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__*Nicole

__bella21
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..oh the joys of a desk job! [September 12th, 2005]
[ mood | blah ]

yes you gotta love how im getting paid right now to update my journal and my myspace .. i know i do :) wow i took alot of time off of this. and now that im back on, no one is probably gonna read this .. but atleast i have a site that i can get things off of my chest again :) ::sigh of relief::
actually things have been going really well for me :) i miss everyone over @ ruby's, they were awesome people there but the managers sucked ass so much, i hated some of them, so they made my time there horriable, but for the few awesome ones - those are the ones that i miss the most. things with the boy are going wonderfully, weve been getting along so great and just finally being happy together :) my friends rock my socks. danni left almost 2 weeks ago to go on a random road trip 3,000 miles away from me to go to cali, but she just came home yesterday and it's so good to have her back home :)
well after so long of being away from here i dont have much else to say ... so whoever still reads this - feel free to leave me some comments!

read & reply [4!]

& im back .. [September 4th, 2005]
after a long break from lj im back on .. so leave me some comments if ud like .. and i will be updating very shortly

<3 me
read & reply [2!]

where do i even start? [July 21st, 2005]
[ mood | pissed off ]

... people suck! they say your one of their good friends. yet they dont call, they never see eachother and they dont invite them to important things in their lives. well for instance, tonight sarah had a lil grad party .. and was i invited? *NO* was i even told about it? *NO* i had to find out from a friend of mine who said she was going. how fucking nice. i dont even get told about nor asked if i wanted to go. secondly, my phone NEVER rings anymore, just bc i have a bf that you all probably dont particularly like doesnt mean you cant call me to see if i wanna hang out .. but of course not my phone never rings. yes i know the phone works both ways but cmon now! now let's get on the subject of one of my very close .. well USED to be best friend, now that she has a bf shes all of a sudden to good to hang out with me & of course bc my name isnt ******* or ****** ::not mentioning names:: and when i call ... does my phone call get thru? well of course not bc were to drunk or just being a bitch to pick up .. so they ignore the call .. HOW FUCKING NICE OF YOU! im fuckin fed up with everything. 2 a few significant people, we used to hang out almost everyday no matter what or who was in the picture, now all of a sudden my phone never rings, you say ur gonna call and u never do. if you dont like me or you dont wanna hang out with me just come right out and say it instead of just ignoring me and not talking to me. im so sick n tired of so much bullshit and then this shit happens. they say in ur life you have ur family & ur friends that become ur family. well i thought these girls were my family but i guess not, bc friends call eachother & friends dont ignore eachother! im just tired of being hurt by people i call my friends. this has been brewing inside of me for quite some time .. and today i decided to just let it all out!

besides that pissing me off. now im not getting my grandfathers car so that just tops of my fucking day. i work my ass off to get the things i want in life, i get soo close to getting it and then it all just falls to pieces right in front of me.. like a big "Fuck You Nicole" UGH im sick of this life that im living. i have so much to be thankful for but then so much to be pissed off at the world for. atleast i know i have 2 very good friends that i know will be there till the day of my last breath and i couldnt be anymore thankful for that - they are truely my sisters from other mothers, a beautiful, healthy funny neice that i care so deeply for, shes growing up so fast and i cant wait to see what a beautiful woman she becomes, a caring mother that has helped me thru more then i could ever have imagined, and a wonderful boyfriend (no matter what people think of him or our relationship) who no matter what happens is always there for me and just makes me the person that i am and i love him so much for that! it just sucks growing up and realizing whos true and whos not true.

read & reply [13!]

am i anything at all ... anything to you? [July 8th, 2005]
wow yesterday @ rubys sucked .. 12 1/2hrs of pure boredum it was so slow, but the time FLeW by so that was exciting. me and patrick ended the night with our tallcake so that was awesome :) today is yet another day off and i woke up this morning at 830, went to look at the focus and hopefully i'll get approved!! then me and mom went for breakfast and i dropped her off at yale so she can go see rick cuz hes not doin to good :( but im off for the rest of the day .. toodles kids :)
read & reply [2!]

as days go by .. my heart grows cold [July 6th, 2005]
[ mood | blah ]

wow i havent updated in forever ...
the past month has been crazy for me. 2 weddings, family parties and just life in general. so many things on my mind i wouldnt even know where to start. i'll just start with this week alone.

sat - was our BIG 4th of july party at my cousins in-law's house in wally world and it was sooo much fun! the cousins and my mom and my aunt got face paintings but on our ankles and my mom got hers on her arm, and each one had to do with my pop which made my gram cry but he wasent there this year so we all thought it woulda been a nice idea :) then later on in the day of course a water fight started and i guess i just pushed it to far bc next thing i knew i was picked up off the ground by like 4 feet by my uncle and my cousin and chucked into the pool .. wearing jean capris and a tank top = getting out of a pool DRENCHED not fun! but it was alot of fun .. i love my family :) then after that i went to meet shan and crew @ the beach and i heard about all the drama that went down. then we left there, went to dd and they all left. so i went around the corner to find everyone @ tonys so i hung out there for a lil bit then went to see danni at work cuz she was bored and she wanted to go on the ROOF of north haven showcase so i went and it was beautiful, the view from that building is awesome .. times i wish i had a digital. then after almost getting sick bc im terrified of heights we hung out for a lil while more then i came home to bed :)

sunday - i hung around and did NOTHING till work @ 345, it was a really slow night but it was fun. i was done around 830, so patrick, rabab and i got food and me and patrick stayed there till about 1030 taking pictures of ourselves and everyone else it was so much fun. after work i came home to find drunk people in front of my house .. so i joined :) had 2 beers then came inside showered and called it a night :)

monday - was the 4th and i bummed around the house till work, brian closed down at 9, 2 hrs earlier! so that was pretty sweet, i got outta there around 830. came home and got changed then me and rach went out to hamden. went to tonys and watched them do fireworks, a few fights broke out and it was histarical. we sat on the porch with shan, brian and some random dude. then everyone else showed up later on it was good to see everyone, i never see them anymore =( then me and rach headed home .. it was the last night in the jetta *RIP 96 Jetta .. u will be missed*

tue - day off!! was supposed to clean and start rearranging my room but that never happened lol. went out went to go see lis and zoe with rach and we had lunch there and just hung out which was nice, then i went to get my check while rach went to go pick up her new car, then it was time to drive around aimlessly in the 05 :) we got lost in prospect while visiting her friend tyler, then came back down to hamden and NO ONE was out, so we went to old navy and i got zoe's gift for her 1st birthday then we went to tommy k's and saw paulie so we talked with him for awhile, we got movies and went back to rachels. i was online talkin to a certain someone that is just really awesome and cute .. and hes just ... i dont have the words but hes great :) then i came home and went to bed after a really great day!

i promise next post wont be this long i just havent updated in forever .. till next time kids .. have a good one :)

read & reply [1!]

[June 29th, 2005]
im no longer writing anything about him in my journal because somehow it always gets back to him. because one person says something to someone and then they tell him. so i will no longer write about anything we do or anything that is going on between us.
thats all i have to say for today.
reply [0!]

[June 28th, 2005]
[ mood | satisfied ]

...i made out with him in the rain & it was amazing ::sigh::

read & reply [2!]

why me??? [June 27th, 2005]
[ mood | pissed off ]

i HATE feeling like this!!!!!!!!!!
i feel like no one likes me anymore, my phone doesnt ring anymore, people never call me back, im not invited anywhere. i feel like a loser nowadays and i feel that if i just moved away or died tonight that no one would give a shit! i dont want anyone to read this and start hanging out with me out of pity. u dont wanna hang out with me or you dont like me for some reason then just tell me dont ignore me and dont hang out with me!!!!!

i dont know what i did to have so many people not wanna hang out with me or be friends with me. i know i have one true friend and im greatful for her no matter what shes stuck by me thru alot of shit and never left my side and shes my girl for life <3


this is just my rant for the day. i havent updated in a really long time and the first time i do im pissed off and aggravated! now im off to fun fun work to probably get even more pissed off ... GOD how i hate my life!

im sorry to anyone who reads this and gets affended but this is how i feel, and if my feelings are wrong and its something else then just tell me cuz i really have no idea what i did

read & reply [2!]

[June 23rd, 2005]
[ mood | depressed ]

Backstreet Boys
Just want you to know

Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

reply [0!]

I've been tagged!! [June 10th, 2005]
[ mood | stressed ]

well yesterday was okay, picked up my pretty dress for the wedding on saturday =) and worked from 415-1215 it was kinda busy in there but then it would get slow. one of the trainers is leaving on saturday and im sooo upset he was so awesome to work with, he said he'll come back down and visit bc he loves us :)

so after work i headed out to hamden to find EVERYONE out, and then a little while later kev showed up so me and him talked for a little while. and i really wanted to ask him what was goin on with us and if he wanted to work things out, but he had so much on his mind that i didnt wanna bring it up. but when i was leavin hes like "please becareful this weekend, dont go crazy with drinking at the wedding and just please becareful, call me if u need me" so i thought that was really cute/sweet of him. i showed him my dress last nite and all he kept saying was how beautiful im gonna look and hes like you HAVE to take pictures i wanna see you in the dress and inside my mind im like "well then come with me!!" but i didnt say anything :-\ i wish he was gonna be there with me this weekend :(

well im out like a fat kid in dodgeball, wont be back till sunday.. so have a good weekend everyone and i cant wait to go see thongs on sunday with my girls!! <333


oh wait ... I've been tagged!!!

List five songs that you are currently digging... it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words or even if they're any good but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now.

Post these instructions, the artist and the song in your blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to.

1. So Far Away ~ Crossfade
2 Till the day i die ~ Story of the year
3. There's no solution ~ Sum 41
4. If you only knew ~ Maroon 5
5. Breathe (2AM) ~ Anna Nalick


& now im tagging
irishhottie1230
spoiled_glimmer
nyk999
soulfire__
<lj user="x_toxic_luv_x"

read & reply [4!]

[June 9th, 2005]
[ mood | aggravated ]

im done. im done with trusting people. im done believing things. im done hurting. im just done with my life. im done living with a broken heart. im done trying to make everyone happy. im done telling people things. im just done!!!


i hate how i sit here everyday and cry over YOU and you just dont care, i dont like the person you have become and ur so brainwashed by ur "so called friends" that u just dont see what ur doing to ur life. as soon as u left u changed. and i dont like it. go back to the old you everyone liked that person.


as far as my life goes, im no longer saying anything bc no matter what i say it gets broadcasted and i dont like everyone knowing my life. so right now i really cant trust anyone. once again nicole is a doormat

UGH im so fed up with everything, i just wanna disappear and get out of here

read & reply [10!]

[June 7th, 2005]
new user info ... still kinda sucks but it'll do for now :)
read & reply [6!]

[June 5th, 2005]
[ mood | relaxed ]

well this weekend was fun :)


Friday ~ went to mikeys with sarah, shannon and brian we watched not another teen movie, went to the park, then went to this deer farm to feed the deer which was pretty intresting but all in all the night was fun. i kept stealin mikes hat and me and the girls were fuckin with him soooo bad. it was funny to watch him get all upset when he didnt have his hat lol so after sitting in front of his house for about 45mins we all left. me and sarah went spying to see if anyone was out and we couldnt find them so we went home and called it a night.


Saturday ~ woke up late which was nice :) cleaned the loft a little bit then got cleaned up and went out with shannon for a bit. we drove around cuz we had nothing to do and we were waiting for lea and sarah to get outta work. so when they got out it was the beginning of our girls night :) So we planned on goin to rubys which was sooo good. gotta love how im there ALL the time and i go there on my days off. so after we went there we drove around for a little while, wound up in ghetto new haven, then finally decided to get ice cream and rent napoleon dynomite. and in the parking lot lea decides to get on the car and we drove around with her on the car and dropped her off at these random 10yr olds .. omg it was histarical!! so after bothering them we went back to sarahs to watch the movie. half way thru the movie lea had to go home cuz something had happened, so me sarah & shan watched the rest of the movie. after that we were sittin outside for a lil while then sarah got tired so me and shannon left. so we headed down to dd for a lil bit, saw everyone then went home around 2ish. hopefully more girls nights will come in the future <3

now today its beautiful out and i wanna lay outside and get some color for the wedding on sat. but of course its off to work =( hope everyone had a good weekend!

read & reply [14!]

if you loveeeee me u'll do this :) [June 2nd, 2005]
are we good friends?
how long have we've known each other?
do you think we can become great or close(er) friends?
is our relationships strong do you think?
how many times have we hung out?


am i attractive?
am i hot?
am i ugly?


name one thing i should change about myself?
name the BEST thing about me?
if you were a crowd of people, and saw something that would remind you of me, what would it be?

do you like my eyes?
do you like my lips
do you like my face?
do you like my hair?
do you like my clothes?


am i funny?
am i stupid?
am i weird?
am i quiet?
am i shy?
am i outgoing?


explain how u feel HONESTLY about me! no lies, no gimmics!
read & reply [2!]

[May 31st, 2005]
[ mood | curious ]

well this weeeknd was fun =)

sat i worked and it was the night from HELL, everything went wrong, the computers went down, we were on a really long wait, i was stressin out it was just BAD. then at the end of the night i get a phone call at like 12 and its from kevin on jew's phone and i was completly shocked .. let me tell you lol so hes like you have to come down to dunkin .. i wanna see you, so after about 20mins thinking about what i should do .. i go down there of course. so we hung out for a lil while cuz he needed to sober up and we were sittin by the dunkin near his house then things got intresting .. *use ur imagination* and after that happened i asked him if it was bc he was drunk and he said no it wasent and he just kept kissing me .. it was really nice =)
so then sunday me and my mom spent the day together and we went shopping :-D
went to victoria secret and bought my pretty in pink perfume and shower gel bc its discontinued and i love it! i bought adidas sandals, 2 shirts from sears, socks for work, hair stuff from hot topic and my mom got me a new mattress for my bed and a tinkerbell pillow case :-D i looooove it!! so after shopping all day we went to rubys for dessert and my phone rings .. its him and he told me the night before that he was gonna call me .. and to be honest i didnt believe it but he did ::half smile:: so we were bullshittin for a few and he asked if we could hang out for a lil bit, so me and mom left rubys, went to cvs i bought a magazine and hair dye then went home to get cleaned up and we met up. Just talked for a lil bit then we started makin out again and i definetly wasent complaining. he kept saying he didnt wanna hurt me or lead me on and he was set on his decision as of right now. so all i said was to think about things and just give us another chance and before he got outta the car he said he definetly would think about things and see what happens. so pretty much were just taking things day by day. so im not gonna get my hopes up but we'll see what happens.
So later that night i was hanging out at sarahs with shannon and brian and i guess during that time when kev was with kenny and mark he kept telling kenny he wanted to go over sarahs to see me and he thought i was sleeping there so hes tellin kenny "oh we should go see if we could sleep at sarahs" so i found that odd and when we were on the phone the net day he told me that he went to the pool hall to see if i was there and drivin around htown to see where i was. so again i found that quite odd that he was lookin around to see where i was. So when i left sarahs i saw him driving kenny home so i turned around hoping to bump into him on his way home, well come to find out he was waiting at kennys house to see if i would go up there for like 20mins but i was at dunkin and i didnt know what his reaction would be if i just drove up there so im pissed i didnt but oh well.
so last nite i went to sarahs again and i finally got to meet mike and it was really fun, we watched lion king 2 and sarah threw sweet and sour sauce on mike and it went EVERYWHERE, on the couch, floor, wall, clothes .. omg it was soo funny! so after that everyone was tired and sarah had class in the morning so we all left, i went down to dd and i was hangin out with everyone down there and kev, mark and the jew came down for like 5 mins and kev looked like he was gonna cry when he left but idk what was up with him.
so i have the next 2 days off and im soo happy ive been workin like crazy! hopefully i'll get to hang out with him tomorrow or somethin .. we'll see :)

read & reply [3!]

if just for one day i wish i could disappear .. just take me far from here [May 27th, 2005]
tonight was kinda sucky for me
went to my grams for her bday, and me and my aunt found pictures from way back in the day of me and my father and me and my pop and it was just a sucky night and i was crying alot. and the only thing i wanted to do was pick up my phone and call him and hear that everything was gonna be okay and just be in his arms .. and i couldnt :-\
... why do i miss you so much when you dont even think about me
read & reply [2!]

[May 26th, 2005]
fill this out anonymously

a truth:
a wish:
a fantasy:
a secret:
a compliment:
a love note:
a song:
a hint to who you are:
read & reply [5!]

[May 26th, 2005]
i love how he drives by where i am tonight, slows down the speeds up and doesnt even stop to say hi ::sigh::
i give up ....... i think :-\
read & reply [2!]

[May 25th, 2005]
[ mood | but sad .. its mixed emotions ]

wow i saw him last nite =)

after gettin out early from work i headed out to hamden, i called shannon but she didnt feel good so i let her go back to sleep, and sarah didnt pick up so i went out to htown to see if anyone was out, and of course no one is! so i found paulie at tonys so we were talkin for a few, then i was gonna go home but then i decided to get coffee so i went there and then paulie called me from the plaza so i went there for a few and we talked some more and kev was there and he pulled away when i pulled in the parking lot =( so that kinda bummed me out. so after awhile the rain was gettin bad so then i decided to go home. While i drove by the pool hall i saw his car so i was like "hmmm ehh fuck it" so i pulled in and i went in there :-\ i was talkin to mavis for awhile cuz i havent been there in like 3 weeks and she told me she was really proud of me about my new job :) then i went over to his table and he was there with comen .. and we talked.
So im standin at the table and i was talkin to him and the jew and i gave the jew a hug and we were talkin then kev and i hugged and it was nice :) then we were all talkin for a few and every once in awhile i would feel someone starin at me and he was lookin at me but when i would catch him lookin at me he would look away so i found that odd. So then we left there and we were standin outside havin a cig just bullshittin and then jeremy and carbone pulled up so we were talkin to them for a few. they were fuckin with yazmyn and she was gettin soo pissed off at them and jeremy was histarical about it, his laugh is so funny lol. so then they left and we said goodnight so me kev and comen were talkin in the parking lot, then we decided to all go home .. like 5 times lol everytime we said we were gonna leave we got to talkin bout stuff. and everytime we said we were gonna leave we hugged, and his hugs were so tight just like mine were. it was a great feeling :) then the final and last time we were actually leaving, i hugged the jew goodbye and he walked to kevs car so me and kev were outside talkin and we were huggin ::insert giddy laugh here lol:: and hes like "okay i guess ur not gonna let go" so im like "well i dont see you pullin away yet" so he took his arms off of me for like a milisecond then wrapped em around me again and hugged so tight. man did i miss that, i didnt even need a kiss or anything spectacular just hugging him felt good :) then we went our seperate ways and i went home to bed :)
Today i worked from 11-230 it was a short shift but i was soo happy cuz my feet and back are killing me!! and today im going to get my dress for lissas wedding and hopefully seeing him again later on tonight, still seeing if i get a phone call but who knows ... im not gonna get my hopes up yet im just gonna see what happens and hopefully things will get better from here on out ...
Sorry if i bored anyone i just had to let out how i was feeling ... thanx to everyone who is helping me get thru this .. i love u all <333

read & reply [1!]

[May 24th, 2005]
01. I'm an only child

02. I've seen a therapist.

03. My father passed away when i was 12

04. Im scared to get to close to people

05. I like to be tan

06. I wear black eyeliner every day.

07. I am sometimes TO nice

08. I love to write

09. I can't live without lipgloss

10. I'm emotionally scarred.

11. I give to much

12. I'm obsessed with shopping when i dont have money

13. I fucked up alot in my life

14. I love designer handbags.

15. I've been in 2 car accidents

16. I'm not good with confrontation

17. I loved the Backstreet Boys.

18. I get nervous to easily

19. I over react about dumb stuff

20. I used to be a catholic school girl

21. My first kiss was great

22. I dropped out of hs

23. But went back and graduated with flying colors

24. I hate girls who are fake.

25. I can be mean when I want to.

26. When I allow myself to get close to people, I get very attached.

27. I love taking pictures

28. I have way too many pairs of shoes.

29. And to many pocketbooks

30. I dress comfy ALOT

31. I love snapple

32. I've smoked pot

33. I HATE liars

34. I like getting my nails done

35. Summer is my favorite season

36. And fall is too

37. I love to sleep

38. I wish I was smarter

39. I love hanging out with my friends

40. I've been thru alot the past couple years

41. I hide alot

42. I love my eyes

43. I sometimes fight with my mom

44. I like going to concerts

45. I have had mono

46. I'm a hopeless romantic

47. I feel alone alot

48. I used to think about sucide to much

49. I am obsessed with music

50. I am very outgoing

51. I love the beach at night

52. I can be very insecure

53. I'm very self consious

54. I dislike ignorant people

55. I can't spell certain words

56. I love my family

57. I love roadtrips

58. I'm a genuine person

59. I dont care what people think of me

60. I'm a cuddle whore

61. I hate cleaning my room

62. I tend to get jealous

63. I love to watch the snow fall

64. I love being in a relationship

65. I write songs - not very well but i do sometimes

66. I dont like fake people

67. I love to drive

68. I am too forgiving

70. I'm Italian and French

71. I hated school

72. I miss my father

73. I miss the way things used to be with my friends in hs

74. I love to kiss and hug

75. I love getting cards in the mail

76. I cant cook

77. I am not addicted to drugs

78. I have horriable credit

79. I'm not registered to vote

80. I become stressed easily

81. I smoke

82. I dislike labels

83. I like acting like i'm 12

84. I still color in coloring books

85. I miss my grandfather terriably

86. I'm scared of needles, dying & drowning

87. I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things

88. I always wanted to learn to play the piano

89. I can be too hard on myself

90. I'm not a virgin

91. I dont like certain parts of my body

92. I speak my mind

93. My mom is my best friend no matter what

94. I love candels (that's probably the wrong spelling)

95. I miss my cousin in the army

96. I love music.

97. I'm in love.

98. I have problems letting go of people

99. I'm scared of loving people to much with the fear of losing them

100. I'm me ... take it or leave it

Fill this out about you ...
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