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run away [02 Aug 2006|03:39pm]
i never felt this way about anyone. i miss miles so much. he left back to monterey yesterday. Im down here in encinitas and he goes back to new york. Ive been with him every hour since the end of june. we have slept in all the same places side by side. ive woken up next to him everyday. I've grown accustomed to his scent and the way he sleeps and how i use to not be able to sleep because of his snoring but i learned to fall asleep to it. I have done so much for him because i have never liked somebody so much. i have never fallen for every aspect of their personality like him. Why does life bring him to me if he lives so far?? i woke up this morning and reached over for him and he wasnt there. i dont know what its like to not be with him. I miss him singing to me. I miss him having to hold me constantly while we slept and if he woke up and his arm wasnt around me he'd make it so it was. I miss his jealous trips every time a guy looked at me. I miss his laugh and how my laugh has become more like his. i miss touching his hair and doing his laundry and helping him choose outfits. I miss confiding in him. Saying goodbye at the bus station was so hard. It hasnt really hit me that hes gone and that i wont see him tomorrow or next month or the next month. Its starting to though. Like right this second. He just called me and i started crying. I never thought id be this weak in this kind of situation. i thought i was stronger. its only been a day and im a mess. i dont feel like going out. it makes me miss him more because everytime ive gone out before was with him. i felt safer with him, less vulnerable. Im a mess. and heartbroken. i need him back
6

i dont know what I will do [26 Jul 2006|05:03pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Oh, when the day is blue
I'll sit here wondering about you
And how the pollen fell all around your face
In strange yellow patterns, but

I wasn't prepared for this, I...
I wasn't prepared for this, I...

When the morning came,
the bees flew down and wrapped themselves around me
and that's when I spoke the word to
have them trace your face for me in pollen. But...

I wasn't prepared for this, I...
I wasn't prepared for this, I...

Come, come back to me my, my darling
Come, come back to me my, my darling

I wasn't prepared for this, I...
I wasn't prepared for this, I...

When the day is blue
I'll sit here wondering about you...

_____________________________________________________________

This song epitomizes how I feel about leaving him at the end of this week. I don't know what I'll do without you. Opposite corners of the country and all. Everything that seperates me from you. I feel rediculous for falling for you so quickly without the thought in my mind that I would have to be seperated from you eventually. Who knows what you'll be doing this time next week or who you will be with or if you will think of me. Should I forget about you? Would it ease the fact that youre gone? I dont know.

chill [14 Feb 2006|06:57pm]
elouai&apos;s doll maker 3

looks a lot l ike me
3

REFLECTION OF A 2005 [26 Nov 2005|07:46pm]
Good news everyone! Its now time for Emilie’s annual rant and rave session 2005! To cap off the year I am blessing the readers of my xanga/live journal/myspace/any other online web log with the sharing of my thoughts and whatever else I can pour out of my ridiculous brain!

Let us begin with all the significant occurrences of the year 2005:

To start the year, my boy friend of almost two years and I made the split. We couldn’t stand each other for much longer so as to solve this problem, he decides to force me to break up with him by being an asshole on purpose. Yea low, I know. That’s pretty much way off of what really happened but I won’t slaughter your ears with that drama. I quit my job at Panera Bread a.k.a hell to obtain an even shittier job at Target Greatland of Encinitas, California. March also held the beginning of the end of my high school “career”. I took the California High School Proficiency Exam. Passed with flying colors but chose to wait it out until the end of the year. Met a boy coincidentally off myspace in January that I happened to fall for and also happened to be much older than me which was an advantage and also a disadvantage. Things grew and then eventually fell like most things in my life of self pity. Coming with april along with showers, was my birthday party. Wow, was that quite the epic event of the year, well month. Stupid me decides to put out an invitation on myspace inviting everyone on my friends list, sonjas, and Lesley’s friends list as well as many others. Rented a hotel room at the best western Encinitas and the world decides to show up. Lots of alcohol and lots of people results in lots of noise eventually results in someone streaking and pulling the fire alarm. Cops came, evicted our asses. I ended up climbing off the balcony in an attempt to escape. Had to pay a fine and 430 dollars was the grand total of what was supposed to be 130 dollars for a suite. COOL. It took quite a while to recover financially while working at Target. Finished high school ahead of my class and in the top 25 % of my 1000 person class. I know, HUGE accomplishment…sike,.
Summer 2005- One of the greatest ever recorded and slightly remembered. Started out summer oh five with a trip to Canada. Not just Canada but Toronto, Canada. Jordan was amazing enough to invite me to visit her birth father and stay with them for a while in Toronto, now one of my favorite places in the world. It was one of the most fabulous experiences of my life. Shopping, met a girl that I had wanted to meet for a while, saw the city, fell in love with it, met a cool family, etc…Toronto is amazing.I will move there. Anyway. Visited my dad. Didn’t do much there. In august, my mother and I were at odds, to say the least. I told her I was going to leave and not come back so she said FINE, little did she know I wouldn’t be coming back. I packed all my shit in one night and left that night. Slept all over the place for a while. Then finally settled at Caroline’s house who I had only met like once or twice. I went to the Gravytrain show the second night I was out. WOW. That’s all I can say about that. Drinking, drugs, music, dancing. For the next two months or so I wasn’t speaking to my mother. It was quite nice. A horrible thing happened though. A falling out with my other half. My best and only friend. I lost her for 4 months. The worse four months to not have her around. Parties parties more parties. I was living it up. I was killing my brain cells and loving every second of it. I wasn’t sleeping. I was doing whatever the hell I wanted and nothing could change that. Well that was until my mom made me come back home or else she would make the cops do it but that wasn’t until after ASR and after I met liz and tori. Before all that happened. I went to a party in Vista and met ( ) who said I couldn’t have a beer unless I kissed him. Didn’t want to kiss him but kissed him on the cheek which I ended up getting tricked and kissed on the lips. Whatever anyways. That person ended up having a lot to do with where I slept for a while and waking up and watching nick game shows and having some of the best times. All of it went away come ASR when I kind of blew it by assuming he wasn’t into me cause he hadn’t called or whatever. Got a hotel room with liz tori krystal Anthony Pablo and some others. Lots of beer turns into lots of nonsense and no sense at all and it really destroyed my reputation when it enveloped to a further web of rediculosity. If that is a word. Next day ASR came. One of the best days of my life.Free beer, free stuff, meeting people, getting hit up by Tony C, meeting corey D, all that good stuff. Spent all day there until it was time to get into the parties that proceeded the trade show. Didn’t get too crazy, not like chris did. “EVERYONE CHILL THE FUCK OUT K?” jesus christ. Numerous fights involving tosh and p kid. All in good drunken fun. Went back to Encinitas. Don’t remember where I slept. Got hated on for a couple months after that day. Pretty ridiculous but whatever. I’m over that part of my life. Lets see what else? Oh before all this I had met ******* whom I hadn’t really gotten into but had been hanging out with occasionally and getting shit for it every time I did. Things definitely came out of that relationship. A lot more than any of my others this year. If you can even call those relationships. Flings and whatnot. No more of those. So later on things got pretty serious with this guy. I was deeply involved and scared to do so. I tend to fall way hard for people I probably shouldn’t be. I won’t get caught up in lovey dovey business after what blossomed from this. I won’t go into it out of respect for this person who probably doesn’t deserve it after all that happened but whatever BASICALLY.

Back at home. And hell it was to move back in with my family. Horrible. Take hell and multiply it by 69 then plus 420 then divide by 666 and you’ll get it. Not much happens after I move back at home. Crazy nights when my parents go out of town when I overdose on vodka cranberries at noah’s house and wake up not knowing how I got in my mom’s bed and into pajamas. Quit my job, quit caring, quit living, quit loving. When I was lower than low, along came Alex Elise Osborne. Wow. And I say wow with the most emphasis you can put on such a word. Two months straight I was with this girl. Every day. I woke up to her, went to sleep to her. Drove her to school, sat at the beach with her for hours, ate with her, sat and watched tv with her all day without being bored. It was really a miracle cause had I not met this girl, I would not be alive today. She changed my outlook on things. We definitely lived each day to its fullest and the sunset would count as so much more than it use to be worth. It may sound cheesy and really ridiculous but its true. I fell in love with this friendship. It was the only thing I had to look forward to. Upon the loss of my family, my friends, my best friend, any future of falling in love, this was the only good thing I had. She ran away and I took her in, I ran away after a huge fight with my mom and she told me I’d be sent to my dads. I ran to Alex. She let me sleep at her house and hid me from my family. She did so much for me… I made it through it all thanks to her and no one else. ANYWAYS, tear tear. But, my parents ended up stealing my car before I could take off to my dad’s house without them knowing so I was forced to return home and FLY up to my dad’s without my car. Here I am now and even a lot has happened while I have been in Pacific Grove. Lots of irresponsible behavior not to mention a few stuff and things here and there. Way to be vague emilie. Anyway . Pacific Grove took away my best friends, old and new. People that I care for, people I have the potential to have a relationship/friendship with, etc… It took away my buddies, my extended family, sisters from another misters, brothers from another mothers, and my little brother. It brought to me lots of republicans, conservatives, fundamental Christians, anti-abortionists, small town gossipers, drama, and on the other hand some really cool people that hate it here as much as me or who can make the best of it. I did get though, in return, my kaitlin back. And I wouldn’t want anything else for christmas

Two thousand and Five has brought on many things. It has changed me. With blonde hair comes a new life. Out with my brown shit hair and bad reputation and in with trying to purify my life with a new hair color. Sounds stupid I know but it means something to me. I know all this rambling and ranting means not a thing to you but it helps me sort out this years happenings and how they have changed me and affected my point of view.

Morals:

Don’t let people control the way you live. People will misconstrue your intentions and make you out to be someone you are not. Do not let it hinder your ability to live. I know its pretty burnt out but seriously, just live. Don’t let a few people’s opinions bring you down. It will pass. I learned that from Liz. All things eventually pass. People hating you, people judging you. Try not to care so much. Live life without giving a fuck about the little things. Who cares what you wear, what music you listen to, who hates you, what clique youre in, if you’re “hippy” enough for them, if your clothes are vintage enough, what drugs you’ve done, who you’ve made out with, if your hair is too long, or too short. Its all a part of the learning process. You live, you do, you learn, you die. Fuck egos. Get off your high horse and get down here with the rest of mankind. Your life is no more significant than the schizophrenic bum in the alley. We all live, we all die the same. It only matters how YOU choose to live your life. Stop patronizing yourself. Let me live my life, and I’ll have no problem letting you live yours. Keep drama to yourself and your own friends. Don’t bring it where its non-existent. Everyone has their faults. Its not going to make you any better by pointing them out because I’m sure we could all get our rocks off by pointing and laughing at you cause you hooked up with so and so while on whatever drug. Honestly, I don’t care. Alex has taught me this. Why care? Worry about the things that are going to change your life. Kaitlin has taught me that jealousy is not a valid feeling. Its really not. it’s a waste of feeling anything. To be jealous of people is honestly a waste of time. Everyone has good things about them. What they don’t have, you probably do. Its very likely. I know the majority of whoevers reading this, if there are any, have probably disliked me for one of many reasons at some point. I have my faults. I have done stupid things and my personality is definitely not at its peak. I am weak, confrontational, reactive, angry, bitter, jealous, irresponsible. But I have aspects that make up for those weaknesses.

Moral of the story.

Don’t let the opinions and/or actions of others affect your reason to live or how you are living. Love the people you have an appreciate them, they might not be there the next day.

Happy Holidays everyone, with a new year comes a new life. A new page In your book.


(edit: I forgot however to include something very important and significant.. While I was trying to figure out where I would place this, I forgot to even put it in. A relationship that lasted a couple months that had absolutely no drama and no fights or anything. It was pretty much a miracle. So Kyle, do not think that I forgot on purpose. Its only because our relationship involved no bad things, and thats a good thing)
6

[17 Sep 2005|08:50pm]
ive lost everyone.

and I don't care about any of you anymore because you don't care about me. No matter what you say.
3

canada pictures [12 Jul 2005|09:53pm]
http://photobucket.com/albums/y282/deadlambs/oh%20canada/



more to come


but theyre up the wahoo
9

[28 Oct 2004|10:03pm]



lose with eloquence



this is the life, this is the true story of...


PJ Knudsen

" you think you know, but you have NO idea "
28

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