wow. nothing is going good. i wish something could just happen, that would make me smile. well, atleast crack a smile. all i do is cry, watch t.v., eat, eat.... did i say EAT? goodness, im going to get so fat. and its really annoying me. all i wanted to do is go see my little sister alexis, and my mom said "NO!!! your not getting rewarded, right after you just did something horrible!!!" GOD. i just want to see my little sister. thats it. am i asking for that much?? i mean really.
does your heart ever hurt? to the point where you just want to rip it right out of your chest? well, thats how mine feels, right now. my head hurts, i feel like im going to throw up everything that i ate for breakfast. i havent ate since like 6:30 this morning. im not hungry, and if i do eat i feel like im going to throw it right back up.
i might have a smile on my face. but, that doesnt mean its a real one. i seem to be faking everything im doing lately. seem to be faking being happy. faking wanting to be with my mom. faking everythihng. and this morning when amber told me that stuff about him, that didnt make me feel any better. i just felt like i wanted to all of a sudden fly away. just to no where. nowhere at all. just be away from everything. everything that is going on. i hate life right now, but people keep telling me that it is going to get better. i sure hope so. i sure hope it will get better SOON! </3>he</b> is another thing that is making me sick to my stomach. but i just want him so much, it hurts. to event think about him. but she has him. and she doesnt deserve him. i do! i know i do! God, it kills me to know that she can hold him in her arms, and i cant even have the chance. because, i dont even talk to him anymore. [not gregory] she can kiss his soft lips, but i cant. she can talk to him, but i cant. -- i told my grandpa that he was back. and he sounded excited. well, not really excited. but, happy that he thought i was happy. sometimes i just hope that he wasnt here. just thinking about him being away and no one being able to see him, was better then him being here and me not being able to see him. i miss him so much. argh! i hate how i miss him. i just wish that i could erase him out of my life. just everything from him being in my memory.
but, mother says i have to get off. </3>what you do kills me, can you not see? are you really that blind? i just want you. and i know you can see that.</b>