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Bekki

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[26 Jan 2009|08:41pm]
So, I want to write in this again.
I had two dreams last night. At least, I think they were two separate ones. Most of the detail is gone from what I remember now, but they were both SO fucking weird, one more than the other. The first was of my yiayia dying. I have no idea why I dreamed of this but it was devastatingly sad. It felt so real, like, the sadness I felt was equal to the sadness I would feel if it were real. I love my yiayia so much and now I'm worried about her impending death since she is so old.
But on to the second weirder dream. Im just warning you, if anyone is reading this, its really really really weird and I have no idea why I dreamed it. Im a little embarrassed. All I can remember was a strange man who, for some reason, resembled the joker in the Dark Knight. I dont remember if it was makeup that he had on like him or if it was just the scars on his cheeks. I know he had cheek scars. Anyway, he was tall guy, definitely past 6 feet, slightly burly and was wearing a tattered suit. I remember understanding that he had previously killed a lot of people and would kill again. I knew he was insane. He began to walk towards me and he pretty much pinned me against a wall. He was looking at me straight in the eyes and at this point I remember feeling really weird. Like, along the lines of hey, im attracted to you. Then, he was pretty sensual with me, but he proceeded to cut my right ear off. Seriously hahaha. I have no idea why. Well it gets weirder- I didnt mind that he did that; it didnt hurt me. Then he started to kiss me. Weird. Yeah well I kissed back! NO idea. I was totally into this guy. It felt so real too, except my ear didnt hurt at all. I just remember feeling really into him. You know that feeling ladiezzzz. Except this guy was a fucked up, scarred murderer, who just cut off my ear. Nevertheless, he apparently thought I was pretty rad and apparently I thought he was too. OKAY, then, I remember him holding me comfortingly and telling me that he would sew my ear back on but it would get really bloody and it would hurt a lot. He said he didnt want to ruin my dress (I was wearing a dress) and he brought me a brown antique looking smock-like dress, brown, antique looking shoes and once again, brown antique looking elbow length gloves. I have no idea what was up with the clothing assortment, but I remember commenting on how I liked the gloves a lot. He liked that I liked them. I never spoke throughout this whole dream and I recall having the feeling that I was sort of like this man's pet. Like, the type of relationship where the guy keeps his girl in the house and shes only supposed to answer to him and not talk much. I dont know why, and it was never brought up in my dream, I just felt that way. I was totally happy though. I had no ear or what felt like freedom, but I had this strange, insane man and I was fine with that.

I kind of miss him now.
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[21 Jan 2009|10:40pm]
I have no idea why i'm writing it this. Perhaps to make myself feel better, although I know it wont. I have some issues. Big ones. I hate school. I don't know what it is about it, or if its just everything. I want to avoid all human contact. I'd rather not talk. If I could, if I could pick one thing to do for the rest of my life, honestly and in all seriousness, the most appealing thing to me would be to sleep or at least lay in bed 24/7. God, you have no idea how good that sounds to me. Like heaven. Sick, maybe. I cant really help it, its just how I feel. I hate my classes, and im supposed to like them. Im supposed to like this shit im learning but I couldnt care less anymore. I cant focus my eyes on a shakespeare text. I cant keep from yawning at stories about Rome. Where did my enthusiasm go? Besides the heartbeat, i feel dead. I kind of wish I was sometimes. As gay and depressing as that sounds, I just do. I dont want to deal with how I feel anymore. My mom thinks I should take a break from school but thats ridiculous. If I do that i'll feel even worse about myself. I already feel bad. Theres no reason why I cant do this work, I just have no focus or motivation and Im dead sad all the time.
I seriously hate this. I wish I could get out of my head.
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[18 Dec 2008|08:11pm]
I havent written in this journal in ages. The only reason I am right now is to procrastinate on studying for my Latin exam. I hate studying for this class. So i'm just going to put it off as long as possible. So, probably for another hour. Tomorrow we are supposed to get hit with a shit load of snow, it's the talk of da town. My final is 3:30-5:30 and knowing me, I will be the last person in the class and use all the time. After that though, im heading straight home! I'm SO pumped. I just cant wait to have no homework, or school worries for a whole month! Never mind that, I get to see old friends more! Saweeeet. I should or shouldve gotten a job for the break but I reallllyyyyyy dont want to. I think I will justify it with myself that I will try to get a good job for the summer, since I can finally fucking drive myself now. Anyway, yea, I cant wait to go home. Also, <3 :-).
SO I sold some textbooks yesterday, the prices when I first bought them were something like 140, 65, 65, 20. I got 45.50 back for that. I hardly ever even used the books. I was/am soooo pissed about that. Im so sick of college draining me of everything. I dont even know if i'll get a good job out of all this. Its like a coin toss except the coin is over 80 thou. Grr. Especially with the economy the way it is. Although, I dont know why I say that because I dont know "how the economy is" at all. Just that I hear its bad and that people are getting laid off left and right. So, from what I can tell, its nothing good to be going into when I graduate. Hopefully Obama will bring CHANGE! Hahaha, South Park.
I am so tired right now. Which brings up another thing, I sleep way too much. Like, its ridiculous. If I can, I will take naps every day, some for 1 hour some for 2 some, if I can for 4. I love to sleep. It just sucks because I sleep instead of doing things I should be, like homework or studying, so all that crap is left for after 6pm. I really need to get my act together, or get some pills or something. I have NO energy.
Alright, enough of this bullshit. See you in another year, lj.
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<3 [10 Aug 2007|05:56pm]
Soo its probably because the aunt is visiting but im feeling emotional and ready to eat anything and everything.
Brian is right at my feet on the couch and hes eating bbq twirly frito things, theyre so goood. I want to eat everything, it sucks. Im on BTHORNS macbook. Its okaaaaaay. Im getting a Vaio. It better be as good as i want it to be. I wanted to get a Dell XPS but they are pretty pricey so that didnt happen. I want to see Pans Labyrinth. Ohhhhh I finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. To put it subtly im bordering depression because of the end of the series. I want more of those bbq things. Oh yea, college in 3 weeks. Im nervous and excited and shit. I hope I dont suck at school. Especially in Latin. Mmmok. One love. Peace.
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[12 Jul 2007|10:15pm]
So, Im pretty sick of feeling like shit. Nothing stops it, everything initiates it. Its no ones fault but my own. For being so shitty. I wish i didnt suck so bad. Like, I honestly have felt like this since middle school and its NOT going away and if anything its getting worse. I mean i feel downright awful. Any tiny minute i get alone to myself to think about ANYTHING, I start to feel like shit about myself. I just cant stop. I hurt my own feelings more than anyone else, and its SOOOOOOOOOOO frustrating. BUT ITS TRUE. I dont care what anyone says otherwise, everything negative I think about myself is true. I have no self esteem and even that in itself is a flaw. Where does it end? I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I just want to cry at night. Im insane and i dont care anymore.

bbz-
This was not a positive entry, im sorry :-(, i love you, i cant wait for our single dorms and latin/classics study nights at UNH and when you tell me all about political science and i pretend to care and when i tell you about anthropology and you straight up tell me you dont care andddd when we get ice cream at that little place by the Wittimore (because we are) and when we store b00ze in our mini fridges, esp my bitch drinks and when we have uncomfortable sleepovers and everything<3 that made me happy to type I shouldnt stop, my mind will go down hill again..... um we have to finish playing Pirates of the Caribbean i hope you dont let your mom make you take it back yet, i havent collected all the posters! I .... just drifted.

I feel shitty again, im going to go to bed so i can get up at 6 o'clock and have 4 hours of free thinking time.
Cool.
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chitty chitty bang bang [08 May 2007|10:39pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Today was Brian's birfday, and Angela's.
I baked him a carrot cake because he likes carrot cake.
I was convinced everyone would like, throw up after eating it, but they didn't!
I was psyched.
I made him a card. Its the single greatest card I have ever made in my entire life.
Apparently I worked more on that then my Egyptian Myth project.
And I got him a st00pid Best Buy gift card because I have no idea what the hell games or movies he does or doesn't have, he basically has a library.
Seriously.
The only movies I have are the Harry Potter and LOTR trilogies.
SOOOOOOOOOOOO, I ate chinese food and the cake over his house with his mom and her boyfriend... and Gavin.. and watched Mulan because its a quality movie.
MY CAT IS RUBBING HER FACE ON MY FOOT. IT TICKLES.
Aw she stopped, I liked it :-(
OH nooooooooo. So there is this flock? herd? whatever, there is a gathering of turkeys, about 6, that always wander around my backyard and the field behind my house. I like them. A lot. Well this morning there was 2 piles of turkey feathers in my backyard. I was upset. I think something or someone killed one or two or whatever amount. My dad says he thinks it was a turkey fight, because there was no blood. I like to think that too. It makes me feel better. No one better have touched my turkeys.
Tomorrow i'm going to the beach with Brian, Amanda, Po andd.... other kids but I don't know who exactly is coming. Maybe Peter.
Its gonna be hottttttttttt outtttttttt.
I just convinced Brian that we should drive up by Rye. I have to look at the houses for the 20th time in my life so I can get really bitter. Brian's so pussy. He wont take me up on my challenge "ssourhomeChicago: first person to find a good shell, no mussels or clams, wins something". Hes a novice. I am a shelling aficionado. Whatever. The only people that can challenge me are Stef and Tina Kelly. Ive got 17 years of shelling under my belt.
OKKKK. Time to go.<3


----
Your hands didn't move
well neither did mine
New Years will bring
so much to say
but nothing comes out right
both of us left without words
both of us lost in this world
it's softer than ever before
and you were the outline
of everything you would become
the keeper of these hands
to hold you now
it is a far cry,
more than anything that i deserve

i'm waiting to give you whatever the world may bring
i'd give you my life cause i don't own anything
it seemed like the bottom was all that i had until now
i'd give you my life, if you'd give me yours somehow

your hands didn't move
and neither did mine
New Years
will bring
me to you

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18! [07 May 2007|08:42pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

It's 3 hours and 20 minutes til your birfday.
I love you baby<3

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[03 May 2007|10:43pm]
[ mood | content ]

People going to UNH that I know of:
Me
Brian<3
Angela
Danielle
Laura
Kerry

Well let me tell you, im pretty happy about that. I will have people to hang out with right off the bat.
Also, if i get a single dorm, if being the key word, that would be super.
Also, Brian is dapper in his work clothes. All the time. All dressed up and shit<3
But he still gotz his jesus piece.
Word.
In other news:
"Just be like, 'Aj there's a Burton shoelace over there, go get it!', he'll be like, 'aw guy that's EPIC!'"
Bahahahaha. Hilarity ensues.

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2(B) [28 Apr 2007|12:03am]
[ mood | loved ]

So Brian.
Brian, Brian.

Brian took me on a picnic on Wednesday, he felt gay about it but I loved it. Two ducks came right up to us and quacked and ate chips that we dropped. Today we went to Cotton and ate a shitload and figured out he cant light his lighter, but I can. Also I like the head of brocolli and he likes the stalk. Also, that mango rum smells and tastes like soap, some kind of shampoo really.

Ahem.
I like your hair because it smells good all the time.
I like your eyes because theyre pretty like the oceans :).
I like your nose because its cute, you know, the lil tip of it?
I like your lips because they sexy.
I like your face because its like an angels :).
I like your alllllll over because its soft.
I like your sexylegz.
I like your cute ears.
I like allllll your organs.
Esp your heart, among other things :).
Oh and your personality is great too.

Oops so many typos, replace all the likes with loves.

:-*

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:-) [18 Mar 2007|11:09pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Today, I kicked ass in Pokemon stadium.
Thats right BRIAN you can admit it, its fine.

Also, my mom left for a week and I wish she didnt :-(

Also, St. Pattys Day was good for the most part. I saw eeeeeeveryone.
Now im back to being strictly Greek.

Brian and I need to work on our project.




































Ya fuck that.
:-)

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[12 Mar 2007|08:09pm]
I am so good at dating things.
SOOOOOOOOOOOO fucking good.
When did this take place?..... BAM, let me just tell you by looking at a picture.



<3Napoleon
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could this be out of line [10 Mar 2007|04:46pm]
[ mood | content ]

So, I just HAD to make an entry :)
Todaaaaaaaay, Brian surprised me and took me to the aquarium. Thats the first time ive been. It was, in a word, dope. All I can think of is the huge as turtle that swam by us. And all the jokes we made about everrrrry single tank. Everyone there was SO fucking immature though. They acted like they were in 3rd grade.
:) Blue lobsters.

PS: 300 is the best movie I have ever seen in my entire life. Bad, fucking, ass.

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we'reeeeeee goin down to the bar [21 Feb 2007|06:04pm]
[ mood | calm ]

soooooo, france in two days with nikki holly and brian.
havent really done much with this egyptian mythology project i have with brian.
we go to do it, then just sleep.
or eat lemonade freezes.
or both.

uuuummmmm, so france in 2 days.
so
france
and, oh yea spain too
in
2
days


2
days
france and spain

:-)

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[13 Jan 2007|12:12am]
i want chocolate chip pancakes
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[07 Jan 2007|03:29pm]
you are so gay
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[05 Dec 2006|05:59pm]
Sit down and please make yourself comfortable
I might need some time to dance around what I need to say
I love you to death
I think I need a break

I spend my days worrying out loud
I gag in my head, I choke it back down
It hurts me inside to save you inside
So close my lips tight
Move eyes to the side

This is the way we disappear
It's easy if you burn out like a star
This is the way we disappear
It's easy like a 50-foot fall
I'm waiting for whatever bit of time
To admit these words that
That I’m planning in my mind
I’m hating every minute that I don’t speak aloud
Like when you lay it down
You lay it down
You lay it down

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[04 Dec 2006|09:17pm]
It wont end like this.
I can promise you that.
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everyone has aids [28 Nov 2006|04:12pm]

aids, aids, aids, aids

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... [22 Nov 2006|09:22pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

all of the sudden i feel wicked sad.
im such an idiot.
i dont even know what to do anymore, so i wont do anything.
i give up on everyone.

2 comments|post comment

[31 Oct 2006|07:31pm]
I hate everything.
PERIOD!
2 comments|post comment

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