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Im Wat You Wished For And Couldnt Have <3

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add me or i'll castrate you :) [Tuesday
January 3rd, 2006]




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0 Beep Beep!

i hate being sick and single. lol [Monday
January 2nd, 2006]
[ mood | nauseated ]

you know how DFPC loves them six three one dykes <3
quad date soon ?

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just. wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. pictures soooon !!!! [Saturday
December 31st, 2005]
[ mood | happy ]

erm let me just tell you. What happens at dyke finery. STAYS at dyke finery. =)

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i wish i had.... [Monday
December 26th, 2005]
[ mood | bored ]

a girlfriend. who wasnt confused.
who doesnt fuck half the world...guys and girls.
who shares the same interests as me. But isnt my fuckin twin.
a girl who's sane...but can have fun wen she wants to.
a SMART girl. whos also pretty at the same time.
someone who isnt looking for love...but cares.
a girl that doesnt put herself down...but at the same time doesnt look at herself in the mirror every 2 seconds and goes "damn ! im hot !"

This girl is no where on long island apparently. God do i hate long island. I need to move lol

Someone explain to me why the Long Island gay scene is so lame ? lol

5 Beep Beep!

pretty much the saddest xmas i'll ever have...=\ [Saturday
December 24th, 2005]

merry christmas daddy <33

i miss and love you so much. :(

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people annoy me sometimes. [Saturday
December 24th, 2005]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Best Picture Ever. lmao♥

5 Beep Beep!

i love you so much and that will never change till the bitter bitter end. [Saturday
December 17th, 2005]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I Love You Daddy <3

I will always be daddys little girl. never ever leave my side <3333 wait for me with open arms, i'll soon catch up to you and we'll be together once again. Remember...you'll always be the hero in my eyes. Always and forever.



yes my dad passed away 3 weeks ago. He didnt make it. He let go, but i'll never let go. The loss of my father has hit me hard and im trying very much to deal with this properly although it times it seems almost impossible. Being with all my friends helps me so much and knowing so many of them care means so much to me.

Thanks especially to the imhof family for helping from beginning to end and of course for your support it truly means a lot to me.



RIP Francisco Boanerges Alvarado Portillo


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I'll always be daddys little girl <333 [Sunday
November 27th, 2005]
[ mood | worried ]

i just got a call from my brother. They did an operation on my dad today and he's not doing good at all. He told me to go see him right away because he might not live through today...omg. God please please please dont let him go. Please dont take him away from me. I feel like fucking shit. I should be in his place....im such an awful person. I didnt go see him friday or saturday. Im the worse daughter anyone could have. Ugh i dont know what to do. I cant lose him...i cant i cant i cant ! i dont know what i'll do if i lose him. I Love Him So Much. <333333333333 :( :'(. Please keep my dad in your prayers...in your thoughts...i need him to survive this.

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<3. [Sunday
November 27th, 2005]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Friday was amazing. the end.♥

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i'll always be daddy's little girl <33 [Sunday
November 20th, 2005]
[ mood | hopeful ]

yesterday was such a horrible day. The feeling i felt yesterday was unexplainable..and a feeling i hope i never have to feel again..for a really..long time.

My brother had called me and asked me to come to his house cuz him and my uncle wanted to take me somewhere but wouldnt tell me wat. My mom thought it might have been a surprise maybe like taking me out to eat for my birthday or something since i didnt get to see them for my actual bday that just passed. Boy was i wrong. In so many different ways.

When i got there i waited for a lil until he got home...he basically sat me down and said straight out. "We have to talk. Your dad is dying. Now we have to make a decision whether we want to keep him on the life support or take it off." I couldnt stop crying for hours. Literally...hours. My dad is 43 years old...im only 17...and my sisters only 8. He cant die now. And i wont let him ! he's not ALLOWED to die now. My heart sank into the pit of my stomach...you wouldnt believe the pain i felt at that very moment. 3 hours passed until my mom got to the hospital so that we could go and meet up with her. My mom was also extremely distraught. She was histerical.(and i dont mean funny.)

When we got to the Intensive Care Unit, there my dad was, in tubes all over the place keeping him alive...they were cleaning out his blood...and so many other things. He couldnt speak to us...or open his eyes...or move...but he could hear us. I kept crying and telling him how much i loved him. You wouldnt believe how many times i told him i loved him. I reminded him of what i we would always say wen i was younger. "If you die, i die." I asked him to be strong for me...he always told me he was a warrior. Well now he needed to be a warrior more than ever. I needed him here with me. I need him to watch me grow up....get a career..be proud of me. He couldnt leave us like this...not now. My mom said the most amazing yet shocking thing ive ever heard to him. She stood there beside him crying...and told him "we'll be a family again. do you want that ? we'll be together again..just please get better...please get up"

Later Rachels dad came and spoke to my family and the doctors. Im sooo incredibly grateful that he came...i could have cried than but i had done enough crying for the day and i didnt want to seem like an idiot infront of him...and i also wanted to be strong for my dad.

2 days ago he was so bad tho. I didnt know he was even in the hospital. My brother and uncle told me it was so bad that my uncle was actually looking for funeral homes. That actually angered me quite a bit because i cant BELIEVE they would actually go about doing that ! My dad IS strong. And i know he'll survive this. He has survived so many things in his life. He can deffinatly come out of this. I pray to god he will. Every day...every second...i think about him and i pray he's gonna be okay. I carry pictures of him with me in my phone...and one hanging up on my wall at home of him kissing me wen i was little. I know he's gonna be okay. He HAS to be okay. "If You Die, I Die"....

I love you daddy. Stick in there for me. I'll be there when you get up. ♥

oh and thank you sooooo much rachel....i cant express enough how grateful i am of you calling your dad for me <333333333333

5 Beep Beep!

asdfiua;osidfua;osijdfajdf yeahh. and stu lyk dat. 8) [Thursday
November 17th, 2005]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Im in the city with alyssa seeing the blood brothers right now.

And youre not. :)

Alyssa:...i pitter patter?...werddd.

2 Beep Beep!

GOdiediediediedieeeeee. [Wednesday
November 9th, 2005]
[ mood | pissed off ]

you stupid stupid cunts. youre worthless and i dont need you. I hope you go off live happily ever after and contract 52MILLION STDs !!!!!

im so sick of assholes, and whores, and fake friends, and backstabbing bitches, and "posersss", and girl/boy drama, and EVERY STUPID LITTLE THING THAT STUPID LITTLE 10 YR OLDS DO BUT ARE BEING DONE BY 16,17,18 YR OLDS !!...im sick of all this immaturity, and nonsense, and insolence. im sick of it allll. Everyone needs to fuckin learn to GROW UP !!...they need to learn when not to be ASSHOLES !!!!!!!!!, they need to learn to keep to their fucking WORD.

Fuck You.♥

4 Beep Beep!

i want a cigarette && starbucks. [Friday
November 4th, 2005]
[ mood | pissed off ]

so ive come to the conclusion that youre all worthless and fake. And i cant trust anyone. Not even my fucking mother.

And the only thing at this very moment that i truly want is for my daddy to be healthy. I finally wanna do the right thing and i cant even see him. I cant take care of him or bring him food. Why ? because my fuckin mother wont let me. Wtf kinda right does she have to tell me ANYTHING about my dad. And even IF he's an ungrateful asshole he's still my dad and i still love him.

As for friends. Well..i could honestly care less any more. Everyone has their problems and i just wanna deal with my own. Not to mention that %98 of you are fake assholes anyway.

Go take more pictures of yourselves not showing your faces and how cool your hair is and post it all over the fuckin internet you worthless sacks of air.

im done with a lot of things for now. I'm gonna start doing things for me. It's time to make a fuckin change. It's time to make a fuckin cut in life.

6 Beep Beep!

i also want chocolate cake. ironic eh ? =\ [Wednesday
October 26th, 2005]
[ mood | sad ]

i wish i was skinny.

6 Beep Beep!

i havent felt a good feeling in a while. I hope this lasts. :) [Sunday
October 23rd, 2005]
[ mood | giddy ]

today was such a good day. Boring but such a good day :)

Well to start off i woke up and rushed to get ready cuz Gianna was almost at my house haha. My mom decided to be a bitch so she didnt drive us to the homecomming game OR the mall. So Gianna and i basically watched TV until like 4. *she came to my house around like 1 btw lol* So i felt kinda bad about that.

Than we went to roslyn and got dropped of at the wifes house and went online for a while. Than Nick came over and we went to 711. Than Alyssa Rachel && Jamie came. But at this point Gianna had to go home :( which made me really sad.

Than we all went to attilios and chilled there for a while...than went into rachels car and shared comming out stories haha *except andria the token hetero girl of course*. Oh and funny childhood stories lmaoooo im not writing all those down tho.

Thannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn we drove to alyssas and Nick && I just lay in the castle. We were the king and Queen of that castle ! *Guess whos the kind guess whos the queen ? ;)* && talked to andria who was on the outside lmao. Now we're back home and we're gonna go eat 555 and watch a scary movie with her dad. Oh yeah...we took banana shots with her dad too. Which was might i add. amazing !!!

PS :: might i include. That i think Gianna is probably one of the cutest girls ever...and i love hugging her in the rain cuz its cold ? yeah. :) I cant wait till she sleeps over my house so we can watch movies, it cookies, and hug underneath my big white comferter :D <33

Yeah. My friends kick ass. You guys suck. Go die :) PEACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE !!! ♥

3 Beep Beep!

</3i hope this isnt the start to a very crappy birthday. again. [Friday
October 21st, 2005]
[ mood | annoyed ]

it seems you'll never understand
these feelings that i have will never go away
they can only be tamed...and caged up.
but the beast within me, it will always stay.

0 Beep Beep!

ima pimp. DFPC. truee 8) [Wednesday
October 19th, 2005]

i pop my collar sometimes.
scotts my dykehag.Collapse )

10 Beep Beep!

new belt...:) [Wednesday
October 19th, 2005]
[ mood | wats complacent ? ]

Caution.My crotch tells the truth.<3

3 Beep Beep!

mmmm more rants of how much i hate the world :) [Sunday
October 16th, 2005]
[ mood | annoyed ]

so i hate almost everyone.
except for like a extremely selective few friends.
everyone else are ridiculous and immature. Go swallow a knife.
im sick of immaturity...honestly, i cant take the constant backstabbing or talking about eachother or caring wat the other person is doing with their life instead of worrying about their own or singling people out to pick on and not realizing it or distancing yourself randomly from friends who used to be close to you or to just put it bluntly, being ASSholes. Seriously. GROW UP !!. And this is quite frankly directed to QUITE A FEW people. And its not only comming from personal experience but that of my REAL friends who obviously always come first <3

oh yeah, and girls, are either obnoxiously confusing or stupid.

you know wat else, im sick of this being single shit.
i dont want to find love, thats so unrealistic to me
cuz wen i did find it...it got taken away from me. And it just got so fucked up.
all i want is a sweet&&prettii girl to take pictures && have cute sleepovers with.

at this point, even that sounds unlrealistic.

My birthdays in like 2 weeks. im still unsure of wats going on.
and i know i sound so pessimistic right now but its probably gonna suck, my birthdays tend to do that. But i really dont want it to suck. I want it to be super fun and just exciting with no drama.

My dad got back from the hospital...so thats a good thing. He's still an asshole to me, but i still love him. Even if he does make me cry at night, i'll always love him and be there like an annoying little dog that just wont let you walk home alone.

My mom on the other hand is a bitch.

..............no really thats it, she's just a bitch lol.

a;sdfkjasf ughhhhh i need something good to just suddenly happen to me. Something amazing that will make all this crappyness go away.

6 Beep Beep!

oh stand by me <3 [Monday
October 10th, 2005]
[ mood | frustrated / depressed / angry ]

i hate you so much sometimes,

but mostly, i hate how much i dont you.

1 Beep Beep!

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