So NO ONE uses LJ anymore. Not even me, but here we go, because I need somewhere to write all this hoo ha going on in my head. I just am so confused it's rediculous. I am not at all confused about Ryan, just what to do AFTER him. And I mean, I have moved on from my past, believe me.... but I HATE wondering what might have been, and I think that everyone should have the opportunity for one second chance. I mean only if it's right, of course. I just don't know and Friday killed it for me. How could 4 years later something drunk happens and you still get butterflies? I feel so silly and ridiculous and pathetic for it, but I just can't help it. He has changed soooooo much, I just can't believe it. It's like half the old person is still there and the other half has temporarily left. Someone can change their ways, but you never really change. I always find myself telling me to shut up because almost 5 years ago was a long time ago and I just need to stop thinking about it. But anyway, I think that's how I am too.. I think, I go through my phases of having way too much fun and I go through my phases of wanting to be a home-body with just a few close people I hang out with. That so didn't fit in with what I was saying. haha.
Also, that goes the same for wanting to be here in VA vs. Alabama. If my mom were to move to AL, I would be so happy because I'd be able to have almost everything I wanted. To be quite honest my sister and I guess you could say the thought of the other person/thing (caaaarazyyy I know) are the only two real reasons I keep going back to Alabama and am staying there this time. She is my best friend and as for the latter, well I guess it's crazy but I don't want to go through leaving something behind twice. I mean in all reality he has is own little fraternity life, I'm not Ms. Sororrity, I have a daughter-granted she is my world, but it does make EVERYTHING harder.. No one really wants to date someone that has a child. Well I personally wouldn't care, because I love kids, but with his lifestyle now, I just don't fit in there anywhere. And he is just not how he used to be, so I don't think it's ever going to go anywhere. At least that's pretty much how he makes it seem. I mean I know he's moved waaay on but I'm sure there's his fraternity he has to think about too. But then why did I still feel the way I did after Friday? And hell that was only like 15/20 mins. But apparently alcohol cancels out any validity of anything that happened, at least for him. For me it just made my head and heart go 80 miles more per minute because even though I was slightly intoxicated, to me it really was amazing. I'm such a douchebag for sayin that. I hate that, I wish it would stop. Now. I know I sound like a crazy woman talking, but that's okay, because no one even uses this anymore.
The other thing to is that there is this guy in NC that I've known for a really long time, he was always really cute. A baseball player at that. Anyway my mom ran into him 2 weeks ago when she was there at the store, and I guess he was asking about me and wanted to hang out when I got there. I just don't want another Tony situation to arise. I for sure, well probably won't say anything to him about Zach, but I guess if something happens it does. I can wait, and have. But I mean no one can wait forever, right? I guess not... And if he won't say anything, I can't help it. I tried to send my point across.
There's only been one other guy that I connected to right away really, like he and I did and that's Elias. But he is a different time and a different story. It's kinda the same "we can pick up wherever we left off even if we haven't talked in months" thing. Sorry, I'm not hyphenating all that lol. I think that the reason I cared so much about him was that I liked who I was around him. He made me better just by being there- he made me feel smart, he made me feel beautiful, and I just didn't care what else happened when he was around. It sounds so silly, but it's the truth. The person you're with for the rest of your life should bring out the best in you. Make you want to more. And that was just how I felt from the first time I REALLY met him. (Not counting the time that I guess I went into health to get Chrissy's purse....?) I'd rather be friends forever, though than nothing. Or try to have something and ruin our friendship. But friends only doesn't mean FWB. Lol, at least not for now, that messes with my head. But I'd totally do it over and over again. :)
I don't NEED anyone, no one does. Having someone being there just makes the ride more enjoyable sometimes, and someone to comfort you when you need to be uplifted really helps. Either way I'm happy that I'll be going back to school really soon, working again and just getting back to the same happy Holly (ok, that is a thing between Chanyl and me that I haven't thought of in a long time. I think I even still have my locker sign that says it somewhere. lol :) everyone use to know. I was actually told by Jason the yesterday that I just seemed happier, like the way he used to know me. I just give off that happy-go-lucky vibe again. That made me feel really good and happy. :)
This past week has been a blast, hanging out with old friends, great new friends and even people I thought I'd never be friends with. I hate having enemies, because usually I genuinely try to get along with everyone. The beach will be good, but then I need to get back here to enjoy the rest of my time, then get back to AL. and get working and stuff. Keep myself busy till school, which I should be starting in Oct. which will be hechtic as crap, but really great!
Well, anyway so Ryan has basically been begging me to take him back for weeks now. I know a lot of people don't really know everything that happened in our relationship, but you're about to find out just a little. It felt so good to finally get it out. I hid my feelings from him sooooo many times that I can't even count. He has an amazing way of making you feel so bad and it just eventually makes you act in ways you would have never previously acted. He does this to pretty much every girl and I don't know, maybe it is like Tim says and he has a magic peepee. hahaha. Siiike. So well, here is what I said in response to him asking me why I always say "I don't know what to say". (Even though I really do, it is just easier to leave it at that. Obviously that didn't work this time, though.) He always says that what he says is final, and that's it. I just can't live like that. To me a relationship is about compromise, and he doesn't think that way. I used NO backspace in what I said to him, even though some things got jumbled, I had to just get it out. I care about him, but I just know that it is not right for me to end up with him for the rest of my life. One day the only thing you will have left to do is to talk, so you have to find someone with whom you can carry on a conversation about anything.
Here goes, this is what I said.
Ryan, I say that I don't know what to say, because it is too hard to say what I really feel and I know you don't really want to hear it. But if you want it, here goes. At first, you made me feel on top of the world. You made me feel like I had someone who really cared about my protection and well being, and we always had fun together. But when things would go wrong, your temper got the best of you and you would lash out. And when you were that mad, whether legitimately or not, I turned into this timid little girl that begged you to stay, and I don't know how that happened, because that is just not who I am. I have always been a very self-aware and independent person, but over time, that faded. It is so hard for me to believe now that you were really in love with me looking back on all the things that happened. I'll start with when you went to that race with Jessica and I found out about it days later, that was just shady. Then I saw the message from her to you trying to scare you saying she was late on her period. Then when Brittany came up while she was still pregnant, you two were together a bunch, and I tried not to worry, because you were with me and she was having your baby. Until I found out you slept with her. Even though that is the only time it happened as far as I know. Then things were okay after that, until I went to Alabama for orientation. Right before I left afteryou me Krystle WHILE I was there, I then saw a mesage from you to her with the subject "damn you look good". It's like you cannot just settle for one girl. You can try to convince yourself that we were not together when I left, but you know just as well as I do that we were. Because why else would I have CRIED outside Arby's before I left, and called you as soon as I got to roxies to spend the night and tell you about my ticket and everything else? Then you just had Krystle spend the night, sleep with her and work your charming self on her and convince her that when Madison was born you would "have the boy and girl you both always wanted". That killed me when I read that. I remember word for word the messages between you two since the moment I read them and they eat me up, especially the things you said about me to her. Then after her, you started talking to Erica while we were together then broke up with me for her for a few days. After she got old, you came back to me. Next was "Jen-Elle". You lived with her and had pictures of HER daughter in your wallet when you didn't even have any of your own. Then you came back to me yet again and we moved in the apartment shortly after. Then, right before I got pregnant, was the Jessica fiasco. You were telling her that you were still in love with her and she was saying the same! What kills me the most is that you turned that around on me and said I INVADED YOUR PRIVACY! And I somehow ended up begging you to stay AGAIN. I am NOT saying all of this to point out everything you did wrong. I am trying to explain that by all of those things made me eventually feel like I was just not good enough and never would be. That is the worst feeling of all, and I know you know it. I have never felt like I was not doing anything to better myself and get somewhere in life, but to be completely honest, after I left Geico (I know that was not your fault) I have serve no purpose. I wasn't going to school, which kills me; I couldn't really work because of having one car and/or being pregnant. Then you made me feel like crap when you would tell me I was lazy and didn't want to work. I LOVE TO WORK AND GO TO SCHOOL. Which is what I'm starting to do really soon. I realize that I wasn't working for a while, but without me we would have never had the apartment or been able to get that house either. I HATE feeling like I was useless. I am starting to talk in circles now. But Ryan, I am not trying to make you feel shitty by this email or anything like that. I am only explaining why I don't know if it would work between us. I can't go back to feeling that way about myself, because it feels horrible. I do not want to be your new "Jessica", the one you run back to when things aren't going the way you planned. I just can't do that and that is what it feels like. Please do not let any of this anger you, I am only trying to make you understand what my heart and head are telling me. It hurts to not be with the father of my child. Obviously I have to look at her every day and see you. I just do not wanther growing up with two parents that fight and are with eachother for the wrong reasons. I heard you say it at least every 2 weeks, that you thought you were with me because "you were comfortable with me" or because "that's what people expect", and I blocked it out for so long because I didn't want to believe that was true, but I think that is the way you felt, but now you're questioning whether you made the right choice to leave. I am just so lost beyond words right now as to what more to say. I know I never was, nor will I ever be perfect, but I really do think I tried everything to keep you. I was faithful, I let go of so many friends I am starting to reconnect with, and I really tried a lot to make you happy, but I just felt like I rarely suceeded in that no mater what. Finally, a few months ago, I just got tired. I got tired of trying, and I know you did too, because it seems like we could never get it right. I guess that's about al I can think to say because it's getting late, but Ryan, that is some of what I am feeling. I don't like to bring up the past, but when it's right in the front of my mind all the time, it is so hard not to think about. I always want to be your friend, but I honestly don't think that it will happen, because you won't really want to hear about what I'm doing and things like that, so I guess I will just assume that we will talk about Kinley and that's it, unless you choose otherwise. I really do care about you. I care about what you feel, your well-being and you in general, but I don't know if I can let it go any further than that and allow myself to get hurt yet again. As soon as you left, I knew you would end up breaking up with me and I was right. I don't like to be right when it's about things like that, but you have to get used to it, and by now I have, and I can't keep letting you change my mindset because you are in a relationship mindset for the time being. I will always love you, but things are the way they are. I'm not going back over that and re-reading it all, so I hope I got my feelings across without hurting yours or rambling too much.