I just got done watching an episode of NCIS, where one character's mother is revealed to be suffering from memory loss. She kept forgetting her husband had passed 3 years prior, she would get lost while walking in her own neighborhood, & she'd forget who she was talking to. To see her break down & cry because she was scared that she'd forget who her daughter was, it got to me.
It made me realize what I fear most when I do get older: Losing my memories. I think back to my old entries from schools, & gosh I just want to tie photos to every name. I'm scared I'll forget who Josh C or Chris J is. I worry that as I get much older, more memories will slip. I get nervous when I forget teacher's names, or forget exactly how my school schedule was in high school. It makes me so nervous.
This is going to sound incredibly silly, but you know what I think of when I think about memories? Twilight. I don't care for the romance BS, & the characters are so flawed they annoy me. However, the thought of the flawless, crystal-clear memories was fascinating to me. I wish my memories could be as clear. I don't want to forget the silly things, like how the mornings looked on a school snow day & I could look out the window at the road & just watch the snow fall. Or Josh C walking around dressed as one of those monks & doing that chant & hitting his head with a book, just like in Monty Python. Or French Class with Mr. Mehegan, where he had the TV on as the new Pope was elected & white smoke came from the Vatican. (I'm not religious, but it was a moment in history. He had the TV on in the background during class, as he was trying to monitor it, & it just so happened that in our class, the white smoke started. It ended the lesson so we could watch) Or watching Le Comte de Monte Cristo.with Girard Depardieu, which I still need to finish since it was such a long movie, in French class. (Or the random writings on the board, like Blake writing about a baseball, or do not eat the yellow snow... "Ne mangez pas la neige jaune!") Or Granger & his blue Volkswagon, which my mom saw once. Or Uno at the lunch table with Stacy (I've forgotten her last name at the moment, but short, blonde Stacy) & others. Or shocking Ms. Pace with the shocking slot machine toy Renee had, which I swear is why I failed her class by two points. (A 68!) Or the fact that I remember it was just two points, & how I was angry about that & wished the pass/fail grade was 65+ as passing. I would've never been held back. I don't want to forget these things. As awful as I thought school was, it's nothing compared to the hell my life is now. Heh, the only improvement is that I can get alcohol, & I can legally drink it. I'll never forget Sherry bringing in those little Kahlua Mudslide bottles she swiped from home & brought in. Silly me drank one on the bus on the last day of school, & I drank one at home, & I spent summer vacation hiding the bottles. Oh, & John with the mullet & his crazy bus antics like lighting the paper airplanes on fire, or Tim & Greg hanging tampons from the lights & John lighting up the bus & saying it was Christmas lights. He was crazy, but he was cool, & when it came time to be serious, he was. Someone had to blow it though & drink a shitload of vodka from a plastic water bottle & have to get rushed to the hospital. (I can remember his face, but I can't remember his name, the boy who did it! Oh! Adam Dube!) I was so sad to see him go. We had Sam as a driver for a while.... Then we got the psycho ex-military bitch with her insane rules. Ha, I remember seeing Sam driving busses one day the summer after I graduated, when I was standing on the median during my week-long stint with Weaver Bros. Construction. He gave me a wave. That was the last time I ever saw him though.
I cherish these memories. I just want to ramble about them. I'm trying to recall those Valentine's Day things... Data Matches! I wish I still had mine, so I could see who in the world got paired with me. The random singing from Chorus students who volunteered to serenade other students for a minor fee. Sean, Josh, Brandon... I miss all of these people. Josh though... Wow. He's changed since he graduated. Like most of us, he put on a lot of weight as well. I still feel bad that I annoyed him to death. I used to be so awful about that. I'd make such a nuisance of myself. I wish I could apologize, but I think my messed up little brain is probably the only thing that remembers that. I'm sure he'd remember he doesn't like me, but I think he'd find it weird that I would still feel embarrassed after all these years. My brain sucks like that though. I'm still embarrassed about the trivia game in Mr. Umeda's history class in 8th grade, where I yelled "No!" when I thought my group gave the wrong answer, & it turns out I was the one that was wrong. (And of course, Mike Carlson was in the group. He was my first-ever crush)
When I'm not working, I want these memories to flow. I want to write them as I go. Being a grown-up sucks, though it's a little ufnny when I can talk to Mr. Blakeslee on Facebook about beers. I still laugh so much when I see the comment he left asking about the Sam Adams Utopias I got in 2012, asking if it was worth the high price tag, Who would've thought that my music teacher would be asking me about a beer so many years later? Mr. Bernard is on my friendslist as well. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he was my age when I was in high school, or roughly thereabouts. (I think I figured it as 27 years old, which is such a mindfuck) Mr. Blakeslee though, I do feel bad that I didn't do so good in his Music Appreciation class. I'm still proud of Crystal & I coming up with that story about the hero being slain by the villain to that piece, which ended up being about Mars & was about evil defeating good. My brain came up with a story just by orchestra music! Sadly, when I was paired with Tyler W, we did shitty, & it was embarrassing. I remember Mr. Blakeslee giving me a shot about being behind on homework or something when we were outside of class one day, in that little corridor past Mrs. Williams' classroom that had the glass tile corner that went to the auditorium. He was right, & I had no excuses. I have a bigger appreciation for more types of music now, & I feel bad & I wish I could make it right. I wonder what he thinks if I DO post the random odd things I've listened to, like Clair de Lune or Chopin?
Anyway, I should go. I'm still at work. The memories... They're threatening to choke me up, because I miss those days. Each day that passes, is another day that that period of my life slips further & further away. It all ties back to the memories. It was over a decade ago now that I graduated. I cried last June, as it was 10 years since I graduated. it's so far away now, & it's going further & further back. I don't want to let it go. It's probably not normal to feel this way, but I miss those memories. I want to walk around in PA again SO BAD, but I don't know how I can do that. I don't think they'd let alumni just wander around after school just to look around again & see what's new, which I heard was more cameras, & I know they installed a copper Spartan statue out by the bus circle where we'd always get dropped off. I sneak peeks at the PA Facebook page just to see old stuff. I see the blank wooden setting for commemorative placards has filled in substantially, & the main entrance by where we'd come in from the busses is a LOT more filled in.
Ah! Memories! Time for me to go. I'm watching Deadliest Catch. Gosh, this was on when I was in high school, too. Can't believe it!