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find your own heart. . [entries|friends|calendar]
life ain't nothing but bitches and money.




[ bands | killnormal.com/jessay ]
[ friends | picturetrail.com/iamreallycool ]
[ myspace | profiles.myspace.com/users/343115 ]
[ make this my last breath without her ]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[15 Nov 2004|08:14am]
[ mood | restless ]

worst feeling is when people only want you around when they have nothing better to do.

bye guys, this journal is dead.

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POST ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING MESSAGE BOARD!!!!111

pull this page from the pulpit | 3 | take your space on the carpet

the rain made you so still, more quieter than you'd think. . [14 Nov 2004|02:34pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

so i went to the webster underground last night. i got the sweet mapquest directions that say "take the exit" so when i was on the phone with alli oh! in the car she gave me the directions off the webster website. we talked like the whole way there. it was amazing, i didn't get lost and i got to park in the parking lot. weird.

so i go in and just take a seat because nobody was there yet. then all of a sudden tony runs in and like slaps me five and goes "i gotta go to the bathroom!!" haha, funny. then he runs back out and i guess they had to park somewhere else. so everyone comes in and i greet them and give them hugs and whatnot. then all of a sudden the place was packed with emo-trendy fifteen year olds. sweet.

so we watch the first band and they were the skinniest band i've ever seen haha. they weren't bad though. me and brian were joking about how my clothes would be loose on them haha. we spent most of the show in the other room playing the video games and making jokes. apparently there is a new saying, "omg wtf bbq." and something about having tape all over your face. . . haha ok.

the guys from patent pending showed up and one of the guys was hilarious. he kept making jokes to us. the guys went on and played an old song for me. thank god haha. tony kept making references to his cold nipples (omfg) jenk showed up in the middle of the set, it was good to see her. after the set i sat at merch, various people joined me throughout the evening. i took a few pictures while one of the bands were on.

you said when we are older. .Collapse )

we decided to go drink at tony's house. i asked brian and kevin if they could buy me something and kevin goes "are you a slutty drunk?" i said no and he goes "pshh, then i'm not buying you shit!" hilarious. so they head out and i sit in the fuckign parking lot on the phone with alli oh! for like fifteen minutes. we picked the best time to leave, right when the show at the webster theater was getting out. so everyone was leaving the parking lot at the same time and nobody would let me pull out in front of them. so after i finally get out i'm stopped in traffic and this fight breaks out on the sidewalk. i'm freaking out to alli oh! yelling "omg, i hope nobody has a gun!" haha. i manage to make it back to the highway with little problem though.

i get to tony's house and we all head inside (well, after standing outside for like ten mintues while tony talked to his dad) we watched this goofy jackie chan movie and i was too tired to fucking get drunk. i drank a little but i was just passing out. after i stayed over brian's house and we wathced aqua teen hunger force and the labrynth. i was so tired that i was making no sense. we start talking aout board games and i say "remember back in the day when girls never won?" and brian was like "what the fuck are you talking about?" and was saying that i was at the stage where i was so tired that things made sense in my head, but not when i said them. so good. he made fun of me like every five minutes after that.

this morning i headed home. i stopped to take some pictures though.

that's enough to make me feel all right when you're goneCollapse )

yeah work tonight from 7pm to 7am. awesome. . . hopefully they'll put this new idea for mandatory overtime in effect, so that i can count tonights overtime, do it again next sunday, and then not have to work on saturday (that made no sense to anyoen but me) but yeah, then i wouldn't be exhausted for mates of state on saturday.

pull this page from the pulpit | 5 | take your space on the carpet

her lungs and liver screaming mercy mercy mercy, while they rearranged the wires in her heart. [13 Nov 2004|10:26am]
[ mood | lazy ]

i found something to do that doesn't involve being all alone at some random new hampshire show. i'm gonna go see the skeptics at a few of their shows today and hang with that "crew" haha. they're always a blast. brian sent me a message on myspace telling me to come down last night, but i fell asleep at 2:00pm and slept til 5:00am (heh) so ya know, didn't get that until today. either way, this will be fun. i was looking at the two shows, the first is in cambridge and it says 12pm. . i don't know what's up with that. the other one is at the webster underground, so i'll at least make it there (even though i fucking ahte that place)

so hoepfully brian will get in touch with me today so we can make some sort of plan, time for me to take a shower.

take your space on the carpet

needle on the record player scratching at the splinter in my brain [12 Nov 2004|08:55am]
[ mood | busy ]

i don't know what the fuck i'm doing this weekend. i want to see a lot of people at once and just be surrounded by positive people and have a good time. that could hold me over for the next week at work and fucking crazy amounts of overtime (four extra hours this sunday, mandatory next saturday-well, friday 11pm-7am on saturday)


options for shows are:

friday, november 12 @ 7pm
f o r e v e r i n m o t i o n
feeling left out
umass @ the vpac - lowell, ma

saturday, november 13 @ 5pm
watches, no compass
antietam
cities
et tu brute
alexander carr cafe - 1 pierce ave, derry, nh

saturday, november 13 @ 7pm
f o r e v e r i n m o t i o n
feeling left out
the sad cafe - plaistow, nh

both of the saturday shows are about an hour and a half away from me. . which is why i rarely bother with nh shows in general. i'd go tonight if lisa is going and i can get a ride with her. if you see this lisa, let me know what's up.

either way, i don't know what i want to go to. saturday would be nice to kind of give new bands from a new area a chance. i dunno. i'm sure i'd be hiding in a corner the whole time because i'm terrible at meeting people when i know nobody. say i went to lowell tonight, i'd definitely go to plaistow tomorrow. . i don't knowwww. if i had high speed internet i'd download some of these bands to see if they're any good.


ummm, so christmas is coming up and i'm not very wealthy. so i don't think i'm buying anything for anyone outside of my family. i might do something for my closest friends. . i don't know. i'd do things for people but i get the feeling that i'd get nothing in return as per usual. which christmas is about giving, but i give all year round and have nothing to show for it. errr getting irritable again.

i was thinking about doing something small for bands as a whole, the ones i'm close to. we'll see.

so i'm trying to design some t-shirts for a few bands that asked me to. this sucks. it's like, i think of ideas for shirts all the time, but when asked to design something i just draw a complete blank. either that or i can find a good picture to use for my idea. i made a design for a glassjaw shirt recently. i put it up at deviantart.com. i'm gonna start putting a lot of stuff up on there.


that's a really small version of the glassjaw one. i might make it into a shirt after i get my check. i'm gonna get a bunch of blank shirts and tank tops and shit i'll need.

umm, attn: people who wanted me to design a shirt for them

a.) do you want lyrics involved?
b.) if yes, which songs or specific lyrics are preferred? if no, a stupid slogan?
c.) what style would you like? options are:
-scenic/industrial/object photo turned black and white (like the malachi and 1905 ones)
-person/people turned black and white and colored (like the glassjaw one)
-random designs mixed together
d.) do you prefer a black shirt or are other colors an option?
haha i'm bad at this shit.

uhh, that's all for now.

oh wait.

i gave them a try. . blehCollapse )

pull this page from the pulpit | 10 | take your space on the carpet

[11 Nov 2004|10:43am]
attn: friends

what am i doing this weekend?

i have no idea what shows are happening, who will be where, anything. someone give me plans for friday and saturday STAT!

yo get me drunk too.

love,
jessay
pull this page from the pulpit | 2 | take your space on the carpet

riot shields, voodoo economics, it's, it's just business [10 Nov 2004|09:35am]
[ mood | cranky ]

so many things i would rather be doing with my life than working in a fucking factory.

three thingsCollapse )

if you're ever really bored and in need of a laugh, go here and read all the comments. i swear, i'm so ashamed to be a part of this nonsense.

pull this page from the pulpit | 13 | take your space on the carpet

[08 Nov 2004|12:38pm]
[ mood | creative ]

apparently the t-shirt/hoodie design thing is working for me

she's craftyCollapse )

pull this page from the pulpit | 18 | take your space on the carpet

you only want the one that makes you crazy. [08 Nov 2004|09:31am]
[ mood | nauseated ]

it'd be cool if my body would actually let me throw up instead of just coughing up stomach acid and burning my throat.

sorry if you read that. i know it's gross. i throw up like once every two years. my body like. . . can't do it or something. i keep gagging and nothing besides this burning in my throat and back of my mouth is coming from it. awesome.

uhhh. . i'm considering making a friends only journal and only telling like five people about it since people have proven to me that they don't understand the concept of "friends only" and like to share what i say with everyone who shouldn't know. real cool guys. the thing is, i need to vent about practically everything in my life, and this is how i do it. but if i can't trust that the information i'm writing isn't going to go beyond my friends list, even my special extra-private friends list, well there goes my form of fucking venting. thanks guys. thanks for having big fucking mouths and causing extra drama for me. there's a big difference between trash talking and venting. if i wanted what i said to be public, don't you think i would make it that way?

regardless, i'm going over the idea, it's very tempting. . i just hate that it's necessary.


(Leave answers in a comment...
Y = Yes.
N = No.
M = Maybe, depends.
* = You already have.)

Would you ...
( ) hang out with me?
( ) give me your number?
( ) go out on date with me?
( ) dance with me? (assume that I will one day remember how to dance)
( ) try to kiss me?
( ) try to make out with me?
( ) play a board/card game with me?
( ) play pool with me?
( ) play volleyball/basketball/team sport with me?
( ) snowboard/ski with me?
( ) go to the beach for a swim with me?
( ) watch a movie with me... even a really sappy one?
( ) watch a movie with me... even a gore/action one?
( ) let me take you out to dinner?
( ) drive me somewhere/anywhere?
( ) let me use your shower?
( ) want to have a fling with me?
( ) be my boyfriend?
( ) listen to me if I called you, crying, even if you were out with all of your friends?
( ) buy me a drink if I didn't have money?
( ) take me home for the night?
( ) let me sleep in your bed?
( ) sing car karaoke with me?
( ) sit waiting someplace with me because I didn't want to go alone?
( ) come and pick me up, after being woken up, because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?



oh yeah, and i've said it before and i'll say it again: to the people who call me uninformed, stupid, ignorant, closed-minded, WHATEVER because i DISAGREE with your OPINION on a subject, fuck off. i can't even begin to express my distaste for YOUR fucking ignorance.

o·pin·ion n - a personal belief or judgment that is not founded on proof or certainty / the expression of a belief that is held with confidence but not substantiated by positive knowledge or proof

just as my opinion is not fact, neither is yours. opinions are based on a lot of things and to call an opinion correct or incorrect is fucking bullshit if you ask me. while i can disagree with you, i will never call you stupid for it. i DO understand that some of my views are controversial, and may offend, but people offend me without apology, so i really couldn't care less. the fucking end.

pull this page from the pulpit | 5 | take your space on the carpet

[06 Nov 2004|08:23am]
bah, so i just got home from mandatory overtime, now i have no plans for the weekend. just great, i love pointless weekends.

me and michelle might go see a movie tonight.

what i really want to do is get drunk and kiss a boy (pathetic, i know) but it's something i haven't done in a while, so ya know. time for fucking bed. >:(
pull this page from the pulpit | 5 | take your space on the carpet

[05 Nov 2004|10:06am]
so yeah, fuck madatory overtime right up it's ass. instead of getting to see my friends and a good show tonight, i get to make filters. . just like i have been doing for the last five fucking days. seriously job, fuck off.

i still want to move out of the country. it's hard to find out how though.

ummm. . . alli oh! if you want to do something tomorrow night give me a damn plan.

i'm going to keene to cash my check and get digital pictures turned into real ones (i'm going to hang them up if me and michelle move in together) and then get my car inspected. hooray for a fun day! or not.

i'm also going to make the sweetest 1905 hoodie in the history of 1905 hoodies ever. and i made a nice little malachi constant shirt already, even though they broke up. the design:

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

simple, i like it.
pull this page from the pulpit | 2 | take your space on the carpet

we are ok in a misguided sadist way. [03 Nov 2004|08:43am]
[ mood | gloomy ]

i am at a loss for words today, so. .

we are ok in a disabled veteran way.Collapse )

err life.

who wants to get a big group together, move to a cooler country, and buy a big fucking house with me? can all my good friends come along?

pull this page from the pulpit | 8 | take your space on the carpet

you hate everything about me cause you're perfect and i'm not. [02 Nov 2004|01:12pm]
[ mood | blank ]

so last night was big d and t.i.p. at keene state. good shit. i got to see the few decent keene area kids (lisa, crusta, dustin-not my brother, brendon, nicole, ali, etc) and hang out for a while before work. they had this guy talking about bush and all the bullshit he's done and people were being so disrespectful. people were literally talking over him and he had a mic. i felt so bad, he was giving it his all and nobody even listened (with the exception of me and a few others when people weren't so obnoxiously loud)

so i got in the "pit" for big d and convinced them to play "take another look" for me right before i had to leave for work. it was hilarious, they were like "where do you work? what do you do? etc." and i'm like ahh, just play it! haha. so they did and i had a blast. then i said my goodbyes and headed to work.

so by the end of our shift the subject of voting came up and michelle informed christina that i was voting for kerry. christina starts freaking out and telling me i'm wrong and throwing out bullshit with no facts to back it up. meanwhile i'm just sitting there like "whatever, you're not going to change my vote, i'm not trying to change yours, leave it alone." then me and michelle decided to work overtime for four hours ($15 an hour. . . not bad) so we did bagging with all these older women. at first me and michelle were just joking around and talking about the past (we've known each other for eleven years so we have a lot of past. . haha) and then it came back to the election. every woman in that room supported bush and were going on and on about it. i'm like sweet, how the hell am i supposed to defend my position against four anti-bush people. i can't, because nothing i say is going to matter to them.

so yeah, i get out of work, went and voted, came home, got harassed again, life is awesome.

attn: big d and other bands play around here more often, i like having something to do during the week.
attn: drama queens fuck yourselves.
attn: people telling other people who to vote for stfu

pull this page from the pulpit | 2 | take your space on the carpet

now i want my old life back. [01 Nov 2004|09:11am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

wow, so people are so fucking pathetic and ugly (internally which then makes their external qualities seem not so pretty)

i'm considering devising a list of all the people who sincerely care about me, and deleting the rest off of my "friends list" j/k j/k. . well, only about the friends list part. but really, i was thinking about it. i was imagining myself when i first got into the "scene." i was remembering how positive and amazing everything was. then i was thinking about how far downhill everything and almost everyone has gone.

there are so few people who i actually trust and respect at this point. i feel like all of my efforts have been wasted. i feel like fucking giving up.

i don't understand why people are the way they are. i don't understand why people are all fucking talk on the internet but don't do shit when they see me. they act all peachy fucking keen when in my presence. i don't understand why people say "i want to stop fighting with you, let's be cool" and then continue to spread lies about me.

i have so much fucking ammo to discredit certain people, and i don't use it. people still think i'm this bad person because i try to be the BIGGER person. i stopped for christ's sake! i just have this problem of actually meaning what i say, and doing what i say i'm going to do, and trusting that others will do the same.

if i'm a hateful person, i am what i am because people made me this way. as i said before, things used to be so positive. i thought things would be different than they were in high school. i thought the friends i was making, and the people i was involving myself with were sincere. i thought that people loved and/or respected me. i thought wrong. i don't know how much more i can take. i seriously want to leave it all behind, but where would i go? everywhere is going to be the same.

people are cruel. people are selfish. people are heartless.

it's the few people who do care that get walked all over.






tonight

big d
t.i.p.
some others?

keene state college.

i'm going before work.




also, something that happened on sat has been on my mind SINCE it happened. :/ boys, stop confusing me. i hate it.







Number of people on my lj friends list: 56
whom I've met in person: 52
whom I've met in person more than once: 50
whose house I've been to: 24
who have been to my house: 24
whose precise geographic location I know offhand: 35
whose full names I know offhand: 37
whom I've followed/been in touch with for more than 3 years: 12
whose journal I consider myself "addicted" to: maybe one
whose ex I slept with: 0
who I'd do: 15
who I've done: 2

___visual__aids's LiveJournal Slut Stats
The below percentages indicate what ___visual__aids has done with the 57 people on her friends list!
met

89.5%
hugged

68.4%
dated

1.8%
kissed

10.5%
seen topless

26.3%
seen naked

3.5%
phone sexed

0.0%
made out

8.8%
oral sex

1.8%
fucked

3.5%
What are your LiveJournal Slut Stats?
Sponsored via Adult Friend Finder. Keep this meme and others like it checking it out or getting free account! You may meet the match of your dreams!



always funny to see how much "progress" i've made. :P
pull this page from the pulpit | 1 | take your space on the carpet

[31 Oct 2004|06:32pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

i always have to be the queen of controversy.

fucking sad that a halloween costume is taken so seriously.

FeNixFiRe 0 0: i love you

haha, the people who do care are all that matter. accept me for who i am, or fuck off. kthnxbye.

the show was pretty fun overall. my costume was hilarious (though some took it far too seriously) i got to have fun dressing up with my girls. i adore you all. i got to see my boys for the first time in over a month. i gave and received the hardest hugs EVER! haha. i danced and sang and laughed my ass off at the costumes.

oh man. some guy tried to pick a fight with us at the parth. colin's reply of "you should fuck yourself" or something similar shut the guy right up. so funny. i want to go into detail about everything but i'm just too tired.

Read more...Collapse )

pull this page from the pulpit | 1 | take your space on the carpet

who do you trust when your friends take a match to your front lawn? [29 Oct 2004|08:12pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

the mall was pretty fun. i'm glad i went. i got a sweet hat, a jacket, blood brothers: crimes, black christmas (dvd), uhh that's it. i convinced melissa to buy glassjaw: everything you ever wanted to know about silence, i think she'll like it.

show tomorrow. i get to see my boys, tons of my friends, three of my favorite local bands. <3

on another note, i'm seriously losing faith in the youth of today, not to mention, the entire human race. the lack of intelligent and unique young adults is ridiculous. i want to go into more detail but i've been awake for twenty-six hours and need some sleep to think clearly.

take your space on the carpet

[29 Oct 2004|09:50am]
i'm about to go to the nashua mall with michelle and melissa. some funny shit happened today at work. the lady at mr mikes told me all about her religion, and i drove into a ditch in my own driveway! what a day.
take your space on the carpet

you judge a soul by a lie that was told. . [28 Oct 2004|04:42pm]
[ mood | tired ]

ok, so today i went grocery shopping and bought tons of vegetarian/vegan food. i want to try being a vegan again once i move out.

my checks came in the mail today. i just kind of picked randomly and i ended up getting rainbow ones with religious shit on them. i laughed so hard. my mom thinks i'm a lesbian again because i got rainbow checks. she's a character.

i should have gone to bed like five hours ago.

i'm starting to really hate the internet.

i bought a couple dvds today at the grocery store for 5.99 each, a steal:
igby goes down
elephant
death to smoochy (starring my boyfriend, and no, not robin williams)
ash wednesday

i've been trying to buold my movie/dvd collection by getting as many deals on movies as possible. i'd say i've been quite successful.

i might go to the mall with michelle and some girls from work tomorrow. not an awesome idea because i don't have much money, but oh well. i realized that i have nothing in common with anyone i work with. it's ridiculous. they're nice/funny people, we just don't have any of the same beliefs or ideas. it's becoming apparent to me now that our conversations are getting slightly more deep than who we don't like at work. i dunno. i have a hard time expressing my opinions to these people because i'm the minority in EVERYTHING i think there. i'm not really comfortable in debating with these people i hardly know and have to see every day at work. we'll see what happens.

time for fucking bed.

take your space on the carpet

i tried to call it off but no one was listening to me. . [27 Oct 2004|11:28am]
[ mood | crappy ]

so i guess my brother wants to go on saturday. so does michelle, and she wants melissa from work to go. i might just have a car full.

my costume is going to be hilarious.

i have to do all this shit with my car this week (tires, inspection, registration, etc) just when i think i'm saving money, i have to spend a shitload of it. >:(

michelle has been talking about buying a house and wanting me to rent a room in it or something. hmm.

i keep getting heartburn or something. i think something's wrong with me. i need to use my insurance and go to the doctors for a checkup at some point here. i probably have cancer or something. that would be sweet.

my bridge piercing has gotten to a point where i can turn it without having to soak or wash it first, good sign? it feels kind of weird though. i dunno.

and i will have to pay for it.Collapse )

pull this page from the pulpit | 4 | take your space on the carpet

[26 Oct 2004|12:06pm]
one last thing before bed.

http://www.livejournal.com/community/___looksoright/6733.html?thread=29005#t29005

that dude corrected his CORRECT grammar with INCORRECT grammar. what is wrong with these people??????
take your space on the carpet

[26 Oct 2004|11:13am]
so today at work i went on break with these two people who seem really nice and cool. the dude's kind of a hick, but he seemed like a decent guy. then the chick starts talking about the guy she's seeing and the dude asks what race he is. she says he's white and that she doesn't do interracial dating. the guy said "good." and they proceeded to talk about why they won't date, and i quote, "non-whites."

omfg. i was just sitting there like "i can't believe they're talking about this." i couldn't even speak, i just had this nervous and uncomfortable laughter. it's like, shit like this makes me ashamed to be from new hampshire, at least this area. while not everyone around here has this closed-minded perspective on things, it is the overall consensus that what's different is wrong.

i think what bothers me the most is that i didn't say anything. i'm used to homophobia, and i was very vocal in highschool, and still am when need be, in standing up to those who made ignorant and shitty statements about gay people. racism is just not something i'm so used to hearing and defending. maybe it's because i tend to seek out friends and acquaintances who have open minds. maybe it's just because most areas of the country are much more diverse. but with the exception of a racist joke here and there, this was the first time i can remember hearing something so offensive to me.

i dunno, shit like this really bothers me. i'm so tired of all this constant negativity everywhere i go.
i go to work, people try to cause drama.
i go to a show, people try to cause drama.
i go on the internet, people try to cause drama.

drama is fucking annoying to me when i'm involved. i don't like it and i don't know why it's constantly around me. i usually try to ignore it, but people are so fucking adamant in continuing bullshit that it's hard to ignore. i just want to do my job during the week, see my friends, listen to some music, and have a good time on the weekends. i work eight hour days, the last thing i need is to hear negative shit on breaks and then come home to pointless bullshit.
pull this page from the pulpit | 2 | take your space on the carpet

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