I want to be one those people who stand out like that... Life sucks and then you die
Life sucks and then you die [entries|friends|calendar]

NObody ever catches on, but one day someone will. One day the world will stop spinning in it's quickened pace and I'll stop being dizzy and for once I'll see things clearly.
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[07 Feb 2005|04:44pm]
I got a new live journal....young_wire.....hmmmm......I just started it.

I don't know if I am going to use this one anymore or not mostly because I really hate this name.

If you want to add me to your friends list you don't even have to ask, I really don't care too much. I also found that I like the back ground I was able to do better on that one no offense to Shelia who so kindly did this one for me.....

I'm walking home from school and this random dude in a car flipped me off. I just stood there like " What the hell?" People are stupid.....

When dad was over in Iraq last year he took....(you know those giant spool of rope , how they have the top and bottom part sorta like a spool of thread only bigger.....) one of those thingys and got the people in his unit to sign it. Dad signed it and goes " I miss my girls, Kathy, Michelle, and Stacey Stephan" They had been using it for a table but then they all signed it and dad took it home with him and hung it on the wall of our office, I happened to see young wire writted on it so I thought that it sounded way cool.
0001 Commented. Comment.

[06 Feb 2005|02:02pm]
I need to sit here and cry for a LONG time. I need time to think and get this all straight. I'm scared, for my friends, my boyfriend and the direction my life is ging. I found out something horrible and it scares me and right now I just want to cry or just make it all dissappear or just forget the whole thing. Friends that I thought were my friends.....I just need time to think. Why is this happening? I'm worried. I'm scared. Should I ditch my friend or would that make it worse? Do I really need to worry this much? Why does it hurt me so bad? I love Ben. I love Dad. I love the way my life was about five minutes ago before I found out about all this shit. I just need to cry or panick or maybe I'm paranoid....this is something much deeper than it appears and it is worrying me. She is worrying me. I need outta here. Now, not later. I need away from this. When did this happen? Will she be ok? Will I be ok? I'm panicking, maybe I'm blowing this whole thing outta porportion.....maybe I'm just to scared to see that it isn't that big a deal.....or maybe I'm right....I dunno.

heehee....I like stewy better. [06 Feb 2005|10:30am]

Which Family Guy character are you?

[05 Feb 2005|09:06am]
You are spoon guy. You should have planned ahead
buddy, or packed a bigger lunch.

which rejected character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
0001 Commented. Comment.

...and dissappointment haunted all my dreams.... [05 Feb 2005|08:39am]
[ mood | hopeful ]



Dad left at like 4:00 yeaterday morning to go to fort Bragg. I really don't remember much about it except that he came in and gave me a hug and told me he loved me and left. I was half asleep and I wasn't fully comprehending. He called earlier this morning and talked to Kathy but by the time he got around to tlaking to me he was called in for formation. I could hear the dude screaming in the back ground.

Kathy is being nice. She said it was really weighing on her heart what's happening, she said that if we can manage to get along until the end of the month (*tears* that's when I leave) then maybe we can show dad that it's ok to leavve us here together. I'm hoping but thing is I'd be going to Gremantown High School, which apparently is this highclass rich people school. He thinks it'd be better for me to go there instead of the one I go to now.

Leigh-Ann and Olen are moving into our place next week. The guest room now becomes their room and my room is to be the babay's room. (Can't remember if I put that or not)

0002 Commented. Comment.

*tears and more tears* [03 Feb 2005|05:13pm]
"I am destined to be the most miserable person on Earth"
-Frankie Munez

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be too. "
Matt. 6:21

I'm gonna lose my dad

other chicks are mad at my bf b/c he likes me
I think they are jelous
so I'm worried about losing him too
and I'm going to Tennessee
and leaving my family friends
home life
everything I have worked so hard for
everything I have given up just to come live here and now I have to think I was gonna have to go back
and it doesn't help
that I probably wont fit in at that stupid school
My parents finely grew up and started getting along
and my siblings finally talk to me
I have everything I want everything I have ever wanted right here and now its going down the drane
I haven't any time to think anymore
I have too many thoughts too much to do and not enough time
I just wanna soak in one last breathe of fresh air before it all comes crumbling down on me

"You're about to embrace on a new travel... Just take advange[I can't spell..............] of it fully and entirely. You get to go to a new school with new faces that know nothing about you! hahahaha.. come on, what's better then that? You don't really realize what you have til it's gone... though, it's not really gone... It's always giong to be here."

My whole life is here in this sucky no account town and as pathetic as it sounds this is where I wanna be.
0003 Commented. Comment.

[02 Feb 2005|07:38pm]
Went to get my military ID today. Missed first. Then we got out of school at like 1:20 so yay! I got home and me and dad went straight to Kathy's parents house -without Kathy- cuz they wanted to see dad one last time. Turns out Kathy told her mom about the fight only she only told her one side of the story. She only told her what I did. I told her the rest of the story and at first she was upset with me but then she's like when you move , if you ever wanna come back, call me. *tears* I HEART OLD PEOPLE!!!!!!!! They are way awesome. I got my dog tags back and then I found out that Kathy said it was laying on her heart and she said she changed her mind about not keeping me, unfortunately for both of our benefits dad is still making me go. He even talked to the people at school about me moving today. It'll be by the end of the month. I hope me and Ben will last. Next year he still wants me to come up and go to prom with him. Yay....awesomeness.
0005 Commented. Comment.

It's official.......*tears* [01 Feb 2005|06:18pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

benkeithh : hey
onthebrink15 : hey
benkeithh: whenever u get on say hey to me cuz i might not be around....i might be on my bed but ill keep the monitor on for ya
benkeithh : ive been waiting for u to get on
benkeithh :
onthebrink15 : Sorry
benkeithh : its ok
onthebrink15 : I gotta tell ya something
benkeithh : its worth the wait
benkeithh : whats that
onthebrink15 : I had to go to the eye doctor and mom showed up there
onthebrink15 : and.....
onthebrink15 : I came outta the doctor's office all
onthebrink15 : wait?
onthebrink15 : what wait?
benkeithh : oh
benkeithh : waiting on u
onthebrink15 : awww
benkeithh : hehehhe
onthebrink15 : mom and dad were in the same room and they weren't fighting and I promise you the first thing I thought was ' wow, I have REAL parents'
onthebrink15 : It's like it just suddenly hit me
onthebrink15 : I have only 2 real parents
onthebrink15 : and evil step parents took no part in concieving me
benkeithh : yeah
benkeithh : i love u michelle
onthebrink15 : I love you too
onthebrink15 : Oh thats another thing
onthebrink15 : I realized that I'm the one doing everything wrong in this relationship
onthebrink15 : because you try hard as hell and tell me constantly that you love me and instead of thanking you for it I usually just see the bad things and make them bigger than they really are
benkeithh : not really
onthebrink15 : yes really
onthebrink15 : and now......
onthebrink15 : da da da da......
benkeithh : hehehe
onthebrink15 : I must tell you something else
benkeithh : k
onthebrink15 : I know you are completely ok with me leaving and I know that it isn't that big of a deal to you but.....
benkeithh : it is a bad think
onthebrink15 : I'm moving to Tennessee in a few weeks
benkeithh : thing
benkeithh : and i dont wont u to move
benkeithh : AT ALL
onthebrink15 : I have a garentee that I wont be moving b-4 dad is in afganistan
onthebrink15 : (I think)
onthebrink15 : dad promises me stuff but then kathy always overrides it
benkeithh : well write this down
benkeithh : kk
onthebrink15 : k
benkeithh : Ben
benkeithh : opps
onthebrink15 : kj
onthebrink15 : haha
benkeithh : ( Address bleeped or taken out or something)
benkeithh : 28752
benkeithh : marion NC
benkeithh : and dont forget it
onthebrink15 : thought you lived in glen wood
benkeithh : its considered marion
onthebrink15 : I will give you mine tommorrow at school
benkeithh : k'
benkeithh : oh and phone number would be nice
onthebrink15 : Please don't cheat on me
benkeithh : I WONT
onthebrink15 : don't have one yet
benkeithh : i promise
onthebrink15 : came to think of it I haven't even an address ( I was going to give you this address) I'm a ditz
onthebrink15 : sorry
benkeithh : its ok
onthebrink15 : someone better will come along
benkeithh : no they wont
benkeithh : thats what will happen to u
onthebrink15 : so that might not help
benkeithh : i dont care if i do all i wont to know is that i can be with u
onthebrink15 : even if it did I wouldn't do anything like that in the world
onthebrink15 : awwww
onthebrink15 : oh hey
onthebrink15 : and.....
onthebrink15 : I'm up here all summer
onthebrink15 : and on christmas
benkeithh : seriously
benkeithh :
benkeithh : yay!!!
onthebrink15 : and now you can tell kayla and cj and your parents and whoever the hell else you wanna tell
onthebrink15 : If mom lets go of me I could see you like maybe once
benkeithh : ill come over there
benkeithh : ill do anything
benkeithh :
benkeithh : so u dont care who i tell
benkeithh : alot of people have noticed i havent been right
onthebrink15 : no
onthebrink15 : haven't been right
onthebrink15 : ?
onthebrink15 : I cried
benkeithh : i have cried all day
onthebrink15 : when the decision became final
benkeithh : and last night
benkeithh : i guess u cant come over friday can ya?
onthebrink15 : Robin ran out on Mom the second dad called to tell her there was even a possibility I was going there, and I ended up not going there
onthebrink15 : maybe
onthebrink15 : I can ask dad
onthebrink15 : Robin was an ass anyways
benkeithh : i want u to come over
onthebrink15 : and he did not treat mom right
benkeithh : y dont u live with ur mom then
onthebrink15 : just like kathy can't figure out how to treat dad right
onthebrink15 : It's something unexplainable
onthebrink15 : Igave up so much to get myself outta that situation to get myself away from everything that was going on there
onthebrink15 : It hurts to go back
onthebrink15 : Robin was looking up singles websites online
onthebrink15 : and mom found o9ut
onthebrink15 : out*
benkeithh : oh oh
benkeithh : can i tell my mom
benkeithh : cuz i have had to hide that i was crying
onthebrink15 : yep
onthebrink15 : awww
benkeithh : i dont want u to go
onthebrink15 : I dont wanna go
onthebrink15 : Good thing is I get to see dad off this time

I made royal evilness mad because I told dad the truth and I had someone to back me up or more than a few someones. My relatives from Tennessee came over and my aunt said something about her treating me bad (she saw it herself, I said nothing)to her, and dad's friend sarah said something, and dad finally started to see it. She fussed at me for standing in the hall (no lie ) v She goes , "don't stand there, you have a room!"

She got mad and refused to keep me. I'm moving to live with my aunt in Tennessee now. Need contacts or anything, wanna keep in touch, just ask....

0002 Commented. Comment.

again.....I am a dork..... [25 Jan 2005|09:11pm]
Dude...you know when you wake up and you can't move and it's like you are paralyzed. I did that the other day and my blanket was covering my head and my nose was stopped up and I couldn't breathe and I started panicking. I'm like sitting there urging myself to move the blanket. I was almost crying. Life wants to kill me.

I'm a dork [25 Jan 2005|08:51pm]

How Insane Are You?

Created by andy and taken 42838 times on bzoink!

Your problemGenerally Psycotic
Will it be curedOutlook so so

Create a Quizlet | Search Quizlets | Go to bzoink!

I saw on this morning how a preist raped a kid and a bunch of other stuff. The Bible says that in the end there will be great earthquakes and it'll be nation against nation....hm....If even the people in the church are screwing up that badly.....hm.....think about it. Kids taking guns to school, killing each other, it's like we get an early start on screwing up our lives...(I'm a hypocrite though).... I've managed to make my family hate me, go through 4 step-parents (I just found out too that Robin is going to divorce mom)....and 13 step- siblings....two of which I still have....yeah one of my step-dad's had like 7 kids....hm.....I think dad forgot about me.....he was supposed to pick me up 1/2 an hour ago....*tears*.....PENGUINS ARE SO COOL!....I heart penguins.....

I went to see the eye doctor and she goes "you eyes outgrew your contacts and thats why your eyes have been hurting and plus you have the wrong perscription" They gave me some new ones.....

but my eyes still hurt and I had a hard time thinking straight today. I have chronic problems. *tears*

DUDE! They make coffee chewing gum!!!! I don't like coffee unless it's cold but I was really slow today like I fell asleep in first I woke up and we were watching a movie and I'm all like " hhuh?" I was weird today, like I just couldn't do anything.
0001 Commented. Comment.

LIFE HAS DECIDED TO HATE ME *tears* [25 Jan 2005|07:53pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Dad goes to Fort Bragg on the 4th of Feb, then the goes to Affganistan on the 13th. He's home for a little over a week. I'm spending as much time as I can with him. Oddly enough it feels like he's a stranger that somehow I can talk to like nothing is wrong. Why doesn't the Army concider the fact that people have families? I know he got himself into this but he just got back from drill for 2 weeks and all his family gets with him is a frickin' week. BUSH IS AN ASS! I wonder if it ever crosses their important little minds that these people they are sending over there to fight their wars for them are actual humans with actual families, and homes, and lives that with bush's help will never even last long enough for them to see their own daughter's graduate. Hey! I'm glad to be an American, I'm proud of my country and everything. I just hate the feeling like I don't know where my dad'll be, if he'll be there when I graduate, go to collage, get married, and have a life of my own. Or if he'll be there for his wife when she needs him, when her health is slowly declining, or his step- daughter as her own daughter grows up and becomes a woman. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I'm not living at home, and that I will never see my dad alive again. It scares me. I'm going to miss dad so much. *tears*


[20 Jan 2005|06:15pm]
Dude, I'm staying with Leigh-Ann and Olen and they share their appartment with a dude named Jason. Last night Jason went out with a bunch of his frinds. I'm sitting there asleep at like 1 or 2 in the morning and suddenly their phone started ringing, they were asleep and they didn't get it and I didn't want to answer someone else's phone so I let it ring. Their ring is something like Jingle Bells anyway so....then The answer machine got it and theis chick goes " Jason? Are you there? I know your there. I love you man. Damnit I knowyour there" and she was being really loud too. She hung up and called like 5 minutes later and she kept on doing that for like forever. Then she called and decides to go " Jason, I'm sorry for calling so much. I LOVE YOU MAN! I JUST WANNA TALK TO YOU. I'M JUST A LITTLE DRUNK RIGHT NOW!" Then I figured she'd finally stop calling but I guess just because she apologizing.....but she called back and goes " JASON! I LOVE YOU MAN!!! I LOVE YOU! JASON? JASON!!!!!! I SO LOVE YOU MAN! " I got upset and started screaming at the answering machine to shut up then I went back to sleep and she stopped calling.

Oh! Dude and I ate deer meat for the first time in my life. Leigh-An fixed roast and I'm all like " This is good, it's a little dry though." I'm going back for seconds and Leigh-Ann goes, " yeah, this is good deer meat." I'm like "WHAT!" I'm like " Why didn't you tell me that before?" and she goes " 'cause I knew you wouldn't eat it" *tears* My stomach started hurting because I didn't want to image taht poor bambi was now somewhere inside my stomache.

I was running down mom's hill the other day to meet Leigh-Ann and I was running so fast I couldn't stop and all my stuff was in my hands and I ran straight into Grandpa's truck. Now I have a Godzilla sized bruise on my knee.

[20 Jan 2005|05:34pm]
I found out that Dad's leaving date was moved up to Feb. 4, he doesn't even come home from drill until Sunday. I have 13 days with him. *tears* Today is awesomely awesome. Dad called the other day and appearently he had called Mom's house 'cause he was wondering abut me and Kathy told him that I was over there. Turns out mom can never keep her story straight without twisting into weird shapes. I heart her though. She told dad that I threw up and Kathy pushed me into it and then she hit me. It pissed me off at first and I told dad that mom screwed ulp the story completely. Dad still didn't seem to change his opion much, he ended up giving me a 2 hour lecture on how wrong I was and that made me feel bad. I was thinking that I hope things get alot better than they have been. I heart Ben. Shelia wont talk to me or anything. She is being stuck up. I think she hates me.
0001 Commented. Comment.

[17 Jan 2005|10:19pm]

What fictional monster would you be?
Favourite Color
GAH! You're a: Vampire
Who is: Too stupid
And carrying a: Baked Ham
While sing a song by: Wayne Newton
Your Nemesis is: The Mailman
Your Nemesis will: Kill you slowly
This Quiz by Reaper - Taken 7444 Times.
New - How do you get a guy to like you?

0002 Commented. Comment.

[17 Jan 2005|09:31pm]
[ mood | drained ]

So I talked to someone today who told me that my grandparents in Conly Springs are too old too take care of me and plus I was told that they don't want me anyways. The person I talked to said that if me and Kathy couldn't get along and since I really haven't anywhere else to go that they would send me to a foster home. Leigh-Ann also brought to my attention that if there were to be problems with Kathy and Dad I would probably have to go too. Dad is still unaware of any of this. He's still in South Carolina at drill and no body wants to tell him for fear he might do something stupid. Maybe leave drill to come home and that would leave us with no money for bills or get too worried about us that he'd fail his test and lose the rank he's going for. I miss him and I want to talk to him. When I go to Leigh- Ann's I'll get to talk to him. He called the other day and talked to Kathy then he called back wanting to talk to me 'cause I guess it wasn't until later that he realized he had a daughter. He loves me. *tears* He asked about me and Kathy told him that I was at a friend's house. When he comes home on Sunday then we'll have to tell him and then he decides what's going to happen. It'll probably be alright but I think Kathy was just trying to blow this whole thing outta perportion. I'm just going to have to suck up alot of shit from Kathy. Mom said thought that she would fight and go to court before she'd let them put me in a foster home. Robinl actually agreed so I don't know what that means but....

My brother got stood up by his girlfriend. So he's been sorta moody. *Tears* poor thing. His girlfriend is creepy anyway.

Mom is awesomely awesome. Robin and Brandon were screaming and cursing at her and it pissed me off so I told them off about it....then today Robin was being all nice to Mom and he said he was sorry but Mom decided to tell him off....so.....


[16 Jan 2005|03:52pm]
The world has touched me
with it's delluted hand
I crumble
like the ash of a burning cigarette
and I fall
0003 Commented. Comment.

[11 Jan 2005|09:14pm]
I just realized that the chicks at the library know me by first name......
0004 Commented. Comment.

*tears* [11 Jan 2005|09:04pm]
I feel alone.....

okay...proof that I am a loser-don't tell sheila.... [11 Jan 2005|09:01pm]
benkeithh: michelle
onthebrink15: huh?
benkeithh: ill be there for u when ur dad leaves
benkeithh: and ill be there for u for them 2 years
benkeithh: and ill be there for u for alot more then that too
benkeithh: and thats the truth
benkeithh: k
onthebrink15: bad gramar but....hell...I heart you for your inperfections and your awesome personality
onthebrink15: k
onthebrink15: thanx
benkeithh: thanks
benkeithh: and sorry
onthebrink15: it 'ight'
benkeithh: i think i will be able to speak spanish better then eglish
benkeithh: lol
onthebrink15: I have it for third and I always go to fourth really confused
benkeithh: i no
onthebrink15: I get spanish I just get really wrapped up in it
benkeithh: u look all confused coming down the hall
onthebrink15: when?
benkeithh: i walled bye ur class today
benkeithh: oh
benkeithh: whenever u come down the hall to me after 3rd
benkeithh: i walled bye ur class today
onthebrink15: then I go to fourth wanting to speak spanish and I'm trying to translate the spanish words into English....
benkeithh: and ur sitting there working ur bum bum off
onthebrink15: really?
benkeithh: yeah
onthebrink15: My mind isn't meant to work properly....
benkeithh: i had to pee
onthebrink15: lol
benkeithh: mine ant neither
onthebrink15: I had to pee the whole time I was in thrid....I just realized I'm the only one here
onthebrink15: I feel like a loser.

[11 Jan 2005|08:20pm]
benkeithh: ok
onthebrink15: Ben...I'm losing everything and noone even cares
benkeithh: michelle ull never lose me
onthebrink15: I feel like I am
benkeithh: and i hate to see ur depressed
benkeithh: i dont ever wanna lose u
benkeithh: ok
benkeithh: ?/
onthebrink15: I'm losing dad, you ,sheila,
onthebrink15: my family
onthebrink15: everything is falling apart
benkeithh: michelle even if u do lose everyone else ill still be by ur side
benkeithh: i promise
benkeithh: through thick and thin
onthebrink15: *tears* I need to cry

onthebrink15: I don't frickin care
onthebrink15: I just wish that
benkeithh: oh
onthebrink15: things weren't like this
onthebrink15: I wish I didn't feel left in the dark all the time
benkeithh: well dont feel left in the dark

benkeithh: michelle i want ya to know i would do anything for u
onthebrink15: it's sorta like being in another demension or being in another world or something
onthebrink15: where I'm no longer me- someone different (probably someone better)- and there isn't any emotion
onthebrink15: like poeple tell me stuff but they don't really care
onthebrink15: things fly by and stuff just happenes and I'm just...here
benkeithh: michelle

I always have something awesome and even though I know I have it I still always manage to mess it up. *tears*

Dad calle the other day from S.C and he didn't even talk to me and hell I was the one who picked up. Kathy got on after I did and all I heard was 'I got it Michelle, hang up' Maybe I'm too sensative. He's leaving for like 2 years maybe (I'm hoping and praying not but...) forever.

Life hates me. The fact that there's a chance that after Febuary 10 I may never see my father ever again.....that's why I wear my dog tags all the time (speaking of that I took them off at my grandparents house and left them there and I can't get them back 'til Friday) because it sorta represents something that means a lot to me...worn them since eigth grade, the first time dad left... I cried my eyeballs out for like forever. The second time seems like it would be worse because of the fact that last time dad came back he was messed up from everything he saw and everything he went through when he was over there. I'm scared to death that this time things will be a hell of alot worse.
0001 Commented. Comment.

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