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gunther heimlich
31 March 2010 @ 09:30 pm
i'm thinking of an americana/punk song with the lyrics "by the grace of god go I". it's not flogging molly. the candence is: "by-the-grace-of...GOD-GO-I!!" with "god go I" being shouted, and then i feel like that kicks into the chorus, which speeds up. possibly fiddle involved. any takers?
 
 
gunther heimlich
02 April 2009 @ 09:50 am
sometimes, things just work.

spring quarter is only two days old and i'm sharing in jackie's feelings of inexplicable, overwhelming happiness. we were just sitting at Delta yesterday, dancing to reggae and sharing a ciggie and marveling at how good things can be some time, for no reason that you can see.

i went to berkeley for a german group yesterday. i'm always trying to find people to speak german with, but on the same token, i hate going to berk. making that long drive on 80, watching the bay unfold, crossing the bridge...it reminds me too much of angela, jeff, lexy...people i love that i don't have in my life anymore. making that drive is like going back in time, but arriving at an empty house when you get there. so, who knows. i might go again, but i can't see myself wanting to skip discussion on wednesdays again.

it just needs to be Friday already. Pregaming with brownbagged wine bottles in German class watching operas, lunch with my Spaniard brother, German Club, and the lovely Jacqueline's birthday party. There will be brownies and hookah and shots and I will be so happy.
 
 
gunther heimlich
27 February 2009 @ 02:49 pm
i'm so close to being finished. conclusion on one essay, works cited. another essay, the condensed history of berlin in 2 pages or less. yeah, that's a brilliant idea. ask for a detail description of berlin from the weimar republik to the present, and then put a 2 page cap on it. i hope being really, really vague and making broad, sweeping comments doesn't count against me.

my head is pounding. i don't know what to do about.

i need to read hesse again, make sure i understand it before wednesday. really, i want to sleep, but i have 2 hours before german club and i'm not driving home now. it's ok, though. i'm in a very happy place, surrounded by beautiful people. i should be OK.
 
 
gunther heimlich
23 February 2009 @ 12:37 pm
lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust lust.



i can't turn my head off.
 
 
gunther heimlich
30 January 2009 @ 02:16 pm
i just want to know why everybody leaves me.
 
 
 
gunther heimlich
26 January 2009 @ 07:36 pm
jeff's girl broke up with her boyfriend for him, and they're on their way to being a couple. after nights of advice, nights of him confiding in me and crying, sharing music and stories and me trying to tell him to forget about her and move on , or to find patience and wait it out...it's all over. they both can finally have what they wanted. he can get what i couldn't provide.

i want to be happy for him, but my gut feels heavy and my heart beat's sluggish. i don't know what to think about it all. i guess i can be relieved, now. it's done and there's no going back to the way it was, ever.

"i'm still a bug, after all," he said to me.
"that's right. that will always be ours. she can't take that away."

he will always be my little bug, and i will always be his goddess. strange, knowing that he'll be sharing a bed with another girl, doing the same things we did in the same ways, but he'll never be her bug.

but fuck.

i'm reading and writing. that's all i seem to do lately. go to school, go to mishka's, drink inordinate amounts of tea, read, and write. i'm trying to stay focused on everything that needs to get done in all the time that i'm not spending asleep.

i'm keeping my head above water, and that's really all there is to it.
 
 
gunther heimlich
04 January 2009 @ 01:04 pm
the day before winter quarter and fuck if i'm not forgetting EVERYTHING i need to do.

TASKS:
wash sheets/duvet cover
finish misc. laundry
clean and vacuum bedroom
color hair
clean out purse
purchase folder, pens, loose leaf paper
organize schoolthings
find iPod???

i'm sure there's more, but i'm just being absent minding. i meant to spend today being productive, but when i got home from work at 930 i fell right back asleep, then spent an hour or so lolling at stupid macros and shizz. but damn, i haven't laughed that hard in AGES. not even LOLcat gets me like batman_lulz did today.

ok, ok. one down, a fuckton more to go.
 
 
gunther heimlich
02 January 2009 @ 07:50 pm
i spent the day in berkeley today, indulged myself with good indian food, coffee and cigarettes in the company of a friend who continues to be an inspiring facet in my life. i am happy, or, i am convincing myself of it. he said to me today, you might as well give up on being happy and just start enjoying unhappy things. i have not yet decided if that is advice to be depressed over, or take to heart...

perhaps i should, though. just take things that cause me some discontent and learn to love them. it's just a matter of convincing yourself, and i already spend a great deal of time talking myself into enjoying things that i have no choice but to partake in and live with. (living at home, spending copious amounts of time along, et cetera.)

this whole "by myself" thing is getting OK though. it was never really bad, per se, but i'm actually finding a contentment towards it growing in me. i look forward to planning days around my solitude. coffee at mishkas, or walking around borders, or taking myself out to lunch. as conor oberst said, "when everything is lonely i can be my own best friend...grab a coffee and a paper, have my own conversations." it's working, little by little. better yet, i am coming to understand myself moreso than i ever have. i am talking to myself, attacking issues in my head, working through things logically without retreating like the weathered solider that i've been into my head-trenches.

it's somewhat enlightening. no, it's quite enlightening! i am knowing myself, it's fantastic! the better i know myself, the better position i will be in to know and understand other people, and the more i will be able to love and accept the ones around me.

i have to be at work at 430 AM. going to bed makes me feel like an old lady, but...so be it. :-)
 
 
gunther heimlich
26 December 2008 @ 06:32 pm
i think it was, by far, the best yet. there is something special about the childhood, santa-filled christmases, and though i miss those days of innocence, i am equally fond of the way things have become now. this holiday was quiet, unassuming, filled with a relaxed happiness i haven't felt in a while.

in contrast, i was miserable christmas eve. my parents dragged - no, wait, they didn't drag. they asked me to come with them to church and i obliged. the music was awkward, the "Drama" was pained and forced, and the message one that i didn't agree with. i spent the entire service snapping a rubber band against the inside of my wrist, taking pleasure in the raised red welt that appeared after the hour had passed.

later that night, jeff came over. we had talked briefly earlier in the day and he confided in me about his moods, his nervousness concerning his performance, and other things weighing on his mind. i felt, if for a moment, closer to him, and i was more than excited to see him. i think that in the back of my mind i'm always convinced that when he calls or comes to see me his is going to admit that it was all a mistake and ask to take me back. i'm always wrong. instead of that, we drove around for an hour while he complained to me about how the new girl he's dating won't "leave her boyfriend" for him. how she blew him away, and he didn't want it to happen but couldn't deny it. i found out that they met that frantic night i came to meet him in berkeley; that she was performing alongside him while he shared secret smiles with me, sitting in the second row. i wanted to vomit, and i found myself crying. he couldn't understand why. i felt sick knowing that that night, after we had sat in a darkened stairwell and he had kissed me crying, telling me that he would stand by me, then in the parking lot, giving me the shirt off his back, still warm with sweat, to sleep in and remind me of him, he went back to the church and met her and she changed everything.

i despise hating people i don't know, but i hope she knows how she ruined everything.

but all that aside...

i laid in bed for hours before i was able to fall asleep and in the morning, celebrated happily while thinking very little about him. my dad got me an autographed first edition copy of angela's ashes, and i cried when i opened it. it was so unexpected, and beautiful, and mine. the other gifts were great, but that one was the best. i'll never have another like it.
 
 
gunther heimlich
21 December 2008 @ 12:36 am
i am on vacation from school now. it's hard, trying to find things to do to fill my time. i've been sleeping late and reading novels now that i have the time. i'm nearly finished with a tree grows in brooklyn; it's beautifully written and the story, in all of it's sadness, has a way of making me happy.

things have passed somewhat uneventfully since jeff and i broke up. i cried for a week straight and thought of nothing but him; i missed him fiercely and everything i saw reminded me of him. now, 3 weeks past, i'm not thinking of him as much. i'm trying to hold the memory of our time together in a safe room at the back of my mind, and not color it with evil thoughts. it would be so easy to declare him a horrible person, to blame him for everything and let hatred ease the pain of missing...but i can't let that happen. he was a good man, one of the nicest i've known in a long time, and he did his best to make me happy. some times, people just don't work together. it's no one's fault either way, and you grow stronger having known them.

maybe this is what they call "growing up". being able to look at such a sad event with an even practicality and find the benefit without pointing fingers or blaming.

still, i miss him, and i think i will for a while until it's been a month or two since i've seen him last and i don't remember all the time what it felt like to sleep next to him. it is said that time heals all wounds, but i don't even feel wounded, just slightly empty. things just happen that way, and you find a way to deal with it. he will be happy and i will be happy and everything will go on as if we'd never met in the first place.

i've been trying to fill my life with beauty to distract myself from all the ugly things in the world. i'm listening to good music, and reading good novels, and keeping company with new and interesting people who make me think about myself and attack the dark clouds in my head with a calculated vengeance. there is one who i met recently and who made me believe that sometimes, good things happen to people who need it to happen the most. i'm not expecting anything or trying to make something happen, but i am enjoying, and i am living. that is all i can ask for.