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Dec. 15th, 2010

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(no subject)

I miss when I wrote in this thing on a regular basis. Notice that we started out with livejournal, that gives us all the room in the world to say what is on our minds, and then we move on to twitter that only allows us 140 characters?

Even our internet soapboxes are shrinking. Sad, huh?

Sep. 12th, 2008

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...

at this point, every shitty thing that ever happens to me is just more material for my book.

seriously.

Sep. 1st, 2008

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Simple.

My life amazes me to no end.

I never thought life could be like this. I never thought I could be this lucky.

I love it.

May. 22nd, 2008

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uh...

so this is happiness.

hrm.

Apr. 7th, 2008

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UNSENT.

I am so jealous I did not write this first. It's amazing because I can put a face to each of these names, and some even overlap. It's so bittersweet and I think anyone who has had any sort of relationship can relate.

"Unsent" - Alanis Morissette dear matthew I like you a lot I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now and I respect that I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to come visit me in california I would be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song

dear jonathan I liked you too much I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves and you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time I used to say the more tragic the better the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday

dear terrance I love you muchly you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me I kept drawing you in and pushing you away I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself what was wrong with me

dear marcus you rocked my world you had a charismatic way about you with the women and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass but I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though and that stopped us from going any further than we did and it's kinda too bad becasue we could've had much more fun

dear lou we learned so much I realize we won't be able to talk for some time and I understand that as I do you the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you about your career about your whereabouts

Mar. 28th, 2008

ho.

"I Like Giants" by Kimya Dawson

Read and take heed:


When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road, turn out the lights, get out and look up at the sky
And I do this to remind me that I'm really, really tiny
In the grand scheme of things and sometimes this terrifies me


But it's only really scary cause it makes me feel serene
In a way I never thought I'd be because I've never been
So grounded, and so humbled, and so one with everything
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything

Rock and roll is fun but if you ever hear someone
Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky
Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye

I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye

When I saw Geneviève I really liked it when she said
What she said about the giant and the lemmings on the cliff
She said 'I like giants
Especially girl giants
Cause all girls feel too big sometimes
Regardless of their size
'

When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side
Of the road and run and jump into the ocean in my clothes
*I'm smaller than a poppyseed inside a great big bowl
And the ocean is a giant that can swallow me whole

So I swim for all salvation and I swim to save my soul
But my soul is just a whisper trapped inside a tornado
So I flip to my back and I float and I sing
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything
I am grounded, I am humbled, I am one with everything


So I talked to Geneviève and almost cried when she said
That the giant on the cliff wished that she was dead
And the lemmings on the cliff wished that they were dead
So the giant told the lemmings why they ought to live instead

When she thought up all those reasons that they ought to live instead
It made her reconsider all the sad thoughts in her head
So thank you Geneviève, cause you take what is in your head
And you make things that are so beautiful and share them with your friends

We all become important when we realize our goal
Should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole

And yeah, rock and roll is fun, but if you ever hear someone
Say you are huge, look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
Look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky

Say I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
I am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
And I don't wanna make her cry
Cause I like giants

Mar. 7th, 2008

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I need to shower.

It really really annoys me when people call acquaintances "friends" and when they say "I love you" to said acquaintance or "friend." Friendship is time-tested, durable, strong. And so is love. How can you feel that way for someone you hardly know? To love someone is to know them and admire them for who they are. If you don't truly know someone, your love is faulted, and want to take it back. Which makes you reckless because you throw around serious terms. Which is funny, because most people don't like to use the Lord's name in vain or curse, but they can call everyone and their friggin' mother a "friend" and say that they love them. What is this world coming to? Friends are supposed to be people that you would go to the ends of the earth for, take a bullet for, feel like they are your family. I just don't get it.

I won't lie, I am highly amused by the little soapbox livejournal gives for me. I mean, who really cares what I think about what people say and do? But, there is a website created so we can all pretend.

Things are okay. A little emotionally whacked-out, but okay. I suppose I could complain, but I really can't bring myself to right now.

My sister and brother-in-law are expecting their first child, and I am so excited. Late October/November is sure to be an amazing month. I really can't get over how truly blessed my family is. Even if none of the really awesome things are happening to me, I can still stand back, look at the big picture, and be in awe. It's a good feeling.

I took a midterm that I am not confident about at all. My teacher is a treacherous bitch and I wish she would just teach us instead of rattling off her ignorant view of the right and the left. I want to know facts about government. Stop using your class as an audience for your grievances with the government. Goodness.

I decided to give up alcohol until the 24th of April as a bet with my good friend John Nader. This was made on February 24th, and I have not yet had a drink. Go me. I have also given up fried foods, red meat, and mayonnaise until May 1st (I created this vow on March 1st). The hardest thing to give up out of all of those, without a doubt, is mayonnaise. And as a result, I have already lost three pounds (in addition to dieting), and it hasn't even been a week. That's sick and disgusting. But I miss my spreadable fat so much.

By the way, I forgot how good Diet Cherry 7Up is. Mm. Delicious.

Have a good weekend, and to all of the DBCers, happy spring break.

Feb. 19th, 2008

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Just a minute

to jot down some feelings, even though I should be reading this short story for class in an hour.

School has been going so well, and I am honestly surprised at myself. Who knew that I could excel at the college level? I am so used to everyone telling me that I need to take baby steps, that I too convinced myself I wasn't capable of much. I have not gotten anything less than an A (lowest was a 92, second lowest, 95) on anything I have handed in thus far. And this makes me happy, but being lonely and having nothing to do or occupy my time other than my homework is making me upset. My life is in Tampa. I am sad to say it, because I am so grateful for my parents and everything, but I miss my friends. I didn't really realize it while I was there, but somewhere along the way, we became a family, and I don't like being away from them. It actually makes me sad in the same way that I would get sad missing my mother.

I have auditions in six days. Please pray for me. It's a narrow slot for women-- they are only taking two, and I don't know how good of a standing I have, considering the fact that DBC has an amazing theatre department. But seriously. Keep me in your prayers. Please and thank you.

I go back to Tampa for an audition for a movie this weekend. Another thing to wish me luck on. I cannot wait to see Jojo, JB, 'Gina, Steve, Sarah, etc... I am seriously living for the weekend.

Other bad things have happened, like nasty phone calls and text messages, and a year ago, I would have been able to step out of the situation and understand why they were being sent. But now? How can one stay so angry for so long? How can one "love" someone, but honestly wish them harm? I don't understand so many things about humankind, and I am trying to be a patient student and let everything come to me in time, but holy moly. This is insane. But, as a wise person once said, "one can dwell on the things we cannot change for only so long."

I am feeling so many different things right now, that I honestly feel like my heart and head are going to simultaneously explode. I hope you are all having a great week, I just needed to vent and breathe and make myself feel a little more sane.

Feb. 14th, 2008

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Cupid Doesn't Visit 24-Hour Diners

I knew when I got the invite over the phone that this wasn't a treat to lunch. It was another speech in another meeting place safe enough to give disappointing news without a scene. I'm a professional listener of the "it was great, but let's be friends" speech. But still, I was trying to feel optimistic, so I got dressed, and hoped this was all in my head.

It was February thirteenth, so there was a nip in the air. I shivered a little as I walked up to the glass doors of that little diner, decorated with paper cupids and red foil heart balloons. After inspecting the decorations, I saw him sitting in a booth by himself. The way he was slouching over his coffee cup told me all I needed to know.

After exchanging greetings and him offering to help me out of my coat, he began his spiel.

"It's just... you needed a friend, and I needed a friend," he said from the other side of the booth, tapping on his almost full coffee cup. After I saw where this was going, I kind of stopped listening. I just kept playing with my spoon, thinking of absolutely nothing at all while looking at him as if he was a stranger. The truth is, he sort of was a stranger. I hadn't known him for that long, and even though I knew what he was studying in school, I don't think I knew nearly enough to consider him a friend. But that didn't stop what happened between us from happening.

Yeah, it could have been easy for me to blame the romantic setting of the beach, or the conversation about our old heartbreaks instead of acting responsible for my actions, which is exactly what he was doing when I started listening again. But I couldn't agree with him. In fact, I could hardly stand to sit there and listen to one bit of his bullshit story about how he realized his heart needed to mend and that what happened was a mistake.

Even though I went into this situation without any expectations, I still knew what I meant by our encounter at the beach. I didn't want to marry the guy tomorrow or anything, but it wasn't like I wouldn't ever consider it. It was still to early to tell. But I knew that I didn't do what I did without thinking, or because I was hurt and needed a "friend." Friends don't have romps on the beach, and friends don't have pseudo-break ups in shitty diners two mornings after.

"I'm so, so sorry," he said in an overly-sympathetic tone that sounded really insincere. "I thought this was what I wanted. And it is what I want, but I know what I should do. And what I should do is be by myself. You know what I mean? I really hope you don't make a big deal out of this, because I think you're a great friend."

The whole time I kept thinking, what is with the gentle let-down this guy is giving me? He's acting like this notice of rejection is going to break my heart into a million pieces. I was dying to say something, but all I could do was turn my cheap earring that was infecting my ear, and nod. And then he started playing with that damn cup of coffee again. We both sat there in silence for what felt like way too long, staring at him tapping on the coffee cup, both of us avoiding eye contact.

This has happened to me so many times before, that I couldn't bring myself to feel anything but anger. Anger at being rejected; anger that he thought he had such a hold on my emotions, and anger at myself for being so wrong about someone again, and for being so hopeful that this time would be different.

What could be so different about this time if it was just like every other time?

Raising my eyes from the coffee cup, and staring straight into his eyes, I said low enough to conceal the trembling in my voice, "Just stop. It's okay." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw one of those heart-shaped foil balloons.

As I grabbed my coat and stood up from the booth, with a small smile on my lips, I managed to speak again, this time to say, "Happy Valentine's day."

Walking through the parking lot, it took all of me not to scream. But I didn't. Instead, I just got into my car, put the key in the ignition, and turned up the radio:

"I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee... clouds in my coffee and..."

And with that, I cried all the way home.

Feb. 4th, 2008

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Things

are looking up. I am so, so, upset that I would even think of giving up.

hello world, it's the song that we're singin',
c'mon get happyyyyyyyy.

yay giants, even though i don't like football...
just excited a boston team lost.

coffee makes my stomach hurt to no end, but i can't live without it.

random update just to say i am doing well. hope everyone else is. ♥

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