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Britt

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Can't stop looking back. [06 Feb 2017|01:42am]
[ mood | sad ]

I've been wondering why the nostalgia lately has been hitting me so hard, to the point where it almost hurts how bad i miss my high school days. I think I figured out why I long for the past so much: I don't have anything in the future to look forward to, so all I can do is look to the past, where I had better things going for me. (Even though I didn't think so at the time. Sixteen year old me didn't have a damn clue.)
I really have no direction in life. I graduated high school not knowing where I'd go or what i would do. Over a decade later, I still haven't figured that out, & I'm tired of going through the daily motions & the same dull routine. I keep looking back because things simply were better. I wasn't such an outcast, I wasn't as depressed, & I stood a better chance of getting my shit together at a younger age. There is no excitement anymore. There is nothing in the future to look forward to or plan for. All I can do is think back instead, & I've allowed myself to do it so much that it almost hurts to think about how I miss everyone, how I want to redo it, & how simple shit was.
I'm not quite sure how to snap myself out of this. I still don't know how to move forward. I can't keep living in the past. I'm looking at old pictures I took from PA, & looking at modern pictures & thinking about how I used to sit in the same cafeteria, in the same corner.... How I used to sit & play Uno with everyone, or get into food fights, or try to finagle money for the vending machines. I want to cry every time I do this, because I want it back so bad. I don't want to do what I'm doing anymore. I hate my existence right now. It's so mundane, & it has no future. All anyone can suggest to me is going to school. I never knew what to do when I graduated, & I still don't know what to do. Working my entire working "career" in retail has made it worse, as I really don't want to deal with the public at all anymore. Pair that with my extreme germophobia, to the point where I'm convinced I have OCD, & other stupid quirks I have, & I just don't think I have what it takes to make it. It's why I wish I was in high school all over again. If you were a socially awkward teenager with anxiety issues or other quirks, at least it didn't spell disaster for your life.

I miss the past. I miss it so much, it hurts. I miss my friends. I wasn't such an outcast then. I actually had friends. I'm a loner now. My post-school group of friends abandoned me because of something I did, & I guess karma didn't do enough justice to seek forgiveness... Which after recent thought, I'm not so sure I'm the one who should be seeking forgiveness. (Yet despite what everyone preaches, I would be the one making shit up. I can't possibly bring it up now anyway though. I don't think about it much. I still talk to the person responsible, as I've allowed myself to not realize what was truly happening, & then it gets all weird if I wonder what to seriously do. If only I had friends to discuss it with!)

I hate my life so much right now. I'm not even 30, & I already consider myself to be at a dead end. I just want to give up already, but you can't do anything if you cower in a corner & mope. (Which is all I ever want to do, & it makes my every day bullshit even more miserable & intolerable. It's literal hell to even walk out the door sometimes, & it feels like torture having to fake politeness & smiles. Every time I fake smile for customers at work, I feel like I"m dying more inside, & by the time I'm 8-9 hours into my shift, all I want to do is curl up & cry. I really am not cut out for this shit, I swear)

Meanwhile, I'll go back to listening to Lifehouse. Megan showed me this my freshman year, & somewhere I still have the disc she gave me. The same disc I"ve had since the end of 2001. Just the thought makes me want to cry. I wish I still had that Dragon Ball Z shirt she gave me for gym, as well as the PJ pants. I want that DBZ shirt again so bad. Lost it in the stupid fire. Another treasured part of my past, gone forever. Fuck.
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Final post for 2016. [31 Dec 2016|11:22pm]
[ mood | sad ]

I can't believe it. The year is over & a new one begins in less than an hour. (It's 11:05 as I begin to write this)

Was 2016 a good year? Not really.

Some good things did happen though! In February, I saw Obituary for the first time in years. Better yet, they opened for Cannibal Corpse. I don't think I could've asked for a better line-up! (Sure beats them opening for Kreator next year. I've gotta find out when that date is!) April rolled along, & I went back to NYC with Carrie. I went to Duff's for the Peter Steele Tribute Night, & I actually met half of Type O Negative! I met Johnny & I met Kenny. I was drunk though, so I probably made an ass of myself. I hope I didn't! I also got to try some awesome foods, & revisit one that I loved last year. I went to the Plaza Hotel & had a few expensive as fuck cocktails, a free disgusting one that someone turned his nose at because "it took too long, & in the same night, I went to a sold-out punk show & saw a fight that resulted in blood on the sidewalk. It was rad.

June was the NHRA race in Epping. Money was a bit tight, but my buddy Mohawk Mike managed to come through! His buddy scored VIP tickets & passes, so they hooked us up. It only got us in for one day, but I'll take it! The VIP pass was neat. We got to go into the hospitality area for Brittany Force & the Monster sponsership. (Mike must've been happy. He's addicted to that shit!) We even got our own private meet & greet with John Force Racing! It was neat.

August had a couple of highlights. I saw Black Sabbath for the first, & sadly the only, time. I got to see THE Black Sabbath, one of the ones who started it all. I don't think I need to explain why & how that's important.

Fast forward a week, & it was Korn & Rob Zombie. That show was killer, & I still get pumped about it.

So overall, it's been an okay year. That stuff offsets the bad, which there was a lot of. Many more celebrity deaths, & the realization that these celebrities that we adore so much are from a generation that is starting to slowly slip away. Lemmy started it, even though that was the end of 2015. Elie Wiesel, the author of Night, he passed away. Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia) & her mother Debbie Reynolds (Aggie Cromwell in Halloweentown), they just both passed away this week. Carrie passed on Tuesday, the 27th, & her mother on Wednesday, the 28th. So sad. The guy who played Father Flannigan on MASH just died today, exactly one year after Trapper John's actor. We lost George Michael, who I will forever remember for Careless Whisper. (And the Sexy Sax Man who would walk around malls & play it on his saxophone & get kicked out) David Bowie started out the year. There's so many more, I feel overwhelmed trying to remember. Oh, Peter Burns from Dead or Alive... He died, too. I know I"m forgetting important people. There was just so many. Muhammed Ali also died this year. We also lost Prince. We lost Gene Wilder. We lost Arnold Palmer as well. Even the big name Zsa Zsa Gabor died, with her adopted son passing away just a week later.

What a year. I suppose I don't have much more to say really.

I hope 2017 does prove to be a better year. I also hope I can finally accomplish that dream of losing weight this year. I hate how my body looks. I miss the old me. I laugh now because I thought I had quite a bit of weight in high school. I was underweight then! What I would give to go back to that problem & be that twiggy beanpole again.

Anyway.

-End Trasmission-

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Existential Crisis. [29 Dec 2016|05:29pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

A decade has gone since I graduated, & I feel this sense of dread & regret & embarrassment that I did absolutely nothing over the last decade to improve my circumstances in life. When I got hit with a couple of nasty curveballs a few years ago, I should've tried to make difficult life changes, & I didn't. I'm faced with that reality now, & I feel so overwhelmed that I don't know what to do. I feel like I've failed as a grown-up, that I still don't know what I'm doing, & I kind of feel like I'll be trapped in this nothing-limbo.

I have to make some difficult choices, but I'm not even sure where to begin or where to go. I've never attained any skills in the workforce that would be beneficial. I never figured out college. I remember being pressured about it in high school, but I couldn't figure out a career path that I could take that I wouldn't absolutely loathe. (Like medical) Even now, if I think about it, I don't even know what I would do. I think that ties back to the fact I've done nothing & attained no skills, & it's just a vicious loop in my head. :(

I was hit with a bad episode of this on Tuesday night, when I realized I worked at a shit job that didn't pay me enough to afford a roof over my head & car repairs, nevermind trying to save money or pay off an existing debt. I need a better job. I wasted my life working at shit jobs though. I have no experience. Go to college, but for what? College is no guarantee. I've seen people go to college & further their education, & get nowhere. It really dampened my perspective on things, especially after finding out that some places aren't accredited, & you coud spend money & go to school there & never get hired because there was a problem with your school. I'm also older than most graduates. Why hire someone like me when there's people who are fresher out of high school? Of course, the longer I dilly dally, the worse it gets. If only I could figure something out?

I've tried for data entry. I don't have experience though. How do I get experience if I can't get a job that gives me experience? Learn Microsoft Word, Excel, etc. I don't know Excel. Doesn't anyone use something other than Excel for entry? I liked the simple set-up for the Rewards, where you just type in the information into the fields & hit submit. I could do that for hours each day. I"d actually love doing that. Typing is the only thing I'm decent at. I can't get a job just based on that. No experience, no degree. Gotta go to school & get a degree to prove that you can type, or have a minimum of one year experience in data entry or even office work at the bare minimum. I don't know Excel, either.

I just suck at being an adult .That's all there is to it. My existence would've been fine fresh out of high school. It's not fine as a grown-up. I just suck at life I suppose. I don't know how to make the big steps. I don't even know where I want to take these big steps. I thought about moving out of Eric's mom's place & starting fresh, but I don't know how or where. My parents don't have a room to offer, nor do I want to go back there. I'd be starting exactly where I am elsewhere. No, I'd be worse. I'd be making minimum wage. Ugh.

My brain hurts.

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Like I'm in high school again. [22 Dec 2016|06:44pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

It's funny how things loop back around in time. In 8th grade, & into my freshman year even, I was big into Dragon Ball Z. I LOVED it. I remember running home from the bus stop to watch Dragon Ball Z, even though I had my VCR set to record it, & I couldn't get enough of it. I even got figurines & stuff. Later on in high school, I got into bands like Static-X & Korn.

Now it's 2016, & this year, I've gotten back into Korn with a new album, the first Korn album I've purchased since See You On the Other Side came out in 2006, & I got pulled into Dragon Ball Super & I'm obsessed with DBZ/DBS. When Eric & I were out Christmas shopping yesterday, he bought me a cold drink cup with Shenron on it, & it even had little dragon balls with liquid in them so you could freeze them like ice cubes to keep your drink cold. I even got a Dragon Ball Z winter hat. There was so much more I wanted, but I couldn't bring myself to have Eric spend so much on DBZ stuff for me. (I will have to go back for more of those cups) I even got a Dragon Ball Z mug the last time I was in Hot Topic, too, so I'm pretty excited about that.

I just feel like I'm in high school again. I'm BIG on DBZ right now & can't get enough, I can't stop listening to that Korn album that came out in October... It's looped back around. My reunion was supposed to be last month, my proper 10 year reunion, since I graduated a year late & didn't finish out until 2006. (No big deal though. It was an additional year of memories, even if Ms. Witte contributed to some awful ones)

Oh, & what else is ringing that bell of nostalgia? Monday, December 19th, made the 15 year anniversary since the first Lord of the Rings movie came out in theaters, The Fellowship of the Ring. I can't believe it's been 15 years. I remember when Jacob & his mother picked me up from the house when we had plans to go see a movie. It was my first proper date, & I remember Jacob asking me what I wanted to see. I told him I was interested in seeing the new Lord of the Rings movie. I still remember the look of surprise on his face when I said that, as I think he was expecting me to pick some sort of chick flick. He was like, "... Okay." His mother got a giggle. Turns out he was a fan of the books, so he had wanted to see the movie. I didn't even know they were based off of any kind of book. It just looked good, & some of that fantasy-type stuff has always been of interest, so I was interested.

Anyway, just some quick thoughts about old habits & interests circling around. Now I'm going to go back to listening to Dragon Ball Super music. Pizza is coming, so I'll be watching some episodes while I eat. I love this show.

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Slight improvement. [18 Dec 2016|10:36am]
[ mood | okay ]

I guess a few hours sleep helped out. I don't feel quite so mad like I did last night. I also have a coffee in hand, though I spilled some of it when I went to throw my purse onto my passenger seat & it clipped the cup. I suppose I really should look into getting a proper women's winter jacket, so I can use that stupid thing & not have it constantly fall off my shoulder. (I have a camo coat that was given to me after I lost my Columbia jacket in the fire, & I've never been able to go & get a real winter coat. I've never actually owned a ladies winter jacket, & I'm nearly 30!) Wish I could find one like Nicki (I'm not sure how her name is spelled) has, just a simple black coat with a hood & the fur trim. Faux of course. I've just recently discovered the joy of faux fur, namely with a blanket that I recklessly treated myself to. Bought it on a whim, debated returning it & being smart, & then it got cold & my room got really fucking cold, so it's staying. It's amazing how much that little throw warms me up!

Hmm, I can tell I'm in a better state of mind. I'm back to my rambling self. Is coffee & sleep really the cure? Well, tomorrow I get to snooze in a bit, & I'm definitely getting a coffee again tomorrow. It'll still be a busy day, especially with a bank stop I cannot miss. I got super lucky this year & I got a Christmas bonus again. Not only that, but it was double what it had been the last time. (This is the first job I've ever gotten any kind of bonus, & that's still a very, very new development) That'll get used to cover the Rammstein tickets I got. Merry Christmas to me?

Anyway, it's getting busy at work, so I'm going to wrap this up. I hate getting stopped mid-thought, because then I forget anything else I was thinking about, so this abruptly ends here.

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Positive? Here, does this count? [18 Dec 2016|12:48am]

Okay, here's some positivity so I can seem like I haven't entirely gone off the deep end.

I got Rammstein tickets today.

Bought a second ticket in hopes I can use it to persuade someone to come with/bring me there, so let's see if a free ticket will do the trick for a Rent-A-Friend for the weekend.

I guess I'm looking forward to that.

Six years & 7 days ago, I saw them for the first time at Madison Square Garden. Four years ago, in April of 2012, I saw them in Worcester & got that coveted pit experience, which is good because you'd never get pit tickets without paying out the ass now. December 11, just one week ago, I was thinking about that Madison Square Garden show & was thinking about how I wanted to see them again. The next day, boom. Lone East Coast date. It's a hike to Long Island, but fuck it. Maybe I can go see Peter Steele's grave & cry that he's gone.

So there's your positivity: I got concert tickets.

(Yes, I'll admit, getting that stuff of my chest helped. Would rather talk to a friend about how I feel, but seeing as how I haven't got any, this will do.)

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Why? [18 Dec 2016|12:39am]

Why did I grow up to be so fucking ugly? Why couldn't I have been beautiful like every other female I know? I want to cry when I see some of them because they grew up to be so beautiful, & here I am, overweight & lumpy & with the same god fucking awful face I've always had. I never blossomed. I never was beautiful. I never will be. I just want to go out in public & not keep my head down in shame because I look so awful. I just want to feel good about myself. I want people to actually like me because I look good, because I fucked up in the personality department, & no one gives a shit about personality anyway.

Fuck. I really hate everything about me. There is not one single fucking thing to like about me. Honestly, if I didn't have Eric, I'd seriously just say fuck all this & end it. My life is pathetic. I never did anything, I never looked good, I never was a good person no matter how hard I tried, I never made it in life. I'm destined to live the same cheap shit life & be miserable until the day I fucking die. Hell, I can't even get any fucking privacy because I suck & I live with someone's fucking nutbag of a mother & pay her out the ass in rent.

Oh wait, I can't, because I suck & work a fucking dead-end job that will NEVER go anywhere. I won't ever even fucking see a pay raise. I only stay here because I can't stand the public, & I know I'd lose my job quicker than you can imagine if I tried to go back to regular retail. Fuck, I can't even do my fucking job right because I can't fake being happy for the sake of a fucking sale. I can't play along with their stupid mindless banter. I can't put up with their stupid "jokes." Worst of all, I've lost all my patience with rude customers, & I can't keep my cool anymore. The last guy to piss me off? He thought it was fine to talk over me & yell over me to the manager? Nah, fuck him. I yelled at him back, did the whole finger pointing thing that everyone hates, & taunted him as he left. That would never fly, even if he was harassing me & threatening me. So fuck that. I can't even do retail because I fucking suck. I have no fucking skills in anything because I wasted my life doing nothing & figuring NOTHING out.

Why do I even exist? Seriously, what's the fucking point of me? I can't do shit. I'm not a good person. I'm not even good to look at & get ridiculed even as an adult BY adults. I can't get anywhere in life because I let myself get held down by bullshit. Fuck, even my relationship keeps me stuck in that shithole I have to call my house. (I would never call it "home." As far as I'm concerned, I'm bereft of a home, & have never had one to begin with) I thought about ending the relationship just so I can save me, but I can't do jack shit & would never succeed on my own, so I'm stuck. There's also the fact that I do love Eric, even though he probably can't stand me. (Maybe he feels stuck as well, but with our relationship? A lot of the time, I feel like we're just roommates) He's the only reason why I'm still here, & what is sort of holding the few threads that is my shit self together.

Pfft, listen to me. How in the world has he not dumped my ass? I really am a basket case. Alex M. was right. I am too depressing. He was the smart one & got away from me. At the time, when he dumped me, I didn't understand what he meant. Guess I was very stupid then, too. Ha, yeah, I was. I pushed everyone away with my "charming personality," the one that can't even save my sorry ass. I'll never forget Josh Chinn snapping at me because I made a nuisance of myself. Stupid me, desperate for a friend, & I blew it because I was a dumbass. Whatever though, he was right. I just keep forgetting to take that lesson to heart, & I slip & let some of my stupid self show. Hell, I even cracked a weird joke to Pam at Englishtown about sleeping in the car & dying in a wreck. I know she thinks I'm fucked up, but hey, it's true.

I'm just rambling now. I'm still angry, but I've lost my focus. All I know is, I hate myself. I hate every fucking part of myself. I am a complete waste of space, time, air, & everything else. I just wish I could fade to oblivion. Oh yeah, that's what started it all. My ugly fucking self. I purposely don't have a mirror in my bathroom because I hate myself. Maybe I should do drugs to try to get skinny. What's that shit that makes people thin? Crack? Meth? Fuck, who knows? I'd rather look withered & sullen than fat & dopey.

And thus ends my stupid, whiny rant. I probably sound like a stupid 16 year old. Not much has changed, huh?

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I am: [18 Dec 2016|12:09am]

Pathetic.

Fucking pathetic.

God I fucking hate myself.

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Retaliation. [16 Dec 2016|10:29am]

So the big news is supposedly Russia had a hand in our election & caused the results that we got via hacking. Consequently, Obama has said that "we will retaliate" against Russia "at a time and place of our own choosing,"

Am I the only one who gets really nervous about that? Call me crazy, but Russia is not someone I'd want to pick a fight with. I certainly don't want to see any days where Russia is our enemy, & this is one instance where I'm strongly in favor of peace instead of war. I may not have been crazy about Trump, but part of me felt a little relieved when things didn't seem like they'd get hostile with Russia. (Which with the way Hillary was talking, it sounded like she wanted to start some beef with Russia. Suddenly, Russia is looking like a possible enemy again?) Now this all makes me nervous.

I don't really have much more to say on this, other than I'm very nervous. Fuck, this whole year has made me nervous. 2016 was a shit-show, & it looks like it's ending on a shit-show note.

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I thought things were bad then. [03 Dec 2016|10:29pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

I was such a fool in high school. I remember reading through my old journals as I was copying them to save them, & there were lots of angry or upset rants because I was angry at my parents, or angry with the school. I thought shit was difficult then. I thought I had a lot on my plate then.

I was wrong.

I hate my life now more than I did in high school. As a teenager, I looked forward to a job, because there was no homework, no projects, no parents or teachers to get on your ass about anything & everything. With a job, you'd just work, & once you were home, that was it. The stress factor of your day was overwith, & you had nothing more to do related to that. That's what I thought anyway. Sure, I don't have homework, but I get a whole new set of problems.

Maybe I'm just not handling adulthood as well as most others. Maybe it's because the deck was so heavily stacked against me with all that transpired in 2012, with little blows here & there afterwards. My best friend dying, Tyler dying, my parents selling their house & moving, eviction, near-homelessness (if you can count going into debt by paying for a drug-house motel as a "house" anyway), my half-sister dying, Tom Golden dying & the regret that I never saw him after our weekend at Boothbay in 2011... Just all this stuff that kept happening after, & my inability to move on from a lot of this.

That's my problem. I hang on to the past too much. The past was better, I see that now. Consequently, I don't want to let it go. Every day that passes is another day that I'm slipping further away from the past. I was upset to realize that I've forgotten most of the names of my teachers from middle school. I don't want that to go so far back, that I can't remember. It doesn't feel like that long ago when I rode the bus, listening to Static-X on that tiny little Rio Carbon mp3 player. I still remember my friend's faces, & I'm not used to us getting older. (Hell, Natasha from back in 8th grade just turned 30 a couple days ago, & today is Ramey's 30th. My next birthday is my 30th. I'm not ready to face that, because then my teens are even further away. Turning 15 & getting Linkin Park CDs & stuff... It'll already have been 15 years prior. Hell, last year, Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory album turned 15. Fifteen years old! Where the hell has that amount of time gone?! I remember when it was new! It doesn't seem that old!

I feel like things are spiraling out of control. Time, stress, money... I just want everything to stop. It's all too much, & it's all too fast. I haven't even gotten a chance to do much of anything. This is my last year in my 20's, & I'm spending it doing nothing. Before I know it, I'll be too old to do silly stuff. Hell, it's starting to get weird watching Pirates of the Caribbean, which was brand new in high school & all of us teenagers loved. It's so depressing.

I just wanted to rant. I miss the past. I hate the present. I want everything back. I wonder if it's possible to go check out my old high school again? Would it be weird for a 29 year old just to walk around & check out the school? Probably. The school would probably think I'm weird, or say that adults can't do that because of the teenagers around. I just want to see what's changed, & I just want to see my old classrooms & the cafeteria & the library... I'm curious what the computer labs look like now. Have the laptop carts been replaced with tablet carts or something? How does this all work now? I still have my old backpack from school. Just an hour ago, I saw all my old French notes, & I still have the large flaming Static-X logo printed on a sheet of paper in that orange file folder thing. (Back when Wayne was alive.. God, that's happened too.)

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Figures. [03 Dec 2016|10:27am]
[ mood | sad ]

I suppose when I'm older, I'll look back at my 20's & think about how miserable they were. I spent my 20's by myself, & I considered playing World of Warcraft & talking with online friends, "hanging out," like a real dork. When I was younger, I told myself I was going to change to a type of person that wouldn't be constantly rejected, isolated, bullied, & despised. I think I did okay in high school, as no one really knew who I was until my senior year, until the Adderall fiasco had some of the school thinking I sold drugs. (I laugh at that, because I didn't even know what weed smelled like. I really was clueless in school)

Things were looking okay until my early 20's. I noticed I wasn't proving myself useful to anyone anymore. I had turned 21, but I was a Goodie-Goodie & refused to always go & buy beer for underage friends. I did not feel comfortable doing it, & when they expressed their irritation, it made me want to do it even less. Ultimately, these people sacked me when I did something unforgiveable. I cheated on Carl. Yeah, big mistake on my part, & I was cast away as a cheating whore. They even tried to tell Carl that I must've been cheating on him for some time. What they DIDN'T know... Well, I'll save that for later in this entry, but I'm not so sure I was entirely in the wrong anymore. Of course, at the time, I was the big cheating whore & I was a cunt, & I was cast aside. I was really uspet by it for a while, as I was flung from the group I had considered my friends, & suddenly found myself alone.

I thought I was fine. I told myself, "If they cast you aside that easily, they weren't really friends." For a while, it worked. At least, until I realized I spent more & more time drinking. I was miserable, & I didn't know what to do. I'd find myself alone, & just drink because it made me forget how sad & pathetic I was. It worked for a while, but after a while, not even alcohol makes you forget. Eventually, I had to work on cutting back on drinking. I still drink more than I should, but it's not anywhere near as back as it was 4 or 5 years ago.

I tried to make new friends via Eric's circle of friends & acquaintences. It sort of worked, but I still never really felt accepted. I didn't feel like I belonged. I still don't feel like I belong. I've let some of my stupid side slip & said something awkward or told a lame joke, or just got annoying. Resume process of isolating myself because I'm stupid & not able to socialize normally, & it's back to where I was. I still missed my old "friends," & wished I could associate with them again. I even started missing friends from school in the worst way, especially as the 10 year reunion mark came around.

Just this past week, some news appeared that caught me by surprise. In my absense from the metal group I once hung out with, I had no idea what was going on with anyone anymore. (I still don't entirely know what's going on.) Someone I used to talk to & hang out with at shows, she had passed away from what seemed to be a drug-related cause. It shocked me, but I think what got me more was the comments people had left, saying that they had to mentally prepare themselves for this outcome. I had no idea, so to hear of her passing, all I could think about was the old shows I used to go to, & hanging out outside with people blabbing, including her. It made me miss everyone again, & I had a moment of positivity & wanted to try to associate again. I'm tired of being a hermit. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being that fat, awkward, stupid girl that no one talks to. Well, that bubble didn't last long.

I've made a few feeble attempts at trying to talk to people a little more, but it's like it's fallen on deaf ears. No one wants to listen. No one wants to acknowledge me. And here I am, tumbling back into my hermit hell, realizing that I'll never be the type of person that can go socialize. All I have is Eric, so I'm not technically all alone, but he's gone at work all the time & I'm left to my own devices. Ultimately, I do end up feeling alone because it's just me, sitting by myself, wondering what to do or where to go, & being upset that I never have anywhere to go. I'm so much of a loser, I sit in my car in random parking lots when I need to get out of the house, because I don't have friends to socialize with. I'm just that miserable & lame of a person, & I don't know why I even bothered with the positivity. I will forever be the fat, awkward girl that no one wants to talk to. I did stupid stuff. I said stupid things. No one will ever let me grow & learn from these mistakes.

There's more I have to say on this related to one of these "mistakes," but it's EXTREMELY personal, to the point where I don't even feel comfortable discussing it. (But I should) I'm going to post that separately in a more restricted entry. I want to get it off my chest, because I haven't given myself a chance to put it in writing & come to terms with it, but I'm not ready to share it so freely.
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Silence. [23 Nov 2016|11:02am]
[ mood | angry ]

In lieu of recent events, I have chosen to remain silent. I don't care to speak up. I'd explain how stressed & upset everything is making me, but to say so is an act of racism. My decision to stay silent is also a sign of racism. You can't do anything without criticism or accusations. There is no staying neutral, as doing so is a bad move. I won't elaborate more, because I can't. I don't wish to receive any more threats or be harassed any more. I just wish this hostility would cease. I just wish that the phrase "Love Trumps Hate" would finally ring through, & instead of hatred, we respond with love to drown out this hatred that has gripped our country.

Again, wishing such a thing though, it's a bad move on my part. Violence is desired by many. I don't wish for that. I'm an asshole for it, & it upsets me that I'm considered an asshole for it.

In my own personal life, things have not been well. Just as soon as I thought I could finally start getting my shit together for the first time in years, I get more little setbacks that are just big enough to undo any progress I've made. I'm not in the best of moods & not in the best mindset today because I'm so angry & upset about things. Any time there's any positive, there's at least two negatives to cancel it out & set me back. I have been dealing with this since 2012, & I can't win. Who would've thought a house fire & a car accident just two months later would cost me so much, including one of my jobs? That was the biggest setback. I was out of work for too long. I came back, & management had changed, & I got the biggest asshole of them all. He did not care for me, for reasons I never could figure out. The rumors were that it was because I wasn't cute, young & pretty. His "team" were all pretty young cashiers. Hell, he event went against company policy & had one of these cute little girls managing high ticket items on Black Friday when it should've been the IA, which the IA was NOT happy to hear she had been sent away to do menial tasks. To this day he still avoids me, because he knew he fucked me. The worst part is, he doesn't know, & he wouldn't care anyway, how bad he screwed me. Costing me a job, so I lost a place to live, forcing me to pay money I didn't have to live in a crack motel with drug addicts & prostitutes & drunken scumbags who liked to cat-call me or stalk me to the point I had to wait for my boyfriend to walk me to our room. Thank you for fucking me like that Gene. If you hadn't shitcanned me, I could've afforded that security deposit for the apartment we tried for, & I could've had a proper place to call home. You couldn't even work up the fucking courage to TELL ME that I was done, & I found out by finding my employee numbers erased from the system & calling HR to find out what the hell was going on. (Lot of good it did calling them, too.)

Wow, I really am not in a good place today. I'm going to go. I don't feel good, & I need to make some phone calls.

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Election Day. [08 Nov 2016|10:57pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

I won't get into it much, as I wasn't definitive on a candidate of choice anyway, but all I know is that I am afraid of what the results may be of this election. This year's election has been a shit-show, to say the least, & I am very afraid of what may be in the morning. I've been purposely avoiding news coverage because I'm afraid to see what's going on.

I will admit, I did enjoy a cute video that I saw online a little while ago from an animal rescue organization that related to the election. It was one of those live streams of a kitten play room, & in the room were two litter boxes. Behind each one, there was a picture of Trump & Hillary, with a tally flipcard thing to keep score. The caption? "Our kittens are dropping their vote LIVE!" When I tuned in, Trump had one "vote." It was cute, but I missed the end of the live stream, so I'm not sure if anything else happened. It was cute to see!

In 2012, on November 7th to be exact, I had made a post on Facebook talking about how I had put on The Weather Channel to get away from all the political coverage then. I did the same thing today, & The Weather Channel actually had something on called "Escape The Election." The description for the program: "Clouds, rainbows, autumn splendor and smooth jazz evoke transquility." It was pretty nature scenery with piano music playing. I couldn't help but laugh. Kudos to TWC for that. I ended up throwing on Netflix, & in a weird sense of humor, i put on Armageddon Day.

I've got on Dragon Ball Super right now. Been enjoying this, since I can watch it whenever thanks to Crunchyroll. It's a bit exciting. I haven't seen anything new in the Dragon Ball universe in some time. The Majin Buu saga in DBZ came on when I was just starting high school, & GT also came around as well. I fell behind on these though, which I regret immensely. I remember when GT was almost legendary at school, & my friend & I actually tried to find episodes of GT online on shitty dial-up internet to watch.

Anyway, gonna distract myself with this show. I don't want to think about this election stuff too much. I'm not even sure why I came to write here today. I don't have much to say, other than I dread this election stuff. Urgh.

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Serenity of Suffering [22 Oct 2016|12:09pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

So here I am, in 2016, listening to a brand new Korn album that just came out yesterday. I have not bought a Korn CD since 2006, when See You On The Other Side was released. (I remember buying it, too. I was excited that I found it priced at $14.99 for a deluxe edition at the FYE at Steeplegate, & turns out it was mispriced. I lucked out because it should've been over $20, but I got it for the sticker price) After that album, I stopped listening to Korn. It was part of my old life, the old me.

When I saw Korn in August with Rob Zombie, it just brought back all the memories. The entire setlist, except for two songs, were all songs I would've known & listened to when I stopped listening to them. It was the perfect setlist, almost as if I had seem them a decade ago. The two songs in question, Insane & Rotting In Vain, both reminded me of the older Korn I knew & loved, especially Rotting. (When they released A Different World with Corey Taylor, the beginning reminded me so much of "Beat It Upright" off of Untouchables) It was great. I bought an autographed poster, which came with a digital download card for the album, so I'm listening to it right now. I must admit, I'm enjoying what I'm hearing, so I think I'll go buy the actual CD next week... Marking my first Korn CD purchase since I was a teenager.

Ugh, the nostalgia is hitting me so hard. It almost hurts to think about how that point in my life is slipping further & further away from me. I miss so much from it, including how I though school was a struggle. (Ha!) The hours of sitting on Yahoo Pool, Yahoo chatroom Harry Potter role plays (I miss us Chaos Marauders!), Runescape, AIM/MSN & funny away messages, the video rental place at the Epsom circle & walking to it for the new X-Men movie, Static-X & Korn, my old friends, funny memories at school like Seth doing that shadow dancing to "The Trance is the Motion" when we were testing the speakers & projectors for a movie screening that night in the auditorium... I miss it all. I miss Seth, David D, Tyler Wandless (RIP), Stacy, & of course Stacey S, Mike S., Marissa, Lisa, Joe, Ian, AmySue, Justin, Patrice, Tom Golden (RIP), Angie, Rebecca, Brian, Jeremy, Renee, Josh, Brandon, Sean & his brother Scott, Chris J., the funny guys on the bus Greg &.. Oh dear, I forgot his name. I'll have to check the yearbook on that one, but Greg & him would throw snowballs at people, they hung tampons on the lights on the bus, & of course, our bus driver John. I do miss that guy. I do not miss the strict lady who treated us like children with threats of assigned seats & requesting permission to move seats even when the bus was stopped. Her baby also drove me fucking mad. Thank goodness for that mp3 CD player I won at the homecoming raffle & some headphones! I wish I knew where that was! I've been trying to find it, & I can't! Gosh, so many people I miss though. I miss Anime Club! I wish that had actually been something more. If only I could reunite us & make a sort of adults Anime Club. (Not adult anime material. We're just all adults now)

Ugh, nostalgia is getting to me big time. I get so upset when I think about it because it was a better time in my life, even if I didn't have my heavy metal music, & I miss everyone & miss so many things. (Including our old house! I'm still so upset my parents sold it. It eats away at me every time I think about it) It's slipping further & further away from me, & I'm getting older. It's just upsetting. I should go.

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Deerfield Fair, clowns, & more. [04 Oct 2016|12:55pm]
[ mood | exanimate ]

So it's been a wee little bit since I last updated, so I suppose I should update.

The only thing I remember doing since the 20th was going to the Deerfield Fair. Money was tight, particularly since I was supposed to go to Screeemfest with Shana on Sunday, but I still had fun. I had to pass up my usual traditions of cider donuts, hot cider from Hackleboro Orchards waaay in the back, & even the garlic grilled cheese from the Solar Cafe, but I still got my R&J Pizza, my Bayou Billy soda (with my 2006 mug that Kyle got for me to replace the one I lost in the fire), & a buffalo burger. I didn't see anyone I knew from school, though I did briefly spot my former coworker Ali. Brian & Jean were there & we met up in the poultry barn. We had a lot of fun wandering around, & the weather was the best day all weekend. It was cool & rainy the rest of the weekend, so we picked the best day.

I mentioned clowns in the subject. The reason for this is because this year's latest trend is people dressing up as clowns & appearing everywhere. It sounds harmless & just plain weird & creepy, but some people have taken it too far. A friend of mine spotted one by the woods when she was walking from the laundry building, & apparently he started yelling threats. She ran back & hid until the police showed up, where she later found out that the clown had run off into the woods & had threatened someone else with a knife right near her apartment complex. It's not the first time I've heard of it, either. It's all over the news these days, & there's even a Facebook account called Aint Clownin Around that's posting status updates that could get the poster arrested. Some people have threatened to fight back against these clowns via violence, which makes me hope that no one dresses for a clown this Halloween, for their safety's sake. I just skimmed through some more, & even WMUR had an article about a possible armed person on a college campus that was dressed as a clown. Shit's getting out of hand.

I feel like I've done something else since the 20th, but I can't recall what. I did buy my first professional print from a concert, & got in touch with someone who took photos at the Rob Zombie/Korn show. The prices were higher than I was expecting though, much higher, so I had to settle for one large print. I picked one of Rob Zombie from early on in the set, with all the red lights when he was wearing his fringed jacket. It came out amazing!! The colors, the details, & I even got it as a 20x30 print, so you could see these details clearly. I definitely plan to get more prints, but with all the car repairs I need to do, it won't be for a wee little bit. I should see if I can send her a friend request so I can get back in touch easily. Wish I thought to ask her when she was here! (Ah yes, she personally dropped off my print when I was at work last week. I bought a frame that morning for it, & she helped me put it in the frame. It looks amazing!)

Oh! Harry Potter is coming back to IMAX theaters! I'm still hoping some show times appear near me, at a theater close to me, but I hope to at least catch one or two! Of all the movies, I badly want to see Deathly Hallows Part 2 in theaters. That was my favorite, since it was so epic. The tear-jerker scene of Snape's death is also in that movie... That scene makes me cry every time, especially now that Alan Rickman has indeed passed away. I posted a comment on the post that the official IMAX page made, so hopefully I hear back & I see that they do indeed plan on screening it SOMEWHERE near me. Most of the other theaters I see seem to be Regal theaters, so I may have to drive a bit to see it. I'm not sure where the closest Regal theater is to me, but I may opt to hit up the old theater I used to go to when I went to high school. (Where they did a marathon for all three Lord of the Rings movies when The Return of the King came out, but I was in high school & wasn't able to go that day. I THINK we may have had a snow day that day, but my parents always refused to drive me anywhere. They even cancelled my appointment for a consultation for braces because of snow, & so I never got my braces. I wish that had panned out, as my teeth look awful & the crowding makes it hard to floss without slicing into my gums)

I think that's about all that I care to write about. I've got more pressing things to worry about, like my bladder. Ciao!

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Space Ghost Coast to Coast. [20 Sep 2016|11:27am]

I won't make a lengthy update, as I'm not feeling too great today, but I did think it was worth noting a sad passing.

C. Martin Croker, who voiced Moltar & Zorak on Space Ghost Coast to Coast, passed away on Sunday, the 18th. I was just telling Scott on Thursday about how I missed watching that show, after watching Robot Chicken & seeing something at the end of the show that made me think about Space Ghost. I used to watch that show all the time, even if it didn't always make sense to me, back when I was a lot younger, so to hear of Martin's passing was a big bummer.

Adult Swim posted a few things about it, & even made almost every episode available online for free, with no log-in required. I do wish the episodes would end up on Netflix, so I could stream them onto the TV, but I'll be watching that later on. Well, someday anyway. Eric's car is officially dead & needs a new motor, so we've been reduced to one car for the majority of September. It's such a drag because it means I've had no time to leave my car anywhere for repairs, though it's not like I can afford them anyway. I've got $20 to last me until... Well, who knows when? I get paid this Friday, but the entire paycheck as to go to his mother for rent.

Anyway, that's about all I've got to say.

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Rob Zombie & Korn... At long last. [04 Sep 2016|07:08pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

The big thing I'm most excited about? I saw two concerts in the last week & a half, at a venue that I hadn't been to since June of 2008, when I saw Iron Maiden for the first time.

Thursday, August 25th, my brother & his girlfriend carpooled down with us to go see the mighty Black Sabbath, one of the godfathers of heavy metal, a true legend. They're on their The End tour, which is supposed to be their final tour ever. Their last US date ever is November, & then they'll end the tour in the UK, & that's supposed to be it. No more Black Sabbath. I'm very happy to say that I've seen THE Black Sabbath. We got there early, in a LOT of traffic, hung out & watched people tailgate & had some hard ciders in the lot, & headed on it. It was MOBBED there. Absolutely mobbed. We managed to get to our seats just a minute before they started, if that. They put on a great show & played a lot of great songs, though I had hoped to hear Electric Funeral. On the way out, I hit up the merch stand, because I just HAD to get a shirt. $40 a shirt though. Yikes.

As neat as that was, I was most excited for the next show just three days later at the same venue: Korn & Rob Zombie on their Return of the Dreads tour. A couple of weeks beforehand, the boss at work decided I worked too many Sundays & removed me from the rest of the Sundays of the month, & I had to take all the Fridays & Saturdays for all of August & the first part of September. As irked as I was, I realized this presented an opportunity: I now had the day of the show off, & on a whim, I bought a ticket. I bought a ticket for Section 13, thinking it was under the covered part of the pavilion, & I just thought, "Well I loved them in high school, I'm just going for the nostalgia. That's a good enough seat for me." However, when we went to Black Sabbath & went to find our seats, I noticed the section numbers & realized that the section I got tickets for wasn't even in the covered part of the pavilion & was a lot further back than I had thought. This troubled me, as I DID want to be close enough to see. (I thought I would've been about as close as I was for Iron Maiden, the last time I had been there. Apparently 8 years had made me forget the layout) The very next day, I opted to just see how much a closer ticket would be, & was surprised to learn that the closest tickets were $59 before fees. I mulled it over all day long, & nearly missed my chance, as I noticed a couple half-rows of seats from the aisle in that were still available. When the aisle seats became available again, when someone decided not to purchase them, I pounced & bought a ticket. I was then left wondering what to do about the seat I already had. I threw them for sale on the ticket site, & thought that the worst case scenario, I could look for those "Got any extra tickets?" folks outside the venue. Luckily, the ticket sold the very next morning, which ultimately bumped down my final cost for getting a seat to something like $40. Not bad at all!

I got a ride down with Rick H. He met me at the Salem store, since my car is in no shape for lengthy drives anywhere. We got there at a decent time, & there was hardly any traffic, & we parked over in Lot 10. (A huge improvement over Lot B, where we were for Sabbath) It was just one lot back from where we tailgated for Iron Maiden, & we people watched for a while before heading in. In This Moment was the opener for the show, a band I'm not very keen on, so I took the time to look at merch, check the beer carts, & chit-chat with Rick & Steve B. I had hoped that, despite the high costs of a beer, I would find a cart selling cans of Stella Artois Cidre ,after seeing cans on the ground at Sabbath, but no such luck. About 10 minutes before Zombie hit the stage, we all went to go find our seats. I had a Section 1 seat, Row T, so off I went to find my seat. I was surprised at how close even the back of Section 1 was, & was thinking, "There's no way I could've gotten THAT lucky!" Sure enough, after showing my ticket to a staff member, I was waved on to head down to my seat. I walked by the box seats, which were really quite cool in the fact that they were individual to 3 seats in a separate boxed area with a little table. Down I went, until I hit Row T, & I could not believe how close my seat was! The GA pit was right in front of me! I took a few pictures so I could remember how close I was exactly, before the lights hit just a few moments later. The fun then ensued from there.

Rob Zombie went on before Korn, so the lights hit, & there was an opening track being played leading up to the band's entrance. Upon entering the stage, they kicked right into Superbeast, one of the songs I did know. (I hadn't kept up with Korn or Rob Zombie after graduating high school, so anything newer, I wasn't familiar with) I had thought I'd be recording a song or two, but the energy was so high & it was so much fun, I recorded only a few clips. I had one of those "Whoa!" kind of moments when a giant Devil appeared on the stage behind Rob & seemed to dance around, & throughout their set they had other interesting stage props. Later on in the set, during the song "Everybody's Fucking in a UFO," they had a guy in a giant robot suit walking around on stage. This, of course, came after the alien race that Rob did, when he threw two inflatable aliens into the crowd with giant penises taped to their front. (Of course, those got ripped off real quick) I took a quick clip during that, & you can see the aliens going back & back as Rob is chanting, "Come on come on come on, ET!" & more. Rob was so quick & nimble on stage as well, reminding me of my buddy Bruce! The guy is 50 years old, & yet he's jumping & spinning around on the stage, kicking & sliding & more. It was all so high energy & so much fun, I ended up being very surprised by how much I really really liked the set. They played other songs I didn't really know ,as well as a few of the classics I did know, like Living Dead Girl (with a "IF YOU WANT TO FUCKING PARTY, SAY ' I WANNA FUCKING PARTY!'"! by Rob to get the crowd going before leading off with "What I really really really really really need is a Living. Dead. Girl.") Never Gonna Stop was also played, More Human than Human was played, & of course, they ended off their set (after a brief trailer for Rob'z new film "31") with Dragula. It was AMAZING, & as soon as I walked out of the seats between sets, I knew I was going to have to see them again.

After Rob Zombie, I briefly met with Rick & Steve, before we all split ways. I opted to see if the charging hub would charge my camera, since the charging outlet on my camera is the same as most Android phones. The cord fit, but no one's Android devices were charging, so I was bummed about that. As I started to head back, I walked by a beer cart that had a few taps, including Angry Orchard. Despite the $13.50 price tag for something like 24oz of cider, I got one & went to wash up real quick in the restroom. As I was leaving, someone found a green iPhone & had asked if there was a Lost & Found around. The cleaning lady couldn't understand her, so the rest of us ladies suggested maybe at security by where tickets were scanned or over by one of the ticket kiosks at the entrance to find out where to go. As I headed back up to my seat, I walked by a girl who was telling two guys she was with that she was pissed that she was going to have to buy a new phone & that she couldn't believe she lost her phone. I asked her, "Was it green?" She said, "Yes! It's an iPhone!" So I told her about the girl who found it & told her where the other girl had gone to try to find a Lost & Found. One of her buddies Cheers'd me & said it was awesome timing that I happened to be walking by when I did, so I hope I successfully accomplished a good deed & she got her phone back.

I got back to my seat, cider in hand, & not long after Korn started. They started out with a building intro that gave me goosebumps. Korn, the band I loved for so long in high school, was about to hit the stage. I had wanted to see them live since my sophomore year in high school or so, & I was finally about to see them. I had snuck a quick peek at their setlist online before the show, & was pleased to see that all but two songs were all songs I would've seen live if I had seen them in 2006, when I graduated. They started off with Right Now, & lead off into other great songs like Got The Life, Y'all Wanna Single, Coming Undone, Make Me Bad, & more. For even older material, they delved into Shoots & Ladders, & I was SO HAPPY to see Jonathan Davis play the bagpipes. They also did Blind, & they also did Twist, where I was able to see the original scat-style vocal song. (The scat made appearances in Freak on a Leash & also in their new song, Rotting in Vain) The new songs were pretty awesome, too, which I knew those after seeing the videos online. I love the new song Rotting, & Insane grew on me. It was neat. They finished off with Freak on a Leash, & that was it. Something I had waited over a decade to see had finally come to an end. A long-time (10+ year) goal had finally been checked off my To-Do list, & my inner 16 year old couldn't have been any more thrilled. (If only I could tell the old me how awesome it was & that I'd see them someday!)

I was so pumped about the show of course, I went against my original decision about buying merch & bought a Rob Zombie t-shirt & an autographed Korn poster that came with a little card for a free digital download of their new album coming out in October. (I would've gotten a Korn shirt, but I just didn't see one I was in love with. After spending $40 on a shirt at Black Sabbath, $35 wasn't much better, & I did have to be at least somewhat mindful) We made it back out to the lot after running into Steve again, & we hung out in the parking lot. Steve ran into a friend who had obtained VIP/Meet & Green passes, & he had three guitar picks from Munky, & gave one to Steve. (Jealous!) We hung out for probably half an hour before parking attendants pointed out a way we could exit without waiting in the standstill traffic that had lined up in the aisles. We made it out in no time, & got to the highway very quickly, & we made it back with no problem. I got back home before Eric did, & tried to fall asleep sometime before 4 so I could get SOME sleep before a 12 hour shift at work the next day.

I know I got very detailed about this one, but holy shit, I'm STILL pumped about this show. I'm still watching my clips, wanting to go see them again. I tried to find a way to Hartford to see them on Thursday, as I could've gotten a front row seat OR a pit ticket, but no one could go. It worked out for the better anyway.

I woke up Thursday morning with my upper left eyelid so puffy, I could barely open my eye. I went to Urgent Care walk-in clinic on Friday, because it hadn't entirely gone away, & another rash of sorts developed on my upper left arm. I wanted answers as to why I was constantly having issues. On the plus side, I was happy to learn it wasn't bug bites of any kind, so no spiders or gross things. The doctor said it was hives, which was an allergic reaction to something. What exactly, I don't know. I'd have to see a specialist for that test. They did run some basic bloodwork to check liver & kidneys, just to rule out anything like Lyme I'm suspecting, & my bloodwork came back just fine. So the good news is, it's not anything I need to worry about as far as bugs go. The BAD news is, I'm now allergic to something, & I have NO idea what. My diet has not changed, & Eric did start using a Febreeze fabric refresher in the washing machine as well as use his mother's detergent, but the doctor believed it was something I was ingesting. Not sure if it's a food I'm eating, or if it's from air fresheners or incense or what. I'll have to dig up a notebook & keep a log of what I'm eating or when I'm using cleaner/fresheners, & see if I can notice a pattern. I hope it's not something on my Subway sub! Probably not though, unless I'm allergic to mayo or pepperoni or salami now or something. I did start putting spinach on my sandwich, but this issue has been going on since before I started doing that. I hope I can get that allergy test done sooner rather than later. I did get prescribed a steroid of sorts to help clear it up, & it's working. I woke up to my left arm breaking out Friday morning. It should've still been very red & ugly, & it's nearly entirely gone away. (I made the mistake of scratching it yesterday, so that didn't help) My eyelid looks a thousand times better, too, which unfortunately the doctor did say it was related.

I guess that's about it. I should finish work stuff. I wanted to write about this sooner, as Rob Zombie was a week ago already. So much fun! I also learned I have indeed developed an allergy to something, & have to go make appointments to try to figure out what. Boo. Anyway, that's that!

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Steve Irwin... A decade later. [04 Sep 2016|05:53pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

Going to write two separate entries, as the last week & 3 days have been eventful. (In a mostly positive way!) However, a quick skim at a TV Guide brought today's date into attention. Animal Planet was doing a marathon of The Crocodile Hunter, & when I spotted that, I realized what the date was. September 4, 2006, Steve Irwin died.

The thing that took me by surprise the most was when I realized shortly afterwards that it had been a decade. I saw Steve's name appearing on the Trending list on Facebook, after a letter was revealed that he had written to his parents that was discovered after his passing. I knew that the date was coming up very soon, as I knew it was early September. It came up quick. Then when I realized it's been a decade exactly? Mind-blowing. It's hard to believe that someone I looked up to a lot as a child, has been gone for 10 years to the day.

I remember I was sitting in Maine. Hell, I probably have an entry here in Livejournal about it. I just looked it up... It's right here: <a href="http://users.livejournal.com/--irrylath--/171374.html">Steve Irwin entry</a> from 10 years ago. Just as I remembered, I was sitting in Maine. I remember I was sitting at the breakfast counter when I heard. It bummed me out so hard. He worked around so many animals, he seemed invincible, as most idols do when you've watched them since childhood. Most people were surprised that a stingray was responsible. I was surprised. I remember hearing about dead stingrays appearing on beaches with their tails cut off, & it made news as it was thought to be retaliation against the animals for Steve's death. Since then, an official determination deemed that it was just fishermen who accidentally caught stingrays & cut the tails off to avoid being stung. No idea if it's true, but that's been something that I had read more recently.

I suppose that's all I've got to say about that. I shall write a second entry, at least between customers anyway, detailing what happened this past week, including something that I've wanted to do since I was 15, maybe 16 at the latest.

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A high school dream coming true. [20 Aug 2016|11:55pm]
[ mood | excited ]

An opportunity had just presented itself to me. The boss didn't want me working every Sunday, so he made me switch off from Sundays & I have to work Fridays & Saturdays until who knows when, which unexpectedly gave me the next two Sundays off. Nothing going on tomorrow, so it'll be an easy day, which I so badly need.

Sunday, the 28th, I will finally achieve a dream that I've had since high school. I will be seeing Korn & Rob Zombie live. After realizing yesterday that I have the day of the show off, I glanced at tickets, wondering if there were even any left. There was, & for an affordable price, I nabbed a ticket for myself. I'm not sitting with my friend who's driving me down, but I'm so excited ,I don't even care.

If only I could tell 16 year old me that I'm going to go see Korn! Rob Zombie, too! I'm pretty stoked & can't wait to see what they play! I couldn't help it, I took a sneak peek at a setlist from about 10 days ago from Korn, & was very surprised to see lots of stuff I know, so I should be VERY happy. Rob Zombie, it'll have a lot of newer stuff, but I do look forward to hearing some of my old favorites. :D

If only Wayne Static hadn't passed away, & if only he & Tony hadn't been in a feud. I would've loved to have seen Static-X live, as I listened to them as much as I did Korn.

I don't even care how silly I sound. My inner high school self is very excited. Gonna go! Off on a Korn listening spree! (Also, yay for a POSITIVE update for a change! Today was a bad day, but now that I'm off work & can just focus on myself right now & just listen to my tunes, I'm in a better mood!)

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I hate my temper. [14 Aug 2016|02:43pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Sometimes my temper sucks. It sucks when you've got a hot-head & you work retail. I'm beyond embarrassed because I just snapped at someone because I had to use the bathroom real bad, & I was getting so angry, I was quite frank about why I was rushing them.

I'm freaking out because it was unprofessional of me & I know he'll complain. It's a regular customer. He always takes a while, but today he was taking forever & ever. I had to pee, & I debated asking him to wait outside, but I made the mistake of trying to wait until he was done so that way he would be gone & I wouldn't have to think about how a customer was waiting while I pee'd. (Especially since I'm slow in the bathroom. I've irked people in other places with how long I take in the bathroom) After an hour & 25 minutes waiting, I was finally about to say something, & he finally came up. I then got even more mad because he didn't notice the sale signs & missed his free shit, & I stood there wondering if I should make one last attempt at being a good little doobie & telling him to get his freebie, or thinking "fuck him, it's his own fault for spending so long in here & not noticing something." I opted to be the good little doobie & told him, figuring he had spent a LOT of time in here & may remember one he liked. No, he starts to browse for that freebie, & I groaned because I just want to go pee & my bladder was seriously starting to hurt. I told him that I was on the brink of peeing my pants & I was in a bit of pain, & just told him to pick something. By then, I was quite mad, so as I was trying to ring him out, I started to shake. It's making me even more mad because I'm not keeping my cool, & part of me didn't care. As soon as he was done, I hurried to lock up behind him & I literally sprinted to the bathroom. (I didn't even realize I was running until I was halfway to the back door)

So now I'm embarrassed because I lost my cool & I'm gonna hear it & it's gonna make shit super awkward when I see him again, which I will because he's here all the time. That's why I can't stand it when they take so long when they're here so regularly. Unlike other stores, we don't restock shit all that often, so it's not like anything changed every time they come in. I also don't understand how someone can spend that long in a store. Enchantments in Maine is my all-time favorite store, & I love to look around before getting something, but even I can't spend that long in there. (And there's a LOT more shit to look at) I'm just not that type of person. When I go to a store, I know what I want & just get straight to it.

I just wanted to write because I always overly freak out about stuff. I called a CW to explain what happened & try to calm down, & she was telling me that I shouldn't be so worried about it. "You had to pee. What could you do?" I could've handled myself a little better. I'm most embarrassed by the fact my hands were shaking as I was trying to count the money, which that just made me more mad & made things worse. (It's like when I appeared star-struck talking to a guy form American Chopper, & not even a major character. I was worried I'd say or do something stupid to make an idiot of myself, & worried about it so much, I did it anyway. I got so embarrassed, it kept rolling, & I got even more embarrassed. I worried about that for some time, thinking that this person thought I was a damn moron) My brain over-worries & replays embarrassing stuff in my head over & over. I hope it's not a big deal, but my brain is making it a VERY big deal so I'm not happy & embarrassed & still a little mad & wishing I wasn't here today.

I hope he comes back next week Sunday. I got removed from Sundays on the schedule so the bosses can see how other employees do on Sundays, so I won't be here. I don't want to see this customer again.

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