I woke up with the biggest headache this morning, dreading the day that follows. The headache still hasn't gone away, and my day hasn't gotten much better, though Andrew did help a little this morning. I get to school and Junior is already bitching about how he wants to smoke and leave, yes, thank you, I am trying to quit that shit you know. Then there was ofcourse no talking between me and Sean, whis is expected but I still wish I knew what to say to him. The look in his eyes when he looks at me kills me, but there is nothing I can do I suppose. When it rains, it pours. At this point, I'm no longer even hyperventilating. One of my favorite tools in writing is to let the characters move so far into fear, sadness, or panic that they come out on the other side. Usually they end up numb or just start laughing about it all. Right now, I'm numb. The way things have been going lately it's no surprise. I've been told and to learn to love, to open myself up and let the fear of getting hurt esacape, well my friends, that is what I did. Now what? I'm left loving someone who doesn't love me. A complaint everyone hears a lot I'm sure, but it's new to me. I've never been in the position where I had to see the person I am completely in love with on a daily basis. There is so much more to everything at this point, I see new things I never saw before. There seems to be a pain behind his eyes that I can't help, but he won't let me help. I'm trying I really am. I want to help, I want to be there, but I don't know how. He seems he doesn't want me to. I feel like I had a mental breakdown last week and this is just the calm after the storm. Everything is actually pretty ok at this point, I just miss him. I was talking to Andrew last night about everything. I mean everything, Sean, the future, family, life in general. It made me see a few things. I know life is not going to wait for me, I have to live it while I have the chance. You never know what is going to happen, hell tomorrow I could wake up and walk to the bus stop and get hit by a car. Life is an unexpected roller coaster ride, with twists and turns and how well you can handle it detirmins if you get sick or have the time of your life. I've worked so hard the couple of days so I could keep him off my mind. Everytime I stop thinking about him, someone mentions the whole situation. I understand that I'll come out of this fine, I know that I'll just be stronger and have another expierence on my list, just for the time being, I hate it. I remember once I was talking to him, and he told me I didn't know what love was. Maybe I don't, but I know I can't live without him, but I'm sure trying. Maybe I'm just lonely, I'll just keep myself busy for another day and maybe tomorrow will be better.
i. hate. school