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...*tear*.. they say ur mother is someone you can always count on...BULLSHIT...... [21 Feb 2005|10:07pm]
[ mood | " i just want my mom 2 love me ]

I've done alot for my mom. I take care of her child as if she were mine. I clean her house. I fake to love the man i hated for over 10 yrs.. and now she has chosen him over my life. .... they say u can always count on ur mother.. but when u can't.. wut do u do?... who do u turn to for help?......how do you live?... my mom has gone too far this time..and all i can say... is she chose him over MY LIFE..... and so my mom might as well consider me dead.. jus like she asked.. I hope now HER family can be happy with out me..... I jus hope one day she realizes i care more than that man ever will. but shes gunna be too late by then... her daugher will be... dead...... I love you mom..... * tear*... but its what YOU want.. not me.....

2 thoughtZ...sO wUt u thinKin

whyd did he die? why can't i be a good mom? ..... I hate him!!...*tear* [21 Feb 2005|10:06pm]
[ mood | " i can't stand living anymore ]

*teAr*...... i grew up where my father use to work, This man let me live in his house... he's a rich man, but didnt treat me any diffrent. He made me feel like i WAS worth sumthing.... somthing my own mom has never done...... I was able to walk around his mansion like it was mine, swim in his pool, play pool/ billiard, and air hockey.... everything in his house was within my reach...... me n him never REALLY " talked" much... but i am wut i am thanx to him or at least the little succesful part of me.... i look up to him ... i never had that man to look up to......he was as close at it got..... .he called up yesterday and said he wanted to take me n my lil sister out to dinner. So yea he stopped by in his beautiful limo and pike us up round 430...

i thought we were jus gunna drive round for a while then go get food... but he had some news..... the great dog i grew up with died on monday..... i loved that dog ... i remember falling asleep on his tummy... he was my pillow.... he was my friend.... and now hes gone.... i didnt get to see him one last time.... i went to drop of sum stuff last month, but he was out for his walk.. and last time i coulda seen him was halloween... we always go there on halloween and say hi.. but this time i chose to go with my freinds..... i feel so guilty..... he was always there for me to hug n cuddle when i was crying.... and i couldnt go n visit him... idk.. i may seem stupid to u for caring so much about a dog... but FUCK YOU!! that dog was more than just dog... he was my brother.....

when i found out he was gone i wanted to cry.. but i held it in.... i came home and told me mom.. she didnt give too shits..... she was too excited about going to see her fukin husband.... shes not home now.. she left a little while ago.... i hate him... my sisters sick... why cant she stay home and take care of her... after all SHES her mother right?.....

right before she shut the door.. ( as if her leaving to go see that asshole wasnt bad enough) she yelled at me and said i was a fukin irresponsible bitch.... thias was cuz my sister fell asleep with her hair wet while i went to take a shower ( she had just taken a shower) and so she got even sicker.... i was IN DA SHOWER!!! i take care of her EVERY fukin day!! IM her mother!! is she CARED she would stay home... but w/e ...i dont care anymore... I try my best... i might not me the best mother... but im there... >>>> I<<<<< make my sister smile..... >>> I<<<< make sure she does her homework.... >>> I <<< try to teach her right from wrong...... >>>> I <<<< dont take out my anger on her.... >>> I'M<<<<< her fukin mother!!!!!

wellz.... i hate life..... but thank god I have my good buddy john to sing " I'm gunna fuk you gently" (by tenacious D) while im crying on the phone.. THANX JOHN!!!! *muahz*... yes its kinda weird...its an awsome song tho... and it cheared me up.... at least a lil.. LUVS YA!!!!

1 thoughtZ...sO wUt u thinKin

should i be sad? ashamed? or fukin proud?! [13 Feb 2005|01:06pm]
[ mood | why can't i be lik every1 else ]

well.. today two of my frends got a cell phone from thier parents.... a lil while ago my other frend got one for her b-day ..( thats the 3rd phone she gets) alot of b-day are cuming up, xmas jus passed..and most people got gift for their friends with their parents money..... i saved up money for 2 months and had to borrow money from my mom.. ( YES I PAYED HER bAK THE $50)... so i think i spent like $250 on x mas presents...i got ALOT of people presents... but they werent as expensive as other peoples gifts were... my ex.. ( boyfrned during x-mas ) spent alot of money on me... and i couldn't afford much.. i felt so bad ( and still do) i really tryed, but now that we broke up he always shoves it in my face... ( well yea.. anyways...gettin off topic..lol) can only afford balloons for most peoples b-day..and i couldn't even give my frend asha a balloon last month ( i known her for 4 yrs)...i felt SO bad.... basically my mom doesnt give me money... shes been giving me $8 a week to eat for the past month n 1/2 ..but thas only cuz i guilted her into it ( by accident)..she asked where all my money went..and i told her i only work to pay for buses to and from skool, lunch and presents for my frends.... she felt a lil bad and decided to give me money... yay!!.... so yea.. anyway i started working in 8th grade ( junior docent at the hudson river museum) its like a teen tour guide, then last year i started waitressing downstairs in the cafe.... and now im selling avon.....i still work as a junior docent but im basically doind volunteer hours, and well i techically still work at the cafe but my boss is a dick and only calls me when its REALLY buzy..... so yea.. . since i get money my mom doesnt buy me much..... jus notebooks, pens, and like 2 pairs of jeans a pair of sneakers and 3-4 shirts a year..... any fun stuff i do, dances, clubs, bus rides, gifts, movies, my nails, cells phones....its all me.... so i feel kinda bad cuz everyone does all this shit, gets so much and i gotta work for my money... i had a phone ( got it myself) and i got it taken away a yr ago ( it was messed up cuz I payed for it) but w/e got a new one ( my money) during the summer , and i lost it like 3 weeks ago..... GGRRR...lol... i was so mad... thats $100 lost in da snow... wellz.... yea... basically i wish my mom could get me all the stuff everyone else gets.... but she cant,...actually she jus doesnt.. yea shes not rich, kinda broke, but she spents money on my sister and stupid things for the house like ( pictures to hang up, and all this decoration things)...but still buys me nothin.....idk, i wanna be like evryone else, i wanna ask my mom for money for the movies, i wanna have money for stuff like evryone else.... im ashamed of the fact that my mom doesnt give me money... it gets me all depressed...but sometimes i think i should be proud.... im 16 and i pay for my own bus ive been buying my own clothes, food, gifts, phones for 2 yrs.... i guess thats good.. im independent... i may not have much... but i can call wut i have MINE....... wut do u guys think?

1 thoughtZ...sO wUt u thinKin

a thousand tears ...all for just one smile... [13 Feb 2005|08:56am]
[ mood | i wanna stop caing, but can't ]

I never loved my father, i think everyone knows that by now. I hate him with a passion... i dont " hate many people... actually i only hate one person...HIM. do you kno wut its like to hug the person u wish was dead? do u kno wut its like to give a man u hate a kiss on the cheek? do u kno how dirty it makes u feel? how much it burns to have to smile at him when u really wish u were cutting him open? maybe u do...maybe u dont, but I DO. I met him when i was 5, and faked to love him ever since, until i jus couldn't anymore. every hug i ever gave him was full of hate, every " i love u daddy" was full of anger and disgust. Anger that will never go away. .... WHY? ... why would i lie and hurt so much? ..because i loved my mom, and she loved him. it would hurt my mom too much if i showed the hate. I didn’t want to see her cry anymore. They say babies don’t remember. but i do... not everything, but i do. I remember the tears in her eyes, even though i acted like i never saw them. I remember how sad she was. and i remember the beatings i use to get, i did nothing wrong, nothing but be there. something he didn’t do. He wasn't there. She missed him. She needed someone to take HER anger out on. and i was there. i didn’t want to see my mom like that again. didn’t want to see her tears. so i smiled at him. then went to my room and cried my self to sleep. this wasn’t once a month. not even once a week. it was everyday. it hurts being fake.

How can i not hate the reason I’ve been crying everyday for the past 16 years? How can you tell me I shouldn’t hate him? " he's your father!".... SO FUKIN WUT?! ...he fuked my mom!! Congratu- fuking -lations!!! He got her pregnant. That means I should love him? Thas bullshit. I can’t. .. I swear I’ve tried. But I can’t… wont. I respect him, only because hes a person. Because he’s an adult. But not because hes my father. I’ve only disrespected the man once. But I had my reason. Why should I respect a man that had just threw me against the walls and onto a bed. He threatened to hit me. IM NOT FUKING SCARED ANYMORE. Im not scared to die. Not afraid of the pain. Its not important anymore. Im not a little gurl he can beat anymore. So I yelled at him and told him to fukin hit me… and well.. He did. But I didn’t care. I can take his hits now.….. I eat them shits

My mom wants me to love him. She wants me to be with him. Because it will make her happy. But I don’t wanna fake to love him anymore. Last night I came to my house. He stood in front of me and asked “ don’t you love me? Im your father. Don’t you think this is wrong? Don’t you ever miss running into my arms yelling “daddy?”. Don’t you love me?”…. I stood there . Looked into his eyes. And said nothing. I wasn’t gunna lie anymore. He got mad and walked out. I dont miss it, because i never enjoyed it. It was all a lie. I never knew wat it was like to run into a mans arms like thet. never had a guy to hug me. I never had an older male figure to love, hug and look up to. Some one to talk to..... ( thats why i always wanted an older brother, and now i have a brother. josh your the father/ brother i never had. And i hope your always there. .... john i know me being so close to him bothers u. but i can't give up somthing ive wanted all my life. HES MY BROTHER)so.. about my father....I HATE HIM. Maybe I am hurting him. And if I am im sry FOR HURTING A PERSON. Not because its him. If im wrong GOD PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

I’ve shed so many tears for just one smile from my mom. Just so she could be happy. So she could feel like she had a family. But after so many years I realized she wasn’t even smiling anymore. Because now he was hitting her too. He had beat her a couple of times before, but I didn’t know that until 2 years ago. And knowing that only made my hate him so much more. Im teired of being around him. Hurting myself more, all just to see her smile. But now my sister is the one that wants me around him. I try not to give in, but I did yesterday. I went with them to her karate tournament. My sister did great, but I was ready to cry the whole time. I was pressured into going. I had told him I wouldn’t go the night before. But in the morning my mom told me Stephanie was upset that I wasn’t going., so I went just for her to be happy.

Why do I care so much? Why do I “shed so many tears, for just one smile?” Ive always done it. I pretend to be happy jus to see the ones I love be happy. and when I try to be happy, once which i dont do very often i hurt the people i love... it just isnt fair.I wanna leave my house. But I can’t leave my sister like my mother planned on doing to me. I CAN”T leave my daughter. I’ve raised her. She MINE. Shes wut keeps me going, her and my frends…… GUYS I LOVE YOU!

sO wUt u thinKin

im reAdy tO lEt gO..... [03 Feb 2005|09:07pm]
[ mood | " i wanna die alone" ]

i dont kno.... but it seems to me nothing ever makes sence..it feels like life is a ladder...it takes u a long time....some times even yrs to try to reach the top( happiness) and jus when ur about to reach the top the ladder breaks..but this time its like it gets longer.....after so many yrs of trying...its hard to even see the top.... idk....lifes a bitch.... i hate it..and it hates me.... ha!.... i think the word happiness is just like the word perfect...it doesnt excist..... its all jus one of thoses goals that can't be reached...sure u can " feel" happy for a day or two cuz the guy u liked smiled at u, or ur mom finally told u she loves u...but a while later u see him kiss someone else..some one prettier than u, someone u cant even compare urself with... then ur mom tells u ur stupid and she wishes u were diffrent... or ur best frends lie to u.... anythin and everythin we ever look forward too jus makes our fall off the ladder so much worse.... it makes it hurt more when we fall... it makes us bleed as we reach the bottom...until finally we fall from so high.....we get so weak we jus die..... we let go off the ladder and let go of our life...i love so many ppl...but i think deep inside i was meant to be alone..... i wanna die alone..... ive always wondered how i wanna die.... and after stupid ones like falliing of a roller coaster...and fuking till i die...i cam up with the real way i want to die..... i wanna die in a dark room.... where there is NO light at all.... no food, no light.... no water.... no frendz.... i wanna be all alone... sit on the floor and cry myslef to sleep.....i want to die knowing noone is watchin me die.... crying forme... or feeling bad for me.... i WANT to die... leave this place ...i wanna let go off this ladder...im tierd of climbing..... tiereed of FUKIN FALLIN!!!..... i dont think its possible to be happy...and if it is then yay for the one who reaches the top...bcuz im about to let go....

2 thoughtZ...sO wUt u thinKin

things have changed... [16 Jan 2005|09:38pm]
[ mood | i dotn care anymore!!! ]

well, me n mari are talkin again..we talked things out n were kool... john is still takin to me..but nothin is the same... im still hurt...i realized i wasnt meant to be happy and im ok with it..as long as i can keep a smile on my daughters( sister) face thats all that materz....ive given up on alot...and realized i shouldnt care...no im not gunna kill myself at least not while my sister still needs me.. cuz ive realized shes the ONLY reason y i live now...frendz can leave u so easily... they can break promises in a quik second, they can lie...it jus isnt fair...so ive breaken promises of my own.. i kno its wrong but I DONT CARE...im sry for thoses who my be hurting ith my unhappy word and sadnees but i dont wanna TRY to be happy anymore.. i feel like in climbing a broken ladder...i try to hard to reach happiness and jus when i feel like i might make it i drop....i rather stay down here..at least i wont "fall" anymore... the closer to ground i am the less itll hurt..but if i fall from up high the cut will be deeep ....no all i can do is ask "why?"... why have i lost all my reasons to live in 2 weeks?...y did god take away all i had?.... but then i think they were not the reason i live..my sister is..they were njust the reason i "wanted " to live... now i live...but jus dont "want to".... i give up....*tear*.....im tiered of smilong..tiered of holdin bak my tears..tiered of fakin a smiel and hiding all this sadnnes..wuts the pint ...i sdont care wut pplz think anymore...im depressed..so wut?!...fuk everyone!

1 thoughtZ...sO wUt u thinKin

i hate this!! [06 Jan 2005|08:50am]
[ mood | " why?" ]

frEndz hAve beEn lOst, prOmisEs bRokeN,feElinGz huRt, it mAkez me reAlizE i dOn't beloNg oN thiS eArth...

Sometimes i sit and wonder
wonder why
why they've changed
they all changed
changed so much
i wish they hadn't
i wish they couldn't
god fukin damn it i wish they couldn't
i hate the change
cuz all the people i knew
i no longer know
and the people i loved no longer excist
they're all strangers
and now im all alone...

i broke up with my boyfrend on tuesday.. i had my reasons, even tho they seem stupid and worthless to many i believe it was right. yes i miss him, but its all for the mest... i rather still have a frend than break up with him when im mad n then not talk again...im sry i hurt u...

yesterday i think i lost my bestfrend, or should i say realized i did. She was treatin me like i was garbage and im tiered of it, then she went and talked behind my bak, yes i talk to my frends about how she treats me, but all i say is the truth , she was maikng things up jus to get my frned on her side. i did nothin to deserve it, nothin ...jus talked to her, she sdays so many lies. even to me, act like idk im not like dat, true i dont listen to wut u say now...CUZ IM TIERED OF ALL UR BULLSHIT N PUSHIN ME AROUND , thas the only y shes mad! cuz im not her bitch anymore..its not fair

i love u, ur like my sister, but even tho it hurts to say it, after all the shit u told josh yesterday we can't be frendz anymore. u talk so much when ur mad, n say shit that really hurts, i never do that... " ur an alcoholic" " its not my fault SOME people got problems" ...shit like dat...i let u push me around for a lil too long. im not gunna take it no more...im not like u, im not gunna go fight my bestfrend or talk bad to everyne like u did when u got mad at mary... im not like dat, but u r... i love u but thas it...u me aint talkin no more..i jus tried to talk to u...i let u say wut u had to say n when i try to talk u jus sign off...ur actin so fucked up...and so u n me aint cool no more...i hope u have a great life, cuz no im not fukin selfish! i hope u n marcos are happy 2gether, cuz no i dont want u to be sad jus cuz i am...i hope u sumday learn how to treat people right... cuz u treat the people that love u like shit..includin all ur frendz n ur momz...she loves u n does so much for u...show her sum respect for ones and get off my momz dick...u try to act so innocent in front of her talkin bout " im never gunna lie to ur mom" , yet i had to loose ur moms trust twice jus so u could see marcos....4get it, after all i dun think ur gunna read this... all i wanna say is ill get my shit out of u locker n leave ur stuff in der, i hope thers no beef, no hate, cuz i still love u... i got ur bak in any fightz...1

2 thoughtZ...sO wUt u thinKin

my vacation....or at kleast the past week [02 Jan 2005|12:38pm]
[ mood | wut kinda frend does that!!?? ]

hhmmm.... i think i last updated saturday....so ill start by tellin u about sunday....i called up my gurls lina and mimi...havent chilled for the longest!! so i went to thuier house, we watched movies ( one of them was so funni, it had NO pouint at all!!) and the second one i didnt even get to finish cuz i had to go home. My sister was with me, and it was so funni cuz while we were watchin a movie( my sis , their brother, and his frend were playin) we heard one of them say " stephanie kiss him!", " no kiss him"...( or at least sumthin like that) I ran out of the room like " NOONE IS KISSING NOONE!!" wtf!! lol so yea they were playin sum weird game or sumthin...lol...then monday i was gunna chill with my boyfrend ( hjohn) WE MADE @ MONTHS THAT DAY!! but yea, instead i ended up chillin with mari. we went to galleria, it took years to get there!! lol it was so cold!!! on the bus we saw boochi n his frends so we jus chilled in da bak till we got there, we met upp with mari's frend mary...lol... did a lil shoppin n walkin round and then took the buz bak home. i got a lil pisses cuz even tho i was willin to get of da bus b4 my stop, walk up a big hill in the cold, then call my mom and tel her i needed a ride home and get yelled at like czy jus cuz my frend didn't wanna wak alone or call her mom....she didn't even wanna fukin ask her mom to give me a ride home .... ( her mom ended up pikin us up cuz the bus was going to take an hr...WTF!! wut kinda frend is that!! ..but ANYWAY...her mom was nice enough to give me a ride with out me askin. got home. tuesday i babysat my lil sis, mom came n piked us up, we took my lil sis n the kid my mom was babysittin to kid-o-robics. then she dropped us off. wednesday i got to chill with my gurl tatti..havent seen her in a minute. i also chilled with my boy dan. we were in 808 ( da same class) in 8th grade. so we walked round helped her with her shoppin , n then went to go watch a movie. we watched meet the fockers...that shit was funni...." asss....hoooole"...lmao.... thursday i think i babysitted all day...friday i went to my baby's house, watched a movie ( princess monokokdfjfnsdfj)...got shot my his bee bee gun 3 times..( OUCH!) n then jus came home.. saturday/ yesterday i stayed home, helped my sister with some project...it was fun i got to cut out a bunch of kitties n stuff....i love cuttin n gluin!! ( wow..im sucha baby!)..lol...and today im jus home babysittin..gotta do hw and...AHHH!! my homework!! shit!! ahhh!! g2g!!..lol...1

3 thoughtZ...sO wUt u thinKin

wut u guyz got for x-mas? [26 Dec 2004|10:01am]
[ mood | presentz! presents! whoo!..lol ]

Hmm… how was everyone’s x-mas? Did u all get a bunch of gifts? Any one drink too much? I hope everyone’s x-mas was fun…. Mine suked ( which I already explained in my last entry but yea)…I’m jus bored and feel like listing wut I got for X-mas…wellz ….

My frendz got me:

ASHA - an Elmo wallet, hair thingies, and a bracelet ( the wallet is so cute!!)
JANE - Elmo socks ( they are so fukin cute!!)
GOAT - Elmo slippers ( I’m wearin them right now…)
MY BROTHER - a necklace ( wearing that too)
MARI - the cutest shirt ever, and lip gloss from Victoria’s secret..( luv da shirt ma!!)_
JOHN - white sneakers, the Elmo that dances and spells out E-L-M-O ( Elmo gotz a fatty!!)

Can’t 4get kyla: great sex ( LMAO, inside joke)..no people I didn’t really have sex with her…lol


Wut dA familY gOtz me :

mY mOmz : a watch, $60,and Baby Elmo ( he is so cute!)
My lil princess ( sister) : a cute bracelet

…AND the oNe I hATe got me: $80, a ring, 3 sweaters ( red, blak, gray) , and a cd ( blastin dat reggaton!!)

( only reason he got me shit is to suk up to my momz …asshole…., but hey luv da giftz)

Wellz I think thas it, pplz I luv all my gifts, I hope u guys all loved wut I got u…I tried me best!!

* muahz*

sO wUt u thinKin

my Perfect x-mas...funni thing is... [25 Dec 2004|06:21pm]
[ mood | am i the problem?...*tear* ]

wellz i had my BEST x-mas this yr!! but theres jus one silly thing about it, it was on thursday..lol...after skool we all went to johns house ( my man)and chilled, he made eveythin so perfect!!! he left skool early , went to his house and put all our presents for each other under da tree ( we dropped them off in da mornin) and when we got there it looked all pretty, n he had x-mas music playin...i swear i coulda cryed..it was so perfect, we all sat on da floor n took turns openin our presents..i loved all my presents!! they were so cool!! i had to leave early tho cuz i had to pic up my lil princess, so yea i left...but it was so fun!!! thanx john!!! i hope evryone liked wut i got them !! .......
.....but yea, my "real" x-mas is all a bunch of SHIT!! im all upset n shit, my father been here since yestrday n its killin me. i hate him and can't wait till he leavez, i was bout to jus leave my house last night, but didn't want to mess up my moms x-mas, she looks so happy.... and i hate her tellin me evrything is my fault...cuz now i dunno if it really is anymore... my sis, mom, n him are in da livin room right now....i can hear them lafin like crzy...they sound like... a family...and im not a party of it...maybe if i wasn't here they would be a perfect family.....am i really the reason noone is happy?am i being selfish? i use to think it was jus their way of takin out their anger..but all those lafs comin from the livin room are sayin the opposite.... idk wut to think no more... maybe i should just leave, i want my mom to be happy....i hate being the reason shes not happy...i hate being in the way...maybe IM the problem...not him...* tear*

sO wUt u thinKin

its almost x-mas!! [14 Dec 2004|02:32pm]
[ mood | yay! its almost x-mas!! whoo! ]

its almost X-mAs!!! im sooOoooooOOo fukin happy!!! evryone is buyin shit for evryone!!...i got mad mad presents..still got a lil to go..but this is who im gettin stuff for.........
21- Ms.romero ( yes shes a teacher, but she deservesd it ...she a GREAT TEACHER, had her last yr)

wellz..i think thas it...and it a fhukin lot..its 2 months worth of workin my ass off....no money from my mother ...so hells yea ppl i love u!!! but i also might end up askin my mom for another 50, which ill pay bak when i waitress at my next party on jan. 3....or was it 4th?.....lol...wellz yea..jus to let u kno...i love my frendz...and i hope they realize im spendin all my money jus for them..so please love me bak!!!...lol..luvs u!! .....

whos excited about x-mas?

6 thoughtZ...sO wUt u thinKin

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