Log in

No account? Create an account
Irrylath's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | My Deviantart ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Easier To Run. R.I.P. Chester Barrington [20 Jul 2017|06:34pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Another piece of nostalgia, of my life, has been removed unexpectedly from the world today.

Chester Bennington, the singer from Linkin Park, has passed away.

If I read back on my oldest journal entries, I know I'd find numerous entries tagged with Linkin Park songs. Hybrid Theory was their debut album, which was loved by many including myself. Reanimation was a fun twist to those songs, though it seems to be forgotten by many. Meteora was the last album I listened to from them, & I loved it as well. Those two (or three) albums played prominently throughout my time in school & as a teenager.

I have many memories of friends, listening to Linkin Park. I have many memories of summers spent on the old Compaq computer, role playing away & hoarding the computer to myself for hours & hours. (When creative Away messages on AIM was a big deal, so sometimes I'd even put song lyrics) Yes, I think fondly of summer vacations with Linkin Park as its soundtrack, along with my other big favorites of Korn & Static-X.

Losing Wayne Static was big, & probably the biggest regret of a band I never saw live, something I was quick to correct last summer when the opportunity presented itself to see Korn & Rob Zombie. Linkin Park? The thought had crossed my mind to see them, but I never gave it much thought. The setlists barely contained the songs I knew & loved, & I figured "Maybe someday." Well, that someday will never come. It's a bummer, & it's motivation to make sure to see who I can, before it's too late. (Something my brother learned after he became interested in Motorhead after Lemmy died. Something I understand after missing Type O Negative & Peter Steele, & Dio.)

In other news, OJ Simpson was granted parole & will be released from prison. Today's Facebook & Twitter posts have all been either about Chester, or OJ Simpson. It's not the 90's, but he's still a hot topic. ABC News right now is talking about him.

What a day.

R.I.P. Chester. Despite the heartless remarks of some that I've seen, there are many, many more who will miss you. Your music was an important soundtrack to a part of my life. I won't ever forget that. May your soul be at peace.

post comment

Day off; Bike Week; Adam West; DBZ [10 Jun 2017|04:26pm]
[ mood | nerdy ]

Well, I figure I should just give an update just as a refresher as to what's been going on lately. Today makes the start of weekend number two off, though I'm irked I slept away most of the day. I've been feeling under the weather from what I thought initially was a cold, but is seeming more like allergies. The night before last, I slept less than 3 hours before a 12 hour shift at work, so I was feeling pretty ragged yesterday. I caught up for sure last night, & I took Benadryl to make sure I fell asleep. (I had bought it before for work, but it nearly knocked me out & I felt out of it & had trouble staying awake, so it's been sitting in a drawer at home since then) My eyes were really puffy last night & really watery, & I was constantly on the verge of sneezing, so my eyes kept screwing up & making things worse. It was so bad, I could barely drive last night. When I got out of work Thursday night & last night, my car was COVERED in pollen, so I did the math in my head & figured it's allergies & not a cold. I've never had allergies before, so this is all new to me. I had to ask online what a good allergy medicine was, & a couple friends recommended Claritin, so we'll give that a shot.

As the title says, today is the start of Bike Week, so it's motorcycles galore around here. I know up at mom's, it'll be even moreso, since they're closer to Laconia than I am. Hmm, I'm not entirely sure why I bothered to mention Bike Week actually, since this is about as much commentary as I usually give on it. That, & it kills business at work. Happy summer!

The search for a new car is not going well. I've been looking since February or March now, & I'm still no closer to a car than I was then. I've seen a few ideal cars pop up for sale, but they've all been too far away from me. I saw a nice one appear online for sale in Woburn that was perfect. Gorgeous color/exterior, had all the features I wanted (and then some) & wasn't priced too bad. Unfortunately, that's still too far away from me, so I had to watch it disappear as it sold. Boo.

I haven't read too much into it, but I saw this morning on Facebook that Adam West had passed away. So sad. THE original Batman on TV. I just looked at the trending topic on Facebook, & it seems he had a brief struggle with leukemia. 2017 has not been kind to many people this year as far as health goes. I'm still upset about Bill Paxton's death, & part of my brain still refuses to believe it. (Celebrity deaths almost never bring me to tears, but I bawled my eyes out when I saw the news about Bill Paxton. Twister was a BIG part of my childhood, & I still watch it as often as I can, so it really hurt)

Last weekend was the NHRA races in Epping. That was a lot of fun. The day before the races, I got a phone call that told me I had won the NECN contest for the 8 pack of tickets, which were overnighted to me, so I can't tell you how amazing that was. Two years ago, in 2015, I won a full weekend ticket from a giveaway that E3 Sparkplugs did, so two out of three years attending for free? Yeah, I'm pretty stoked! Mike got me set up with NAPA Hospitality/VIP as well through his work, so two out of the three days, I got to eat in the hospitality tents & sit down & have all the water & soda I wanted. Friday's meal was baked spaghetti & meatballs, with salad & little cups of tiramisu (tiramisu!!!!!) for dessert. It sure beat the John Force h ospitality meal last year. Saturday, the choices were either rib-eye or maple-glazed salmon, which was also served with salad, corn, fruit, a bread roll, & little dessert cupcakes. I definitely enjoyed my meal. Tony Schumacher made an appearance on the Army side of the tent, & not long after Ron Capps was on ours to congratulate a new team member. Don Schumacher also gave out championship rings to the team as well, so it was a pretty neat experience. We did not get VIP for Sunday, as we knew we'd have no time to even go there. We spent round 1 of eliminations in the stands, & the rest of the day, Mike & I were by the fence near the Tree. It was pretty neat, & I could not believe we nabbed fence space that easily. Friday after the races, we went to Applebee's to eat. Saturday's post-race meal was at Telly's. Sunday, as per Nick's request, we hit up The Tuckaway, where we lucked out & got Nate as our server. I was introduced to a new tequila by accident there, Avion. It was not bad at all. I think he said it was supposed to be higher shelf than Patron, but I'm wasn't so sure about that. I just checked, & at least price-wise, it's very similar to Patron with just a $2 difference. (I'm writing this to make a mental note to compare the bottles next time I'm at the liquor store to really be sure. Patron has always been my go-to, especially since they're a major sponsor with the NHRA)

Not much else for me to write about really. I badly want to go play WoW & watch Dragon Ball Z for a bit. I've REALLY been on a big Dragon Ball Z kick all over again. With the new episodes of Super releasing every Saturday on Crunchyroll, it's even more exciting. I feel almost like I did in school all over again. In fact, I should backtrack & get on the ball with getting the Namek episodes of DBZ on DVD very soon, & even earlier back to Raditz/Vegeta/Nappa. I haven't seen those episodes since Hawaii. I had to buy the DVDs to finally see the Majin Buu saga, which I missed in high school. (Something I still kick myself for) God, I loved it. I noticed some perks to getting it on DVD as opposed to TV though, like Babidy & Gotenks giving the middle finger. I laughed so hard when Babidi gave Goku the middle finger, since I hadn't seen that before. I will say though, I do miss the old Toonami. I watched an old video with all sorts of old Toonami DBZ promos, including the DBZ20XL marathon one I remember so well. (When I was a kid, I said I was going to make that my license plate when I finally got a car. Needless to say, that didn't happen, but it was a nice memory)

Anyway, I wanna go! I wanna watch DBZ & get cranking on World of Warcraft!

post comment

A let-down. [28 May 2017|04:20pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

It's times like this where I remember why I don't bother trying to even talk to people a lot of the time. Not only am I good at saying the wrong things at the wrong times & feeling incredibly stupid afterwards, but I'm also good at letting everyone down.

I have a couple things planned next month, but I think after those come & go, I really should just keep to myself from now on. It's hard to be an asshole if I'm not around to be an asshole in the first place.
post comment

Oh the nostalgia! (Warning: Nerd ramble!) [02 May 2017|10:50pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

Okay, this entry delves into the nerdy realm, & involves a lot of rambling about a show I'm watching, so readers beware!

Recently, over the last few months, I've started to purchase Dragon Ball Z on DVD, so I can finally watch it whenever I'd like at home. (And not cause further wear on my VHS tapes. I also discovered a perk to watching the non-broadcast DVD episodes as well. I'll get to that later) I have the Trunks/Android saga all the way up to the end of the series, & I have to go back & get the Namek episodes since I haven't seen those since I lived in Hawaii.

Over the last week or so, I finally decided to watch the Majin Buu saga, since I missed that in high school. I had started to watch it, I think back in my freshman year, but I got so overwhelmed with school stuff, I fell behind. I didn't even set VHS recordings & record it, which I regret. I remember the World Martial Arts Tournament a bit, as well as some enemy taking energy from Gohan, & some sort of spaceship with Babidi & Dabura. The last thing I had seen was Vegeta letting himself get taken by Babidi, getting the Majin brand on his forehead, & then blasting the arena after Babidi transported them back. After that.... Nothing.

I've been enjoying Dragon Ball Super, even though it's quite a bit different than Dragon Ball Z, but there was a lot of backstory that I was oblivious to that referred back to the Majin Buu saga. According to the timeline for Super, it takes place not long after the Buu saga, & it really hindered my understanding of things. I just watched the latest episode that aired on Saturday night for example, & Piccolo was training Gohan, & referring to weaknesses & poor strategy that he had versus Buu. Now that I'm in the process of watching that, I understand it, but I would've been entirely unaware.

Of course, just like back in Hawaii, I'm eating up these episodes I hadn't seen before, & I cannot stop watching. That's all I want to do is sit down & keep watching, though there will come that point in time where it'll be done & it'll be just like when I finish reading a book. There will be a show hole, & I'll have seen it, & there will be nothing that's new to me in the world of Dragon Ball Z. I'm so into it all over again, & it's the US dub, so the voices & music are like what I know. (Plus new stuff for Majin Buu, of course) I can't help but laugh at some things I've seen in these DVD episodes that I don't think would've made it to air, & a couple things I know for a fact would've been edited out. Master Roshi farting to get a dinosaur to vomit up a dragon ball? Yeah, I doubt I would've seen that, which is why all the farting & pooping jokes I saw in Super seemed new to me. I thought it was! Then when I saw Babidi give Goku the middle finger? I lost it. Apparently there's many middle fingers I didn't know about, since Toonami/Cartoon Network would've edited those out for sure. (I saw Gotenks give Buu one, too. I saw a screenshot somewhere of Vegeta giving the finger from back in the Namek saga as well)

I guess the whole point of this entry is this overwhelming sense of familiarity & excitement for something I loved when I was just 11, 12, 13 years old back in Hawaii. New Dragon Ball Z episodes for me to watch, more for me to learn, etc. I just want all the Dragon Ball Z things now! I will be sad when I finish the Buu saga & it seems to come to an end. I haven't seen GT, & even though it's not considered canon, I read ahead to the episodes to see what occurred via Wikipedia & I nearly cried at the final episode description, with Shenron taking Goku away & a many-many-years ahead scene when Pan is a grandmother. Dragon Ball Z was so huge to me & many other kids growing up, thanks to Toonami, that to even read about it all coming to an end & everyone having passed away & everything changing, it's heartbreaking.

Anyway, I should wrap this up. I'm still sitting at work, & Eric will be here any time now. I've gotta head home & shower, & then come back to work tomorrow. Thursday night, the 4th, Cinemagic is showing Tremors, & I am stoked! I am a little worried I didn't brush up on my trivia knowledge though, & I'm super sad I didn't get a Walter Chang's Market t-shirt. (I had it bookmarked on my XPS laptop, but I lost the bookmark when that laptop died & I never found the link again) Friday is Dave's Judas Priest band playing down the street from me. Karen will be able to attend, & we both are looking forward to getting shitfaced. Saturday is a recovery day, which means I'll sleep in late, get a coffee, & then binge-watch Dragon Ball Z some more & squeeze in some WoW. I really look forward to some time away from work.

Hmm, another airplane way in the sky right now. I heard one about 20-30 minutes ago after hearing some odd noises outside & getting a weird feeling. Now I hear another one, way up in the sky. How weird. I don't often hear them.

Ah! Here's Eric now! Time to go!

post comment

Memories, & time. [04 Apr 2017|09:20pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

I just got done watching an episode of NCIS, where one character's mother is revealed to be suffering from memory loss. She kept forgetting her husband had passed 3 years prior, she would get lost while walking in her own neighborhood, & she'd forget who she was talking to. To see her break down & cry because she was scared that she'd forget who her daughter was, it got to me.

It made me realize what I fear most when I do get older: Losing my memories. I think back to my old entries from schools, & gosh I just want to tie photos to every name. I'm scared I'll forget who Josh C or Chris J is. I worry that as I get much older, more memories will slip. I get nervous when I forget teacher's names, or forget exactly how my school schedule was in high school. It makes me so nervous.

This is going to sound incredibly silly, but you know what I think of when I think about memories? Twilight. I don't care for the romance BS, & the characters are so flawed they annoy me. However, the thought of the flawless, crystal-clear memories was fascinating to me. I wish my memories could be as clear. I don't want to forget the silly things, like how the mornings looked on a school snow day & I could look out the window at the road & just watch the snow fall. Or Josh C walking around dressed as one of those monks & doing that chant & hitting his head with a book, just like in Monty Python. Or French Class with Mr. Mehegan, where he had the TV on as the new Pope was elected & white smoke came from the Vatican. (I'm not religious, but it was a moment in history. He had the TV on in the background during class, as he was trying to monitor it, & it just so happened that in our class, the white smoke started. It ended the lesson so we could watch) Or watching Le Comte de Monte Cristo.with Girard Depardieu, which I still need to finish since it was such a long movie, in French class. (Or the random writings on the board, like Blake writing about a baseball, or do not eat the yellow snow... "Ne mangez pas la neige jaune!") Or Granger & his blue Volkswagon, which my mom saw once. Or Uno at the lunch table with Stacy (I've forgotten her last name at the moment, but short, blonde Stacy) & others. Or shocking Ms. Pace with the shocking slot machine toy Renee had, which I swear is why I failed her class by two points. (A 68!) Or the fact that I remember it was just two points, & how I was angry about that & wished the pass/fail grade was 65+ as passing. I would've never been held back. I don't want to forget these things. As awful as I thought school was, it's nothing compared to the hell my life is now. Heh, the only improvement is that I can get alcohol, & I can legally drink it. I'll never forget Sherry bringing in those little Kahlua Mudslide bottles she swiped from home & brought in. Silly me drank one on the bus on the last day of school, & I drank one at home, & I spent summer vacation hiding the bottles. Oh, & John with the mullet & his crazy bus antics like lighting the paper airplanes on fire, or Tim & Greg hanging tampons from the lights & John lighting up the bus & saying it was Christmas lights. He was crazy, but he was cool, & when it came time to be serious, he was. Someone had to blow it though & drink a shitload of vodka from a plastic water bottle & have to get rushed to the hospital. (I can remember his face, but I can't remember his name, the boy who did it! Oh! Adam Dube!) I was so sad to see him go. We had Sam as a driver for a while.... Then we got the psycho ex-military bitch with her insane rules. Ha, I remember seeing Sam driving busses one day the summer after I graduated, when I was standing on the median during my week-long stint with Weaver Bros. Construction. He gave me a wave. That was the last time I ever saw him though.

I cherish these memories. I just want to ramble about them. I'm trying to recall those Valentine's Day things... Data Matches! I wish I still had mine, so I could see who in the world got paired with me. The random singing from Chorus students who volunteered to serenade other students for a minor fee. Sean, Josh, Brandon... I miss all of these people. Josh though... Wow. He's changed since he graduated. Like most of us, he put on a lot of weight as well. I still feel bad that I annoyed him to death. I used to be so awful about that. I'd make such a nuisance of myself. I wish I could apologize, but I think my messed up little brain is probably the only thing that remembers that. I'm sure he'd remember he doesn't like me, but I think he'd find it weird that I would still feel embarrassed after all these years. My brain sucks like that though. I'm still embarrassed about the trivia game in Mr. Umeda's history class in 8th grade, where I yelled "No!" when I thought my group gave the wrong answer, & it turns out I was the one that was wrong. (And of course, Mike Carlson was in the group. He was my first-ever crush)

When I'm not working, I want these memories to flow. I want to write them as I go. Being a grown-up sucks, though it's a little ufnny when I can talk to Mr. Blakeslee on Facebook about beers. I still laugh so much when I see the comment he left asking about the Sam Adams Utopias I got in 2012, asking if it was worth the high price tag, Who would've thought that my music teacher would be asking me about a beer so many years later? Mr. Bernard is on my friendslist as well. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he was my age when I was in high school, or roughly thereabouts. (I think I figured it as 27 years old, which is such a mindfuck) Mr. Blakeslee though, I do feel bad that I didn't do so good in his Music Appreciation class. I'm still proud of Crystal & I coming up with that story about the hero being slain by the villain to that piece, which ended up being about Mars & was about evil defeating good. My brain came up with a story just by orchestra music! Sadly, when I was paired with Tyler W, we did shitty, & it was embarrassing. I remember Mr. Blakeslee giving me a shot about being behind on homework or something when we were outside of class one day, in that little corridor past Mrs. Williams' classroom that had the glass tile corner that went to the auditorium. He was right, & I had no excuses. I have a bigger appreciation for more types of music now, & I feel bad & I wish I could make it right. I wonder what he thinks if I DO post the random odd things I've listened to, like Clair de Lune or Chopin?

Anyway, I should go. I'm still at work. The memories... They're threatening to choke me up, because I miss those days. Each day that passes, is another day that that period of my life slips further & further away. It all ties back to the memories. It was over a decade ago now that I graduated. I cried last June, as it was 10 years since I graduated. it's so far away now, & it's going further & further back. I don't want to let it go. It's probably not normal to feel this way, but I miss those memories. I want to walk around in PA again SO BAD, but I don't know how I can do that. I don't think they'd let alumni just wander around after school just to look around again & see what's new, which I heard was more cameras, & I know they installed a copper Spartan statue out by the bus circle where we'd always get dropped off. I sneak peeks at the PA Facebook page just to see old stuff. I see the blank wooden setting for commemorative placards has filled in substantially, & the main entrance by where we'd come in from the busses is a LOT more filled in.

Ah! Memories! Time for me to go. I'm watching Deadliest Catch. Gosh, this was on when I was in high school, too. Can't believe it!

post comment

Bill Paxton. R.I.P. [28 Feb 2017|03:26pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I would love to update this someday with some good news, but alas. This time, I am not.

I woke up Sunday morning, & I checked my phone for the time & decided to check my notifications on Facebook while I was at it. The first thing I saw that made me forget all about that, was an article that was shared. My buddy Daniel C. shared an article from BBC, & despite the lack of a picture, the text from the headline grabbed my attention immediately: "Aliens actor Bill Paxton dies at 61."

I scrolled more, & I found more articles, & saw Bill's face. I refused to believe it was true, despite the fact I was seeing real news sources sharing it. I still can't believe it's real. Everyone always talks about celebrity deaths, & there's still that crowd that draws ire from such discussion & says "People die every day." I've gotten bummed out about some deaths, particularly Alan Rickman. However, this one.... This one hit me hard.

As most anyone would know, one of his biggest roles was from the movie Twister. I remember watching that when my parents rented it on VHS, & I was HOOKED. I couldn't stop watching it! I got a copy from my mom, & watched it so much I wore out the tape. I could recite the movie word for word. It was my first introduction to Bill Paxton, & consequently, he became my first-ever favorite actor at an early age for me. Later on, I saw him in other movies. He stood out to me in Titanic as the researcher Brock Lovett. I'd see him here & there, & last year I was reminded that he played in Aliens 2, something I hadn't seen since I was a kid. (Back when I was in Hawaii of course. The scene that was most memorable was the sewer scene with Newt. I forgot nearly all of the rest of the movie, but I remembered that xenomorph creeping up in the darkness. It was freaky) I was pleasantly surprised to see him & felt silly that I had forgotten, & I enjoyed the movie that much more.

A few weeks ago, I saw a commercial for a new TV show. I've noticed that some shows are now taking inspiration and/or references from movies, like Lethal Weapon & Training Day. This particular show was Training Day, & Bill Paxton was one of the two main characters. I was pretty stoked, & I had figured on sitting down to watch it. Of course, work got in the way, especially with the snowstorms, & it got relinquished to a To-Do list on OnDemand when I finally had a more normal work schedule. Well, the very first day of my normal work schedule, & Bill passed away. I made a point to watch at least episode 1 that night, & I have to say, I was right to be excited. The only reason why I wanted to watch it was because Bill was in it. I had recently wondered what he had been up to lately, as he hasn't really been on the big movie screen in some time, which I had been wishing that he was.

Sunday afternoon, I spotted more posts about Bill, but the ones that grabbed my attention yet again were from the storm chasing community. Several pages & people I follow shared tributes, but the one that got me most was seeing screenshots of storm chasers' GPS markers spelling out the initials "BP" in Oklahoma, & apparently Wakita was right in the middle. My friend Rick just shared an article on Facebook & tagged me in it, talking about the storm chasers' tribute to Bill. There was Bill's face again, & I was just hit with another wave of sadness.

Two days later, & I'm still reeling. He was still too young. I didn't even realize he had hit the 6o year old mark. He still seemed so much younger to me, & even then, 61 is not old. (Especially after seeing him in Training Day. He was looking great for 61 & put on a great performance! I never would have guessed he was that age!) I watched Twister on Sunday as well, & it was just so different. Watching Bill in the movie, & knowing he was gone. Helen Hunt shared something about Bill, with a screenshot from the movie. The official page for Twister did as well, with the same image of Bill & Helen. It's just so sad.

I'm at work, so I can't say much more. I'm just really upset about this. Watching anything with him won't be the same now. :(

R.I.P. Bill Paxton, 1955-2017.

post comment

Can't stop looking back. [06 Feb 2017|01:42am]
[ mood | sad ]

I've been wondering why the nostalgia lately has been hitting me so hard, to the point where it almost hurts how bad i miss my high school days. I think I figured out why I long for the past so much: I don't have anything in the future to look forward to, so all I can do is look to the past, where I had better things going for me. (Even though I didn't think so at the time. Sixteen year old me didn't have a damn clue.)
I really have no direction in life. I graduated high school not knowing where I'd go or what i would do. Over a decade later, I still haven't figured that out, & I'm tired of going through the daily motions & the same dull routine. I keep looking back because things simply were better. I wasn't such an outcast, I wasn't as depressed, & I stood a better chance of getting my shit together at a younger age. There is no excitement anymore. There is nothing in the future to look forward to or plan for. All I can do is think back instead, & I've allowed myself to do it so much that it almost hurts to think about how I miss everyone, how I want to redo it, & how simple shit was.
I'm not quite sure how to snap myself out of this. I still don't know how to move forward. I can't keep living in the past. I'm looking at old pictures I took from PA, & looking at modern pictures & thinking about how I used to sit in the same cafeteria, in the same corner.... How I used to sit & play Uno with everyone, or get into food fights, or try to finagle money for the vending machines. I want to cry every time I do this, because I want it back so bad. I don't want to do what I'm doing anymore. I hate my existence right now. It's so mundane, & it has no future. All anyone can suggest to me is going to school. I never knew what to do when I graduated, & I still don't know what to do. Working my entire working "career" in retail has made it worse, as I really don't want to deal with the public at all anymore. Pair that with my extreme germophobia, to the point where I'm convinced I have OCD, & other stupid quirks I have, & I just don't think I have what it takes to make it. It's why I wish I was in high school all over again. If you were a socially awkward teenager with anxiety issues or other quirks, at least it didn't spell disaster for your life.

I miss the past. I miss it so much, it hurts. I miss my friends. I wasn't such an outcast then. I actually had friends. I'm a loner now. My post-school group of friends abandoned me because of something I did, & I guess karma didn't do enough justice to seek forgiveness... Which after recent thought, I'm not so sure I'm the one who should be seeking forgiveness. (Yet despite what everyone preaches, I would be the one making shit up. I can't possibly bring it up now anyway though. I don't think about it much. I still talk to the person responsible, as I've allowed myself to not realize what was truly happening, & then it gets all weird if I wonder what to seriously do. If only I had friends to discuss it with!)

I hate my life so much right now. I'm not even 30, & I already consider myself to be at a dead end. I just want to give up already, but you can't do anything if you cower in a corner & mope. (Which is all I ever want to do, & it makes my every day bullshit even more miserable & intolerable. It's literal hell to even walk out the door sometimes, & it feels like torture having to fake politeness & smiles. Every time I fake smile for customers at work, I feel like I"m dying more inside, & by the time I'm 8-9 hours into my shift, all I want to do is curl up & cry. I really am not cut out for this shit, I swear)

Meanwhile, I'll go back to listening to Lifehouse. Megan showed me this my freshman year, & somewhere I still have the disc she gave me. The same disc I"ve had since the end of 2001. Just the thought makes me want to cry. I wish I still had that Dragon Ball Z shirt she gave me for gym, as well as the PJ pants. I want that DBZ shirt again so bad. Lost it in the stupid fire. Another treasured part of my past, gone forever. Fuck.
post comment

Final post for 2016. [31 Dec 2016|11:22pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I can't believe it. The year is over & a new one begins in less than an hour. (It's 11:05 as I begin to write this)

Was 2016 a good year? Not really.

Some good things did happen though! In February, I saw Obituary for the first time in years. Better yet, they opened for Cannibal Corpse. I don't think I could've asked for a better line-up! (Sure beats them opening for Kreator next year. I've gotta find out when that date is!) April rolled along, & I went back to NYC with Carrie. I went to Duff's for the Peter Steele Tribute Night, & I actually met half of Type O Negative! I met Johnny & I met Kenny. I was drunk though, so I probably made an ass of myself. I hope I didn't! I also got to try some awesome foods, & revisit one that I loved last year. I went to the Plaza Hotel & had a few expensive as fuck cocktails, a free disgusting one that someone turned his nose at because "it took too long, & in the same night, I went to a sold-out punk show & saw a fight that resulted in blood on the sidewalk. It was rad.

June was the NHRA race in Epping. Money was a bit tight, but my buddy Mohawk Mike managed to come through! His buddy scored VIP tickets & passes, so they hooked us up. It only got us in for one day, but I'll take it! The VIP pass was neat. We got to go into the hospitality area for Brittany Force & the Monster sponsership. (Mike must've been happy. He's addicted to that shit!) We even got our own private meet & greet with John Force Racing! It was neat.

August had a couple of highlights. I saw Black Sabbath for the first, & sadly the only, time. I got to see THE Black Sabbath, one of the ones who started it all. I don't think I need to explain why & how that's important.

Fast forward a week, & it was Korn & Rob Zombie. That show was killer, & I still get pumped about it.

So overall, it's been an okay year. That stuff offsets the bad, which there was a lot of. Many more celebrity deaths, & the realization that these celebrities that we adore so much are from a generation that is starting to slowly slip away. Lemmy started it, even though that was the end of 2015. Elie Wiesel, the author of Night, he passed away. Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia) & her mother Debbie Reynolds (Aggie Cromwell in Halloweentown), they just both passed away this week. Carrie passed on Tuesday, the 27th, & her mother on Wednesday, the 28th. So sad. The guy who played Father Flannigan on MASH just died today, exactly one year after Trapper John's actor. We lost George Michael, who I will forever remember for Careless Whisper. (And the Sexy Sax Man who would walk around malls & play it on his saxophone & get kicked out) David Bowie started out the year. There's so many more, I feel overwhelmed trying to remember. Oh, Peter Burns from Dead or Alive... He died, too. I know I"m forgetting important people. There was just so many. Muhammed Ali also died this year. We also lost Prince. We lost Gene Wilder. We lost Arnold Palmer as well. Even the big name Zsa Zsa Gabor died, with her adopted son passing away just a week later.

What a year. I suppose I don't have much more to say really.

I hope 2017 does prove to be a better year. I also hope I can finally accomplish that dream of losing weight this year. I hate how my body looks. I miss the old me. I laugh now because I thought I had quite a bit of weight in high school. I was underweight then! What I would give to go back to that problem & be that twiggy beanpole again.


-End Trasmission-

post comment

Existential Crisis. [29 Dec 2016|05:29pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

A decade has gone since I graduated, & I feel this sense of dread & regret & embarrassment that I did absolutely nothing over the last decade to improve my circumstances in life. When I got hit with a couple of nasty curveballs a few years ago, I should've tried to make difficult life changes, & I didn't. I'm faced with that reality now, & I feel so overwhelmed that I don't know what to do. I feel like I've failed as a grown-up, that I still don't know what I'm doing, & I kind of feel like I'll be trapped in this nothing-limbo.

I have to make some difficult choices, but I'm not even sure where to begin or where to go. I've never attained any skills in the workforce that would be beneficial. I never figured out college. I remember being pressured about it in high school, but I couldn't figure out a career path that I could take that I wouldn't absolutely loathe. (Like medical) Even now, if I think about it, I don't even know what I would do. I think that ties back to the fact I've done nothing & attained no skills, & it's just a vicious loop in my head. :(

I was hit with a bad episode of this on Tuesday night, when I realized I worked at a shit job that didn't pay me enough to afford a roof over my head & car repairs, nevermind trying to save money or pay off an existing debt. I need a better job. I wasted my life working at shit jobs though. I have no experience. Go to college, but for what? College is no guarantee. I've seen people go to college & further their education, & get nowhere. It really dampened my perspective on things, especially after finding out that some places aren't accredited, & you coud spend money & go to school there & never get hired because there was a problem with your school. I'm also older than most graduates. Why hire someone like me when there's people who are fresher out of high school? Of course, the longer I dilly dally, the worse it gets. If only I could figure something out?

I've tried for data entry. I don't have experience though. How do I get experience if I can't get a job that gives me experience? Learn Microsoft Word, Excel, etc. I don't know Excel. Doesn't anyone use something other than Excel for entry? I liked the simple set-up for the Rewards, where you just type in the information into the fields & hit submit. I could do that for hours each day. I"d actually love doing that. Typing is the only thing I'm decent at. I can't get a job just based on that. No experience, no degree. Gotta go to school & get a degree to prove that you can type, or have a minimum of one year experience in data entry or even office work at the bare minimum. I don't know Excel, either.

I just suck at being an adult .That's all there is to it. My existence would've been fine fresh out of high school. It's not fine as a grown-up. I just suck at life I suppose. I don't know how to make the big steps. I don't even know where I want to take these big steps. I thought about moving out of Eric's mom's place & starting fresh, but I don't know how or where. My parents don't have a room to offer, nor do I want to go back there. I'd be starting exactly where I am elsewhere. No, I'd be worse. I'd be making minimum wage. Ugh.

My brain hurts.

post comment

Like I'm in high school again. [22 Dec 2016|06:44pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

It's funny how things loop back around in time. In 8th grade, & into my freshman year even, I was big into Dragon Ball Z. I LOVED it. I remember running home from the bus stop to watch Dragon Ball Z, even though I had my VCR set to record it, & I couldn't get enough of it. I even got figurines & stuff. Later on in high school, I got into bands like Static-X & Korn.

Now it's 2016, & this year, I've gotten back into Korn with a new album, the first Korn album I've purchased since See You On the Other Side came out in 2006, & I got pulled into Dragon Ball Super & I'm obsessed with DBZ/DBS. When Eric & I were out Christmas shopping yesterday, he bought me a cold drink cup with Shenron on it, & it even had little dragon balls with liquid in them so you could freeze them like ice cubes to keep your drink cold. I even got a Dragon Ball Z winter hat. There was so much more I wanted, but I couldn't bring myself to have Eric spend so much on DBZ stuff for me. (I will have to go back for more of those cups) I even got a Dragon Ball Z mug the last time I was in Hot Topic, too, so I'm pretty excited about that.

I just feel like I'm in high school again. I'm BIG on DBZ right now & can't get enough, I can't stop listening to that Korn album that came out in October... It's looped back around. My reunion was supposed to be last month, my proper 10 year reunion, since I graduated a year late & didn't finish out until 2006. (No big deal though. It was an additional year of memories, even if Ms. Witte contributed to some awful ones)

Oh, & what else is ringing that bell of nostalgia? Monday, December 19th, made the 15 year anniversary since the first Lord of the Rings movie came out in theaters, The Fellowship of the Ring. I can't believe it's been 15 years. I remember when Jacob & his mother picked me up from the house when we had plans to go see a movie. It was my first proper date, & I remember Jacob asking me what I wanted to see. I told him I was interested in seeing the new Lord of the Rings movie. I still remember the look of surprise on his face when I said that, as I think he was expecting me to pick some sort of chick flick. He was like, "... Okay." His mother got a giggle. Turns out he was a fan of the books, so he had wanted to see the movie. I didn't even know they were based off of any kind of book. It just looked good, & some of that fantasy-type stuff has always been of interest, so I was interested.

Anyway, just some quick thoughts about old habits & interests circling around. Now I'm going to go back to listening to Dragon Ball Super music. Pizza is coming, so I'll be watching some episodes while I eat. I love this show.

post comment

Slight improvement. [18 Dec 2016|10:36am]
[ mood | okay ]

I guess a few hours sleep helped out. I don't feel quite so mad like I did last night. I also have a coffee in hand, though I spilled some of it when I went to throw my purse onto my passenger seat & it clipped the cup. I suppose I really should look into getting a proper women's winter jacket, so I can use that stupid thing & not have it constantly fall off my shoulder. (I have a camo coat that was given to me after I lost my Columbia jacket in the fire, & I've never been able to go & get a real winter coat. I've never actually owned a ladies winter jacket, & I'm nearly 30!) Wish I could find one like Nicki (I'm not sure how her name is spelled) has, just a simple black coat with a hood & the fur trim. Faux of course. I've just recently discovered the joy of faux fur, namely with a blanket that I recklessly treated myself to. Bought it on a whim, debated returning it & being smart, & then it got cold & my room got really fucking cold, so it's staying. It's amazing how much that little throw warms me up!

Hmm, I can tell I'm in a better state of mind. I'm back to my rambling self. Is coffee & sleep really the cure? Well, tomorrow I get to snooze in a bit, & I'm definitely getting a coffee again tomorrow. It'll still be a busy day, especially with a bank stop I cannot miss. I got super lucky this year & I got a Christmas bonus again. Not only that, but it was double what it had been the last time. (This is the first job I've ever gotten any kind of bonus, & that's still a very, very new development) That'll get used to cover the Rammstein tickets I got. Merry Christmas to me?

Anyway, it's getting busy at work, so I'm going to wrap this up. I hate getting stopped mid-thought, because then I forget anything else I was thinking about, so this abruptly ends here.

post comment

Positive? Here, does this count? [18 Dec 2016|12:48am]

Okay, here's some positivity so I can seem like I haven't entirely gone off the deep end.

I got Rammstein tickets today.

Bought a second ticket in hopes I can use it to persuade someone to come with/bring me there, so let's see if a free ticket will do the trick for a Rent-A-Friend for the weekend.

I guess I'm looking forward to that.

Six years & 7 days ago, I saw them for the first time at Madison Square Garden. Four years ago, in April of 2012, I saw them in Worcester & got that coveted pit experience, which is good because you'd never get pit tickets without paying out the ass now. December 11, just one week ago, I was thinking about that Madison Square Garden show & was thinking about how I wanted to see them again. The next day, boom. Lone East Coast date. It's a hike to Long Island, but fuck it. Maybe I can go see Peter Steele's grave & cry that he's gone.

So there's your positivity: I got concert tickets.

(Yes, I'll admit, getting that stuff of my chest helped. Would rather talk to a friend about how I feel, but seeing as how I haven't got any, this will do.)

post comment

Why? [18 Dec 2016|12:39am]

Why did I grow up to be so fucking ugly? Why couldn't I have been beautiful like every other female I know? I want to cry when I see some of them because they grew up to be so beautiful, & here I am, overweight & lumpy & with the same god fucking awful face I've always had. I never blossomed. I never was beautiful. I never will be. I just want to go out in public & not keep my head down in shame because I look so awful. I just want to feel good about myself. I want people to actually like me because I look good, because I fucked up in the personality department, & no one gives a shit about personality anyway.

Fuck. I really hate everything about me. There is not one single fucking thing to like about me. Honestly, if I didn't have Eric, I'd seriously just say fuck all this & end it. My life is pathetic. I never did anything, I never looked good, I never was a good person no matter how hard I tried, I never made it in life. I'm destined to live the same cheap shit life & be miserable until the day I fucking die. Hell, I can't even get any fucking privacy because I suck & I live with someone's fucking nutbag of a mother & pay her out the ass in rent.

Oh wait, I can't, because I suck & work a fucking dead-end job that will NEVER go anywhere. I won't ever even fucking see a pay raise. I only stay here because I can't stand the public, & I know I'd lose my job quicker than you can imagine if I tried to go back to regular retail. Fuck, I can't even do my fucking job right because I can't fake being happy for the sake of a fucking sale. I can't play along with their stupid mindless banter. I can't put up with their stupid "jokes." Worst of all, I've lost all my patience with rude customers, & I can't keep my cool anymore. The last guy to piss me off? He thought it was fine to talk over me & yell over me to the manager? Nah, fuck him. I yelled at him back, did the whole finger pointing thing that everyone hates, & taunted him as he left. That would never fly, even if he was harassing me & threatening me. So fuck that. I can't even do retail because I fucking suck. I have no fucking skills in anything because I wasted my life doing nothing & figuring NOTHING out.

Why do I even exist? Seriously, what's the fucking point of me? I can't do shit. I'm not a good person. I'm not even good to look at & get ridiculed even as an adult BY adults. I can't get anywhere in life because I let myself get held down by bullshit. Fuck, even my relationship keeps me stuck in that shithole I have to call my house. (I would never call it "home." As far as I'm concerned, I'm bereft of a home, & have never had one to begin with) I thought about ending the relationship just so I can save me, but I can't do jack shit & would never succeed on my own, so I'm stuck. There's also the fact that I do love Eric, even though he probably can't stand me. (Maybe he feels stuck as well, but with our relationship? A lot of the time, I feel like we're just roommates) He's the only reason why I'm still here, & what is sort of holding the few threads that is my shit self together.

Pfft, listen to me. How in the world has he not dumped my ass? I really am a basket case. Alex M. was right. I am too depressing. He was the smart one & got away from me. At the time, when he dumped me, I didn't understand what he meant. Guess I was very stupid then, too. Ha, yeah, I was. I pushed everyone away with my "charming personality," the one that can't even save my sorry ass. I'll never forget Josh Chinn snapping at me because I made a nuisance of myself. Stupid me, desperate for a friend, & I blew it because I was a dumbass. Whatever though, he was right. I just keep forgetting to take that lesson to heart, & I slip & let some of my stupid self show. Hell, I even cracked a weird joke to Pam at Englishtown about sleeping in the car & dying in a wreck. I know she thinks I'm fucked up, but hey, it's true.

I'm just rambling now. I'm still angry, but I've lost my focus. All I know is, I hate myself. I hate every fucking part of myself. I am a complete waste of space, time, air, & everything else. I just wish I could fade to oblivion. Oh yeah, that's what started it all. My ugly fucking self. I purposely don't have a mirror in my bathroom because I hate myself. Maybe I should do drugs to try to get skinny. What's that shit that makes people thin? Crack? Meth? Fuck, who knows? I'd rather look withered & sullen than fat & dopey.

And thus ends my stupid, whiny rant. I probably sound like a stupid 16 year old. Not much has changed, huh?

post comment

I am: [18 Dec 2016|12:09am]


Fucking pathetic.

God I fucking hate myself.

post comment

Retaliation. [16 Dec 2016|10:29am]

So the big news is supposedly Russia had a hand in our election & caused the results that we got via hacking. Consequently, Obama has said that "we will retaliate" against Russia "at a time and place of our own choosing,"

Am I the only one who gets really nervous about that? Call me crazy, but Russia is not someone I'd want to pick a fight with. I certainly don't want to see any days where Russia is our enemy, & this is one instance where I'm strongly in favor of peace instead of war. I may not have been crazy about Trump, but part of me felt a little relieved when things didn't seem like they'd get hostile with Russia. (Which with the way Hillary was talking, it sounded like she wanted to start some beef with Russia. Suddenly, Russia is looking like a possible enemy again?) Now this all makes me nervous.

I don't really have much more to say on this, other than I'm very nervous. Fuck, this whole year has made me nervous. 2016 was a shit-show, & it looks like it's ending on a shit-show note.

post comment

I thought things were bad then. [03 Dec 2016|10:29pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

I was such a fool in high school. I remember reading through my old journals as I was copying them to save them, & there were lots of angry or upset rants because I was angry at my parents, or angry with the school. I thought shit was difficult then. I thought I had a lot on my plate then.

I was wrong.

I hate my life now more than I did in high school. As a teenager, I looked forward to a job, because there was no homework, no projects, no parents or teachers to get on your ass about anything & everything. With a job, you'd just work, & once you were home, that was it. The stress factor of your day was overwith, & you had nothing more to do related to that. That's what I thought anyway. Sure, I don't have homework, but I get a whole new set of problems.

Maybe I'm just not handling adulthood as well as most others. Maybe it's because the deck was so heavily stacked against me with all that transpired in 2012, with little blows here & there afterwards. My best friend dying, Tyler dying, my parents selling their house & moving, eviction, near-homelessness (if you can count going into debt by paying for a drug-house motel as a "house" anyway), my half-sister dying, Tom Golden dying & the regret that I never saw him after our weekend at Boothbay in 2011... Just all this stuff that kept happening after, & my inability to move on from a lot of this.

That's my problem. I hang on to the past too much. The past was better, I see that now. Consequently, I don't want to let it go. Every day that passes is another day that I'm slipping further away from the past. I was upset to realize that I've forgotten most of the names of my teachers from middle school. I don't want that to go so far back, that I can't remember. It doesn't feel like that long ago when I rode the bus, listening to Static-X on that tiny little Rio Carbon mp3 player. I still remember my friend's faces, & I'm not used to us getting older. (Hell, Natasha from back in 8th grade just turned 30 a couple days ago, & today is Ramey's 30th. My next birthday is my 30th. I'm not ready to face that, because then my teens are even further away. Turning 15 & getting Linkin Park CDs & stuff... It'll already have been 15 years prior. Hell, last year, Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory album turned 15. Fifteen years old! Where the hell has that amount of time gone?! I remember when it was new! It doesn't seem that old!

I feel like things are spiraling out of control. Time, stress, money... I just want everything to stop. It's all too much, & it's all too fast. I haven't even gotten a chance to do much of anything. This is my last year in my 20's, & I'm spending it doing nothing. Before I know it, I'll be too old to do silly stuff. Hell, it's starting to get weird watching Pirates of the Caribbean, which was brand new in high school & all of us teenagers loved. It's so depressing.

I just wanted to rant. I miss the past. I hate the present. I want everything back. I wonder if it's possible to go check out my old high school again? Would it be weird for a 29 year old just to walk around & check out the school? Probably. The school would probably think I'm weird, or say that adults can't do that because of the teenagers around. I just want to see what's changed, & I just want to see my old classrooms & the cafeteria & the library... I'm curious what the computer labs look like now. Have the laptop carts been replaced with tablet carts or something? How does this all work now? I still have my old backpack from school. Just an hour ago, I saw all my old French notes, & I still have the large flaming Static-X logo printed on a sheet of paper in that orange file folder thing. (Back when Wayne was alive.. God, that's happened too.)

post comment

Figures. [03 Dec 2016|10:27am]
[ mood | sad ]

I suppose when I'm older, I'll look back at my 20's & think about how miserable they were. I spent my 20's by myself, & I considered playing World of Warcraft & talking with online friends, "hanging out," like a real dork. When I was younger, I told myself I was going to change to a type of person that wouldn't be constantly rejected, isolated, bullied, & despised. I think I did okay in high school, as no one really knew who I was until my senior year, until the Adderall fiasco had some of the school thinking I sold drugs. (I laugh at that, because I didn't even know what weed smelled like. I really was clueless in school)

Things were looking okay until my early 20's. I noticed I wasn't proving myself useful to anyone anymore. I had turned 21, but I was a Goodie-Goodie & refused to always go & buy beer for underage friends. I did not feel comfortable doing it, & when they expressed their irritation, it made me want to do it even less. Ultimately, these people sacked me when I did something unforgiveable. I cheated on Carl. Yeah, big mistake on my part, & I was cast away as a cheating whore. They even tried to tell Carl that I must've been cheating on him for some time. What they DIDN'T know... Well, I'll save that for later in this entry, but I'm not so sure I was entirely in the wrong anymore. Of course, at the time, I was the big cheating whore & I was a cunt, & I was cast aside. I was really uspet by it for a while, as I was flung from the group I had considered my friends, & suddenly found myself alone.

I thought I was fine. I told myself, "If they cast you aside that easily, they weren't really friends." For a while, it worked. At least, until I realized I spent more & more time drinking. I was miserable, & I didn't know what to do. I'd find myself alone, & just drink because it made me forget how sad & pathetic I was. It worked for a while, but after a while, not even alcohol makes you forget. Eventually, I had to work on cutting back on drinking. I still drink more than I should, but it's not anywhere near as back as it was 4 or 5 years ago.

I tried to make new friends via Eric's circle of friends & acquaintences. It sort of worked, but I still never really felt accepted. I didn't feel like I belonged. I still don't feel like I belong. I've let some of my stupid side slip & said something awkward or told a lame joke, or just got annoying. Resume process of isolating myself because I'm stupid & not able to socialize normally, & it's back to where I was. I still missed my old "friends," & wished I could associate with them again. I even started missing friends from school in the worst way, especially as the 10 year reunion mark came around.

Just this past week, some news appeared that caught me by surprise. In my absense from the metal group I once hung out with, I had no idea what was going on with anyone anymore. (I still don't entirely know what's going on.) Someone I used to talk to & hang out with at shows, she had passed away from what seemed to be a drug-related cause. It shocked me, but I think what got me more was the comments people had left, saying that they had to mentally prepare themselves for this outcome. I had no idea, so to hear of her passing, all I could think about was the old shows I used to go to, & hanging out outside with people blabbing, including her. It made me miss everyone again, & I had a moment of positivity & wanted to try to associate again. I'm tired of being a hermit. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being that fat, awkward, stupid girl that no one talks to. Well, that bubble didn't last long.

I've made a few feeble attempts at trying to talk to people a little more, but it's like it's fallen on deaf ears. No one wants to listen. No one wants to acknowledge me. And here I am, tumbling back into my hermit hell, realizing that I'll never be the type of person that can go socialize. All I have is Eric, so I'm not technically all alone, but he's gone at work all the time & I'm left to my own devices. Ultimately, I do end up feeling alone because it's just me, sitting by myself, wondering what to do or where to go, & being upset that I never have anywhere to go. I'm so much of a loser, I sit in my car in random parking lots when I need to get out of the house, because I don't have friends to socialize with. I'm just that miserable & lame of a person, & I don't know why I even bothered with the positivity. I will forever be the fat, awkward girl that no one wants to talk to. I did stupid stuff. I said stupid things. No one will ever let me grow & learn from these mistakes.

There's more I have to say on this related to one of these "mistakes," but it's EXTREMELY personal, to the point where I don't even feel comfortable discussing it. (But I should) I'm going to post that separately in a more restricted entry. I want to get it off my chest, because I haven't given myself a chance to put it in writing & come to terms with it, but I'm not ready to share it so freely.
post comment

Silence. [23 Nov 2016|11:02am]
[ mood | angry ]

In lieu of recent events, I have chosen to remain silent. I don't care to speak up. I'd explain how stressed & upset everything is making me, but to say so is an act of racism. My decision to stay silent is also a sign of racism. You can't do anything without criticism or accusations. There is no staying neutral, as doing so is a bad move. I won't elaborate more, because I can't. I don't wish to receive any more threats or be harassed any more. I just wish this hostility would cease. I just wish that the phrase "Love Trumps Hate" would finally ring through, & instead of hatred, we respond with love to drown out this hatred that has gripped our country.

Again, wishing such a thing though, it's a bad move on my part. Violence is desired by many. I don't wish for that. I'm an asshole for it, & it upsets me that I'm considered an asshole for it.

In my own personal life, things have not been well. Just as soon as I thought I could finally start getting my shit together for the first time in years, I get more little setbacks that are just big enough to undo any progress I've made. I'm not in the best of moods & not in the best mindset today because I'm so angry & upset about things. Any time there's any positive, there's at least two negatives to cancel it out & set me back. I have been dealing with this since 2012, & I can't win. Who would've thought a house fire & a car accident just two months later would cost me so much, including one of my jobs? That was the biggest setback. I was out of work for too long. I came back, & management had changed, & I got the biggest asshole of them all. He did not care for me, for reasons I never could figure out. The rumors were that it was because I wasn't cute, young & pretty. His "team" were all pretty young cashiers. Hell, he event went against company policy & had one of these cute little girls managing high ticket items on Black Friday when it should've been the IA, which the IA was NOT happy to hear she had been sent away to do menial tasks. To this day he still avoids me, because he knew he fucked me. The worst part is, he doesn't know, & he wouldn't care anyway, how bad he screwed me. Costing me a job, so I lost a place to live, forcing me to pay money I didn't have to live in a crack motel with drug addicts & prostitutes & drunken scumbags who liked to cat-call me or stalk me to the point I had to wait for my boyfriend to walk me to our room. Thank you for fucking me like that Gene. If you hadn't shitcanned me, I could've afforded that security deposit for the apartment we tried for, & I could've had a proper place to call home. You couldn't even work up the fucking courage to TELL ME that I was done, & I found out by finding my employee numbers erased from the system & calling HR to find out what the hell was going on. (Lot of good it did calling them, too.)

Wow, I really am not in a good place today. I'm going to go. I don't feel good, & I need to make some phone calls.

post comment

Election Day. [08 Nov 2016|10:57pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

I won't get into it much, as I wasn't definitive on a candidate of choice anyway, but all I know is that I am afraid of what the results may be of this election. This year's election has been a shit-show, to say the least, & I am very afraid of what may be in the morning. I've been purposely avoiding news coverage because I'm afraid to see what's going on.

I will admit, I did enjoy a cute video that I saw online a little while ago from an animal rescue organization that related to the election. It was one of those live streams of a kitten play room, & in the room were two litter boxes. Behind each one, there was a picture of Trump & Hillary, with a tally flipcard thing to keep score. The caption? "Our kittens are dropping their vote LIVE!" When I tuned in, Trump had one "vote." It was cute, but I missed the end of the live stream, so I'm not sure if anything else happened. It was cute to see!

In 2012, on November 7th to be exact, I had made a post on Facebook talking about how I had put on The Weather Channel to get away from all the political coverage then. I did the same thing today, & The Weather Channel actually had something on called "Escape The Election." The description for the program: "Clouds, rainbows, autumn splendor and smooth jazz evoke transquility." It was pretty nature scenery with piano music playing. I couldn't help but laugh. Kudos to TWC for that. I ended up throwing on Netflix, & in a weird sense of humor, i put on Armageddon Day.

I've got on Dragon Ball Super right now. Been enjoying this, since I can watch it whenever thanks to Crunchyroll. It's a bit exciting. I haven't seen anything new in the Dragon Ball universe in some time. The Majin Buu saga in DBZ came on when I was just starting high school, & GT also came around as well. I fell behind on these though, which I regret immensely. I remember when GT was almost legendary at school, & my friend & I actually tried to find episodes of GT online on shitty dial-up internet to watch.

Anyway, gonna distract myself with this show. I don't want to think about this election stuff too much. I'm not even sure why I came to write here today. I don't have much to say, other than I dread this election stuff. Urgh.

post comment

Serenity of Suffering [22 Oct 2016|12:09pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

So here I am, in 2016, listening to a brand new Korn album that just came out yesterday. I have not bought a Korn CD since 2006, when See You On The Other Side was released. (I remember buying it, too. I was excited that I found it priced at $14.99 for a deluxe edition at the FYE at Steeplegate, & turns out it was mispriced. I lucked out because it should've been over $20, but I got it for the sticker price) After that album, I stopped listening to Korn. It was part of my old life, the old me.

When I saw Korn in August with Rob Zombie, it just brought back all the memories. The entire setlist, except for two songs, were all songs I would've known & listened to when I stopped listening to them. It was the perfect setlist, almost as if I had seem them a decade ago. The two songs in question, Insane & Rotting In Vain, both reminded me of the older Korn I knew & loved, especially Rotting. (When they released A Different World with Corey Taylor, the beginning reminded me so much of "Beat It Upright" off of Untouchables) It was great. I bought an autographed poster, which came with a digital download card for the album, so I'm listening to it right now. I must admit, I'm enjoying what I'm hearing, so I think I'll go buy the actual CD next week... Marking my first Korn CD purchase since I was a teenager.

Ugh, the nostalgia is hitting me so hard. It almost hurts to think about how that point in my life is slipping further & further away from me. I miss so much from it, including how I though school was a struggle. (Ha!) The hours of sitting on Yahoo Pool, Yahoo chatroom Harry Potter role plays (I miss us Chaos Marauders!), Runescape, AIM/MSN & funny away messages, the video rental place at the Epsom circle & walking to it for the new X-Men movie, Static-X & Korn, my old friends, funny memories at school like Seth doing that shadow dancing to "The Trance is the Motion" when we were testing the speakers & projectors for a movie screening that night in the auditorium... I miss it all. I miss Seth, David D, Tyler Wandless (RIP), Stacy, & of course Stacey S, Mike S., Marissa, Lisa, Joe, Ian, AmySue, Justin, Patrice, Tom Golden (RIP), Angie, Rebecca, Brian, Jeremy, Renee, Josh, Brandon, Sean & his brother Scott, Chris J., the funny guys on the bus Greg &.. Oh dear, I forgot his name. I'll have to check the yearbook on that one, but Greg & him would throw snowballs at people, they hung tampons on the lights on the bus, & of course, our bus driver John. I do miss that guy. I do not miss the strict lady who treated us like children with threats of assigned seats & requesting permission to move seats even when the bus was stopped. Her baby also drove me fucking mad. Thank goodness for that mp3 CD player I won at the homecoming raffle & some headphones! I wish I knew where that was! I've been trying to find it, & I can't! Gosh, so many people I miss though. I miss Anime Club! I wish that had actually been something more. If only I could reunite us & make a sort of adults Anime Club. (Not adult anime material. We're just all adults now)

Ugh, nostalgia is getting to me big time. I get so upset when I think about it because it was a better time in my life, even if I didn't have my heavy metal music, & I miss everyone & miss so many things. (Including our old house! I'm still so upset my parents sold it. It eats away at me every time I think about it) It's slipping further & further away from me, & I'm getting older. It's just upsetting. I should go.

post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]