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[10 Nov 2007|11:54am]

http://users.livejournal.com/_paraphernalia/

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[26 Oct 2007|03:21pm]
i thought i had a hold on things. seeing everything for what it was etc. you're awful and i am seeing that. but i am misinterpreting everything else. shut up be quiet.
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[22 Oct 2007|12:54pm]
looking back as unhappy as i claimed to be, i was fine. now i am not fine. things do not work out, if i could put a more positive spin on things i would. when i leave here im going to think the same thing. i was fine. i just feel things could be better, i could be happier. somewhere else? even though i know thats a complete lie. i have always thought things would be better somewhere else, high school , college, college, fuck. i will be forever searchingfor what makes me happy and never find it, nevermind watching bad television, finding good places that sell pizza, the mall, folding clothes, shopping with my mom, talking to my dad, driving at 6 or 7pm when the sun is setting and people are home from work, the right music, happy old people, candy, hysterically laughing at nothing with my roomate, sluts at parties, a mikshake, piles of trash, smoking too much pot, sewing my shorts every week, swimming, seeing sasha, being able to sleep under the bed, those bitches in history, history history, brandon and hayden, halloween superstores, fancy fancy resturants, i could go on forever, these things make me happy. happier than anyone else ever could. but i tell myself there is more. help ,
1 comment|;

[14 Oct 2007|08:40pm]
there is a difference between the feeling you get the moment right before you walk into a building and the feeling you get when leaving. god, what do i have to do, oh i can't wait for warm air. but you must move your arms. i miss my dad i miss hawaii so freakingg much. everyone is the same, i cant put this into words in any sort of way. i love seeing people puke in the sink, please i didnt do anything wrong you dont need to be mad. i'm heartless! habits of 500 dollars a month. i don't believe a word you are saying. but you just told me everything i could ever want to hear. why. why cant things just be solid. inconsistency and contradictions you will never escape. am i supposed to end this or deal with this? am i supposed to be positive and hopeful despite my extreme tendency to be a completely negative person about everything in life? because i am. and i dont know if i should. idealisms right. i dont want to be anywhere unless i'm with you, but thats absolutely pathetic. i wont let anyone speak for me and i will never bring up anything in the past as defense. i will start every conversation with some sort of attitude that will not ruin it, that will not cause a fight. i will. i am the most observant antisocial, jealous person. i am selfish. this all comes down to the question, should you do what makes you happy right now no matter the consequences? how much can you really ruin your life by a bad decision, how much time is actually wasted,   communication is very important. i do not know much.
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[05 Oct 2007|08:29pm]

 i can not handle any of this. no, i DO NOT WANT to handle any of this. i am actually not a person and the only thing i want to do is hang out with my best friend play rummy drink milkshakes and shop for furniture, there is only so much time there is only so much time.

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[03 Sep 2007|03:30pm]

i am so overly concerned with money, when i really have no reason to be. at least not in september. i realize getting a job would actually make all of those feelings go away but frankly i am too lazy and honestly who really cares about debt because the entire country is in debt. but i have been taught better by my parents. i could say i'm lucky. i hate everything about college. i hate the waiting and organizing of people to get someplace there might be beer. i hate chanting in the hall and sex everynight with a different person. observing all of this two years after going through it is awful. but i transfered for a reason, and not yet have i felt the same way i felt there. i'm dropping out because i just want to go to alaska and seattle. i do not need a college degree hah, nor do i really have the desire to get one. as if all this would go over well with mom and dad. i'm not paying. you're going to come, and then you're going to leave. if things could just work in strange ways and somehow i could be okay with everything the way it is that would be great. but still superstitious im going to jinxx everything. at least it's pretty on top of the parking garage at seven pm. and at least there is plenty of lightning.

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[01 Sep 2007|01:36pm]

i've talked with enough homeless people at the bus stop. it's hardly insightful.  a trailer home domestic violence exibit, you have to have an appointment , you have to call a 480 number. it would just be so nice if it would rain

1 comment|;

[08 Jul 2007|06:18am]

listen and understand.
i can not stop thinking about what huge mistakes i have made and might be making.
i'm scared to death but i do not have anyone who will listen, i'm sure you would understand.
i am very much alone.
as i will always be, i suppose.

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[11 Apr 2007|12:20am]

i get what i give but no one can tell where the sequence started. new days dont bring new things it seems. there are two bugs, two always two and growing closer. it is so easy for me to complain and criticize every person in my life right now. all i am finding is faults. everything about me has been criticized ive been broken down disrespected and i have yet to find myself changing anything. it's much easier to blame everybody else isnt it?

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[19 Feb 2007|11:30am]

like i'd invented the word fuck just to insult her. get the fuck out of the bathroom. it did not cost forty dollars for that, i'm not giving you money. and i almost lost my wallet. "what did you do to her christine?" haha. nothing, not a thing. i do not have anyone to talk to unless i want to be criticized or torn apart. fuck you. fuck you for your assumptions and fuck you for lying to me. but i've come to realize saying and feeling something does not make anything change faster.

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[28 Jan 2007|09:02pm]

i am stubborn."kill them with kindness" is advice that i do not want to hear. i don't think people should be treated any differently than they deserve. i realize i don't deserve to be treated nicely. you are hollow. there is nothing more to you than exterior, skin and bones. hair and nails. when everything is a joke there is nothing more than what you see.? i am so disgusted and confused about everything.

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