get sympathy for someone so they wouldnt be angry at you anymore.  And of course I talked to him about it, because thats just the person I am, but not being quite so sympathetic about it.   And a while after I asked him why he never told me he felt that way before and his reply was that he didnt want me thinking he was insane or something and just didnt know when the right time would be to bring it up.... WHY would then be a good time ???  UGH !!  It just frustrates me to no end.
Im so tired of the mind games and the put downs and the fighting.  i know there is a wonderful person in there , Ive saw it about  a month after he got out of rehab.  And if it werent for me seeing that itd be so much easier to just leave, but fuck i just love him and know the potential ist here and its so hard to let go of.  Ive become his crutch and I say this because he says things like he cant live without me and he can do all these things he needs to do only if Im at his side,  And so I stay, for him, and that glimmer of hope I have that perhaps one day I will be enough for him to change, but i know he has to do that for himself.  Ive realized that in order for him to do that I am going to have to leave and only come around on occasion.   I dont want to be married with kids years down line, living on food stamps and welfare because all of our money goes to his habit.  I just cant do it, and I know things will only get worse.  I just know his family is going to but of that blame on me, and i just am stuck .  

I want my life back
I want him to be who i know hes is
I want to be completely happy for once in my life
I want to be able to fall asleep every night with out bawling my eyes
                                                 Dammit somthings gotta give
                                                                           and soon

Current Mood: morosemorose
Current Music: Tori Amos

Sep. 13th, 2007

10:05 am - A friend of the devil is a friend of mine

Well I obviously am not going to finish that long saga of the week from hell, what a surprise, Itd surprise me if I actually went through with something for once.  I found that lying around listening to elliot smith was therapy enough.  

It absolutely blew my mind when I realized it had almost been a year, there have been very few people Ive been able to put up with for that long, and Im pleasantly surprised that hes one of them.  I sometimes feel like we are much too sid and nancy-esque, in that we absolutely crazy about each other, and that we are both just absolutely crazy.  I really am starting to realize that perhaps we may be bad for each other.    I knew that we had completely different lifestyles, and I assumed that we would just eventually just balance each other out.  And instead I think i just gained a lot of his bad habits.   Dont get me wrong, he is quite a bit better altogether since rehab, but sometimes  "just a bit" isnt quite enough.   Im torn between having the mentality of "so what Im young its okay to fuck up" and the " we need to be responsible and plan ahead if were going to have a lasting 'adult' relationship" .   And him being the EXTREMELY persuasive individual he is, I end up choosing the wrong one. I may feel completely different if we werent living with his mom, hell id just assume live in my damn car, thatd really bring out the free spirit in me.
It dawned on me last night how funny, well more ironic perhaps, that everytime the clock read11:11 and everytime id cross a bridge, Id wish for just this with more heart than I wished for anything else, and now that I have it, Im growing more uncertain.   One minute Im certain that hes a huge mistake and that Ive completely fallen out of love with him and then i find a poem or song hes written to me, but not intending on me seeing, i just go right back to crazy about him again.   Im not sure what im trying to convince myself of.  

I need a job
I need to go back to school
I need an apt
I need to pay off these debts
I need a life other than the one I have of being a house wife

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: the grateful dead

Jun. 21st, 2007

08:52 am - Counting out my sins on rosary beads

Well I completely forgot I even had one of these and since Im fairly sure everyone else had too, I figured Id start writing in here again.  I got a little tired of making my feelings and experiences sound poetic, so ill just throw all these out there rather than talking and getting too emotional or being told what I should be doing and how wrong I am.
The past few weeks have been some of the roughest I have to say, but its those minute parts that are wonderful that keep me going.
Eric and I 's relationship has been a little rocky ( better now) and why I stayed is beyond me.  He began slipping into his old habits again, and its hard be strong for someone when youve slipped into those habits yourself.  I think what marked the beginning of the whole awful streak was when we had made plans to have a really romanitc date night, I was so excited becuase it had been sometime since wed done something like that, we somehow turned into a middle aged married couple, so of course I was quite elated.  Well one of his buddies from rehab who just happened to be the son of some old famous country singer called him and wanted him to come by his bar and have a drink for a minute.  I really didnt want to go but he promised wed make it quick.  And it was hard for me to argue w/ him b/c he and that  guy and gotten really close, so close this guy called him the son he never had, and thats pretty hard to go up against.  Well minutes turned into hours and 6pm became 2 am.  I was haveing a terrible time althought I tried not to, but that guy was kind of a creep, well not kind of he totally was. Eric kept getting annoyed w/ me for turning down drinks, b/c apparently thats rude, so i had a few drinks finally just to shut him up and eventually b/c i was so upset, being drunk was a better alternative. Well began fighting, and hes quite mean when hes drunk, and the sensative person I am, it was quite a struggle to hold back the tears in front of all these people.  Well we eventually end up leaving and the entire drive from nashville to springfield was a screaming match, and we both said some of those things that you should never say.  I mean i made him cry and thats  a pretty impossible task.  well right as we got into springfiled we somehow made up as he once again promised to make things up to me, and of course thats a promise thats hard to resist.  So we were going to just pack some clothes and go somewhere random for the weekend, we were thinking florida.  I was thinking how unlike me this was and that kinda gave me more of an intiative to do it.  well I didnt want to spend that much money so we settled on chattanooga. We mentioned getting something to help us stay awake for the drive, I was thinking coffee or redbull he was thinking coc. I was pretty against for the reason him being addicted to it, but other than that, I not a single problem with it.  But he went on about how he knew his limits now blah blah blah so i gave in, mainly b/c i wanted  it just as bad.  so we ended up staying with one of his friends down there and took and 8ball w. us   The guy we stayed w/ seemed alright, but  a little weird, but  it was a free place to stay.  Well the entire time we were there all they did was reminisce about old times, b/c well it had been a bout a yr since theyd seen each other, and you can really join a convo like that.  well then this CRAZY bitch showed up that was some friend of that guys, this girl never shut up the entire time she was with us, im pretty sure she was the weirdest most annoying person id ever met in my entire life, and that ill ever meet. I wont elaborate b/c it will take forever. well we all ended up going to some concert at 12 am, it was hot as hell and packed, and this would have otherwise been fun if my heart wasnt about to explode out of my chest at any given moment.  well after we got back to his place and about another 2 hours of that girl running her mouth 90 to nothing never even taking a single breath, doing all our shit, and smoking all our cigarettes. I pretended to be tired so eric and I could "go to bed" and hopefully shed just go home.  on the contrary... eric came with me and about a few minutes after we went in the room, she came in there and said that if we couldnt sleep shed be in the living room wired and we could come chill w/ her ( yeah right ) well eric said he wasnt tired, but hed give me something so i could sleep, so i was like no ill be fine, and just left me in there and hung out w/ her...  ( of course i later found out that guy was in there too ) but i was paranoid as hell, it does that to ya, and i was convinced that he wanted me to fall asleep so he could fuck her, not that she was very attractive, or anything positive, but guys dont really care about that, they do stupid shit when theyre messed up and will practically fuck anything that walks.  So i was flipping out and he eventually came in there i broke down and told him how i felt b/c it was killing me...and told me how silly i was and how no one holds a candle to me and it made me feel a little better and i when i found out that other guy was up i go t up b/c well i didnt want to miss anything...silly i know.  so we ended up staying up until 5am ish and eventually going to bed when i woke up was pretty sure id over dosed.  hell i probably almost did.  my whole body was numb and my nose was bleeding and i was throwing up blood was scared to death, eric wouldnt wake up for anything i was  completely sure i was about to die, so i was crying freaking out and bleeding everywhere, id never felt so bad in my entire life. i eventually passed out and when eric woke up and found me coverd in blood he was pretty freaked out especially since i8 wouldnt wake up either.  I swore id never touch that shit again and i meant it, I apparently dont know when to stop, it scared me to think back on everything and how of it i had done, i was completely disgusted with myself.  I took a shower and wanted to go home, so we did. 
I went home and slept for quite sometime and when i woke up mom was crying and she eventually told me why apparently my dad had been doing some pretty horrible things to her, taking advantage of her when she was trying to get a way from him, i cant bring myself to say or even type the word.  I felt terrible b/c I hadnt beent here to protect her, not that i could but ive always taken care of her, and i had failed.  I hate him so much and cant understand how you can do that to another human being let alone your goddamn wife.  I wanted to kill him and i meant that. I still do.  I told mom that when  we get our apt, which is probably in a month or so, id take in matthew and take care of him for a while so she could get another job to leave him, we both decided this i wanted her to stay w/ us to but she said she had to do this her way, so we compromised.   I hope she serious this time b/c id hate to think of what else could possible happen to make her leave.  I just need to learn that i cant save everyone, especially when i cant save myself...
Well my car is fucked up and im having to take it to the dealership again, and ill be home for a few days which ims ure will prove tragic....
this is part one and ill finish the second weeek of crap that i need to get off my chest soon

Nov. 21st, 2005

09:20 am

I seriously despise two people right now, some of the two people i thought would never let me down, the people who i didnt mind giving in to, admiting i was wrong, when usually I wasnt. Id finally get fed up and then out came the apologies and exucuses that i would fall for everytime.
These people meant the world to me although they didnt care about too much more than themselves. I believe I could go the rest of my life w/o contact with these individuals. I always thought, thats the way things were supposed to be, boredly listening to everything they had to say, but when it was their turn to do the listening when i needed someone, it was interupted with yet something else about them. I have found out over the last 5 months that this is definitely not the way things are supposed to be.
The people i have now chosen to surround myself w/ have made all the difference... for the first time in my life im finally, truly happy.

Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: eisley - marvleous things

Nov. 20th, 2005

02:06 pm

"Looking out the door i see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations as their shoes fill up with water
And maybe i'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind so you never know

When i'm broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it
Where are you tonight, child you know how much i need it
Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run

Sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
And much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no-one

So i'll wait for you... and i'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn

Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come

It's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when i slept so soft against her
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

Well maybe i'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong

Oh... lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Well I feel too young to hold on
And i'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage i've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love well i'm waiting for you

Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late "

this song says so much, I cant stop listenig to it...jeff buckley rocks my world

Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: jeff buckley - lover you shouldve come over

Oct. 30th, 2005

03:23 am

Im driving 20 miles over the speed limit, and screaming so hard my lungs feel as though theyre about to explode, even if they did I dont think it would hurt as much as I do right now.
Someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with me, i thought there was nothing left to change.

Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: DeathCab-Tiny vessels

Oct. 19th, 2005

11:41 pm

I always tend to think life should be better than this, that I was meant for so much more. I wonder how I can change everything to be what I wish I could be, thin, smart, perfect, and beautiful in every way, these type of the girls are the onces that really make it in this world. I too often ponder when Ill fall in love, maybe it could fill these spots I never can.

I think too much

I desire everything from everyone and myself, but somehow Im always giving up all I posses in search of this with nothing to show for it in the end, they all fall short of my expectations.
I need an entire day to myself to get all this longing and neediness out of my system, to shove these thoughts far inside of my mind,where they can no longer be reached. Best friends always take the day off when you need them the most
I need to be the center of someones universe.

I want too much

Too many emotions rush through my body all at once, sometimes I wish I couldnt feel at all... I miss being numb. I dont understand me.
Giving myself away guiltlessly with attempts to harden this heart that beats too loudly.

I feel too much

Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

Sep. 25th, 2005

09:14 pm - I still know the way to make your make-up run

Whew its been so fucking long I know, I doubt anyone even reads this anymore, but I mainly used this more as a therapeutic device anyhow. I love college, but the only downfall is time goes by way too quickly and between classes and work, I have pretty much no time for myself, and for doing the things I love, but Ive often thought maybe those things I feel that I love were just the things I used to occupy myself in high school so that I wouldnt go off the deep end. I always thought I would miss home more than I do, I hardly even think of cheatham county as my home anymore, and on the rare occasion that I do decide to go home, Im nothing short of a nervous wreck, and wonder how I survived it there for as long as I did, no wonder why I was in therapy. Ive also come to the conclusion that I hate men, and that Im incapable of having serious relationships with them. You see I have this severe problem with setting my expectations wayy too high, so therefore its almost inevitable that he will let me down. I think maybe I do this on purpose, perhaps unconsciously I want the relationship to fail, because when I do get into one I do almost anything to sabotage it, like having sex way too early just b/c I have a feeling thats all he wants so I just get it over with so we can both move on. And then there are the ones who truly do only want one thing, then they end up being everything I want, or at least I think so, and Im left a little more bitter than I was before. THEN there are the few that I pick and actually stay in a relationship with for a somewhat extended period of time, and they turn out to be completely psychotic, if you know me at all you know who im referring to, this particular individual, I have not dated in almost 2 years but still he leaves me threatening texts and leaves obscene messages on my cell phone that ssounds like hes jacking off or something, sad part is he has a girlfriend, well ok maybe the real sad part is that we havent dated for almost two years, but you catch my drift. Im just so sick of this run of bad luck.
I miss my best friend in the whole wide world, I never see her anymore and we live closer now than we did in high school. We have seen eachother 4 times since weve been here. Its so hard to believe how easy it is to drift apart from someone that youve known for so long.
Hmm this has no trace of anything profound or poetic, but I just needed to get some of this stuff off my chest.

Current Mood: cynicalcynical
Current Music: armor for sleep - car underwater

Feb. 7th, 2005

03:49 pm - my soul ...

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you awy from this world
So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time
You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...
But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult

You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.
Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.
Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.
Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.

Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Bob dylan

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