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i still carry your heart. [27 Jun 2011|12:42am]
Sleep well, darling, wherever you are, i hope that youre happy tonight. and maybe you found someone who will love you right. sleep well, darling. i'm desperate to say now ' need you more than ever, but all i could say was goodnight.

i wish i had the chance to say goodnight.
i wish you thought of me as much as i do you.

i tell myself that maybe she regrets doing this whole thing where we can't talk. i tell myself that maybe she thinks of me as much as i do her.

but she doesn't.
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[14 May 2011|09:33pm]
wah, my mouth still hurts. :( i had to go back to the dentist on friday because my stiches came out so he put me on amoxicillin.. but didn't give me any other prescription for the pain. :( i feel sharp things in my gum, i have nooo idea what it is .. and half of my gum next to the one tooth is missing. this is AWESOME.

brittany comes home tonight :) :) :) :) finaaalllly. it's been almost a week.

annnd, i got my justin bieber movie! :)
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[10 May 2011|11:43pm]
ugh. i never want to go to the dentist ever again.

i had three molars pulled yesterday .. he had to drill a hole and seperate some of my cheek from my jaw and it's all just so swollen and just stopped bleeding today. they have me on hydrocodone and it's making me feel lousey, like i'm going to throw up every five minutes, and tired. and food keeps getting stuck in the hole. :( eff this.
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[05 May 2011|07:18pm]
i feel like its necessary to begin this entry with what just happened at work.
although i work fulltime at people, i still work part time at consumers two shifts a week.. so im here tonight and im in the warehouse.. mind you the garage door is open, and a truck pulls up behind the store and backs in to a parking spot so that their windsheild was facing me. i turned around and theres this old giy and some old lady start making out like crazy for like ten minutes. my first thought was that maybe he was getting out to go into triple a and she wasgiving him a kiss. but no. all of a sudden her head disappears for about fifteen minutes. i cannot begin to exain how classy this was. i am convinced this guy was cheating on his wife. best of it all? corey and i were standing in plain signt watching and they didnt eveb notice. oooooh lord.

other than that, went to the doctor today. i have not left 162lbs in like two years..pathetic. i had to get my hpv shot and holy shit that hurt sooo bad. it still hurts to lift my arm. i start my blood work tomorrow :( ugh this shit sucks.

hope you're all having a splendid cinco de mayo while i work 5 to 10 and then 11 to 7 am. im looking forward to my cable though! :)
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[04 May 2011|11:36pm]
i absolutely love my tumblr, but i use it for picture reblogging or shot posts really. i guess its good to keep this for my thoughts that no one really reads. sometimes when i have time i read through everything. its weird to see the changes.

i thought recently about changing and time. more or less with friends. i think it was because delaney and i got into it yesterday, she thinks everyone loves her and has her as a priority but if you really know her like i do, shell open up and tell you how much it hurts her that people forget about her. id never use an insecurity against her, but people really do. all of her friends go a d get drunk and barey talk to her.. probably why she only talks to me when somethings gone wrong.
part of this is how ive becone friends with people i didnt think i would.. like mo, allison, annie, etc. mo actually wanted me to move in with her in her apt but we never really talked about it. allison found out i moved somewhere and said that mo wanted me to. i think itd be weird though .. mainly cause ofmy last birthday.. which is too complicated to get into.

things with brittany are still good.. we just hadent had a lot of time for eachother. shes still in finals, plus work and now ses done with basketball and is onto track. shell be gone all next week. thank god ill have cable as of saturday. im working both my jobs now, too. deb thinks im going to wear myself out but im confident that ill be okay.

im not sure what else to rant about. i accidentally butt dialed desaree in the car today and she texted me.. cant remember the last ti.e i talked to her. probably since the blood disease discussion. speaking of, gabrielle had her tonsils out last weekend. :( they had to keep her over night for two days because her blood levels were bad, so britt and i went and saw my babyyyy and then when she got home she was asking for aunt mantha and aunt brittany so we went over. my grandma told me its crazy how attached to me she is. i love my babygirrrll. :) my sister is due in october, lets see if the boy likes me as much as gabby. :)
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[03 May 2011|06:55pm]
well, i havent been on this for a while.. it popped into my head when driving home from work today..

well school is over.. i have one final monday and im done.. its so crazy to think that in a year ill have my bachelors and be going into grad school. im the first girl in my family on my moms sode to get a bachelors, but a masters.. i feel amazing. on top of that i have my own apartment now. i found one in a building in the nice part of tonawa.da.. i can have zoe and everything. its an amazing feeling to get new couches, dning room table, flat screen..all withour my families help. im so grown up..but im so afraid to grow up.

i went and was reading laurens blog. were no longer apart of eachothers lives but i get so offended to heR that she is going and trying to be friends with alicia. melissa would freak, but yet her excuse to not be friends with me IS melissa....she talked about missing her mom at one point. who was the one who messaged he mom? me. i got them talking again, and lauren got so mad at me when she found out i talked to her mom. poppa? who was at his funeral despite melissas opinio.? me. not alicia. i was the second person lauren called .. i like being a good friend, i thought i was one. yet why does alicia get a word and i dont? its whatever.
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[23 Apr 2011|01:30am]
- randomly took a shift at consumers tonight. i missed it there, and all of the boys. im looking forward to my two days a week there this summer. :)
- after i got out of consumers at 9 i had to be at work for people by 11..britt and i went to get some food. she got me a promise ring. its absolutely beautiful. :)
- got invited to play some rugby in the morning! stoked. :)
- going to get my nails done tomorrow with brott and get my ring resized.. trust me, we both need the mani and prdis.
- got tomorrow night off! going out with all of my homos. :)
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[15 Apr 2011|03:48am]
woah, i am so tired.

britt and i got a lot accomplished today. since i dozed off for a bit at work last night, i didn't sleep too late into the day today..which i regret now. we went and got her xbox looked at, went to old navy, got lunch and went to see the fam, went to the apple store, went to the blvd mall and got out hair cut and did some shopping and the went food shopping. we were supposed to meet asha and some out for drinks but with me having to work at eleven and her having work outs i n the morning we realized that it wasnt gonna work. i spent half of my day debating on whether or not to buy an ipad2. i saw them at best buy (as every other time) and began consideeing it, again. so we went to the apple store and i played with it and i realized that its just an oversized ipod..which id never use. so instead i got new nike air max and some skinny jeans from ae and called it a day. i was satisfied. :)

school is over in two weeks..soooo happy. im also so very happy that my boss made the may schedule and i am now on days and only one overnight, which is not alone. :) :) he callex me into the kitchen on tuesday and explained my promotion. soo excited. i think im more excited to be off of overnights though.

my eyes are so heavy right now, three hours to freeedommm..untill 11 pm tomorrow night.
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[02 Apr 2011|04:16am]
oh man, this entry might be a little messy only because im updating via my phone. im laying on the couch at work watching the housewives of miami and its 1 am.. im trying soko hard not to pass out.

let's see what's new..
nico came home from boston and we all met up for dinner. i absolutely love her, ny wifey. she never fails to make me laugh. its going to be so weird this summer without her because we got so cloae last year. whos gonna burn off their eyebrows while cooking for me?! i was driving her and kari home and she brought up something that happened to me last summer that she happened to be there for.. i will always consider her my good friend after that. get this, shes moving to seattle! :) im so excired for her and kari.

i am doing so well in school. of course i always say i can do better and stres but ive been studying my ass off and its all been paying off. i had three exams this week that i was freaking out about and passed all of them. :) i enjoyed my professors post it note attached to my one exam telling me to keep up the good work. :)

Britt and i are great. basketball was supposed to end a few weeks ago with all of the crazy workouts but this years schedule is still super hectic. so with my overnight work schedule and school and whatnot its been hard but were doing really well. we got panos andnt shoppinf today before i came to work and its just nice. i finally got my nike sports band! i loveee it. :)

my zoe baby is doing so well. she has all of her shots and she goes to get spayed next driday. my poor baby. i swear that shes like human.. she attacks me when i come home or if she knows im leavig, she knows when i. upset, doesnt leave my lap in the car..shes mt other half.

my sisters pregnancy is going reallt well so far and Gabrielle is such a sweetheart.. she loves brittany and we go and visit her whatever chance we get. my grandma and i were on the phone the other day and she kept telling me how much she loves brittany and how well we are together and that if i ever hurther shed kill me. that means a lot to me. :)

my fingers are startig to hurt, but that's all for nowww.
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[28 Jan 2011|11:59pm]
 have you ever gone through a friends facebook after they've passed.. perhaps to just look at all of the comments and memories people are posting on their wall? it's a shame, but it makes me curious to as if that many people would miss me and have that many memories with me. always live each day like it's your last. RIP, matt. you're already missed by so many.
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[26 Jan 2011|07:05pm]
 hm. life.
well, today is brittany and my 6 month. :) it seems like longer, but at the same time it doesn't. my family says that it definitely feels as if it's been longer than that. i can't say that i've ever been in a relationship that has lasted to the 6 month mark without breaking up or anything. out of six months, we've had maybe two arguments.. one over lindsey, one over desaree. that's it. no lie. it's an amazing feeling.

friends? well, tubbs is still pretty much MIA for the most part. apparently she has a new boyfriend, of which i heard about via mike. cool. mark and i are pretty close again, i can't stand the shit that kate put him through. mike and i rekindle everything when he's home every once in awhile, other than that we talk on facebook and text sometimes, it's the same old with him. and fitscher? i don't know. things haven't quite been the same since new years .. i got out of work and i wasn't going to have time to go home and get ready so i asked danielle if it was okay if i came to her house to get ready and she said that was fine.. sarah asked where i was and i said danielles, and apparently she took that as i was going out with that group of friends or something because she got really upset and kinda freaked out so we ended up not even going out together or meeting up.. so i ended up just going with danielle. i know that she goes out with lindsey all of the time again which bothers me because of the stuff lindsey has pulled, but because it somehow seems like it's my fault that we're no longer talking as much. i wanted to say that part of it was because of sarah being 21, but i go out all of the time.. she just doesn't invite me to go places like she does lindsey i guess? maybe that makes sense. maybe not. idk, i'm at UB now and closer and it seems like we talked and saw each other more when i went to dyouville.

ex girlfriends? delaney started calling and texting me again with things going on at school, which makes me really happy because i love having her presence in my life but at the same time i hate when she kinda forgets about me and just shoves me to the side .. which she did in a sense when she came home. i like feeling needed, but i don't like feeling needed at THEIR convenience. desaree, do i ever have anything positive to say about that girl? i texted her today to tell her she had a twin and she fareeaakked the fuck out on me. she called me and left me an angry voicemail which i just deleted so that it didn't piss me off.. i don't care what it said. she's still on her "fuck you, i hate you, you're never going to change" rant. funny, that rant didn't start until she asked me if i loved brittany and when i answered she told me to never talk to her again. grool.

anyways, in addition to all of that.. just been going to class (unusual) and spending time with brittany. not working as much, but that's quite okay. i got a job with people inc and start training feb 19th. :) i'll be working over nights, which is going to be extremeellly tough with school from 10-6 mwf, but i'm gonna try and make it work. :)
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[21 Jan 2011|11:51pm]
i love you, so much.
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[31 Dec 2010|01:27am]
 have you ever noticed that when the year is coming to a close, people are rushing the new year because the previous one sucked so bad and they want to start fresh? what bullshit. the new year doesn't solve any problems from that of the previous, sure, it gives you a whole new year full of gorgeous opportunities. but you can't run away from the past, you can't leave problems unsolved if you plan to move forward. stop rushing time, stop and fix things while you can.
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[25 Nov 2010|11:46am]
 i'm thankful to be living another year. i'm thankful for my beautiful niece, my family, and the best of friends anyone could ever ask for. i'm thankful for my amazing girlfriend and her ability to love an individual like me as much as she does. i'm thankful for finally allowing myself to be capable of being cared for. i'm thankful for being blessed with the life i live, the opportunity to go to the college i go to. i'm thankful to be able to play all of the sports i take part in. i'm thankful for every person who has made an impact in my life, whether it be a broken heart, or a small conversation in a bar. i'm thankful for everything that God has blessed me with.
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[17 Nov 2010|07:17pm]

 it's been awhile, let me refresh. in the past four months:

i have learned to care about school. i'm so used to bullshitting everything and getting straight A's, but when you go to a real college, it's easy to get good grades. just work for them. i loved days like today: i absolutely hate the stress that builds up in the days leading to my chemistry exams, but i love the feeling of walking out of that exam, talking about it with people and actually knowing what i'm talking about. i've never understood chemistry like that before. i guess doing work really does pay off.

i have learned to love and accept love in return. i ask myself every day how i got so lucky with brittany, it's crazy how good of a person she is. (my assumptions with no girls in buffalo are good girls anymore, figuring she's from canada). i was going through my yahoo email box about an hour ago looking for an ethical paper i wrote on stem-cell research at ecc and for SOME reason at one point in time i saved all of the emails from lauren (when we first met, when she was in florida with alicia and still emailing me). like holy shit, she was a fucking b-i-t-c-h. she pulled me away from my friends, and then told me all of the problems going on in her life were my fault. and as she was in florida when i was talking to other people, she told me "not to fuck around" with her. please, if i am ever that oblivious and pathetic again, slap me. sarah, sarah, mark and mike, thank you for not doing it then, but i just may have needed it. i have a girl who goes to my house and can hang out with my parents while i'm at work, who wants to do nice things for me because she considers herself lucky to have me, who gets along perfectly with my friends and even does favors for them. this is going to be a long basketball season. 

i have learned how to be civil with my worst ex's. delaney and i are still friends, even though we don't talk as much as i would like us to, i'm kind of hoping to see her when she comes home next week. and desaree, we fight, but we get over it. we got into this huge blowout a few weeks ago and she said some messed up things, and two days later i was meeting her to give her a copy of the taylor swift cd. she texted me and said "do you think it's weird that we can be at each others throats and then the next day know how to be civil to each other?" she sometimes comes and hangs out with me when i'm in the library at UB, we hung out on halloween. her presence is nice, i just don't like how she can snap and go crazy if i say or do the wrong thing. when that happens, i just ignore it and she apologizes the next day. which is also something that is new, she never used to apologize for anything.  sarah and i were on the third floor balcony of the union yesterday and desaree and i were texting/arguing, i looked down and there desaree was walking across the union, i made fun of her bright obnoxious headband and we were fine again. sure, i hate arguing, but i like that we can just snap back to normal.

i have learned not to care for people who do not care for you. i'm not one of those people who consider my birthday to be "my day" but all i ask for is to have my best friends with me for dinner. sarah and sarah both got off of work, and mike is coming home for dinner (although, it's also his birthday also) and i asked mark two weeks ago. first, he had told me that he wasn't sure because he was going to a show with kristen, i said okay that's fine just let me know. i haven't heard from him about it, the only time he has texted me was about his ex girlfriend. i mean, i considered us best friends, so that was fine. today, i texted him about dinner and all of a sudden he's no longer going to the show, but he wants to go to joe and justins party at their shop on elmwood (let me add that this party is from 7 pm to midnight). so i just told him nevermind that it was cool. he got an attitude with me. let me put it this way, sarah, sarah, and i are also friends with joe and justin, i practically grew up with them as a teenager, we're all pretty cool with them..yet, why is it that sarah and sarah are still coming to dinner and mark cant? still, not a big deal. in response i get "whatever, not in the mood". okay mark, next time you have a show, i am not buying tickets and booking it from my soccer game in the middle of my coaches speech to get to your show on time. i am CONSTANTLY supporting you and all of your decisions, no matter what, and yet you can't make it to a dinner that you haven't been to in two years? we go to dinner for my birthday every year. i can't remember the last time he came. so then, when i mentioned how he could make time to hang out with his ex girlfriend/finace who cheated and lied to him he says "and how many times did lauren cheat on you?" wow. not relevant. lauren was when i was like sixteen, and i was not engaged to her. and when she left, i peaced out. douche bag comment. i hope you're happy with that one.

so, as of right now, i'm really happy with the way things are going. i should have a response back from up on acceptance or not by next week, the following week at the latest. i'm crossing my fingers. and my birthday is saturday. :)
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[28 Oct 2010|04:01pm]
 i'm going to use my tumblr for a while.

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[16 Oct 2010|07:27pm]
"Lightning doesn't often strike twice. It's a once in a lifetime thing. Even if it feels like the shock is coming over and over again. Eventually the pain will go away, the shock will wear off. And you start to heal yourself. To recover from something you never saw coming. But, sometimes the odds are in your favor. If you're in just the right place at just the right time you can take a helluva hit. And still have a shot at surviving."
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[14 Oct 2010|06:13pm]
"Sometimes you have to fall from the mountain to realize what your are climbing for. Obstacles are placed in our way to see if what we want is really worth fighting for. From every wound there's a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, We were deeply wounded but we survived."
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[31 Aug 2010|08:53am]
i hate being up and lifting weights before the sun rises. fffuuuccckkk.
i'm totally not going to sociology today. i'm going to my chem lecture class from 9:30-10:50, picking up brittany from school, napping, going to work from 2-9. DONE.
i'm so tired.
i'm starting in tomorrows game, so i guess i gotta make some sacrafices. but i am WHIPED.

she got me a pair of nike running shoes and gave me a pair of her new basketball shorts she got from basketball yesterday. waahoo.
and i bought these new pair of adidas shoes two days ago, they're preettyyyy. now if i could find jeans that fit huge people, i'd be set!

i need an effing nap.
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[29 Aug 2010|08:22pm]
i don't know which way to go.

but then again i was eliminated an option, so i guess there's only one way to go.
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