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Britt

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Well shit, it's been a while. RIP Kendra [13 Nov 2017|11:18pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

So much for trying to keep up with this. It's like Gaia. My friends on there must wonder what happened to me yet again. I make a post or two & then disappear. xD

I suppose the latest noteworthy happenings was an online friend passing away a few days ago. I was at work on Saturday, skimming on my phone when the store was empty, & I saw Kendra tagged in a post. I can't recall the exact wording, but it was an old photo of her & two friends, & the friend that had posted it had said something along the lines of "I can't believe your gone." It got my attention, & I tapped her name to be greeted with a swarm of RIP posts & photos of her that people were sharing. It hit me like a ton of bricks, like someone punched me as hard as possible in the gut. I didn't know her personally, as Carrie had introduced me online to her since Kendra was her landlord. (In fact, many of the items in Carrie's apartment that I liked so much were actually Kendra's, a clue to her unique personality) I did enjoy seeing her posts though, as she loved cats & had an adorable cat namemd Stinky. She always took care of the strays, who knew she was there to help & would come to her for food. She had a food truck as well, The Head Hunter, which specialized in different meats. (Which I would've LOVED to try!) I loved seeing photos from the beach when she was at work, & new fun colors she'd put in her hair. She had gone with blue very recently, & I thought it was cool. She just seemed like a cool person from what I could see online, plus from what Carrie had told me.

I know she had been suffering from various health issues, & I had forgotten until this weekend that she had gotten into a very bad car accident a few years back that left her with severe pain. I think someone even said that her spine had been crushed, & it was a wonder she had survived. Well, at the start of last month, she had mentioned her high blood pressure causing trouble. Unfortunately, her insurance had run out, so she was stuck waiting to get back on it to get medication for it. She passed away overnight Friday-into-Saturday from a stroke, at a young age of 47, so I'm thinking she may not have been able to get back on medication. This is particularly heartbreaking, because if it weren't for the lapse in coverage, she'd probably still be here with us.

It makes me sad to think that I won't see her posts anymore. I won't see her sharing what she's doing for decorating, or see her cats or funny cat posts, or neat photos from days working at the food truck. It's like a flame has gone out, one I will never see again. Today is Monday, & her page is still being flooded with posts of remembrance, which has been popping up on my Facebook news feed/timeline/whatever it's called now. She was loved by many, many people all over the world. In fact, there is going to be a gathering in the spring in NYC for her, giving her friends plenty of time to prepare for a trip (particularly those across the country/world) & because spring symbolizes life. What better time to celebrate her memory than when everything is coming back in bloom & the city is coming back to life? I certainly plan on going to New York for this, though I do find it sad that my two planned trips to New York next year are both related to the passing of people.

That's been making me feel really down. It was all I could do to control myself at work when I first found out. Being at work was the worst place to read such news, particularly since I don't get breaks or can't go home early if something happened. Within a few minutes of learning, a customer walked in of course, so I had to try really hard to hide the fact I was crying & try to stop. Another customer came in shortly after & gave me a funny look since I looked like a mess, but I had just explained to him that I had just received bad news, & he was sympathetic & brief with his shopping. Saturday was awful because of this, & of course Eric didn't help. He told me I was overreacting because I had never met her in person, & he told me this when Michael (H) died back in 2013. I may not have met her, but it's still upsetting because from what little I did know of her, she was really cool. I checked back on my Facebook posts to see what I could find for a last comment or like, & the last post she liked was from October 24th. It was one of those unseasonably warm days we had, where it was 70+ with foliage going & even with some rain. I went for a drive & went down that favorite back road I discovered last year when I had to bring Eric to & from work every day for the fall, & I took a few pictures during the tree-tunnel part & uploaded them when I got home. She had hit the Like button on it, as she loved fall. "Kenny Kendra liked this." I'll miss seeing that.

Anyway. She'll be missed. I wish she were still here. It's just like before.... She was just here. Someone even posted a screenshot of a conversation they had right before, where it said Kendra was last active 15 hours before. Fifteen hours. She was still here. (And unfortunately, it was not a good message. It was rather creepy, as Kendra had said something expressing concern that she may have a full-blown stroke.) She was just posting last week. One of her final posts was of her elderly cat Squirrel, who I have met. It's just hard to wrap my head around, just like before with Tamara, with Michael, with Tom, with Tyler...

Other happenings... Um. Last weekend, the 4th & the 5th, I went up to Maine for Dustin & Desiree's annual gathering. There was the added benefit of the clocks going back an hour, though I wasn't awake to take advantage of it like last year. I wish that we had been all able to go to breakfast like last year, but it was just Dustin, Desiree & I, & Dustin was feeling really crappy when we ventured to Ihop. The attendance was smaller this year, too. The last two years, it was always so packed. I'm not sure what happened this year. Jared was one of the very few who dressed up, which he dressed up as William Wallace from Braveheart. I stepped out on the front porch when he arrived, saw his costume, & got air-knucks when I said "Freedom!" He had the face paint going, & he even had a sword. I mean a proper replica sword of Wallace's sword. It was the coolest thing. Later on, after much alcohol had been consumed, him & one or two other people ventured away from the crowd at the first fire towards the side of the hill, & they started flinging the sword in the air in an attempt to get the sword to land upright in the ground just like at the end of the movie. Surprisingly, they managed it in just a few tries, & there were loud cheers all around. They decided to leave it like that, though I have no idea how long that actually managed to stay. (Especially because most of Jared's costume had been left behind & we found bits of it around the next day. His plastic drinking horn in the garage, his sword elsewhere in the garage, his plaid shirt in the house... Desiree was worried he may have left his kilt behind & wondered if he went home naked) So I suppose that was fairly exciting. I got to FINALLY use those Eggies colored fire starters & the flame packets for the fires, so I was briefly treated to fun colors in the flames. I guess other people noticed as well, as Desiree was asked about it a few times. I hope to remember to order a ton more for next year, especially since the egg carton starters got the fire up & going in seconds.

The weekend before that, Sunday the 29th, Kyle FINALLY came down to visit me. We were supposed to go to Six Flags for their Halloween event, since it was the Sunday before Halloween, but a big storm came rolling in that day & cancelled any plans that involved being outside or traveling. We watched some of the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie, which we never finished, & then I brought him to Telly's. I got soup & buffalo tenders, & he got french onion soup & seafood primavera or something like that. (Which of course he ate too much junk food before we left, so he didn't finish. He ate the seafood parts once he started to get full, but didn't bother with leftovers) We went back & we played that Wheel of Fortune game I got when I had the Xbox Gold thing. I kicked his butt of course. The wind started to pick up not long after we got back, & I had to go outside to make sure I didn't leave anything in my car. I ended up having to tell Eric's mother to bring her plastic light-up ghost outside, & she thought her pumpkin had it wedged securely in place. I had to reiterate that they were calling for 60 mph gusts, & her pumpkin wasn't going to do anything. She did bring that in, but didn't bother with anything else, so the next morning her plastic chairs had been blown around, the cushions were resting against my car, spray bottles were all over the driveway.... She doesn't listen. (And this happened yet again on Friday, where I went out to my car to find one of her rotted pallets had fallen against my car's front tire & had left small scrapes on my car. I'm still not happy about that) Anyway, Kyle ended up staying the night becuase of the wind & rain, so he left earlyearlyearly the next morning for work. When I woke up at 5:30, the power had already gone out, & Kyle told me when he woke up briefly at 3-something, the power had already been out then.

Oh yeah, so that was a first. I had to come to work despite no power, & it was the weirdest day of work. There was no power at home when I wanted to get ready, so I had to be careful with the limited water in the pipes & clean up with face pads & everything else. I got to the store, & no power, so I spent a lot of the day sitting in my car & telling people I could do cash sales. One guy started to just wander around & browse though, despite claiming he knew what he wanted & would be quick, so I had to rush him. I made it all the way to 6 without power, & it was getting dark, so I was able to close when it got too dark. Unfortunately, I still had no power at home & had no where to go, so I sat in the parking lot. I sat there too long. Suddenly, the power came back on, at about 6:40. If I had power at home, I could've had my first-ever short day at work there. I opened my stupid mouth though, & had to go back in & reopen & finish the day. I needed the full-day's pay anyway, so I guess it wasn't so bad, plus I FINALLY had access to running water & a flushing toilet, which I so badly needed. It ended up being the easiest 3 hours ever. (It took me 20 minutes to make it inside because I was trying to ask Eric what to do, but his store's landlord was there because the power was partially out in the plaza & half of his lights weren't working) I even ordered food, treating myself to the chicken alfredo from up the street, & not even that brought in business. I got paid an extra 3 hours to do nothing but eat & poop. I did watch TV briefly, but then Comcast went out & I had no phones, internet, or cable, so even if I did have someone walk in I would've still been cash-only.

Hmm. What else occurred in October? I just double-checked, & I last updated on September 23. We still had warm weather then. I was feeling crushing anxiety because i was having a hard time accepting the season change. I'm still struggling, but it's worse because it gets darker earlier, & then the time change made that way worse. It's dark by 5, so my days off are all out of whack now. I used to be able to watch DBZ & play WoW with daylight lasting until well after 8 pm, almost 9 pm. If I ate a snack/lunch at 3, it wasn't dark an hour & a half later. It's totally dark by 5, even earlier when it's cloudy, & it's messing with me. It hits 6 pm, & I feel like it's after 9 already, which makes my appetite all out of whack since I ate around 8 all summer long. (To coincide with Dragon Ball Super's English dub airing at 8 pm on Saturdays. If it wasn't Saturday, I just watched a DVR'd episode) The temperature thing is out of whack, since I have to use the heat now. At least when it was hot, I could open windows for fresh air, or the AC would feel refreshing. To make matters worse, it was warm up until a little over a week ago. Friday the 3rd & Monday the 6th were the last days that got to 65 or higher, & that Monday was quite humid apparently, making it feel even warmer. Unfortunately I had to work both those days, so I missed out on what was likely the last of the unseasonable warmth. The temps shfiting to cold has not helped for sure since it happened so quick, so it seemed to just be another nail in that. I can only hope that winter goes as fast as the summer did. Hell, I found the picture I shared of that Angry Orchard glass with the two seasons of DBZ (8 & 9) & saw it was from April 30th. I remember it being warm towards the end of April, when Pinball Wizard closed, as I was doing my DBZ & WoW thing back then. Heh, that's when we also had the bird flying into the window. Unfortunately, his mother just had that tree cut down, so I won't see the nice flowers outside my window or see the green. I was okay with a trim, since it was needed due to the branches growing against the house, but she cut it down entirely. This makes me sad.

I think I should wrap things up. Eric just got here, so I should go. My background stopped appearing on here for some reason, though the link still works & i was able to bring up the image separately. (And resaved it, just in case. I made that in high school, & I have no idea where that file went over the years) I need to figure out how to repair it, but it seems my custom color settings are all erased as well, like my colors for links & stuff. I just want my background back, so I need to find out how to do it without messing anything else up... Which may be asking the impossible.

Anyhow, toodles!

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Happenings [23 Sep 2017|04:33pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

I really need to get into the habit of writing more. It was good how often I used this in high school. I want to look back to this when I'm 40 & be able to remember the positive things, as well as other noteworthy things, that may slip my mind. I should've wrote more in 2012 & 2013, as I barely remember anything after all that crap that happened then. I went to shows & I don't even remember them!

One thing I want to mention is how I've noticed today specifically how different the sun is. The angle has changed, since yesterday afternoon was the start of autumn. Today's the first full day of fall, & I can tell. The sun angle is wrong. I don't like it. I want summer back. I didn't do much this summer of course, having gotten myself into a pretty mundane routine, but I still miss it. Being a creature of habit, my days off would be along the lines of: Wake up, shower, go do any errands if need be, go to Starbucks, come back & eat lunch, play WoW & watch Dragon Ball Z at the same time (specifically the Majin Buu saga), drink Angry Orchards all day, eat around 8 pm or so since Dragon Ball Super is on at 8 on Saturdays & I like routine, watch Dragon Ball Super while eating, play WoW more, go to bed. Outlaw Star very recently returned to Toonami at 2 am or so, so I've been recording that & incorporating that lately, but the routine has been the same. It sounds really pathetic, but I do miss it. I remember the angle of the sun, how refreshing those Angry Orchards would be when it was quite warm, & how late it would stay light out. It's changing, & as usually, I'm hating change. Winter will be here in just a few short months, & I don't want that at all, especially since Eric's mother never bothered to have the trees trimmed & I worry about parking underneath them every time it snows.

I'm also a bit disgruntled at the fact that the YouTube user who had all the Bruce Faulconer soundtracks uploaded as a single video per album, he removed all the videos. I'm sure it's copyright stuff, as I was once forced to remove a Type O song, but it's still a bummer because I was able to listen to those albums on my phone & even play it via BlueTooth in my car if I wanted. I still have yet to get a new iPod to work with a newer laptop & newer iTunes, so I didn't buy any of the albums yet because I can't put them on my old iPod. (My XPS I was using to manage my music has pretty much shit the bed, & I can't update that iPod anymore unless I wipe EVERYTHING, including video & pictures of Mopar that I will never be able to replace) I want a new Alienware this winter, but I think it's about time I really consider getting that new iPod & finally begin the daunting task of reloading ALL of my music onto this computer & having it all handy again.

I mentioned shows earlier, & I did hit up a show this past week. Sunday, the 17th, was Megadeth at the Casino Ballroom. Ten years it's been since I first saw Megadeth, my first metal show, at that same venue. I was barely 20 years old, & it was all new to me. It was interesting to go there again to see the same band just days after my 30th birthday, though I wasn't able to get the VIP ticket I so badly wanted. (That ticket would buy me that new iPod, so I was torn on what I wanted to do. Ultimately, I think it was for the best I saved the money because I need that new iPod very soon now) I still had a lot of fun, & I even saw them play Mechanix, which I haven't seen live since Gigantour in 2008. Even then, that was the only time I had seen it, so Sunday made only the second time I had seen Mechanix. Megadeth did play Take No Prisoners the night before in Madison Square Garden, when they opened for The Scorpions, so I wish that had been added, but ah well. That setlist site had a note that when they played it the night before, it was the first time since 2011 that song had been played live, so I guess that's become a rarity. Mechanix was great though, & very high energy. Now if only they'd add more older songs. Devil's Island or My Last Words would be amazing, & of course everyone wants Good Mourning... Black Friday.

Before the show, I drove Eric & i to the beach, since Eric's car still had yet to get an inspection sticker thanks to his insane work schedule. The night before, when he had played a show in Maine & I had worked, it was super foggy, & it got even worse late at night. During the day, it was bright & clear, but as I approached the beach, I could see that familiar smokey-appearing haze of fog near the water. It got pretty thick as I drove into it, & it was cool & damp & foggy the whole time we were at the beach. We went to eat at the Ketch, but because of the fog, Eric refused to sit outside. I enjoyed a couple drinks & a lobster caesar salad, & I enjoyed looking at the fish in the aquarium tank they had in the dining room there. (Which I suspect had clown fish & blue tangs thanks to Finding Nemo/Dory) I ran into Kevin & Chelsea at the show, as they arrived well after we did. Snacks even found me before Megadeth hit the stage, telling me "I thought you'd be here." :D Even NERD Kevin was there, & he was talking with me about stuff from Megadeth to creepy stuff about someone we know from work-related stuff.

So that was Sunday, & I thought that was a pretty fun way to celebrate my birthday, even if it was a few days late. My actual birthday, I went to my folks' place & we went to the Weathervane. This time, my mom managed to not embarrass us like she did when we had last gone there for birthday dinners. I went back up there again yesterday, as my aunt had come to visit, plus Brian & Jean had expressed interest in going somewhere to eat in what I suspected was a belated birthday dinner. It was great to see my aunt, who got herself a new car recently herself. We all blabbed for a while, & watched a little bit of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire, which I was happy I knew a few answers to. (Like the holiday question regarding what holiday was created in 1968, which my complete guess of Columbus Day was right, & even the Rachel Ray question I got) My Weathertech mats had arrived, so when Kyle arrived, I vacuumed my car & we installed them. What an improvement over my old car mats that kept sliding! My dad took my old mats to replace his worn out fabric mats in his truck for now, as my mother was so impressed by the Weathertech mats that she wants to order them for her new-ish Lincoln.

Dinner last night was quite fun. I met the Fifes over at their house, & we went over to Moritomo's, which I hadn't been to in YEARS, I think back in the days when I worked at that Staples over there. I was expecting us to eat in the regular dining room & was looking forward to chicken or steak teriyaki, but they had made reservations for hibachi, which I was excited for because I hadn't done that in years! They both got steak & shrimp, & since I only turn 30 once, I splurged & got steak & lobster. We got salads to start our meal, & we were even served that broth with the mushrooms in it, which I hadn't had since that Kobe steakhouse in Honolulu as a kid. I was very excited about that of course, & the Zombie drinks I had were freaking delicious! They had a Scorpion Bowl for two, followed by sake, but due to a misunderstanding, their order for one thing of sake with two glasses so they could share, ended up being two orders of sake. Once I finished my second Zombie, I was allowed my own glass to try some. I choked down a few shots of it, but sake is not really my thing, so I don't see myself ordering that in the future.

The dinner show was a LOT of fun though! The chef warmed up sauces for us (another couple sat next to us) & then started making our food. Everyone but me got fried rice, with the woman next to me getting hers without egg, & I got the fried noodles, which were DELICIOUS. Most everyone got steak & shrimp, with the guy from the other couple opting for the filet mignon instead of regular steak. (I wasn't the onoy one indulging it seemed!) The chef did the usual tricks, like the big fire, the onion volcano, & even the flipping chunks of veggies into people's mouths to see if they could catch it. I was the only one who wanted to try, & I missed all of them of course. A neighboring table had much better luck than me, which made me feel embarrassed of course. I didn't get a single one! He also had the little peeing guy thing, which was really funny, & I laughed a little too loud I think. It was all just so much fun though. The food was great, & I even ate most of the huge heap of veggies he had put on my plate... Including broccoli! It was the first time I had eaten broccoli, & I did not mind it, so it certainly confirms my suspicion that I'd probably eat broccoli if it was cooked a particular way. (I refused to eat it otherwise, & the only other time I willingly ate it was when my coworker & former schoolmate Tiffany Rudolph let me try one of her broccoli & cheddar frozen meals. I only ate it because there was so much cheddar sauce that I didn't taste the broccoli really) It was all so good, but it was a lot of food, so when we were done eating, we had to walk around to walk off the food & our drinks.

We set foot over at my old Staples, since I hadn't seen it in years. It's changed so much with how it's arranged since I worked there, & I couldn't help but think of old things. Tom playing his saxophone during the holidays, which was such a wonderful touch that us employees even felt better with that bit of cheer. (R.I.P. Tommy Kinhan. I miss you, as do the rest of us who had the honor to work with you. I can't believe this just-passed August made 5 years since you've left us. You really were an amazing person) I was surprised to see how much the registers had changed. I had expected the service desk & the 3 or 4 registers across from it like how I was always used to. No, they ripped them all out. There is no more service desk. The rectangular registers that were one behind the other, those are now gone. It's just a few small square bits of counter with round Check-Out lights now, with one general queue area for everyone to wait in a line so the next free cashier could call the next customer. It's so different, & I was so surprised at the Service Desk being gone. Easy Tech wasn't even so much Easy Tech anymore. I remembered when their tech room used to be Lock-Up, as well as various memories of that, like when Dave Stone had opened it for someone to get something & a customer nearly followed them in. Dave put his arm up & cut the right right off, looked at the customer, & just shook his head no. I do miss him for a manager, & I wonder where he is now? He did work at the Manchester Staples once Hooksett closed, but I have no idea if he's still there. He was one of the BEST managers ever, & he made those earlier days of retail a lot better & actually cared about his employees just as much as the customers. Anyway, sorry, more nostalgia. But yeah, things changed. It's different. Of course, years later, they FINALLY have new computers, new keyboards, everything. If only that was there when I worked there, & at the other two locations. Crashing registers were too common of a problem.

Anyway, I'm going to go. I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack. I just took a short break from writing to use the bathroom, thought about the change & everything else, & I think that & how hot my apartment is got to me. I felt like I was being crushed, still feel like I'm being crushed. I feel like I can't really breathe, I feel dizzy, my heart is racing & making my chest feel weird. I don't feel good. I need to do something else now.

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Painful nostalgia. [13 Sep 2017|10:57pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

A thought occurred to me, since I was dwelling so much on how I turned 30 today & it's even farther away from my teens than before.

I'm stuck living in the past. So much so, it's like a routine for me. I listen to the same music, I'm watching Dragon Ball Z like crazy... I can't even focus on the present or future. I'm living in the past because I have nothing going on in the present that makes me focus on this or a possible future. I'm at a dead end. How can I live in the here & now when I've got myself stuck? The past is the only place I can turn to, thinking back to my teenage years, & lately, even before that. That's partly because of the DBZ kick, & now Toonami has started to re-air Outlaw Star. I haven't seen that on TV since I was 12 or 13, so that REALLY takes me back.

I've got to really find a way to change things. My obsession with the past, it's not right. I miss the past so much so, it's painful. I keep repeating everything, watching & listening & doing the same thing. Every damn day off I had this summer, from April on, I've done EXACTLY the same thing. Wake up, go to Starbucks, come home, eat Ramen, watch Dragon Ball Z, play WoW, eat either Spaghetti-O's or chili or mac & cheese, & rinse & repeat. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. This is how I live in my present, by repetition like this, which ties in the nostalgia with the Dragon Ball Z because it's cool.

I just can't believe I'm 30. That time when Toonami aired DBZ & Outlaw Star, it's so far away from me now. Even my high school years are slipping further & further behind me. My 20's are now gone, & they'll never be back. It just messes with my mind, & with my painful obsession with the past, it's even more painful to think that my age now starts with a 3. Oi.

I dunno. My thoughts are a whirl at the moment, but the gist of it is how I have no plans for the future to look forward to so I can focus ahead instead of behind. Even my relationship is a dead end. My mother asked me today about mine & Eric's relationship, & asked if we had discussed marriage after she asked how long we had been together. Over 6 & a half years it's been, but there is no hope for it to advance. (Which I've mentioned before, with this being stuck bullshit. Still working a retail job, eating crappy food, & having someone who's just a boyfriend) I don't even have that aspect of my life to progress, & it's another dead end. Having my own mother ask me about it today though, it just made it so much worse. The only positive is that I got confirmation that my mother wouldn't care if I just went to a Justice of the Peace, something Eric was using as a reason for not wanting to get married. ("Our parents would be angry if we ran off & did it on our own." I suspect that he means his mother would be angry...) When I told her money was a concern, she even told me that we didn't need a ring or a big ceremony. Of course, his mother DOES charge an outrageous amount of rent, & she's an awful landlord. I can't even put a nail in the wall to hang a clock. She told me if I want to do that, I have to have HER do it. Seems fair for $1200 a month, right? -_-

Anyway. I dunno. My life's pathetic, so the past is all I've got. I just hope I can get myself out of this rut, or something changes with Eric, so I can finally have a reason to look forward & finally let the past be the past.

Guess I'll finally go watch Outlaw Star. I used to watch this all the time at the age of 12, so I suppose I should ring in my 30th by being a kid again.

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Harvey, Irma. [06 Sep 2017|04:32pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

I had meant to update this earlier, but I just haven't had the time. Of course, my brain thinks of it when I'm at work & unable to do anything, & by the time I get home I completely forget.

So a week & a half ago, August 25th, we had Hurricane Harvey come rolling into Texas. It obliterated many towns as it came in to the Corpus Cristi area. However, the initial destruction took a backseat in the news due to flooding. I mean a LOT of flooding. Trillions of gallons worth of water kind of flooding, all throughout Houston & other areas, & then up towards Louisiana as Harvey took days to finally get the hell out. (We only just got the remnants of Harvey on Sunday, the 3rd, here!) I've been watching The Weather Channel a lot lately, particularly since it's the perfect mundane background noise at work, & I couldn't believe all the live footage of the rising waters, rescues, etc. It was madness. What really got me to tears was the pets that were left behind. The cats, the dogs, & even the wildlife that struggled to find higher ground. (There was a photo of a possum on a bridge that looked sad & weather-worn. I heard that photographer caught some flak because he didn't rescue the possum)

Of course, with that storm, oil refineries were shut down. Nothing could commence in the Gulf, & on-shore refineries were shut down. TWC had someone near one of them, & it was flooded all around & closed because of the flooding. They were trying to get it open, but they had to get boats to bring in employees! Gas prices hiked of course. Here, I remember the Shell station being the expensive station at $2.35 for gas. (I had a 10 cent discount, so I paid $2.25) Other stations were around $2.20 to $2.25/gallon. I had heard gas would increase, but I was busy at work, & I'd never remember to stop for gas on my way home. I didn't remember until it was too late. I pulled up to Irving for gas after work the other day. The night before, gas was $2.39 a gallon, which wasn't such a bad increase. However, the very next night when I finally got gas, it had jumped to $2.64. Ouch. When I went to my mom's on Saturday, I took notice of gas prices around the area. The Shell I got gas at previously at $2.25 a gallon? It flew up to $2.80 a gallon. (Though it fell back to $2.75 by the time I got home hours & hours later) Other stations were $2.59, $2.74, $2.79, $2.64... My mother wanted me to tell her how much the gas was by her house. One station, the Z1, was $2.67. The Speedway on the opposite corner was $2.59. We went out for a while, hitting up an antique/consignment store & getting lunch, & when we got home just a couple hours after I had first arrived, Speedway had gone up to $2.69.

I can't complain so much of course, because Texas & closer places got it way worse. Some people took advantage of the situation & charged $5+ a gallon. I saw one piece of news footage of a Gulf station charging $8.02 for regular unleaded! Of course, this is of concern with what's coming next, & I just heard the issue of price gouging discussed on TWD.

Now here we are, with a new hurricane just days away: Irma. This one got attention quick because it developed from a depression to a category 3 hurricane in no time. It's currently sitting at category 5, & it just ripped through St. Martin today. Florida is already under a state of emergency, & I think even South Carolina may have done the same. TWC is showing footage from St. Thomas right now, & it's nuts. I can't help but worry about those in Florida. My mother's best friend is down outside of Tampa, still unsure on whether she should evacuate. What's making her decision difficult is that there is no gas available. The stations ran out! Staying behind is not ideal either though, because grocery stores have run out of water & other non-perishables. I told my mother to insist that she leave, & my mother even had the idea of inviting them to make a sort of trip out of it & come here until it's safe to return. (As much of a trip as it can be anyway, worrying about whether you'll still have a home to return to) One of my work's owners is down there, & he's not leaving. He may be one of my bosses, but I am concerned. I suggested coming up with a game plan for how things should be handled, in case he's out of power for some time. (Some places in Texas are not expected to have power for another month, & Harvey rolled in as a category 4 when it caused the worst wind-related destruction)

There's a lot going on right now. Harvey, Irma, & another storm developing called Jose. I think I even heard about a tropical storm that developed in the Gulf. I just checked it... Katia. Not only is there all this tropical shit going on, but other parts of the country are being destroyed by wildfires. It's just getting almost no mention on the news because of Harvey & Irma. It was a scary sight to see mountains on fire. It looked like Hell. There's also some flooding in South Asia, & over 1400 people have died there because of that. There's a lot going on, & it's scary.

Anyway, I don't have much more to comment on really. I'm now in my final week of being in my 20's, if that's of any significance. I wanted to go out & do something to enjoy the last of my 20's, but I just don't have the energy to or the motivation. I almost went to see Carl, but the rain persuaded me to hold off. I got woken up twice by thunderstorms this morning, & it poured & poured for a while. Of course, the rain stopped, so I debated going anyway. It's supposed to rain some more in a while, so I held off, especially because I don't want to drive back in the rain in confusing roadwork. I'm thinking maybe on my actual birthday, since Eric will have to work. Hopefully it doesn't rain then!

I suppose that's all I feel like writing about now. Time to do even less productive things.

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Eclipse 2017 [21 Aug 2017|11:59pm]
[ mood | okay ]

I have to rush if I want this to post on the correct date. Thanks, Comcast. Had to fight with my router to even get here.

Today was a total solar eclipse here in the US. Many states saw totality, but here, we got about 62% coverage. I had the day off, & after failing to meet up with friends in my area, I just opted to go to my work's parking lot to watch. No trees to obscure my view, unlike home, & I even had the sunroof to work to my advantage when I finally had to retreat back into AC. (It was hot today)

It was pretty neat, even with 62% coverage. I arrived to my work to see that it was already starting to get covered, & I watched as the moon slid across the bottom of the sun, eventually turning it into an upside down crescent. I watched it move along, & once it was clear from the sun, I finally went about my business.

I do feel bad though. My mother called me & realized I should've come up to see her. An hour north wouldn't make much difference this far away view-wise, though she does have a lot of trees around her house. Unfortunately, this thought didn't cross either of our minds until it was already underway.

Oh, it's about midnight. I shall update more tomorrow.

Happy Eclipse Day!

Looking forward to 2024, when we get to see totality around here!

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Easier To Run. R.I.P. Chester Barrington [20 Jul 2017|06:34pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Another piece of nostalgia, of my life, has been removed unexpectedly from the world today.

Chester Bennington, the singer from Linkin Park, has passed away.

If I read back on my oldest journal entries, I know I'd find numerous entries tagged with Linkin Park songs. Hybrid Theory was their debut album, which was loved by many including myself. Reanimation was a fun twist to those songs, though it seems to be forgotten by many. Meteora was the last album I listened to from them, & I loved it as well. Those two (or three) albums played prominently throughout my time in school & as a teenager.

I have many memories of friends, listening to Linkin Park. I have many memories of summers spent on the old Compaq computer, role playing away & hoarding the computer to myself for hours & hours. (When creative Away messages on AIM was a big deal, so sometimes I'd even put song lyrics) Yes, I think fondly of summer vacations with Linkin Park as its soundtrack, along with my other big favorites of Korn & Static-X.

Losing Wayne Static was big, & probably the biggest regret of a band I never saw live, something I was quick to correct last summer when the opportunity presented itself to see Korn & Rob Zombie. Linkin Park? The thought had crossed my mind to see them, but I never gave it much thought. The setlists barely contained the songs I knew & loved, & I figured "Maybe someday." Well, that someday will never come. It's a bummer, & it's motivation to make sure to see who I can, before it's too late. (Something my brother learned after he became interested in Motorhead after Lemmy died. Something I understand after missing Type O Negative & Peter Steele, & Dio.)

In other news, OJ Simpson was granted parole & will be released from prison. Today's Facebook & Twitter posts have all been either about Chester, or OJ Simpson. It's not the 90's, but he's still a hot topic. ABC News right now is talking about him.

What a day.

R.I.P. Chester. Despite the heartless remarks of some that I've seen, there are many, many more who will miss you. Your music was an important soundtrack to a part of my life. I won't ever forget that. May your soul be at peace.

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Day off; Bike Week; Adam West; DBZ [10 Jun 2017|04:26pm]
[ mood | nerdy ]

Well, I figure I should just give an update just as a refresher as to what's been going on lately. Today makes the start of weekend number two off, though I'm irked I slept away most of the day. I've been feeling under the weather from what I thought initially was a cold, but is seeming more like allergies. The night before last, I slept less than 3 hours before a 12 hour shift at work, so I was feeling pretty ragged yesterday. I caught up for sure last night, & I took Benadryl to make sure I fell asleep. (I had bought it before for work, but it nearly knocked me out & I felt out of it & had trouble staying awake, so it's been sitting in a drawer at home since then) My eyes were really puffy last night & really watery, & I was constantly on the verge of sneezing, so my eyes kept screwing up & making things worse. It was so bad, I could barely drive last night. When I got out of work Thursday night & last night, my car was COVERED in pollen, so I did the math in my head & figured it's allergies & not a cold. I've never had allergies before, so this is all new to me. I had to ask online what a good allergy medicine was, & a couple friends recommended Claritin, so we'll give that a shot.

As the title says, today is the start of Bike Week, so it's motorcycles galore around here. I know up at mom's, it'll be even moreso, since they're closer to Laconia than I am. Hmm, I'm not entirely sure why I bothered to mention Bike Week actually, since this is about as much commentary as I usually give on it. That, & it kills business at work. Happy summer!

The search for a new car is not going well. I've been looking since February or March now, & I'm still no closer to a car than I was then. I've seen a few ideal cars pop up for sale, but they've all been too far away from me. I saw a nice one appear online for sale in Woburn that was perfect. Gorgeous color/exterior, had all the features I wanted (and then some) & wasn't priced too bad. Unfortunately, that's still too far away from me, so I had to watch it disappear as it sold. Boo.

I haven't read too much into it, but I saw this morning on Facebook that Adam West had passed away. So sad. THE original Batman on TV. I just looked at the trending topic on Facebook, & it seems he had a brief struggle with leukemia. 2017 has not been kind to many people this year as far as health goes. I'm still upset about Bill Paxton's death, & part of my brain still refuses to believe it. (Celebrity deaths almost never bring me to tears, but I bawled my eyes out when I saw the news about Bill Paxton. Twister was a BIG part of my childhood, & I still watch it as often as I can, so it really hurt)

Last weekend was the NHRA races in Epping. That was a lot of fun. The day before the races, I got a phone call that told me I had won the NECN contest for the 8 pack of tickets, which were overnighted to me, so I can't tell you how amazing that was. Two years ago, in 2015, I won a full weekend ticket from a giveaway that E3 Sparkplugs did, so two out of three years attending for free? Yeah, I'm pretty stoked! Mike got me set up with NAPA Hospitality/VIP as well through his work, so two out of the three days, I got to eat in the hospitality tents & sit down & have all the water & soda I wanted. Friday's meal was baked spaghetti & meatballs, with salad & little cups of tiramisu (tiramisu!!!!!) for dessert. It sure beat the John Force h ospitality meal last year. Saturday, the choices were either rib-eye or maple-glazed salmon, which was also served with salad, corn, fruit, a bread roll, & little dessert cupcakes. I definitely enjoyed my meal. Tony Schumacher made an appearance on the Army side of the tent, & not long after Ron Capps was on ours to congratulate a new team member. Don Schumacher also gave out championship rings to the team as well, so it was a pretty neat experience. We did not get VIP for Sunday, as we knew we'd have no time to even go there. We spent round 1 of eliminations in the stands, & the rest of the day, Mike & I were by the fence near the Tree. It was pretty neat, & I could not believe we nabbed fence space that easily. Friday after the races, we went to Applebee's to eat. Saturday's post-race meal was at Telly's. Sunday, as per Nick's request, we hit up The Tuckaway, where we lucked out & got Nate as our server. I was introduced to a new tequila by accident there, Avion. It was not bad at all. I think he said it was supposed to be higher shelf than Patron, but I'm wasn't so sure about that. I just checked, & at least price-wise, it's very similar to Patron with just a $2 difference. (I'm writing this to make a mental note to compare the bottles next time I'm at the liquor store to really be sure. Patron has always been my go-to, especially since they're a major sponsor with the NHRA)

Not much else for me to write about really. I badly want to go play WoW & watch Dragon Ball Z for a bit. I've REALLY been on a big Dragon Ball Z kick all over again. With the new episodes of Super releasing every Saturday on Crunchyroll, it's even more exciting. I feel almost like I did in school all over again. In fact, I should backtrack & get on the ball with getting the Namek episodes of DBZ on DVD very soon, & even earlier back to Raditz/Vegeta/Nappa. I haven't seen those episodes since Hawaii. I had to buy the DVDs to finally see the Majin Buu saga, which I missed in high school. (Something I still kick myself for) God, I loved it. I noticed some perks to getting it on DVD as opposed to TV though, like Babidy & Gotenks giving the middle finger. I laughed so hard when Babidi gave Goku the middle finger, since I hadn't seen that before. I will say though, I do miss the old Toonami. I watched an old video with all sorts of old Toonami DBZ promos, including the DBZ20XL marathon one I remember so well. (When I was a kid, I said I was going to make that my license plate when I finally got a car. Needless to say, that didn't happen, but it was a nice memory)

Anyway, I wanna go! I wanna watch DBZ & get cranking on World of Warcraft!

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A let-down. [28 May 2017|04:20pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

It's times like this where I remember why I don't bother trying to even talk to people a lot of the time. Not only am I good at saying the wrong things at the wrong times & feeling incredibly stupid afterwards, but I'm also good at letting everyone down.

I have a couple things planned next month, but I think after those come & go, I really should just keep to myself from now on. It's hard to be an asshole if I'm not around to be an asshole in the first place.
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Oh the nostalgia! (Warning: Nerd ramble!) [02 May 2017|10:50pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

Okay, this entry delves into the nerdy realm, & involves a lot of rambling about a show I'm watching, so readers beware!

Recently, over the last few months, I've started to purchase Dragon Ball Z on DVD, so I can finally watch it whenever I'd like at home. (And not cause further wear on my VHS tapes. I also discovered a perk to watching the non-broadcast DVD episodes as well. I'll get to that later) I have the Trunks/Android saga all the way up to the end of the series, & I have to go back & get the Namek episodes since I haven't seen those since I lived in Hawaii.

Over the last week or so, I finally decided to watch the Majin Buu saga, since I missed that in high school. I had started to watch it, I think back in my freshman year, but I got so overwhelmed with school stuff, I fell behind. I didn't even set VHS recordings & record it, which I regret. I remember the World Martial Arts Tournament a bit, as well as some enemy taking energy from Gohan, & some sort of spaceship with Babidi & Dabura. The last thing I had seen was Vegeta letting himself get taken by Babidi, getting the Majin brand on his forehead, & then blasting the arena after Babidi transported them back. After that.... Nothing.

I've been enjoying Dragon Ball Super, even though it's quite a bit different than Dragon Ball Z, but there was a lot of backstory that I was oblivious to that referred back to the Majin Buu saga. According to the timeline for Super, it takes place not long after the Buu saga, & it really hindered my understanding of things. I just watched the latest episode that aired on Saturday night for example, & Piccolo was training Gohan, & referring to weaknesses & poor strategy that he had versus Buu. Now that I'm in the process of watching that, I understand it, but I would've been entirely unaware.

Of course, just like back in Hawaii, I'm eating up these episodes I hadn't seen before, & I cannot stop watching. That's all I want to do is sit down & keep watching, though there will come that point in time where it'll be done & it'll be just like when I finish reading a book. There will be a show hole, & I'll have seen it, & there will be nothing that's new to me in the world of Dragon Ball Z. I'm so into it all over again, & it's the US dub, so the voices & music are like what I know. (Plus new stuff for Majin Buu, of course) I can't help but laugh at some things I've seen in these DVD episodes that I don't think would've made it to air, & a couple things I know for a fact would've been edited out. Master Roshi farting to get a dinosaur to vomit up a dragon ball? Yeah, I doubt I would've seen that, which is why all the farting & pooping jokes I saw in Super seemed new to me. I thought it was! Then when I saw Babidi give Goku the middle finger? I lost it. Apparently there's many middle fingers I didn't know about, since Toonami/Cartoon Network would've edited those out for sure. (I saw Gotenks give Buu one, too. I saw a screenshot somewhere of Vegeta giving the finger from back in the Namek saga as well)

I guess the whole point of this entry is this overwhelming sense of familiarity & excitement for something I loved when I was just 11, 12, 13 years old back in Hawaii. New Dragon Ball Z episodes for me to watch, more for me to learn, etc. I just want all the Dragon Ball Z things now! I will be sad when I finish the Buu saga & it seems to come to an end. I haven't seen GT, & even though it's not considered canon, I read ahead to the episodes to see what occurred via Wikipedia & I nearly cried at the final episode description, with Shenron taking Goku away & a many-many-years ahead scene when Pan is a grandmother. Dragon Ball Z was so huge to me & many other kids growing up, thanks to Toonami, that to even read about it all coming to an end & everyone having passed away & everything changing, it's heartbreaking.

Anyway, I should wrap this up. I'm still sitting at work, & Eric will be here any time now. I've gotta head home & shower, & then come back to work tomorrow. Thursday night, the 4th, Cinemagic is showing Tremors, & I am stoked! I am a little worried I didn't brush up on my trivia knowledge though, & I'm super sad I didn't get a Walter Chang's Market t-shirt. (I had it bookmarked on my XPS laptop, but I lost the bookmark when that laptop died & I never found the link again) Friday is Dave's Judas Priest band playing down the street from me. Karen will be able to attend, & we both are looking forward to getting shitfaced. Saturday is a recovery day, which means I'll sleep in late, get a coffee, & then binge-watch Dragon Ball Z some more & squeeze in some WoW. I really look forward to some time away from work.

Hmm, another airplane way in the sky right now. I heard one about 20-30 minutes ago after hearing some odd noises outside & getting a weird feeling. Now I hear another one, way up in the sky. How weird. I don't often hear them.

Ah! Here's Eric now! Time to go!

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Memories, & time. [04 Apr 2017|09:20pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

I just got done watching an episode of NCIS, where one character's mother is revealed to be suffering from memory loss. She kept forgetting her husband had passed 3 years prior, she would get lost while walking in her own neighborhood, & she'd forget who she was talking to. To see her break down & cry because she was scared that she'd forget who her daughter was, it got to me.

It made me realize what I fear most when I do get older: Losing my memories. I think back to my old entries from schools, & gosh I just want to tie photos to every name. I'm scared I'll forget who Josh C or Chris J is. I worry that as I get much older, more memories will slip. I get nervous when I forget teacher's names, or forget exactly how my school schedule was in high school. It makes me so nervous.

This is going to sound incredibly silly, but you know what I think of when I think about memories? Twilight. I don't care for the romance BS, & the characters are so flawed they annoy me. However, the thought of the flawless, crystal-clear memories was fascinating to me. I wish my memories could be as clear. I don't want to forget the silly things, like how the mornings looked on a school snow day & I could look out the window at the road & just watch the snow fall. Or Josh C walking around dressed as one of those monks & doing that chant & hitting his head with a book, just like in Monty Python. Or French Class with Mr. Mehegan, where he had the TV on as the new Pope was elected & white smoke came from the Vatican. (I'm not religious, but it was a moment in history. He had the TV on in the background during class, as he was trying to monitor it, & it just so happened that in our class, the white smoke started. It ended the lesson so we could watch) Or watching Le Comte de Monte Cristo.with Girard Depardieu, which I still need to finish since it was such a long movie, in French class. (Or the random writings on the board, like Blake writing about a baseball, or do not eat the yellow snow... "Ne mangez pas la neige jaune!") Or Granger & his blue Volkswagon, which my mom saw once. Or Uno at the lunch table with Stacy (I've forgotten her last name at the moment, but short, blonde Stacy) & others. Or shocking Ms. Pace with the shocking slot machine toy Renee had, which I swear is why I failed her class by two points. (A 68!) Or the fact that I remember it was just two points, & how I was angry about that & wished the pass/fail grade was 65+ as passing. I would've never been held back. I don't want to forget these things. As awful as I thought school was, it's nothing compared to the hell my life is now. Heh, the only improvement is that I can get alcohol, & I can legally drink it. I'll never forget Sherry bringing in those little Kahlua Mudslide bottles she swiped from home & brought in. Silly me drank one on the bus on the last day of school, & I drank one at home, & I spent summer vacation hiding the bottles. Oh, & John with the mullet & his crazy bus antics like lighting the paper airplanes on fire, or Tim & Greg hanging tampons from the lights & John lighting up the bus & saying it was Christmas lights. He was crazy, but he was cool, & when it came time to be serious, he was. Someone had to blow it though & drink a shitload of vodka from a plastic water bottle & have to get rushed to the hospital. (I can remember his face, but I can't remember his name, the boy who did it! Oh! Adam Dube!) I was so sad to see him go. We had Sam as a driver for a while.... Then we got the psycho ex-military bitch with her insane rules. Ha, I remember seeing Sam driving busses one day the summer after I graduated, when I was standing on the median during my week-long stint with Weaver Bros. Construction. He gave me a wave. That was the last time I ever saw him though.

I cherish these memories. I just want to ramble about them. I'm trying to recall those Valentine's Day things... Data Matches! I wish I still had mine, so I could see who in the world got paired with me. The random singing from Chorus students who volunteered to serenade other students for a minor fee. Sean, Josh, Brandon... I miss all of these people. Josh though... Wow. He's changed since he graduated. Like most of us, he put on a lot of weight as well. I still feel bad that I annoyed him to death. I used to be so awful about that. I'd make such a nuisance of myself. I wish I could apologize, but I think my messed up little brain is probably the only thing that remembers that. I'm sure he'd remember he doesn't like me, but I think he'd find it weird that I would still feel embarrassed after all these years. My brain sucks like that though. I'm still embarrassed about the trivia game in Mr. Umeda's history class in 8th grade, where I yelled "No!" when I thought my group gave the wrong answer, & it turns out I was the one that was wrong. (And of course, Mike Carlson was in the group. He was my first-ever crush)

When I'm not working, I want these memories to flow. I want to write them as I go. Being a grown-up sucks, though it's a little ufnny when I can talk to Mr. Blakeslee on Facebook about beers. I still laugh so much when I see the comment he left asking about the Sam Adams Utopias I got in 2012, asking if it was worth the high price tag, Who would've thought that my music teacher would be asking me about a beer so many years later? Mr. Bernard is on my friendslist as well. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he was my age when I was in high school, or roughly thereabouts. (I think I figured it as 27 years old, which is such a mindfuck) Mr. Blakeslee though, I do feel bad that I didn't do so good in his Music Appreciation class. I'm still proud of Crystal & I coming up with that story about the hero being slain by the villain to that piece, which ended up being about Mars & was about evil defeating good. My brain came up with a story just by orchestra music! Sadly, when I was paired with Tyler W, we did shitty, & it was embarrassing. I remember Mr. Blakeslee giving me a shot about being behind on homework or something when we were outside of class one day, in that little corridor past Mrs. Williams' classroom that had the glass tile corner that went to the auditorium. He was right, & I had no excuses. I have a bigger appreciation for more types of music now, & I feel bad & I wish I could make it right. I wonder what he thinks if I DO post the random odd things I've listened to, like Clair de Lune or Chopin?

Anyway, I should go. I'm still at work. The memories... They're threatening to choke me up, because I miss those days. Each day that passes, is another day that that period of my life slips further & further away. It all ties back to the memories. It was over a decade ago now that I graduated. I cried last June, as it was 10 years since I graduated. it's so far away now, & it's going further & further back. I don't want to let it go. It's probably not normal to feel this way, but I miss those memories. I want to walk around in PA again SO BAD, but I don't know how I can do that. I don't think they'd let alumni just wander around after school just to look around again & see what's new, which I heard was more cameras, & I know they installed a copper Spartan statue out by the bus circle where we'd always get dropped off. I sneak peeks at the PA Facebook page just to see old stuff. I see the blank wooden setting for commemorative placards has filled in substantially, & the main entrance by where we'd come in from the busses is a LOT more filled in.

Ah! Memories! Time for me to go. I'm watching Deadliest Catch. Gosh, this was on when I was in high school, too. Can't believe it!

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Bill Paxton. R.I.P. [28 Feb 2017|03:26pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I would love to update this someday with some good news, but alas. This time, I am not.

I woke up Sunday morning, & I checked my phone for the time & decided to check my notifications on Facebook while I was at it. The first thing I saw that made me forget all about that, was an article that was shared. My buddy Daniel C. shared an article from BBC, & despite the lack of a picture, the text from the headline grabbed my attention immediately: "Aliens actor Bill Paxton dies at 61."

I scrolled more, & I found more articles, & saw Bill's face. I refused to believe it was true, despite the fact I was seeing real news sources sharing it. I still can't believe it's real. Everyone always talks about celebrity deaths, & there's still that crowd that draws ire from such discussion & says "People die every day." I've gotten bummed out about some deaths, particularly Alan Rickman. However, this one.... This one hit me hard.

As most anyone would know, one of his biggest roles was from the movie Twister. I remember watching that when my parents rented it on VHS, & I was HOOKED. I couldn't stop watching it! I got a copy from my mom, & watched it so much I wore out the tape. I could recite the movie word for word. It was my first introduction to Bill Paxton, & consequently, he became my first-ever favorite actor at an early age for me. Later on, I saw him in other movies. He stood out to me in Titanic as the researcher Brock Lovett. I'd see him here & there, & last year I was reminded that he played in Aliens 2, something I hadn't seen since I was a kid. (Back when I was in Hawaii of course. The scene that was most memorable was the sewer scene with Newt. I forgot nearly all of the rest of the movie, but I remembered that xenomorph creeping up in the darkness. It was freaky) I was pleasantly surprised to see him & felt silly that I had forgotten, & I enjoyed the movie that much more.

A few weeks ago, I saw a commercial for a new TV show. I've noticed that some shows are now taking inspiration and/or references from movies, like Lethal Weapon & Training Day. This particular show was Training Day, & Bill Paxton was one of the two main characters. I was pretty stoked, & I had figured on sitting down to watch it. Of course, work got in the way, especially with the snowstorms, & it got relinquished to a To-Do list on OnDemand when I finally had a more normal work schedule. Well, the very first day of my normal work schedule, & Bill passed away. I made a point to watch at least episode 1 that night, & I have to say, I was right to be excited. The only reason why I wanted to watch it was because Bill was in it. I had recently wondered what he had been up to lately, as he hasn't really been on the big movie screen in some time, which I had been wishing that he was.

Sunday afternoon, I spotted more posts about Bill, but the ones that grabbed my attention yet again were from the storm chasing community. Several pages & people I follow shared tributes, but the one that got me most was seeing screenshots of storm chasers' GPS markers spelling out the initials "BP" in Oklahoma, & apparently Wakita was right in the middle. My friend Rick just shared an article on Facebook & tagged me in it, talking about the storm chasers' tribute to Bill. There was Bill's face again, & I was just hit with another wave of sadness.

Two days later, & I'm still reeling. He was still too young. I didn't even realize he had hit the 6o year old mark. He still seemed so much younger to me, & even then, 61 is not old. (Especially after seeing him in Training Day. He was looking great for 61 & put on a great performance! I never would have guessed he was that age!) I watched Twister on Sunday as well, & it was just so different. Watching Bill in the movie, & knowing he was gone. Helen Hunt shared something about Bill, with a screenshot from the movie. The official page for Twister did as well, with the same image of Bill & Helen. It's just so sad.

I'm at work, so I can't say much more. I'm just really upset about this. Watching anything with him won't be the same now. :(

R.I.P. Bill Paxton, 1955-2017.

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Can't stop looking back. [06 Feb 2017|01:42am]
[ mood | sad ]

I've been wondering why the nostalgia lately has been hitting me so hard, to the point where it almost hurts how bad i miss my high school days. I think I figured out why I long for the past so much: I don't have anything in the future to look forward to, so all I can do is look to the past, where I had better things going for me. (Even though I didn't think so at the time. Sixteen year old me didn't have a damn clue.)
I really have no direction in life. I graduated high school not knowing where I'd go or what i would do. Over a decade later, I still haven't figured that out, & I'm tired of going through the daily motions & the same dull routine. I keep looking back because things simply were better. I wasn't such an outcast, I wasn't as depressed, & I stood a better chance of getting my shit together at a younger age. There is no excitement anymore. There is nothing in the future to look forward to or plan for. All I can do is think back instead, & I've allowed myself to do it so much that it almost hurts to think about how I miss everyone, how I want to redo it, & how simple shit was.
I'm not quite sure how to snap myself out of this. I still don't know how to move forward. I can't keep living in the past. I'm looking at old pictures I took from PA, & looking at modern pictures & thinking about how I used to sit in the same cafeteria, in the same corner.... How I used to sit & play Uno with everyone, or get into food fights, or try to finagle money for the vending machines. I want to cry every time I do this, because I want it back so bad. I don't want to do what I'm doing anymore. I hate my existence right now. It's so mundane, & it has no future. All anyone can suggest to me is going to school. I never knew what to do when I graduated, & I still don't know what to do. Working my entire working "career" in retail has made it worse, as I really don't want to deal with the public at all anymore. Pair that with my extreme germophobia, to the point where I'm convinced I have OCD, & other stupid quirks I have, & I just don't think I have what it takes to make it. It's why I wish I was in high school all over again. If you were a socially awkward teenager with anxiety issues or other quirks, at least it didn't spell disaster for your life.

I miss the past. I miss it so much, it hurts. I miss my friends. I wasn't such an outcast then. I actually had friends. I'm a loner now. My post-school group of friends abandoned me because of something I did, & I guess karma didn't do enough justice to seek forgiveness... Which after recent thought, I'm not so sure I'm the one who should be seeking forgiveness. (Yet despite what everyone preaches, I would be the one making shit up. I can't possibly bring it up now anyway though. I don't think about it much. I still talk to the person responsible, as I've allowed myself to not realize what was truly happening, & then it gets all weird if I wonder what to seriously do. If only I had friends to discuss it with!)

I hate my life so much right now. I'm not even 30, & I already consider myself to be at a dead end. I just want to give up already, but you can't do anything if you cower in a corner & mope. (Which is all I ever want to do, & it makes my every day bullshit even more miserable & intolerable. It's literal hell to even walk out the door sometimes, & it feels like torture having to fake politeness & smiles. Every time I fake smile for customers at work, I feel like I"m dying more inside, & by the time I'm 8-9 hours into my shift, all I want to do is curl up & cry. I really am not cut out for this shit, I swear)

Meanwhile, I'll go back to listening to Lifehouse. Megan showed me this my freshman year, & somewhere I still have the disc she gave me. The same disc I"ve had since the end of 2001. Just the thought makes me want to cry. I wish I still had that Dragon Ball Z shirt she gave me for gym, as well as the PJ pants. I want that DBZ shirt again so bad. Lost it in the stupid fire. Another treasured part of my past, gone forever. Fuck.
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Final post for 2016. [31 Dec 2016|11:22pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I can't believe it. The year is over & a new one begins in less than an hour. (It's 11:05 as I begin to write this)

Was 2016 a good year? Not really.

Some good things did happen though! In February, I saw Obituary for the first time in years. Better yet, they opened for Cannibal Corpse. I don't think I could've asked for a better line-up! (Sure beats them opening for Kreator next year. I've gotta find out when that date is!) April rolled along, & I went back to NYC with Carrie. I went to Duff's for the Peter Steele Tribute Night, & I actually met half of Type O Negative! I met Johnny & I met Kenny. I was drunk though, so I probably made an ass of myself. I hope I didn't! I also got to try some awesome foods, & revisit one that I loved last year. I went to the Plaza Hotel & had a few expensive as fuck cocktails, a free disgusting one that someone turned his nose at because "it took too long, & in the same night, I went to a sold-out punk show & saw a fight that resulted in blood on the sidewalk. It was rad.

June was the NHRA race in Epping. Money was a bit tight, but my buddy Mohawk Mike managed to come through! His buddy scored VIP tickets & passes, so they hooked us up. It only got us in for one day, but I'll take it! The VIP pass was neat. We got to go into the hospitality area for Brittany Force & the Monster sponsership. (Mike must've been happy. He's addicted to that shit!) We even got our own private meet & greet with John Force Racing! It was neat.

August had a couple of highlights. I saw Black Sabbath for the first, & sadly the only, time. I got to see THE Black Sabbath, one of the ones who started it all. I don't think I need to explain why & how that's important.

Fast forward a week, & it was Korn & Rob Zombie. That show was killer, & I still get pumped about it.

So overall, it's been an okay year. That stuff offsets the bad, which there was a lot of. Many more celebrity deaths, & the realization that these celebrities that we adore so much are from a generation that is starting to slowly slip away. Lemmy started it, even though that was the end of 2015. Elie Wiesel, the author of Night, he passed away. Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia) & her mother Debbie Reynolds (Aggie Cromwell in Halloweentown), they just both passed away this week. Carrie passed on Tuesday, the 27th, & her mother on Wednesday, the 28th. So sad. The guy who played Father Flannigan on MASH just died today, exactly one year after Trapper John's actor. We lost George Michael, who I will forever remember for Careless Whisper. (And the Sexy Sax Man who would walk around malls & play it on his saxophone & get kicked out) David Bowie started out the year. There's so many more, I feel overwhelmed trying to remember. Oh, Peter Burns from Dead or Alive... He died, too. I know I"m forgetting important people. There was just so many. Muhammed Ali also died this year. We also lost Prince. We lost Gene Wilder. We lost Arnold Palmer as well. Even the big name Zsa Zsa Gabor died, with her adopted son passing away just a week later.

What a year. I suppose I don't have much more to say really.

I hope 2017 does prove to be a better year. I also hope I can finally accomplish that dream of losing weight this year. I hate how my body looks. I miss the old me. I laugh now because I thought I had quite a bit of weight in high school. I was underweight then! What I would give to go back to that problem & be that twiggy beanpole again.

Anyway.

-End Trasmission-

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Existential Crisis. [29 Dec 2016|05:29pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

A decade has gone since I graduated, & I feel this sense of dread & regret & embarrassment that I did absolutely nothing over the last decade to improve my circumstances in life. When I got hit with a couple of nasty curveballs a few years ago, I should've tried to make difficult life changes, & I didn't. I'm faced with that reality now, & I feel so overwhelmed that I don't know what to do. I feel like I've failed as a grown-up, that I still don't know what I'm doing, & I kind of feel like I'll be trapped in this nothing-limbo.

I have to make some difficult choices, but I'm not even sure where to begin or where to go. I've never attained any skills in the workforce that would be beneficial. I never figured out college. I remember being pressured about it in high school, but I couldn't figure out a career path that I could take that I wouldn't absolutely loathe. (Like medical) Even now, if I think about it, I don't even know what I would do. I think that ties back to the fact I've done nothing & attained no skills, & it's just a vicious loop in my head. :(

I was hit with a bad episode of this on Tuesday night, when I realized I worked at a shit job that didn't pay me enough to afford a roof over my head & car repairs, nevermind trying to save money or pay off an existing debt. I need a better job. I wasted my life working at shit jobs though. I have no experience. Go to college, but for what? College is no guarantee. I've seen people go to college & further their education, & get nowhere. It really dampened my perspective on things, especially after finding out that some places aren't accredited, & you coud spend money & go to school there & never get hired because there was a problem with your school. I'm also older than most graduates. Why hire someone like me when there's people who are fresher out of high school? Of course, the longer I dilly dally, the worse it gets. If only I could figure something out?

I've tried for data entry. I don't have experience though. How do I get experience if I can't get a job that gives me experience? Learn Microsoft Word, Excel, etc. I don't know Excel. Doesn't anyone use something other than Excel for entry? I liked the simple set-up for the Rewards, where you just type in the information into the fields & hit submit. I could do that for hours each day. I"d actually love doing that. Typing is the only thing I'm decent at. I can't get a job just based on that. No experience, no degree. Gotta go to school & get a degree to prove that you can type, or have a minimum of one year experience in data entry or even office work at the bare minimum. I don't know Excel, either.

I just suck at being an adult .That's all there is to it. My existence would've been fine fresh out of high school. It's not fine as a grown-up. I just suck at life I suppose. I don't know how to make the big steps. I don't even know where I want to take these big steps. I thought about moving out of Eric's mom's place & starting fresh, but I don't know how or where. My parents don't have a room to offer, nor do I want to go back there. I'd be starting exactly where I am elsewhere. No, I'd be worse. I'd be making minimum wage. Ugh.

My brain hurts.

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Like I'm in high school again. [22 Dec 2016|06:44pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

It's funny how things loop back around in time. In 8th grade, & into my freshman year even, I was big into Dragon Ball Z. I LOVED it. I remember running home from the bus stop to watch Dragon Ball Z, even though I had my VCR set to record it, & I couldn't get enough of it. I even got figurines & stuff. Later on in high school, I got into bands like Static-X & Korn.

Now it's 2016, & this year, I've gotten back into Korn with a new album, the first Korn album I've purchased since See You On the Other Side came out in 2006, & I got pulled into Dragon Ball Super & I'm obsessed with DBZ/DBS. When Eric & I were out Christmas shopping yesterday, he bought me a cold drink cup with Shenron on it, & it even had little dragon balls with liquid in them so you could freeze them like ice cubes to keep your drink cold. I even got a Dragon Ball Z winter hat. There was so much more I wanted, but I couldn't bring myself to have Eric spend so much on DBZ stuff for me. (I will have to go back for more of those cups) I even got a Dragon Ball Z mug the last time I was in Hot Topic, too, so I'm pretty excited about that.

I just feel like I'm in high school again. I'm BIG on DBZ right now & can't get enough, I can't stop listening to that Korn album that came out in October... It's looped back around. My reunion was supposed to be last month, my proper 10 year reunion, since I graduated a year late & didn't finish out until 2006. (No big deal though. It was an additional year of memories, even if Ms. Witte contributed to some awful ones)

Oh, & what else is ringing that bell of nostalgia? Monday, December 19th, made the 15 year anniversary since the first Lord of the Rings movie came out in theaters, The Fellowship of the Ring. I can't believe it's been 15 years. I remember when Jacob & his mother picked me up from the house when we had plans to go see a movie. It was my first proper date, & I remember Jacob asking me what I wanted to see. I told him I was interested in seeing the new Lord of the Rings movie. I still remember the look of surprise on his face when I said that, as I think he was expecting me to pick some sort of chick flick. He was like, "... Okay." His mother got a giggle. Turns out he was a fan of the books, so he had wanted to see the movie. I didn't even know they were based off of any kind of book. It just looked good, & some of that fantasy-type stuff has always been of interest, so I was interested.

Anyway, just some quick thoughts about old habits & interests circling around. Now I'm going to go back to listening to Dragon Ball Super music. Pizza is coming, so I'll be watching some episodes while I eat. I love this show.

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Slight improvement. [18 Dec 2016|10:36am]
[ mood | okay ]

I guess a few hours sleep helped out. I don't feel quite so mad like I did last night. I also have a coffee in hand, though I spilled some of it when I went to throw my purse onto my passenger seat & it clipped the cup. I suppose I really should look into getting a proper women's winter jacket, so I can use that stupid thing & not have it constantly fall off my shoulder. (I have a camo coat that was given to me after I lost my Columbia jacket in the fire, & I've never been able to go & get a real winter coat. I've never actually owned a ladies winter jacket, & I'm nearly 30!) Wish I could find one like Nicki (I'm not sure how her name is spelled) has, just a simple black coat with a hood & the fur trim. Faux of course. I've just recently discovered the joy of faux fur, namely with a blanket that I recklessly treated myself to. Bought it on a whim, debated returning it & being smart, & then it got cold & my room got really fucking cold, so it's staying. It's amazing how much that little throw warms me up!

Hmm, I can tell I'm in a better state of mind. I'm back to my rambling self. Is coffee & sleep really the cure? Well, tomorrow I get to snooze in a bit, & I'm definitely getting a coffee again tomorrow. It'll still be a busy day, especially with a bank stop I cannot miss. I got super lucky this year & I got a Christmas bonus again. Not only that, but it was double what it had been the last time. (This is the first job I've ever gotten any kind of bonus, & that's still a very, very new development) That'll get used to cover the Rammstein tickets I got. Merry Christmas to me?

Anyway, it's getting busy at work, so I'm going to wrap this up. I hate getting stopped mid-thought, because then I forget anything else I was thinking about, so this abruptly ends here.

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Positive? Here, does this count? [18 Dec 2016|12:48am]

Okay, here's some positivity so I can seem like I haven't entirely gone off the deep end.

I got Rammstein tickets today.

Bought a second ticket in hopes I can use it to persuade someone to come with/bring me there, so let's see if a free ticket will do the trick for a Rent-A-Friend for the weekend.

I guess I'm looking forward to that.

Six years & 7 days ago, I saw them for the first time at Madison Square Garden. Four years ago, in April of 2012, I saw them in Worcester & got that coveted pit experience, which is good because you'd never get pit tickets without paying out the ass now. December 11, just one week ago, I was thinking about that Madison Square Garden show & was thinking about how I wanted to see them again. The next day, boom. Lone East Coast date. It's a hike to Long Island, but fuck it. Maybe I can go see Peter Steele's grave & cry that he's gone.

So there's your positivity: I got concert tickets.

(Yes, I'll admit, getting that stuff of my chest helped. Would rather talk to a friend about how I feel, but seeing as how I haven't got any, this will do.)

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Why? [18 Dec 2016|12:39am]

Why did I grow up to be so fucking ugly? Why couldn't I have been beautiful like every other female I know? I want to cry when I see some of them because they grew up to be so beautiful, & here I am, overweight & lumpy & with the same god fucking awful face I've always had. I never blossomed. I never was beautiful. I never will be. I just want to go out in public & not keep my head down in shame because I look so awful. I just want to feel good about myself. I want people to actually like me because I look good, because I fucked up in the personality department, & no one gives a shit about personality anyway.

Fuck. I really hate everything about me. There is not one single fucking thing to like about me. Honestly, if I didn't have Eric, I'd seriously just say fuck all this & end it. My life is pathetic. I never did anything, I never looked good, I never was a good person no matter how hard I tried, I never made it in life. I'm destined to live the same cheap shit life & be miserable until the day I fucking die. Hell, I can't even get any fucking privacy because I suck & I live with someone's fucking nutbag of a mother & pay her out the ass in rent.

Oh wait, I can't, because I suck & work a fucking dead-end job that will NEVER go anywhere. I won't ever even fucking see a pay raise. I only stay here because I can't stand the public, & I know I'd lose my job quicker than you can imagine if I tried to go back to regular retail. Fuck, I can't even do my fucking job right because I can't fake being happy for the sake of a fucking sale. I can't play along with their stupid mindless banter. I can't put up with their stupid "jokes." Worst of all, I've lost all my patience with rude customers, & I can't keep my cool anymore. The last guy to piss me off? He thought it was fine to talk over me & yell over me to the manager? Nah, fuck him. I yelled at him back, did the whole finger pointing thing that everyone hates, & taunted him as he left. That would never fly, even if he was harassing me & threatening me. So fuck that. I can't even do retail because I fucking suck. I have no fucking skills in anything because I wasted my life doing nothing & figuring NOTHING out.

Why do I even exist? Seriously, what's the fucking point of me? I can't do shit. I'm not a good person. I'm not even good to look at & get ridiculed even as an adult BY adults. I can't get anywhere in life because I let myself get held down by bullshit. Fuck, even my relationship keeps me stuck in that shithole I have to call my house. (I would never call it "home." As far as I'm concerned, I'm bereft of a home, & have never had one to begin with) I thought about ending the relationship just so I can save me, but I can't do jack shit & would never succeed on my own, so I'm stuck. There's also the fact that I do love Eric, even though he probably can't stand me. (Maybe he feels stuck as well, but with our relationship? A lot of the time, I feel like we're just roommates) He's the only reason why I'm still here, & what is sort of holding the few threads that is my shit self together.

Pfft, listen to me. How in the world has he not dumped my ass? I really am a basket case. Alex M. was right. I am too depressing. He was the smart one & got away from me. At the time, when he dumped me, I didn't understand what he meant. Guess I was very stupid then, too. Ha, yeah, I was. I pushed everyone away with my "charming personality," the one that can't even save my sorry ass. I'll never forget Josh Chinn snapping at me because I made a nuisance of myself. Stupid me, desperate for a friend, & I blew it because I was a dumbass. Whatever though, he was right. I just keep forgetting to take that lesson to heart, & I slip & let some of my stupid self show. Hell, I even cracked a weird joke to Pam at Englishtown about sleeping in the car & dying in a wreck. I know she thinks I'm fucked up, but hey, it's true.

I'm just rambling now. I'm still angry, but I've lost my focus. All I know is, I hate myself. I hate every fucking part of myself. I am a complete waste of space, time, air, & everything else. I just wish I could fade to oblivion. Oh yeah, that's what started it all. My ugly fucking self. I purposely don't have a mirror in my bathroom because I hate myself. Maybe I should do drugs to try to get skinny. What's that shit that makes people thin? Crack? Meth? Fuck, who knows? I'd rather look withered & sullen than fat & dopey.

And thus ends my stupid, whiny rant. I probably sound like a stupid 16 year old. Not much has changed, huh?

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I am: [18 Dec 2016|12:09am]

Pathetic.

Fucking pathetic.

God I fucking hate myself.

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Retaliation. [16 Dec 2016|10:29am]

So the big news is supposedly Russia had a hand in our election & caused the results that we got via hacking. Consequently, Obama has said that "we will retaliate" against Russia "at a time and place of our own choosing,"

Am I the only one who gets really nervous about that? Call me crazy, but Russia is not someone I'd want to pick a fight with. I certainly don't want to see any days where Russia is our enemy, & this is one instance where I'm strongly in favor of peace instead of war. I may not have been crazy about Trump, but part of me felt a little relieved when things didn't seem like they'd get hostile with Russia. (Which with the way Hillary was talking, it sounded like she wanted to start some beef with Russia. Suddenly, Russia is looking like a possible enemy again?) Now this all makes me nervous.

I don't really have much more to say on this, other than I'm very nervous. Fuck, this whole year has made me nervous. 2016 was a shit-show, & it looks like it's ending on a shit-show note.

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