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13 January 2009 @ 12:44 pm
when you are truly unhappy,
and you know something that will make it better;
do you go after it no matter what the cost is?
does happiness have limitations?
i am lost.

I am not happy at my college.
It's only my spring semester of my freshman year, and i felt the same way during my fall semester.
i told myself that i would give it one more chance, that i would spend one full year here before i decided to leave.

now, when the going gets bad, are we supposed to stick it out and wait for it to get better?
i've waited.
my previous entries can tell the story of my depression my senior year, and i finally just got control of it. i finally am able to say that i am happy. Christmas break this year was one of the happiest times i have had in years.
now i'm back to college and fighting a war within.
so now here lies my battle.
do i stay here and war with it or go back home to the college in town there?
do i risk being told i told you so?
what's worth it?




all i know is, i refuse to let it take me again.
i will not feed that dog anymore.
it's over.
it's over.
i'll die first.
 
 
07 January 2009 @ 09:23 pm
i am DETERMINED to not use my livejournal just for communities.
it is a new years resolution.
life has been good. I know it's been ages since my last post; so this is a pretty drastic change.
but college life has taken some time to get used to.
 
 
31 July 2008 @ 01:19 pm
i'm about ready to lose it completely
i fucking want to kill myself and have you watch
would you like that?
i want to watch you sob like a fucking baby.
watch me
watch me
i'll do it; you coward.
 
 
Current Mood: angryangry
 
 
29 July 2008 @ 12:34 am
hey so.
here are the things that matter most in my life right now
in this order:
God.
Led Zeppelin.
Heath Ledger as "The Joker."

i'm not even kidding a little bit.
my life is melting away in grease and plastic.
help me remember.








"i wish i knew how to quit you."
 
 
18 June 2008 @ 11:29 pm
i need help.
my mom doesnt believe me.
i need help.
 
 
 
18 May 2008 @ 01:28 am
i am so tired all the time.
it's in my bones.
in my lungs.
in my skin and blood.
i am so fucking tired.


i can't even tell my emotions apart now.
they just blend together.
i'm raw fucking emotion.

and i smoke.


how the fuck did this happen?
 
 
30 April 2008 @ 11:17 pm
so i'm a fool.

more later.
 
 
24 April 2008 @ 09:49 pm
apparently i'm a bitch.
who knew.

i'm so fucking sick of this high school bullshit. only 30 more days til i graduate.
seriously.
get me the fuck out of here.
 
 
16 April 2008 @ 09:17 pm
can anyone else relate to this?
today was a really, really good day. i think because the weather was so nice. it has just been beautiful out. i was truely happy. sometimes i get nervous though; because there is always this feeling that it's not going to last. lately it has been in fragments. like, i'll be happy for about two weeks, then miserable for one, or sometimes two or three.. just back and forth. however i have been happy alot more these past few months than i have been since the break up. i have such amazing friends. i really do.
and caribou coffee is seriously my anti-drug. 
 
 
15 April 2008 @ 10:23 pm
i just realized now my last post has two meanings.
i didn't even think of the abstinence part of it. 
i just thought that if the love is true; it can wait a little while because nothing will stop those two people from being together.

that's basically what i'm holding on to.