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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in __blossom__'s LiveJournal:

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Sunday, February 10th, 2008
12:22 am
me.
I think i've come to a point now in my life where i can't give a shit what other people think of me. For a long time i have struggled with this. I have gone through life being the person everyone wants me to be or thinks I am. I created an identity for myself that was not real or in any way 'me'. If I could be someone else it wouldn't matter if i was disliked. It wouldn;t effect me in any way because the fake Julia was acting as a Julia to protect the real Julia. I have spent so long acting and putting up a front of being seemingly insensitive and "thick skinned" and passive about everything and indifferent and "overly laid back" and after a while you start to feel like a puppet. I behave exactly the way I am expected to. Sometimes when I talk or say something it sounds like someone else is saying it. I go through life feeling indifferent to everything. It isn't because I am passive agressive, it's simply because I'm too shut off to give a shit about anything or have my own opinions. To most I seem distant and awkward and very emotionally un-available. People normally do not approach me or attempt to befriend me. Sometimes when I talk to someone it's as though i'm opening my mouth and nothing is coming out. It's as though I;m not there..not present..which i am not. I exist on another dimension. Most people do not make sense to me. I cannot relate to them even if i really wanted to. But that is because i'm trying to deny any aspect of me that is human. How can i relate to other humans when i'm feeling like i'm not one?

over the years I have got into a bad habbit of over thinking. It is to the point my ego now dominates my being. It is what makes me feel in control. Sometimes it is so bad it feels as though my brain is talking to me and i don't get a moments peace. It's as though i'm an observer of my own thought process and i'm not actually a part of it. I think more than i feel. I don't let myself feel. And if i do feel I have to think about why i feel it first.

I am. I am...exist, I think, therefore I am; I am because I think, why do I think. I don't want to think any more, I am because I think that I don't want to be, I think that I....because....ugh!

They say that depersonalization is actually in a sense to be too sane. It somehow gives you a hightened awarness of your surroundings, the way you think and the way you experience things. You over analize. The only problem with this is you feel out of touch with your body. It feels like I'm standing three feet behind myself and that i can watch myself do things like an outside observer. I feel out of control. It feels as though i am plumeting down a black hole trying desparately to grab onto something but there is nothing to grab onto. I do not like to be refered to simply as 'depressed' or "suffering from depression" because that somehow implies that I am not aware or in the dark. Not connected. Someone who doesn't know what is wrong with them yet continues on with life feeling miserable. I am perfectly aware of everything. I know why I am an unhappy person but it feels like i cannot change these old, deep set patterns that i have had from an early age. I still have a lot of unresolved trauma somewhere that won't alow me to feel. I need to feel okay to be me before i can overcome this. That is the first step. I need to stop this self denial and start recognizing that i am a worthwhile human being with a lot of talent and passion and a hell of a lot to share with the world. I know i am capable of being deeply compassionate and caring and feeling love. But right now this is not something I have the pleasure of experiencing...my own doing of course.

I have been told by many doctors I have an acute awareness of what is going on in my body. I am hypervigilant. It is very strange.

To be totally and utterly aware of oneself....a curse or a blessing?
Tuesday, May 1st, 2007
10:16 pm
Super duper
welp, it has been bloody ages since i've written in this thing....seems kind of weird to again....I couldn't see myself writing in here for a while. I didn't think life would get so good so fast...and I wanted to wait until my life was a little more exciting to start writing all about it again..but now I feel it's a good time. I want to fill my journal with positive thoughts and feelings and put the negative behind me now.

we'll start off with cute boy mentioned somewhere below...well he turned out to be absolutely amazing and the best thing to happen to me in quite some time. We've been together for about five months now and things are going fantastically. I honestly couldn't see myself getting this close to someone again. I'm still somewhat having my issues with it and being cautious because I don't want to be hurt and i get weird about it sometimes...but I can't really beleive I've met someone I get along so fantastically with and feel so strongly for...I feel like i've met the love of my life. Even though that sounds cheesey and I probably normally would never admit that openly to anyone ever...but this is livejournal which basically equalls the contents of the very depths of my brain. So there you have it. He treats me like a princess and makes me feel like i'm the awesomest person on earth. What I love most is we have a lot of fun together...I love him tonnes and i'm so happy he exists and is a part of my life. It's an honor to know such an amazingly beautiful person. I want to marry this boy whether he likes it or not..haha. Anyway...his name is craig and he likes ducks.

Also, Starting this May...I'm rather randomly going to study at Joji's hair school on commercial drive. Not something I ever really thought i'd do..but i think it will be super fun! I start on the 15th...yay. I'm super excited. I get to have some creative time for once. It's going to be rather challenging for me though. I'm nervous but it will be a good way to get over my social anxiety and all 'round general weirdness about having to talk to people...and it means i'll have a more interesting career than I ever saw myself having...but waking up at six in the morning isn't sounding so good....but i'll deal with it. I have to. But I think the fun-ness will be enough drive and motivation to want to get out of bed everyday. Up until now i've lacked purpose in life and getting out of bed seemed pointless...but not anymore. Anyway, it's in van which means i'm moving in with the boy...which I am super happy about because I just love being with and around him. He has just moved into a spanking new place too that I love so that only makes it about ten times more awesome. Wow, everything is just so spiffy right now.


Onto other things I like sunsets and listening vnv nation's album "judgement" all at once.

Goodnight.
Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
2:51 am
ENTER SUBJECT (robot voice)
wow...my journal is lame.


I just looked back a few entries and i'm like..what? Am I on crack sometimes?

It's kind of embaressing. No wonder people think i'm crazy. Haha.

so, i'm at this point in my life where i don't even know what the fuck i'm doing or what I want!

i'm sort of seeing someone cute. so far they've wowed and amazed me with their kindness and thoughfulness and all around general awesomeness. I got two dozen roses delivered to my door step :) And I got some sweet ass dreads put in.

pics later when i'm not half asleep.
Thursday, December 14th, 2006
8:34 pm
my entry of doom
I feel uber stressed and anxious. And I don't even know why!

Maybe it's because I'm meeting up with someone tomorow that i've never met before. And he's a cute boy. That's probably what it is.


still....ahh!
Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
12:54 am
mew
guhh...since when am I so rad? Since when do boys think i'm awesome?

ME?

seriously, I'm not THAT great. I totally deserve someone awesome and stuff but I feel like they're saying it before they really KNOW me. Maybe I am great. I don't know. I just don't feel like I have a lot to offer. I've missed out on a lot of life and it makes me feel boring. What do I talk about?

And since when do guys like super short girls? From my experience most guys like tall women. I've always felt so down about my height because I thought guys thought it was unattractive but apparently not.

Everything has turned upside down. Everything I thought before isn't true. I'm so confused.


I feel like a piece of meat in a shark pool.
Saturday, December 9th, 2006
2:29 pm
i hate putting a subject because I can never think of any that make any sense.
Hrm...I need to start writing some music to make a portfolio for my audition. I've got some bits and pieces here and there but nothing substantial. I need to write something really amazing that will wow everyone. Something classical and evil. Alas, I have a shit mic that makes my voice sound like ass and I don't have proper equipment to record my instruments.




I've made some picture frames for tomorows craft fair. But I can't seem to stay away from the black spray paint. Every time I try to make one that's somewhat colourful I'll break out the ol' can o' black paint again. I really tried to make some that the general population would probably like but I just couldn't somehow. On the last one I even managed to put some green ivy around it and some red roses..until I felt uncomfortable and akward with its plastic-ness and tackiness and black it went. Ptsh to the general population. They have no taste. NONE. BLACK IVY IS LIKE, SO IN FOR CHRISTMAS.

I'm cold and I look boring. I'm bored of the way I look. I want some style.


I got a job a couple of days a week at the funky monkey. I like it there. They had one on Bowen too. Anyway, I'd rather work there than warehouse one. warehouse one has crap energy.


I'm cold and i'm THEE most awkard person in existence. Why is it so hard to have a conversation? I'm so SHYYYYYYYYYY. But why? Why me.

p.s I think Peter Petrelli from HEROES is sexy. I like the way his mouth moves when he talks. It's all sideways. I want to marry someone with super powers.

speaking of Heroes...who else has been watching it?
Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
7:03 pm
Moving on.
I don't feel like I have much to talk about these days. I don't have anything particularly amazing going on. I could talk about all the drama that recently happened but I feel like i'm over it now and talking about it is just going to put too much thought and energy into it again and I definately don't want to be back in that frame of mind.


However, I am going to say I don't regret what I did. As much as I feel like I should I don't. As much as I feel like an asshole I also beleive what I did was for the best. For both me and the people involved. Even though it means I'm going to be kinda sad and lonely for a while...it's important for me to. Or I will keep holding on like there's always a glimmer of hope. Even though I'm totally kidding myself. It has to end at some point. Or it keeps dragging on. I'm probably just stupid and young and I think I have everything sussed out and think that i know what I really want even though i'm only 21. Life's all about timing...and in this case the timing was off. I need to experience life and all this was just holding me back from wanting to. I have so much more to learn and so, so, so much more potential in life. I think I could be amazing if I really want that. I said what I really felt. Which is good because I'm always saying the opposite of how I feel because I'm afraid of getting hurt. So I finally feel good that I said what I really felt...or it would have been all bottled up and bottling is something i'm trying to avoid like the plague. I still love them un-conditionally. Nothing will change that. But that doesn't mean I should keep making excuses for a person's crappy behavior. If I've learned anything it's that, even though I believe everyone has good in their heart, you can't always just focus on that. I have been loved and cared for deeply by someone for a long time and I'm just thankful for that. They did their best. But we both have too much shit we need to deal with and by being together we were just avoiding all the inner work we need to do. We will always have a very strong connection, though. Adam's my twin flame. That's the closest you can get in the soul family. Unfortunately sometimes that means you meet them to learn hard lessons. Because they mirror EVERYTHNG back to you. I know I did with him...which is why we can't be happy together. but we still care for eachother.


We had a little staff get together after work. It's nice hanging out with everyone. I enjoy my work friends.



Anyway, It looks like i'm off to study music in England. I actually really want to go. I thought it might just be me trying to run away again but I really feel like this is my next step in life. My unlce Nicholas is a famous world wide known organist and a prof at a college in London. He wants to help me out. Sounds like a plan. Either that or I can go to a school in Dartington England. It's an old gothic style building. I miss those. I need to connect with me roots again.


I love the movie "school of rock". Best movie ever! Off to watch it.
Saturday, December 2nd, 2006
12:12 pm
mmmuugh
I've done something stupid.

And now this feels like that movie "my best friend's wedding"

no one's getting married though. So I guess it's not.


Welp my life is royally fucked officially.
Wednesday, November 29th, 2006
4:58 pm
Birfday.
Happy Birthday to me.

I bought myself a dress from my work.

Other than that my birthday doesn't feel like one.
Tuesday, November 28th, 2006
12:27 am
schtuff
Well I had a super awesome fantastic day today.

First off, it's minus 20 up here in squampton and incredibly windy. I practically got blown away over the mountain tops on my way to the bus. Amazing view through the cottage window, though. It's all stark and grey and foggy and mysterious and beautiful and magical.

Why is it I look skinnier but I've apparently gained five pounds? It's not making sense. Maybe I just finally filled out or something, I dunno. All the fat is going to the right places, haha.


Adam and I hung out today. I like hanging out with Adam because he's my bestist friend in the universe. And I finally feel like we can be around eachother and not be bitter and jealous and have hard feelings, ect. This is how it's meant to be with Adam and I. I think we're destined to be close friends.

I bought him a new wallet as an early birthday present because he lost his and he has like, nothing nice anymore. It's pretty and leopard print and it matches mine :) We sat around a lot in the mall. I did some shopping. I went to stitches and bought a cute hoodie and a nice polka dot lacey top.

yah this entry sucks.

It was way more fun than I make it out to be. Seriously. O RLY? yes. Indeed.

I like oliver Twist.
Monday, November 27th, 2006
12:33 am
go away
There's a possibilty I will be spending six months in England. It looks like the whole family will be going in july.

I hope so in a way. I kinda miss it. I miss being English. It seems like i've struggled non-stop since I got here to try and be canadian and "normal" and I've lost track of who I really am.

And I know where you're from doesn't completely define who you are...but it also does a lot. Only English people can really understand where other English people are coming from and I think that's why I spend most of my time with my family. Even my 14 year old brother who was four years old when we moved here sounds and acts completely English. And it puzzles me that he's not afraid to be that way. It kind of makes us seem a little more eccentric being here because we're very typically English but what's eccentricity if you never feel like you fit in and you don't have any friends.

At least I have my boss Mandy who understands, too. She's from scotland. We're always going off about the cultural differences and what not. That's not to say I don't love it here. Because I do. Canada is an amazing country. I just need to feel more in touch with who I am because I'm completly lost. I have lost my sense of self and it hasn't been around for years. Maybe this will help.

I guess there's not much point in writing about this on here since I suppose none of you really know what i'm talking about. Maybe you do...I don't know.


*sigh* I miss Cheeky English school boys in uniforms ;) Haha, I sound like a perv.
12:11 am
heart attack
we just had another super cool power outage.

God, I missed those. The good ol' days when I lived on Bowen and we'd have at least three a day.

I have an unexplainable pain in my heart. Not the emotional kind (at least I don't think it is) but it feels like i'm going to have a heart attack. My left arm keeps feeling all weird too. But I wonder if this isn't something emotional that has manifested into a physical symptom. My body's awfuly good at doing that. It can't be a co-incidence that specifically today i've been feeling broken hearted and now it feels like i'm having a heart attack. Sounds like an episode of HOUSE. But it's really damn painful like...ow.

Last time I had energy work my heart chakra was really blocked.


I started writing an entry earlier but i couldn't be bothered to finish it and just ended up closing it. I now wish i hadn't since there was a lot of interesting stuff coming out like verbal diarrhea and now i'm not in the same space. I felt like I had this flow of energy through me. Like I was in an altered state of consiousness where I knew everything and understood everything. Usually though...when i'm in that state..i just want to sit peacefully and not be near computers.

My skin is horribly dry despite the amount of heavy duty moisterizers i'm using. I've decided that from now on I am going to have excelent physical health. Because poor health is the body's expression of what's going on in the mind. And as long as I decide that I will no longer live with the burden of poor health...I no longer will. I am now going to let go of everything that doesn't resonate with who I am. Thought is powerful.





My thoughts and actions contradict my desires. Time to stop.


Also, at the moment, if i try to think even remotely negatively...I actually get a pain in my brain. Weird eh? So:

I am well, I am positive, I am happy, life is good, I am in universal flow.
Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006
7:25 pm
CRANK
The movie crank is CRAZY.

People should watch it. It's interesting as well as exciting :P
4:17 pm
The sky is lilac
I went into work today not realizing I don't in fact work until tommorow. That's six days off in a row now.


Guess there isn't much I can do about the shortage of hours but I have to say i'm a little pissed. It'a a good job I live at home. Then again...if I didn't I would most definitely have quit this one by now and found two more higher paying jobs because the fact that some people live off minimum wage worries and baffles me.

I don't think it's a matter of my boss cutting my hours because she thinks I suck because she has said on several occasions I'm really good at my job and when I suggested coming into work just to do back stock she said she needed all her "good workers" out on the floor.

But I can't be sure. But something tells me it's because, personally, I think I'm crap at retail and i'm horrible with people. And fashion. Everything I think would work or look good together no one seems to agree. I suppose it might be because I have a bit of an off-beat way of dressing myself...but still. Not to mention I think a lot of our new stock is butt ugly. But I worry there's some two faced-ness in all this concerning my boss. Not to jump to conclusions or be mean because she's generally a lovely person, but I don't respect or trust judgmental people...and she is just that unfortunately. And sometimes I guess I worry what she's saying behind MY back. And that what she really thinks of me doesn't come out until I'm not around.

I am the most awkward person in existence.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I'm sure as hell glad I didn't have to work in the end though because I took some stuff made out of volcanoes (I'll explain in a mo) and I almost immediately started to detox. So naturally I had a headache and felt sick. I have a lot of crap in my system that I need to get rid of which is why I think that everytime I DO try and detox I feel like hell. I also have a lot of crap invading my body and my immune system isn't exactly up to par. I think my adrenals are fucked. Infact, someone even told me that. There's a squirrel in the back yard and it's cute.


I've been somewhat working on my diet though because I think my body is naturally wanting to detox. I haven't been at all drawn to sugars of any kind lately so I've basically just been eating protien. Lots of veggies, fruit, nuts, eggs.

I've also bought various supplements to replace the ones my pills use up. I got some super heavy duty 45 dollar pro-biotics so they better work. Ripp off. I'm pretty sure I have next to zero B vitamins in my system and no E or A. Or Magnesium and calcium. Dairy has never been a huge part of my diet and i'm pretty sure at this rate i'll end up with osteoporosis by the time i'm 30.

Remembering to take stuff is my next big challenge.


I want some bacon!
Tuesday, November 21st, 2006
1:33 am
pics from the other night
well, i remember there being way better pics than these but oh well...you can tell we were all 'avin' a laff. Also, they were taken by people who were drunk...so most of them came out more retarded than I thought :P

Michelle and I. I'm not sure what that dollar coin is all about but Michelle was doing some rather fancy tricks around that skytrain pole...
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While I had other things in mind for those poles...I was actually really disapointed I couldn't fit my face through them. I was like, "Is that bad?"
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This is what I think of Emo boys drinking vodka and playing cranium. Most un-flattering picture of my face-neck but that's okay...For now I'll try to forget about the embaressment factor of looking crap and try and think about how awesome I look with my tounge hanging out..........???
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We followed the signs that said "washroom" and were led to a giant puddle in the middle of a parking lot. So assuming this is what they meant, we unzipped and relieved oursleves...
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Tanya trying to not look drunk even though she was :P
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aaand that's it for now. Stay tuned for more!
Monday, November 20th, 2006
6:35 pm
poo
1. Your favorite hard candy? Refreshers. I don't know if they count as hard candy but i'm sure my teeth would beg to differ.


2.Best drink you had in the past month? The ones I got bought for me at a club because they were free.


3.Are you a virgin? I could say yes, but that would be lying...and even though I'm the best liar in the universe there wouldn't be much point.


5. Do you think your best friend is sexy? I don't really think I have one. But for now i'll go with tanya and Michelle and I'd deffinately rate them an 11 on the sexy scale.


6. Are you a good kisser? I've been told by a few that I am, yes. Infact I nearly always get complimented on it.


7.Where are you at right now? in some tight ass bondage pants that make me look super bad-ass. I know that doesn't necessarily explain where I am but...it also kind of does at the same time. Because where I'm at is sexy.


8.What time is it? 5:38


9. Who was the last person you talked to before you did this? On the internet or real life? I'm talking to Adam on the internet. He's technically also the last person I had an actual conversation with in real life so I'll just go with that answer.


10. Who do you hate? Hate is too strong of a word, but I can use it in the same sentence as "sanctuary" (the club).


11. Who do you wish you got to know better? Quite a few individuals, actually.


12. Do you love your life? I'd like to say yes...I really would. But at this point no. Not at all.


13. Are these questions stupid? Most of these types of things have stupid questions but that's presicely why i like to fill them out.


14. Do you have issues? Quite a lot, yes.


15. Do you think your kids will be gay? Hahahaha...umm...

16. Are you having fun yet? well i'm eating a kinder egg and I got a toy car in it so what do you think?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

1.Where were you when the ball dropped for 2006? I don't know, actually. Probably so medicated I didn't know what was going on. :)


2. How did you get the idea for your profile name? It came to me in a dream.


3. What time were you born? somewhere between 12 midnight and 12 in the afternoon.


3. What song are you playing now, or wish you were playing? I wish my computer had a sound card...


4. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry? probably not. I dunno...I do remember crying once over a celebrityu but that's because I was 14 and completely obsessed with them.


5. What color underwear are you wearing? I'm pretty sure it's black. Maybe....


6. Do you want a baby? This reminds me of the other day when Michelle and tanya and I were on the skytrain and we saw a baby that looked cute because it was all bundled up so we started laughing, then the mother was like, "yep...and you girls are next!' Followed by each of us looking at eachother in dusgust.


7. What did you do this morning? Woke up, went on Adam's lap top. Hung out with Adam and Erika. That's pretty much it.


8. What does your mom do for a living? Holistic councelor. She does VOO DOO ON PEOPLE. hehe, jk.


9. Where do you work? warehouse one, bitches.


10. What ended your last relationship(s)? That's a little too complicated to answer. A bit of everything. Adam likes girls, alot. let's just put it that way, haha.


11. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number? 09

12. What was the last concert you attended? Not sure, actually..it has been a while. I was supposed to go to hanzel und gretyl but it never worked out....wow does anything?


13. Who was with you? chicken.


14. What was the last movie you watched? umm..nicholas nickleby. Best movie, ever.


15. Who do you dislike at the moment? myself the most.


16. What food do you crave right now? I just ate scrambled eggs on toast and now my tummy is full of yummy.


17. Did you dream last night? I don't know if my poor brain had a chance to. I was being nuzzled all night by a big cuddly pussycat by the name of poe.


18. What was the last TV show you watched? I don't really watch tv.


19. What is your favorite piece of jewelry? My septum. Why? Because it's sexy, motherfucka.


20. What is to the left of you? A giant asian style fan and a plant and some candles.


21. What was the last thing you ate? scrambled egg on toast with a side of kinder surprise.


22. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Apparently not Adam. as in..I'd call him my best friend but I don't think he thinks of me in the same way.

23. Write a song lyric that's in your head? I fought the war but the war won't stop for the love of god. I don't like metric but i like the re-mix of that song. So there.


25. Are you on any meds? yes but soon to be not. If that is even English.


26. What side of the bed do you sleep on? The left, i guess?


27. What shirt are you wearing? a Brown "girl rider" t-shirt with a picture of a motor bike, a hoodie and a nother sweater then a jacket on top of that.


28. What color is your razor? pale blue and white, i think.?


29. What is your favorite frozen treat? frozen turd.


30. How many tattoos/piercings do you have? i have my labret, septum, stretched 00 guage lobes, daith, helix and some random other ear holes.


31. What's your favorite store? Stitches because it's cheap!


32. Are you thirsty right now? I was until earlier when i looked at the water and realised it was brown.


33. Can you imagine yourself ever getting married? yep. I'm a very monogomous person. I don't know how to spell that...haha.


34. Who's someone you haven't seen in a while and miss? well i pretty much saw everyone i was starting to miss when i was in vancouver over the past few days...but i guess i miss my friend jasmine and matt over in t-bay.


35. What did you do last night? Went to skanktuary. Lame.


36. Do you care what people think about you? A little too much for my liking.


37. Have you ever done something to instigate trouble? probably...wheh i was little i was pretty bad...lots o' smacked bottoms for moi!


38. What song(s) do you think ur bf, gf/ex's listen to and think of you? cradle of filth?


39. What song(s) do you listen to and think of your bf, gf/ex's? umm...bella morte stuff.


40. What is one thing you wish you were better at? socializing. I'm not terrible at it..but i can be pretty damn snobby and completely be aware of it yet not do anything about it.


41. Do you like the person who posted this last? I do indeed :)


42. What is across the room from you? The other version of me. Woah, creepy.
11:39 am
stuff
well, i honestly don't think life could get any worse at this point. Yah, I'm a drama queen get the fuck over it.


All I feel is sorrow. I'm empty and lonely. I feel like a worthless sack of shit.

There are people I need to stop seeing and talking to but it's too hard because I care too much. But I honestly can't get on with my life because it's all I ever think about.

All I can say is I really, really hurt. And it won't go away. And i'm pissed off because I hate people knowing I feel this way about them. I prefer people to think I don't give a fuck. I prefer to be a heartless bitch but I don't think I can anymore. It's either I shut off my emotions or go with them so that I can work through them. But I can't stand this perpetual state of grief. I'm either always sad and moody or i'm so shut off I don't feel anything at all.

I feel like being in squamish is my way of escaping everything. Myself...my life...my feelings. When I'm there I can fake eveything and not give a fuck about anything.


But what the hell are you supposed to do if you love somoone sooooo much but you know there's no way in hell you can be with them? What the hell are you supposed to do? Suck it up and forget about it? Brcause I can't. As much as I'd like to tell this person to fuck off out of my life forever I can't because I love them more than everything, ever.


At this point I seriously wish I was an entirely different person. I'm so fucking tired of everything. I want to not care but I do but I don't want to not care, either. When I was emotionally numb I hated it. All I wanted was to be able to feel things. But now that I'm starting to I don't want it at all. I just want it to go away.


I want everyone to go away.


I was in such a bad mood last night if someone even so much as LOOKED at me I'd scowl and turn my head in the opposite direction. IT could have partly been due to the fact I was at sanctuary and I can honestly say I hate it there. I had a better time and shine dancing to hip hop than being at sanctuary.


welp. I'm all out of ideas. I don't know what the fuck to do with myself anymore. Or with anyone for that matter. I hate people. Yah, I said it. I loathe them.
Sunday, November 19th, 2006
1:00 pm
par-tay
Well I feel like Garbage today. I went out to Michelle's Boyfriend's birthday party and drank way more vodka than I should have. Guuhhh...so fun at the time but was it really worth it?

We played cranium (which was SUPER fun) and ate potato Pizza and something that they called "dump in the forest" (on toast) because it resembled a turd with leaves and grass in it. Yum.


Then we all headed over the the cambie in various cabs and skytrains because we were too Early for SHINE. It was crouded and boring. I don't like it in there.

However, once we got to shine I thoroughly enjoyed myself. They played pretty good music and I got bought drinks by various people so that was nice. We all just danced,danced, danced until we were dripping with sweat.

IT was super fun times all 'round even though I feel violently ill today.


Photos to come.
Saturday, November 18th, 2006
2:41 am
survey
1. Yourself: empty
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse: non-existant.
3. Your hair: Partedontheside
4. Your mother: Amazing
5. Your father: Silly
6. Your favorite item: Fry ups
7. Your dream last night: terrifying
8. Your favorite drink: Tea
9. Your dream car: Mini
10. The room you are in: living room
11. Your ex: lame
12. Your fear: insanity
13. What you want to be in 10 years? happy
14. Who you hung out with last night? family?
15. What you're not? fat? haha
16. Muffins: hempsberry
17. One of your wish list items: love
18. Time: I have no concept of it. omg i broke the rules.
19. The last thing you did: Ate
20. What you are wearing: lame glittery tank top
21. Your favorite weather: hot
22. Your favorite book(s): science
23. The last thing you ate: Eggs
24. Your life: Don't even go there.
25. Your mood: pessimistic
26. Your best friend: ME.
27. What are you thinking about right now? my stupid ex.
28. Your car: i wish.
29. What are you doing at the moment? this?
30. Your summer: stupid
31. Your relationship status: single. probably forever.
32. What is on your TV? sienfeld
33. What is the weather like? rain
34. When is the last time you laughed? good fucking question.
Friday, November 17th, 2006
12:04 am
mroew.
"you are a paragon of beauty to me."



It's when I hear things like this I remember that I have some pretty amazing people in my life. When I really sit down and think abuot all the lives of those around me I've effected positively it makes me realise that I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself.

Thank you universe.


That sentence made me smile more than anything in a long time.
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