|| unconfortably numb..
wow. the last time i wrote in this was september. it makes me unbelievably sad to think of that time period. i had such an amazing life. i had a boyfriend, who i loved with all my heart, i had good grades in school, and i had friends.
well...now all i have is friends. which all graduated last night. depressing.. i didn't even get to see drew, which made me sad. we kind of haven't been talking the past few days. i think i have confused him, oh well, just another thing to add to my list.
i haven't been this, upset in my life. i have lost someone who was everything to me. literally everything. i don't know how i can live without him, but i am. we really were happy. just we had some problems. it's funny to think that we weren't meant to be together. he fucked me over. big time. he let down big time. i don't know how i could ever forgive him unless he fucking called me or fucking talked to me. but of course not cause he's obsessed with this extremely skinny girl tiffany. she fucked me over. for those of you who don't know chris and her went to mexico together and i emailed her before she went and explained my situation to her about how i know what happens in mexico and that i loved christopher and i dont want anything to happen between them and then she emailed me back and said she would never do that to anyone because she knows how it feels. but just to add to my luck, they fucked each other, in the rain and that ended my life of happiness. i don't think i have ever felt that much pain in my life, and still to this day, 3 months later, i cry and cry because i never thought that someone who claimed to love me would hurt me like that. i never thought in a million years my boyfriend, the one who i had been with for over a year would hurt me. would literally stab my heart with such pain as he did. i felt my life crash down and all i wanted to do was die. i swear to you, i hope none of you ever feel the way i did because it will literally tear you apart for so long as it has me. no matter what i try to do to get him out of my head it just won't work. this time last year, i was running to him in the feild to congradulate my loving boyfriend. it unbelievably how alone one person can feel surround by a thousand in a football stadium. i tried so hard to be happy for billy and all my graduating friends, but i just couldn't. i tried and tried but all i wanted to do was cry. everytime i felt a tear i would pull down my sunglasses and buck it up, even at 12 o clock at night. i felt so bad, and all i wanted to do was go home. but i didn't, i stayed out for them. to be there for them, probably the last night we would all be together.
all i want is christopher, my best friend back. i want him to give up this infatuation he has with tiffany, and come home to the one who loves him. and the one who cared about him for so long. im so scared for this summer. today begins my 3 months of loneliness and depression. not because i have no friends, because i do. but because everyday last summer i had someone to watch dawsons creek with me and see every morning to greet me and tell me they loved me. now all i have in dawsons creek by my self in my room. im sure he'll go to the lake with her now and go to sunsplash and salt river tubing. why does he need me now? he's got her.
well christopher, i hope she's a good fuck because i would never ever give up someone who loved me.i loved you, i gave you everything. i really did. i gave you every part of my heart and soul and you threw it on the ground and let her walk all over it.
i thought you were better than just a face in the crowd. i thought you ha some integrity, some sort of being because of what you had been through...and you were so good to me up until the day before my starring in the spring play.
i'm still waiting for you to stop running for once like you always do, and show up at my door with roses begging for my friendship.