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black__banana [Thursday
June 23rd, 2005 ]
oh and by the way. New journal. add it. I needed a change in this one.black__banana something from my mothers past. I liked it.
5 cmnt

June 23rd, 2005 ]
[ mood | happy ]

Yesterday... what did I do yesterday? Oh thats right. I took the Bio Regents. And it was a fucking joke. I was the second person out of the room, but the first person done. Tara was tap dancing in the hallway outside of my classroom. I love her. Then everyone went to this diner with half decent food and a waiter I wanted to murder. I'm never going back until that man is gone. I will stand by that. And then everyone decided they wanted to get high. And let me just say this: I HATE HIGH PEOPLE. THEY ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING. Central Park was nice though. Warm, sunny. Perfect. And I'm pretty much not sick anymore.

Today we're going to Coney Island again. This time without Dan and Bucket. Thank god. They're wearing my nerves thin. And it's not my fault that currently I would rather do anything than look at Bucket for another minute. He still thinks that I have no qualms with kissing him, after I broke up with him over a month ago. Having fun with someone sometimes and inviting them to come hang out with you is NOT an invite to HOOK UP. I don't understand where this kid is coming from. I DO NOT LIKE HIM. AT ALL.

I wrote a story last night.. a whole 2 pages typed. The first since last summer. The first that I've ever written where I didn't give up once I was done making the characters pretty. I actually finished it to a point that made sense to finish it. And I'm so incredibly proud of it. I'm so proud of it in fact, that I'm putting it here. So there.Collapse )

I have a doctor now. Makes me happy. She'll be there til 2007. Finally. A doctor I feel comfortable with.

And I've decided that it's ok for me to miss Lucas. It's ok. Maybe someday we'll be friends again. What happened to me with Carlee and Rivkah is happening to him too now. They aren't friends anymore. I understand something here. Maybe I made a good decision. I know I made a good decision. And I haven't smoked a cigarette.. really smoked one, for over a week. I'm stopping. No mas. Yo no quiero los pulmones son gris. No quiero mi piel a amarillo, seco y feo. Yo quiero vive a ochenta y nueve. Vieja edad. Yo quiero vieja edad. Y no mas 'alcohol'. Porque a trae hacia fuera la puta en mi, no es bueno. No mas el besarse todos los chicos. I'm done. I'm stopping everything.

4 cmnt

June 20th, 2005 ]
Well... my friday was interesting. Actually not really. Just painfully horrible.

It all started out with a phone call from Omar, inviting me to a party. A party I shouldn't have gone to, as I was sick... and still am. After this phone call I went to the doctors office for my second check-up of the week. Yay me.

So then I ran around inviting everyone and no one could come so I went to the crapiest party I've ever been to in my life. And the only thing keeping me there.. was a boy I liked. And his name is Omar. And then I got drunk. And I took one hit, and I wish that I hadn't. And then I hooked up with Omar. And then I threw up. 3 or 4 times. And leaning against the car, he deserted me. Thus ending my crush.

And so I started crying.Collapse ) And because I am the lucky bitch that I am, Dan happened to be 4 blocks away. He came and picked me up, held me while I cried, bought me a cup of coffee, and walked me to his house. Where he gave me clothes. Clothes, Cheese Nips and orange juice. Let me conk out and listen to whatever I wanted to. Then he took me home. He really is the nicest guy I know. I don't know what I'd do without him sometimes. It's really just a bit of a pity that he likes me.
4 cmnt

June 15th, 2005 ]
My mother has decided to become friends with Iva. Why does she have to do this to me? She's going to call and I'll pick up and act like a dolt and then she'll tell her son, oh you're ex is a moron. I hate this. I don't get this is more like it. WHY does she decide to do these things? Does it not register in her dumb mind?
2 cmnt

June 15th, 2005 ]
My throat aches like a thousand cuts from shaving. My neck is swollen and feels heavy. To turn my head throbs, and swallowing is a worthless task. I should be staying in, staying in, not going out. Most certainly not going to parties on the beach. The doctor said no kissing. But how I long to kiss him. How I long to see him. I wish it could be sooner. Tomorrow is too late. And I doubt to see him there, it pains me to know this. Why do I like him? Why do I feel anything but the pain in my throat. There is no reason for me to like him at all. I don't know with what I've been wasting my time on. But it's eerie how much I like him, how I barely even know him. Whats the point right now?

And why does my throat hurt so much??

Said the Lady to the Man... [Sunday
June 12th, 2005 ]
So according to this thing I just took, I'm in love with him. I wouldn't call it love really. Not at all. I like him sure, but what chance do I have? I mean really. I can hook up with him if I want to I'm sure, but yeah.. ends there. I think. I hope thats not actually true though.

I didn't do anything today.

Love La Da [Saturday
June 11th, 2005 ]
I look like the only pig right now. My nose is wrinkled so badly it's ridiculous. This whole my liking him is driving me slightly insane. How many times have I met him? Oh lets see... once.

I had the best night tonight. It was really and truly hilarious. Me, Sakura and Tara took caffeine pills and then when me and Sakura were on the train going home we had like a laughing fit because of the woman who looked like an elephant, the woman with kinky hair that had a mohawk died pick who looked like a cockatoo and the man who had hair that looked like a flock of seagulls was going to come flying out of it and steal the food that we didn't have. I was laughing so hard that I fell onto the floor. It was great.

Hmm... that's about all that happened really. What else is there to really say?

June 9th, 2005 ]
I'm tiring of some of my newish friends. I'm positively ITCHING to scratch my way back into my old circle of partners in crime. I'm hanging on by my teeth to them, bleeding them dry of everything, and then injecting them with my poisonous personality. I really do feel horrible about it. I feel like I'm manipulating them into being with me again. Changing their minds to suit my needs.
I want them to love me, to need me. To feel as if they are incomplete without me. I want to wriggle back into their lives and make everything happy and perfect again. I miss it. I miss life before everything started to slowly fall apart. Before I learned how to make new friends. I don't know. I want it back. I want it all back.

And I'm still waiting for my mother to return home. I expected her at 7.
1 cmnt

Good Bye Good Bye Good Bye... [Tuesday
June 7th, 2005 ]
Look, new hair!
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
8 cmnt

May 24th, 2005 ]
I never write in here anymore. It's really sad.

So I went to Philadelphia this weekend with my mom... I got a haircut from Tara on Tuesday and then another on Sunday from my moms friend Charles who is a real haircutter person. And then I went to a show. And on Monday I went with Joe to the Mutter Museum where we laughed at all the freaks.

Today... Today Julian fell down the stairs after being hyped up on Caffeine Pills. The sound he made was INCREDIBLE. The thunk of him landing on his back on the landing was so loud that everyone stopped what they were doing to turn and look at him. And I hate to say that I laughed, but I did. Because it was painfully funny. Which is really really mean of me. But whatever.

And lets see.... I gave Amanda her birthday present while I was supposed to be in class, but thats ok. And then I got really mad at her and just... left.

I think I'm PMSing cuz I've been in a kind of funk lately. And I've been teary and going against everything anyone tells me. On the bus-ride back from Philadelphia, I was listening to Lost in the Supermarket and I just started crying. It's been months since that songs made me do that. I really hate that boy. He needs to be shot. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I miss him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
7 cmnt

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