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Aconite
31 March 2008 @ 12:58 am
I am well aware of what I got into by falling for Jessor, but fuck my ass...He makes me feel my age sometimes. He was at his grandparents for Easter, and never came back until tonight, no phone call, no email...nothing. I thought he was gone for the Wochende, and when he didn't come home, I was sick. SICK SICK SICK, all I could think was the worst. He is Schizophrenic and god knows they are impulsive and Jessor doesn't always have an easy time staying "here", he comes online and is all "I'm so sorry, I cannot imagine what I have put your through" ( he never uses can't or don't it's always cannot/do not heee) he just freaked out apparently, and I understand, I had a feeling he was heading for a relapse at some point, and I feel responsible. Relationships are hard enough for "normal" people, but for people like Jesse, it's even worse. He was so cute "I am sorry I ran away, I will not do that ever again" awwww he's so sweet, and so fucked up...I love this kid. I knew getting into this that we would have hard times, and the fact that he ever told me he was schizophrenic says a lot about our relationship, he trusts me...and thats hard for him to do. I do not like feeling 32, it makes me feel shitty, but it's not his fault. I knew at the outset there would be hard days, and that we really earn the good ones, but if we just put one day after another, when Jesse looks back on his life, he will have had a lifetime of good memories.

So I hope.

If he ever does this again, I will punch him in the throat. I love him, but he took at least 20 minutes off my fucking life. *sigh* Is it worth it? Every fucking day is worth it. He is worth it.
I hope he knows that.





This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own, too long
When you hold me like you do
It feels so right, oh now
Start to forget how my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feelin' like I can't go on.
Turnin' circles time again
Cut like a knife, oh now
If you love me got to know for sure
Cuz' it takes something more this time
Then sweet, sweet lies, oh now
Before I open up my arms and fall losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
When you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singin' ain't this life so sweet?
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
Cuz' whose to worry if our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you notice life goes on
Won't you kiss me on that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singin' ain't this life so sweet
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last,
This years love had better last,

Jessor playing like a gangsta...he would kill me if he knew I posted this, but it's one of a few pics of him without really bad bruises on his face, just a liitle banged up :( (he hurts himself sometimes) but he is such a pretty boy, and look at those eyes. I wanna put mascara on him :D

 
 
Current Mood: draineddrained
 
 
Aconite
15 May 2007 @ 09:06 pm
been waiting for this ignorant fuck to die for years. Today has been one of the better days I've had....first no work, the no Falwell...sweeet

http://cbs2.com/topstories/local_story_135191938.html
 
 
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
 
 
Aconite
16 February 2007 @ 09:44 pm
feh  
I feel much better after being in the stupid hospital.

I went and had my teeth cleaned on the 21 of january, took my antibiotics as usual...but then i started to feel really bad, my heart was racing so bad, and I couldn't breath...I of course decided to wait it out. Well nuts, I finally go in, because my heart was beating 300 bpm and i really couldn't breathe at all. They did some tests and it turns out I caught myoendocarditis, and inflammation in my heart muscle, so into the hospital I go, 2 weeks of IV fucking drugs, all because I got my teeth cleaned. How is that possible? I shot heroin, etc for 13 years and never got sick, but I go and get my fucking teeth cleaned (they're in perfect shape by the way) and end up with this. Fucking pissed...meh

I'm all betteer now, I just have to take 3 ggrams of antibiotics everyday after I get tattooed or pierced, or have my teeth cleaned.

I quit smoking!

sorta, I smoke maybe 3 a day, down from two packs a day for 22 years...I'd say I'm doing pretty good.

wish me luck!!
 
 
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
 
 
Aconite
16 February 2007 @ 09:30 pm
Finally got my Wolfsheim tattoo done today, I get it coloured and finished in two weeks. all it says is:

All and more
than you could fear
has happened here

in calligraphy script, it comes from my shoulder blades down to the middle of my back, we're colouring it in a black that fades into a blood red in the letters, my tattooist said he wanted to add blood spatters to it as well, and I suggested a banner background with bows that are "pinned" into my skin.

I will post a picture of it when it is done.

I am so fucking happy, you have no idea. People keep asking me what does it say? what does it mean? I just turn to them and say, what do you fear? This tattoo sums up my life, and the first time i heard underneath the veil, it changed my life...I knew then that this one line meant something more than just a line from a song, it WAS and IS my life.

Cathartic to say the least, I feel like all the fears and terrors have finally been exorcised. My life has been....

well, never mind.
 
 
Current Mood: exanimateexanimate
 
 
Aconite
12 January 2007 @ 05:05 am
how 15 of a 16 hour shift....fuck am I tired.


Germany better be worth it...fuck ya, it'll be worth these nightmare shifts!!!
 
 
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
 
 
 
Aconite
12 January 2007 @ 12:15 am
Something ugly this way comes
Through my fingers sliding inside
All these blessings all these burns
I'm godless underneath your cover
Search for pleasure search for pain
In this world now I am undying
I unfurl my flag my nation helpless

Black black heart why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me to satisfy
I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds

As I begin to lose my grip
On these realities your sending
Taste your mind and taste your sex
I'm naked underneath your cover
Covers lie and we will bend and borrow
With the coming sign
The tide will take the sea will rise and time will rape

Black black heart why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me to satisfy
I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds

Black black heart why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me to satisfy
I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds
All your sex and your diamonds
All your sex and your diamonds
All your sex and your diamonds
All your sex and your diamonds
 
 
Aconite
20 December 2006 @ 01:49 pm
*sigh*
My beloved Lola pig passed away on Saturday, day after Bella's birthday. I guess she wanted to wait, so it wouldn't be n even harder day. I take miss piggy to be cremated tomorrow, *sniffle* I'm fine then I cry, I'm fine then I cry, STUPID PIG!! I don't mean that, I just wish she was still here.

Po - the bad boyfriend is quite sad about it too, she keeps lying in the corner of the cage where Lola died, Poor piggy, as much sa they fought...they were still sisters and they loved each other.
 
 
Current Mood: sadsad
 
 
Aconite
07 December 2006 @ 01:10 pm
well fuck me, if anyone had told me a year ago that I would have a work ethic...I would have peed. but no. I do.

I have been at this whoring job now for 6 months, and guess what!? I've been promoted TWICE. I am now the evening opertions supervisor. ME, a supervisor. BWAHAHAHAHAHA. To think that Chris has been at his job 4 years, and still hasn't been promoted, and me at my job for six months...

*snicker*

I make more than he does too, ROXOR FOR ME!!

I'm tired though. work work work work work sleeeeeeeeep work work work work work sleeeeeeeep.

meh, can't complain. I'm happy.

REALLY REALLY REALLY HAPPY


for the first time in a very long time, I'm happy with who I am. I miss the company of someone close, but it's not so bad.

I work, I sleep, I game.

life is so much simpler now.


Kr_lik I misses the you!!!
we'll talk soon, k. email me <3
 
 
Aconite
04 September 2006 @ 03:39 pm
much love to all of you...


I'm still here.....


for now.
 
 
Aconite
01 June 2006 @ 08:23 pm
I need a celebratory drink!

anyone in?