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goodness lane, your face makes me wanna throwup. [Dec. 14th, 2006|09:03 pm]
[mood |annoyedannoyed]

so does everyone elses.

im obviously way too irritable today.

stupid gym is becoming a problem. but basically only cause my laziness is becoming a problem.

work is rediculous. the office ladies are rediculous. so is ann.

this english final is stupid and rediculous. i cant seem to find a way to write it. im supposed to come up with an outline tonight.

school is rediculous and makes me mad. like ap bio and math and modeur, and like everything else.

i hate school.

i dont like dr. treskova anymore. i cant trust her ever again. and she keeps making me get blood work done.

ugh stupid stupid stupiiiddd.

i need a break. and my tutoree talks a lot.

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stupid school. [Dec. 3rd, 2006|10:50 am]
[mood |busybusy]
[music |sad songs and waltzes - cake]

so, my colon is much nicer than it was when i last updated. im taking medicine everyday like im supposed to. it's a pretty confusing regimen now.

but, i ate cocoa krispies this morning and theres no sign of a flare up just yet. thank godddd.

the only bad thing is that im having bad circulation in my arms and legs. maybe its a loss of blood? anyway, it didnt hurt yesteday, but friday it hurt so much that i had to leave school. its starting to hurt right now, and its nothing a good leg massage could cure.

another reason why i left early from school on friday was cause i didnt do my hw in apbio and english. and i also just had a lot of other homework. sassi moved the modern europe term paper to wednesday (it was originally due monday). soo, im pretty glad. and i thought english was due this monday, but its actually due next monday. so thats pretty cool.

so, for today i wanna finish english, and really get going on modern europe. then i have like, 3 college-related essays to do pretty soon. oh well.

i guess ill be off then.
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i really dont know whats happening. [Nov. 12th, 2006|03:25 pm]
all of a sudden, i lose 4 pounds in a week when my weight has been pretty steady for years. not only is my fecal waste the size of a quarter every time i go, i only go about 3 times a day. 75 cents worth of pink, yellowish slimey smelly feces, with a little blood every once in awhile. the blood started on thursday. the pain started last friday.. 9 days ago. the medicine wont start until after tuesday. and this monday will be my third trip to st lukes since friday.

in addition, i have 3 essays due this week. at least. 2 for tomorrow. ive gotten as far as the headings on each, and im avoiding the other as much as possible. my notes for the research project is due on friday, and so is the outline, which i havent the slightest idea how to do. on thursday, i'll be missing work since i have to go to this volunteer club thing, and its also my dads birthday. on wednesday, i have to go to newburgh to redeem my e-rewards money at borders in the mall. ill be buying fierce invalids and wild ducks, both by tom robbins. im hoping he will do good things to me this time, since his last book still life worked wonders on my mental health.

hopefully i can beg mr lee for a pardon for not doing the essay. hopefully.
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uugh. when is this gonna end. [Oct. 25th, 2006|07:04 pm]
[mood |stressedstressed]
[music |stellar - incubus.]

basically, i havent been updating because ive spent all of my time doing homework and work. school has been psychotic, work has been boring. the only word i can think of to describe my current situation is "tough". but is it difficult? the work isnt. dealing with the amount of junk i have to do everyday is. just trying to find the time to call places or people, or do some type of research. its all incredibly time consuming.

it really wasn't until a few weeks ago that i realized what being busy means. and how every minute seriously counts. im trying not to distract myself from work, like im doing now, because i know im gonna have to stay up late, not finish my hw, go to school half asleep, gets loads of hw, slave for nissan even more sluggishly than normal, and i know when everyones out of the office, ill slip in a little homework. then drive home in the dark, with some hyundai-driving nutcase on my butt, get home, stuff my face with food, get sick, do homework, shower, and finally i can have about 5 minutes of solace laying in bed thanking God the day is over.

ugh. and tomorrow ill have to do it all over.
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(no subject) [Sep. 20th, 2006|07:16 pm]
[mood |sicksick]
[music |the razor - head automatica]

The seniors provided for under this system are being put into debt for Medicare’s careless handling of..

your mom. the last sentence is always the hardest. it has to be the wittiest, most memorable line in the entire stupid essay. i have tons of other hw i need to be doing right now, but i cant seem to concentrate on this last line that needs to be done.

i have math questions to do. i gotta answer some questions for the oral tomorrow. and translate an entire 2 pages out of this stupid textbook.

and in addition, i have college garbage to deal with. and work garbage. and joe joyce garbage because i still really like him.

sucks. well i guess im off. i know i wont get all this done. but ill try.
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wow. are you serious? [Sep. 19th, 2006|08:21 pm]
i really sound like a 13 year old boy going through puberty. no lie.

"Where am I? said Billy Pilgrim.

"Trapped in another blob of amber, Mr. Pilgrim. We are where we have to be just now -- three hundred million miles from Earth, bound for a time warp which will get us to Tralfamadore in hours rather than centuries."

"How -- how did I get here?"

"It would take another Earthling to explain it to you. Earthlings are the great explainers, explaining why this event is structured as it is, telling how other events may be achieved or avoided. I am a Tralfamadorian, seeing all time as you might see a stretch of the Rocky Mountains. All time is all time. It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is. Take it moment by moment, and you will find that we are all, as I've said before, bugs in amber."

"You sound to me as though you don't believe in free will," said Billy Pilgrim.

"If I hadn't spent so much time studying Earthlings," said the Tralfamadorian, "I wouldn't have any idea what was meant by 'free will.' I've visited thirty-one inhabited planets in the universe, and I have studied reports on one hundred more. Only on Earth is there any talk of free will."

ahh yes. first day of work. neck, nose, throat, and almost everything else hurts.

yesss. and now i have to do an english essay. then type it. then type a final draft.

oh mr lee, mr lee.
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(no subject) [Sep. 14th, 2006|04:39 pm]
[music |ship to shore - the movielife]

There were two peepholes inside the airlock -- with yellow eyes pressed to them. There was a speaker on the wall. The Tralfamadorians had no voice boxes. They communicated telepathically. They were able to talk to Billy by means of a computer and a sort of electric organ which made every Earthling speech sound.

"Welcome aboard, Mr. Pilgrim," said the loudspeaker. "Any questions?"

Billy licked his lips, thought awhile, inquired at last: "Why me?"

"That is a very Earthling question to ask, Mr. Pilgrim. Why you? Why us for that matter? Why anything? Because this moment simply is. Have you ever seen bugs trapped in amber?"

"Yes." Billy, in fact, had a paperweight in his office which was a blob of polished amber with three ladybugs embedded in it.

"Well, here we are, Mr. Pilgrim, trapped in the amber of this moment. There is no why."

amazing book.
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(no subject) [Sep. 12th, 2006|06:19 pm]
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]

katherine denisi and danielle curtain are my saviors.

they found my grad pass.

so i definitely holepunched it and put it with my id tag. and since it could still slip out, i made part of it thicker with tape.

and i dropped physics. so my gym, lunch, psych, and studyhalls changed.

but thats ok. but im kinda upset about psych. cause now i have straebler.


well, since my ap bio hw is confusing and i dont get what we have to do, im gonna read. bye.
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geez. [Sep. 11th, 2006|05:09 pm]
yeah so school was awesome. after school was not so awesome.

i went to b&n to look around, and i found this book i was gonna buy. and i was all ready to buy it but i didnt have my gift card.

so i came home, and started doing hw when i realized my grad pass is nowhere to be found.

so now, i pretty much feel like garbage.

my life is insane. in the worst way possible.

ugh. but at least school is nice.

i <3 psych with axtell.
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gahh. [Sep. 6th, 2006|07:01 pm]
[mood |pessimisticpessimistic]

2nd day of school. way stressed.

thanks mr lee for that class discussion.

and much thanks to pizzonia and fitts for making me realize that i have to sell my body in order to pay for senior ball/dinner, graduation, etc.

$137 for senior photos
$10 for physics review book
$93 for 101
$50 deposit for grad trip
$120 for spanish
$40 for senior class photo
$6 for tassel

$456 total. just about. also, i think theres a europe payment due sometime soon.

i love life and how its always too expensive for me to afford.

ive gotta leave though. pre-calc call of duty.
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theres prolly nothing that annoys me more [Sep. 5th, 2006|06:14 pm]
[mood |chipperchipper]
[music |tepes - cowalker]

than when people record their every move in their away messages.

for example:
Class At 9:35.
Class At 11:10.
Be Back Around 12:45.
Phone With Katherine.:-D

Cellular It.


i cant believe people sometimes. like guidance counselors. who gave me 4 free periods.

but as for the other 5 classes, they're all pretty nice except for physics. and spanish could be better, but i can deal.

college english is the best. there are like, 20 empty seats, and its a nice way to end the day. and i have mr lee, and he remembered me from advanced studyhall in 9th grade.

i just really need to speak with mr ricketson about the studyhall ordeal. and just pray that the grad passes come sooner.

anyway, i have english hw to do. or maybe ill leave it for studyhall.

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(no subject) [Aug. 22nd, 2006|07:10 pm]
[mood |gloomygloomy]

i dont think ive ever been so moody in my entire life.

anthonys avoiding me i think.

and im tired of pretending.

colons getting worse. suppository? no.

i cant do anything = failure.

ive lost interest in everything i used to do.

reading, scrapbooking, everything.

yesterday,i was playing with my hair a little, and my dad was like, "i hate it when you do that! its a sign of depression!"

and i was thinking how much of a difference it would've made if he actually said it a couple years ago when i was depressed for real.

its just that now, its summer. and i hate summer cause i never get to see anyone or do anything.

anyway, im gonna go read some dracula. peace.
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today.. [Aug. 4th, 2006|04:48 pm]
[mood |stressedstressed]

i sank further into anguish and uncertainty about my future.
and i've lost every bit of humor that was left in me.

it wasnt until today that i realized how much i want to major in biomedical technology in college, or how much i wanna be like jack kerouac, or how much i wanna be straightedge.

im about to take everything 100% seriously if im not saved within in the next 24 hours.

the biomedical sciences seem really exciting. the technology part of it deals with creating things like artificial muscles, organs, or bones. just seems really cool.

im reading "on the road" by mr kerouac. in this book, he travels all over in search of nothing really, with a typewriter and story, couple dollars, and the clothes on his back. i never realized how badly i need a trip like that. almost like chris mccandless in into the wild. just to get away from everything, ya know, and every moment unexpected.

as part of my being straightedge, i plan on leaving medicine forever. i found some reading materials online that could help me in doing this. and im pretty serious about this. if only i had a job, then i could buy the stupid book and food.

anyway, i hope tomorrow isnt hot so i can go out. byee.
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what are you gonna do today, napoleon? [Jul. 23rd, 2006|07:55 pm]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |the fiction we live - fata]

whatever i feel like doing. gosh!

this stupid dream woke me up this morning.

flippin idiot!

my dream was like that one scene in night, where the jews had to run in the snow and if they slowed down, the gestapo'd shoot them. but it was actually at the school track, and it was sunny. and i was running with asians instead. and a couple other people i havent seen or thought about in years.

and there was another dream where me and a group of people went on a picnic, and i went fishing on the hudson with some of them. and i remember the river was carrying our lines away.

today we went to warwick. and on the drive home, my dad mentioned these fireworks that were goin off last night. and i was half asleep, and they petrified me, and all i wanted was for the noise to stop. i dont get how i could've been so scared, but i was.

i have an econ test to study for. or govt or somethin. and i have a book to finish as soon as possible cause its boring me. and i also have tons of other stuff to do. so tootles.
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yeah, well.. [Jul. 18th, 2006|05:49 pm]
[mood |annoyedannoyed]

at least the new york blood center remembered my birthday.

its been 2 days since ive been 17. and i still havent seen a rated r movie. and i almost dont wanna ask my friends cause i dont want to remind them that my birthday was sunday.

anyway, since i dont feel like being an asshole today, ill cut this entry short. i will update when necessary.
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(no subject) [Jul. 13th, 2006|07:23 pm]
[music |she's my rushmore - etid.]

It’s time to come out.

- On a daily basis, I wear zero makeup because I don’t want it to seem that I’m self conscious about how I look.
- I often sleep naked, or fairly close. Those are usually the nights I have trouble falling asleep.
- I‘ve made myself a promise to maintain my straightedge lifestyle.
- I have the bad habit of returning things after I buy them.
- I’ve done illegal things at least 200 times.
- I’m entirely OCD to the bone.
- I’ve snuck a boy in my house late at night before.
- I found my UC to be a “life ruiner” in a way.
- I’m not your typical girl; I hate pink, my goal in life isn’t to meet guys, and I don’t like to alter my appearance by makeup, tanning, or losing weight.
- Music disappoints me.
- I’m afraid of leaving my mom or rabbit when I go to college.
- I take pride in my virgin body, but I would love to get laid within the next century.

I keep getting upset about how much time im spending at home. There are so many other places I'd rather be, like in Joe Joyce’s presence in an non-embarrassing fashion, or out with friends, or even at school. I hope I'll have a better summer.

In better news, brooklyn on sunday! maybe the lake on saturday! hopefully tonight, I'll finish jekyll and hyde, tomorrow I'll finish the next story. and who knows what'll go on during the weekend.

so im gonna go read. peace.
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(no subject) [Jul. 10th, 2006|07:25 pm]
[mood |indifferentindifferent]
[music |islands - the suicide machines.]

i wish, for now at least, that i can ask for a challenge whenever i wanted one. no surprises.

present problem: jobs. i've applied to every single job i know that i wouldnt mind working at. at first, i was picky. then, by the time i realized that i really needed a job, i applied at places such as shoprite, and even holberts catering. and i've gone absolutely nowhere so far.

buts is ok for now. since i drive randy and rahim now, they said they're gonna start giving me gas money, even though they live on the street parallel to mine. and i know the money isnt equivalent to the distance i drive for them. i guess thats how people make a living. getting all the extras.

moving on, i went fishing yesterday. i went to winding hills park in montgomery, and i saw joe's house that lane told me about. it looks pretty clean. but none of this matters because i wont ever go out with joe or even see him ever again.

i finished dog in the nighttime, which was awesome. and i started jekyll and hyde, which is only ok. i really just wanna finish this book. then im gonna read civil rights. and then prolly the great gatsby. then slaughterhouse. then dracula, and pride and prejudice. i should be good for a long time.

im gonna go clean the garage or something. peace out.
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yeahh. [Jun. 27th, 2006|08:32 pm]
[mood |pissed offpissed. fuck working.]
[music |reclamation - bigwig.]

about an hour ago, i got home from jobscouting in the walden/montgomery area. results came up negative.

so this is what i'll do next:
a. sell my body.
b. sell oranges on the freeway
c. starve to death.

those choices arent so great.

tomorrow ill be going to m&m paperback exchange, blazin bagels, and holberts catering.

fun. as if i have the money to pay for all this gas im using.

this is why working is overrated and definitely not worth this huge daily flow of stress.
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myeah. [Jun. 11th, 2006|04:45 pm]
[mood |crappycrappy]
[music |bno- the subtleties etc etc.]

45 hours and 15 minutes until i start screwing myself over. but whos counting..

i will soon reach the maximum point of OCD possible. far more alphabetized and color-categorized madness than man has ever come to know. i know this because it's already beginning to happen.

earlier today, i made a calendar. monday the 12th til sunday the 25th. and under each day, i listed the hours of 6am to 9pm, times of which i spend on studying. by setting this calendar up, i've set myself up for 10 times the letdowns.

119 free hours. every single one spent studying, memorizing, bleeding.

sundays are always so sad.
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things got better. [Apr. 30th, 2006|08:41 am]
[mood |chipperchipper]
[music |girl (remix) - beck.]

since my last entry, this happened:

- i got rid of the cards.. carver didnt make me pay $50.
- i pretty much gave up on the sat prep book. so i bought 3 sparkcharts, which after the test, ill return.
- i found my earring!
- i'm definitely going to europe next year. my moms giving me a check for the 95 this week.
- my cold is halfway gone.
- and my abs dont hurt.

huge transformation since 4 days ago. really.

oh, and in addition:
- my g-pa said i got a tan from working outside yesterday. cheaa.

anyway, i have hw that i missed on thursday when i didnt go to school. tootles.
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