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Alyssia
__ariana__
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I went to the doctor again today and finally got some answers. I've got tendonitis in my right wrist, left wrist and just above my right elbow (which is not tennis elbow, that's below the elbow). There's nothing that can be done about it. There are steroid injections, but we tried that and it only lasts for about 3 weeks and, well, I just can't be getting steroids every month. It's not healthy. There's surgery, but there's no actual proof and very little evidence that surgery does anything. There're anti-inflammatories, but, well, I did that for many many months. I've probably taken enough ibuprofen in the last six months to damage my liver as much as a week of binge drinking would. There are compression braces, splints, herbs, mystical rituals, acupuncture and physical therapy, but all of those things have about equal proof behind them. Tendonitis is a mysterious condition apparently.
Tendonitis is caused by repetitive motion. Some people are prone to it, some people just do things that cause it a lot. I'm guessing I'm kinda prone, but I don't know.

Anyway, the point is that the only thing I can to do not have the pain is, well, not doing the thing that causes the pain, which is... not what I wanted to hear. Not even a little bit. It means that I can either hurt a lot or I can give up like... my life as of the last six months. I have to give up sewing.
Pinning is what does it the most. Typing also does it, but with a bigger desk and better keyboard I can manage that just fine. There's nothing I can do to make pinning not make me hurt like crazy.
Of course, being me, I've learned to cope with pain. As a frequent migraine sufferer who is afraid of/very much dislikes doctors, I've managed to get a handle on the pain and be some semblance of a human being during the attacks. I think I'm getting kind of close to that level of tolerance with the tendon pain, and so I may just keep going. On the other hand the more I exacerbate it the higher the chances of doing permanent damage, which isn't something I can be okay with...

So, I think I'm going to give up sewing (or pinning and cutting, really. I'm perfectly capable of the actual sewing part) because I don't want to be crippled. I'll probably still do a little bit here and there but I can't do everything I wanted to do and I can't make any kind of a living off of it. I'm not sure what this means for the 6-person Avatar group I was going to make large and complicated costumes for... I think I'll have to drop a few of them and try to do the others one every like... month an a half or some very slow pace that allows me to get plenty of wrist rest.
Anyway, yeah, very... upsetting. Very, very, very upsetting. I've just started really loving sewing and finding out all the really awesome things I can do. I've even started making /real/ clothes, the kind that you wear out in the real world and stuff. And it's amazing. Blah.
In other news: My aunt is getting married this weekend, I'm having surgery for a cyst in my hand in about a month, my sister-in-law is having a baby any day now (although no one has actually told us that she's pregnant yet, I just over heard morning sickness comments and saw a facebook post about her going into labor), I start school in less than a month and Andrew's grandma is dying of pancreatic cancer. I've actually processed only one of those things so far. :/

Current Mood: uncomfortableupset

RENT

It is awesome. I saw it for the first time last night and will have seen it three times and the documentary by the end of the night. It makes me cry but it also helps take my mind off of all the shit going on right now, like the fact that we're broke, my in-laws still have not informed us that we have a new niece or nephew arriving any day now, my great uncle is in the hospital and Andrew's grandmother is dying of pancreatic cancer. Also, I my aunt is getting married and I have gaming on the same day as the Convergence volunteer party. Lame. I really wanted to go to that really bad.

Michael Jackson is dead. That or this is an amazing hoax or show of media miscommunication causing a frenzy.
He died at 4ish central time. Is it weird that I had "Smooth Criminal" stuck in my head for about 15 minutes before I turned on the news and saw that his death had just been announced? It's at least a very strange coincidence.

So, that makes three major celebrities to have died in the last two days - Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.
CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, E!, the TV Guide channel and the local news on every station are all talking about Michael. MTV and BET have canceled their programming to play his videos/talk about him and NBC will be doing the same for two hours tonight. Wow. o_o
This is probably what it will be like when Madonna dies.

I'm completely done with all mandatory sewing for the costumes. I might make another pouch for my costume or Andrew's, but that would be completely unneeded. Hooray!
Now for the rest of the props and packing...

It seems I only ever use this as an outlet anymore, never any real updates about my day to day life or thoughts. I'm alone and feeling down again and no one is online to talk to, so I turn to my journal to try and express my frustrations in hopes that it will make me feel better.

Sallas has a heart murmur and he's just barely more than a year old. Murmurs are graded on a scale of 6, 1 being hardly audible in a quiet room with a stethoscope and 6 being able to be heard or felt without a stethoscope. Sallas's is a grade 4. The best thing they can do to figure out the cause of his heart murmur is an ultrasound which will cost around $350. It's... going to be hard to afford, but for everyone's sake I think we need to have it done. I can't stand worrying and not knowing what's wrong with him. The pessimistic side of me is afraid he'll just be dead when I come home one of these days because he had a heart attack or something. I'm really, really scared that it's going to end up being best for him to be put down. Not only does that hurt me on a level I didn't really think was possible, but I can't imagine what it would do to Kiletti. They've only ever been apart for a total of an hour and a half (and that's being generous) over their entire lives.
Kiletti also seems to be upset about something. She's really severely hyper vocalizing. I would think she was in heat if that was possible. I think she's bored. I really wish we could afford a big kitty condo for her to play in and perch on but that would be another $100-$150. Stupid money.

I had my EMG today, which is a test for carpal tunnel. It was awful. First they sent electricity down my arm in pulses multiple times on multiple nerves and it made me twitch really bad. The twitching was mostly annoying, but the place that the electricity was being pushed into me hurt a lot, a really bad stabbing and burning sensation.
So after that they actually stabbed me. The doctor (resident) took this needle, which had a microphone inside of it, and shoved it into a muscle, and them wiggled it around and listened to the noise, and then had me flex the muscle so he could wiggle the needle around and listen to that. He did that in my bicep, tricep, tricep again, inner elbow, the back of my hand near the webbing and the nice, thick muscle at the base of my thumb. It... wow.. Yea. I do not recommend it. At all. I was leaving the doctor's office 2 hours ago and it's still really stiff, sore and puffy by each needle spot. The needle wasn't a whole lot bigger than an acupuncture needle, probably a 25 gauge, but the doctor wasn't very good about how he put them in and wiggling the needle around an inch or two deep in my muscle was just horrible. Also, I bled.
Anyway, the conclusion: There's nothing wrong with my nerves or muscles and whatever is wrong with my wrist is not causing long term nerve damage at this time.
I get to go back on the 30th. I wont leave without an answer.

Andrew burned himself really bad yesterday. We have a little baby ironing board that you can use on your lap. So he did. And when he was fussing around with the Vault 101 jumpsuit the iron tipped over and burned his stomach pretty bad. It's bright red and you can see where the holes in the iron are based on the little white circles left on his stomach. It was bad but apparently it pretty much doesn't hurt at all today.

CONvergence is coming up really fast. I think the costumes are pretty much done but I feel like there's more to do than I can handle. I'm nervous but I think it will all turn out. On the other hand I really don't feel up to working tonight because of my arm and that will set me back some.

I still desperately need people to watch my cats. There are a few people willing to stop by and feed them but with Sallas's serious heart murmur I really want someone to be here with them for most of the time and I've run out of people to ask. I'm even willing to take them to someone else's house provided there aren't already animals there and their house isn't a deathtrap to adventurous, kitten-minded cats. I wish Lisa was still in the city...

There's a family reunion this weekend but I can't go. Jenny is out on bail, so that's nice... but she'll be going to prison before I get the chance to see her again. I hope my mom and grandparents have a good time.

Someone was killed like... a block from my apartment a day or two ago. They got backed up over by an ambulance that was responding to some old person who had driven through the fence that separates Walgreen's from the alleyway. It was kind of funny watching the person on the news talking about how the woman that died was really special to everyone in the neighborhood. I'd never even seen her face before and I've lived here for more than two years. I don't know if something is wrong with me or what, but I felt really bad about it until I learned it was an old woman. I mean, yeah, it's sad. People will miss her. On the other hand, she was old and probably didn't have a whole lot more time left and she probably didn't have anyone who depended on her. Way better her than a kid or someone who was still raising children or supporting a family. The ambulance driver had been in the military and had been an EMT for well more than a decade and wasn't on anything. It was really just a complete freak accident.

I've been trying to not pay attention to the whole Iran thing. It makes me really, really upset and there isn't a goddamn thing I can do about any of it. I really wish someone would step in like, oh... I dunno... the UN?! Isn't that kind of what they exist for? Just to step in and try to sort things out and keep the peace? Iran is having serious problems. Thousands of people are protesting, hundreds of them are being killed and no matter what the cause or what side you take, that's not the way things should be. Maybe the UN has stepped in, I don't know, I've been trying to distance myself from it, but... yeah. It makes me really, deeply upset and I have nothing to do with those feelings which just makes it worse.

Anyway, I always babble way too long on these things and no one ever responds (probably because of the whole tl;dr sentiment) so I'm gonna go do other things with my evening. I feel a little better... kind of.

Current Mood: distresseddistressed

I turn 21 in two days.
Or a day and a half, I suppose.
I'll be on my way to Dave and Buster's in 48 hours. Exciting.
I'm really not usually a birthday person. I don't care for them much and don't really celebrate them, but this is a big one. I'll actually be a full citizen, able to drink, conceal and carry a gun, rent a car, and probably other things that I can't think of/don't know about. My next major birthday wont be for 9 years, nearly half my life over again.

Current Mood: irritatedimpatient

Well, I went to the doctor about my wrist/hand yesterday. I made the appointment in April. Back in April, I only had pain in my right wrist. Now, having been trying not to use my right hand for more than a month because I have no idea what's wrong with it, I've developed a problem in my left hand.
So, my appointment time was 4:00. The nurse called me back at 4:55 and my doctor came in at 5:10.
He took a look and a feel. Sounds like there's a very real possibility I have carpal tunnel in my left hand. Sounds like I do not at all have carpal tunnel in my right. Possibilities for my right wrist: Broken bone that wasn't treated and healed wrong, severe tendinitis that will require physical therapy, bursitis, or some kind of arthritis.
I'm betting there's virtually no chance that I wont need physical therapy, given that it's really most likely bursitis or tendinitis (or some other kind of repetitive motion injury) that has not gotten better with rest and anti-inflammatory drugs. I guess there's the small chance it was a poorly healed break, in which case they'll want to break my wrist and re-set it... and I guess there's the chance it's arthritis - my uncle got it young (he's had it for years and he's 32 right now). But... if it's arthritis, then I've had arthritis for about a year and I would have thought I would be having the pain other joints by now.
A small bump has appeared on the joint of my middle finger closest to my palm. It hurts when anything presses on it... Probably unrelated.

Anyway, so I got x-rays taken of my right wrist and fingers and then I'm getting the EMG (a test for carpal tunnel) on both arms on my birthday. Yay. Apparently it takes a week before the test results are given to the doctor, but I still don't get to see him again until the 30th. The fucking 30th.

So, basically, I waited a month and a half to go to the doctor where I sat in the waiting room for an hour after my appointment time just to be told that I need a test, that he can't do anything for me and I need to come back in another month. Which means I'm kinda screwed because my painkillers are not doing enough for the pain and I have four costumes to make. Andrew is being very helpful with them, but he needs to do the dishes, make food, and generally take care of the house while I'm like this. I help, but he has to do the majority of it. It feels really unfair to him and I hate making him do most of the costumes too.
I also hate that I can't do whatever I want. I want to play video games. I want to be able to type this much without a lot of pain. I want to cut and pin my costume myself. I want to keep the house looking nice. It's just impossible and I wont even know when or how to get better for another month. I'm going crazy. I've been having a really hard time handling everything for the past month, I can't imagine another month of this, especially when there's so much to do. I think it would be a lot easier if I at least actually knew what the problem was. Then I would know /something/ and I would feel like progress has been made.
It's testing my patience which is effecting all aspects of my life. I think I need to cancel my D&D game, actually. I can't handle 7 players right now. I mean, normally, no problem. With all this stress... It's just too much. I don't have the mental fortitude to handle it right now. I should probably think about that another day or two before I call everyone to tell them it's off... but I've been thinking about it for a day or two already and I'm pretty sure it's the route I'm going to have to take. Maybe I can run a small game with three or four players that's mostly roleplaying and little dice rolling because handling books also hurts my wrist.
Okay, it's like... screaming at me now. I've been trying to ignore it and just let myself do what I want to do for one but I really can't keep it up at this point.
Ugh.

Current Mood: distresseddistressed

I haven't posted anything worth posting it a while so... I guess I'll just catch everyone up on the big things.

I've finally applied for fafsa and will be applying to Metro as soon as my transcript arrives.
I've got really really bad carpal tunnel and don't use the computer much anymore. I'm seeing a surgeon on June 2nd which is more than a month after I scheduled the appointment. I'm hoping to go in for surgery on June 15th because that will give me a birthday full of liquor and three weeks to recover before CONvergence.
Speaking of, I turn 21 in about a month.
Also, on account of the carpal tunnel, I need serious help with four exceptionally simple costumes. Actually, just 3 since one of them is just a set of coveralls that I'm buying from Dickies.
My cosplays for CONvergence: Malon from Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask and Moira Brown from Fallout 3. Andrew will be going as Link (Zelda) and The Lone Wanderer (Fallout 3). I'm really hoping Jason will join us as Three Dog from Fallout.
My mom found out that she has diabetes. That makes my mom, my grandpa, my grandpa's brother and my grandma's mom who have (or had) diabetes in the family. I'm starting to suspect that I have diabetes as well, or at least that I'm hypoglycemic.
I was the Sims 3 really freaking bad but my computer has half the ram I need, .3Ghz less processing power than I need, and I guess I need support for Pixel Shader 2.0 and I really don't think I have that. I hate how technology becomes obsolete after only 5-6 years. My grandma has a 40 year old sewing machine that's still perfectly good but my computer can't even make it half a decade.
Andrew is going to school over the summer. :/
Andrea, are you going to convergence? If yes, do you need a room? If no, can you watch my kitties that weekend?
The kitties are officially not kittens anymore. They had their first birthday last month. I still call them kittens, though.
Okay, I think that makes all the big stuff. I need to stop typing now. Goodnight.

Current Mood: discontentdiscontent

The Omnivore’s Hundred

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.

The Omnivore’s Hundred

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

I'm posting from Anime Detour using my brand new laptop. It's excellent. :) Despite having my geta break and having to completely miss the Bleach photoshoot I'm in a very good mood. That is all.

Anime Detour is on Friday. We have so much to do and really seriously could use way more hands than we have. I think it'll all get done, but I'm really panicked about it, especially since I'm getting near to useless with my wrist giving up on me. I /will/ have a panic attack by the time we open on Friday, I can feel the anxiety building and building and I really thought I was going to lose it a while ago. Not only am I nervous about the convention, but I'm nervous about how nervous I am and about how badly I'm going to break down. I'm scared I'm going to be useless after it happens, I'm hoping I'll shake and cry and not be able to breathe and either throw up or pass out and then be able to get back to feeling normal and carry on with my day. I don't usually pass out or throw up, but I usually don't have this level of stress and fear building for this long. And 'usually' is a deceptive term as I've only had a few panic attacks. I guess we'll just have to see. My list of things to do is extensive and overwhelming.
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Current Mood: anxiousanxious
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