This is a story about a girl. Now this girl was like a lotta girls. She had a Dad who not only didn't understand her at all, he didn't even try. It's like he was the only human being in the house, and everyone was owned by him, and the girl was not supposed to think the things she thought or feel the way she felt.
I am not supposed to tell you these things.
And then the girl grew up and had a string of bad relationships where she would get her trust really betrayed and start feelin owned again. See, having been hurt by her Dad, she didn't wanna hurt anyone else, and she tried really hard to remember that she wasn't the center of the universe, but, see, then she'd find out that the other person didn't feel the same, didn't recognize her, she had no bestfriends, only users.
You are thinking this is about me.
The girl came down the hill. "I don't love you anymore, I am getting trained not to be able to love anyone," she said. She started talking about what real love was and how there was no one on the whole planet who would ever be able to love her. She was determined to really think about things and change how her life was going. "Dog god damned dead," she said and stamped her feet.
I am trying so hard to be cool.
And then she met this boy (the anti-hero) who had these beautiful sad eyes and looked like a lost and abused little child and he said, "I am wild like you, I am fun loving like you and understand what has happened to you, I will love you."
What is his name?
But, see, this boy had no way of understanding her 'cause he couldn't even hear her on account of he had tons of cheesy yellow wax built up in his ears. He only picked up certain phrases. He repeated these phrases back at her to make her think that, yes, he was listening.
Please pretend I am king.
The girl starting talking: "I can't love you because you are sick like my father. Your love is perverted and filled with spikes meant to fit under a girls fingernails, meant to burrow themselves like cloves that get stuck in your teeth, into my insides, to a pleace where you always have an unfair advantage over me."
See, the boy had this terrible disease that started as just a small thing. The disease made him have to control everything. He said he understood, but he didn't. He had to know. To feel safe, he had to know everything in advance. Know things before they happened.
There is something the matter with me.
The girl started fantasizing: Someday the boy is gonna come into my room and lay his head on my lap and say, "I'm scared." Then I will stroke his his head and repeat over and over, "I promise you are not gonna die tonight."
I am no good by myself.
Inside the boy wanted to own the girl and scaled her with his cum. It was because it was all he thought he knew how to do and no one had taught him any different. He felt sure that everything would be okay if he could just make it so that the girl would be his, really his. If he could just make it so nothing was left to change.. he would be safe.
Please help me and make me wide.
I am going to love you and not repeat any bad pimp patterns of your dad. (he said) I am going to be the opposite. I am going to love you, really love you, how only a rape victim who forgives can know love. I am going to turn out all the insides that are my guts and rub my pinky finger all them. Soft, I will tear up little pieces of soft and pinky flesh, I will smell them with my nose till the stench burns my eyes, I will cum into a navy brown hole of insects while you watch me scream out the my name in terrifying love, girl.
I'm so very scared but I'm not gonna say it.
Wounds were eating the boy up. Scabs on skin and scabs on scabs. If he could only scrub everything away maybe he could see the original wound, if he could only control her and make it so he knew what was gonna happen. If he could only turn her into something clean and simple that he could understand.
Be mine. XOXOXOXOXOXO
Girl, having been shoved full shards of glass and limp pricks and had to fuck and scream, fuck and scream, fuck and scream int he same way over and over again.... having been the product of rape, the child of bestiality bent pimp who was so all consumed by the small size of penis and brain that all he wanted to do was make her feel little and small. Having been burnt with cigarette butts and turned out of houses. Hungry hungry, she said, "yes"
You look so could I could eat you up.
The boy was dying because he didn't know how to love anyone. He only knew about winning and losing. He had to keep himself alive. He had to fuck a dead body in order to feel himself, in comparison, alive.
Love is a many splendored thing.
The girl looks at you, the reader, and says: The lie of love is Red like a ring around a kid's Koolaid stained lips. Red, like what they tell you your insides look like, only you never really know cuz you never get to see them. What happens if you find out your own insides don't exist?
She looks you straight in the eyes.
You believe in them anyways.
Your love keeps me alive.
He wished the girl was dead.
You're my love thing.
"I believe, i believe, i believe you really love me," she said.
All i need is the air that I breathe and to love you.
The girl didn't matter at all anymore. "I love you so much," he said as he unzipped his pants.
Our love will never die.
I am going to kill you now (he said). i love you i love you i love you i love you. I am going to kill you, i love you, only i'm not gonna leave any marks or bruises (he slid his levi's down) I am gonna blue black blister mark your heart so bad that you are stammering and begging me to be your best friend again.. I am gonna make you into a dead fuckdoll whose pussy hole is handcuffed to my brain (he rolled her over onto her stomach) Oh please oh please be mine forever girl.
Till death do us part.
But, see, I did not die. I lived.