|sighs, lies, and poolhall scrapes
||[Mar. 3rd, 2005|09:14 am]
-Ok. so maybe I don't know you. I talk like a shitting windbag about my life because you know why? even if you never open up to me and tell me what is going on with you, somehow I've given you the offering of you knowing me. You're right. That is really unhealthy and strange behavior. You can make it look anyway you want but you're the one who never tells me anything and leaves me in the dark about you. so do what you will. you will probably do the same routine. as will I. this is called being human mesupposes.
-i have some awful ulcery-feeling pain in my stomach. i keep thinking of lines from richard price's "clockers" where Mookie, the protag, has to compulsively drink Yoo-Hoos to keep his stomach from burning itself up. I'll work on some correlative thoughts and get back to you.
-last night the hell couple reached a violent apex. he kicked in their door and she runs, screaming "DONT!!DONT!!!!" so i called the chi-po's and they come on the scene and he's yelling at his woman "DID YOU CALL THE FUCKING COPS?! I'VE BEEN TO JAIL 4 TIMES AND I'M NOT GOING FOR YOU! WHO THE FUCK CALLED THEM?" so i'm standing int the darkness in my living room, talking to my mom who is berating me about 'its not right to do the right thing sometimes' and sharpening my knives. it quiets down. the guy is an asshole, the cops wanna kick his ass but they came at the right time, before anything got serious and obvious. i have conflicted sleep. less and less I depend on other people. and less and less I feel supported by anyone. i don't know if these are correlated. i always thought people wanted friends and others to support them. i just want some friends who are into what I am into and want to have fun with me.
-last night I went over to Robyn's house and it fine until her friends showed up. a 'conversation' I had with someone consisted of them telling me over and over again how much they don't like new country music, here are the qualifications in my opinion for certain types of music to be classified 'new country', you know it sounds like this and there's no FOLK, no FOLK sound in today's country music, like DYLAN. That kinda stuff. Like this stuff on the radio that's like (sings)'No Shirt No Shoes No Service.' or like Toby Keith or anything else they play on (forgot name of radio station). and then they all went to go outside and smoke cigarettes. and they invited me and thought it was weird that I didn't go with them. fuckers! do you think I want to share in your boring, passe consumption of death stick shitsmoke? the fucking cool kids DON'T SMOKE, yo. that is werd'em the fuck up on that.
I am really really bad at small talk sometimes. its just so much more interesting to observe the matrices of people's opinions, to take them apart and see their petty biases and assumptions that govern their ultimately uninformed actions.