Tue, Aug. 12th, 2008, 12:14 pm
Sometimes I want to talk about whats going on, and how I feel, and rabble rabble blah blah blah
i would be really worried about life but the first song i heard on sunday was Waterfalls by TLC. so im sure things are going to be fine.
Sun, Jul. 20th, 2008, 10:07 pm
it just wasn't in me. i could not fly straight to save my life.
Sun, Jul. 13th, 2008, 12:56 pm
Also I miss the days when every moment felt like 2 a.m.
My hair isn't long enough to give off a lavender scent when it's raining, and we ain't young. You don't make me nervous and I can't believe what has happened and even more so, what hasn't. I was a friend and we were living large in vessels that freckled holding on tight to everything we could. You're always grounded, mentally and for real (your father was always so strict). So what do we do?
We make plans.
They always fall through.
There was a short period of time this year when I was happy. I woke up early, and took my time. I danced in front of strangers and windows wider than my wing span while snow fell and there was no hope for parking ( my soul. ). Any! How! I was thinking and feeling, and I allowed myself to fall asleep next to someone who was kissing my shoulders. I was myself and it was important because it was good.
I am constantly wishing for the day to start, and I decide to be powerful instead of incapable and getting fat is the only thing I have to show for my part-time sanity.
I was never this shy before.
Wed, May. 28th, 2008, 09:02 am
Dreaming elsewhere. Oh. Scary. So good. I miss.
Fri, May. 23rd, 2008, 05:24 pm
you loved sun showers, right? and I didnt understand a thing until my legs were moving in slow motion but my heart was exceeding the speed limit and my head was screaming but not outloud. you don't know how excellent you look in the most sleepiest of fashions. Im loud and waiting for all of this to get worse. My mouth is saying things outloud that my head is begging me to keep to myself. I know my heart doesnt look like I think it does. I imagine cardboard, and it's raining so I guess we're screwed. You were so beautiful that time you laughed at my success. Beautiful, really. But any of other description would have seemed the grimiest, most terrible. I suppose it was geeking out. But we all took part. It's too early today for this to seem like the past. But its here, and (there) and so loud. I am terrified in the most prepared way, and I cant even believe half the things we are all so worried about will matter in a year anyway, so where are we going to end up?
Fri, May. 23rd, 2008, 05:58 am
i remember the sound of your november downtown
Wed, May. 21st, 2008, 03:34 pm
it wasnt anything like that anyway. it wasnt anything at all ever ever ever ever
Mon, Jan. 14th, 2008, 12:54 am
cos it already is, cos it already is
Sun, Sep. 30th, 2007, 06:00 pm
i know exactly what im doing wrong, i just don't know why i am doing it.
i don't get it. take me somewhere where i don't have to.
Thank goodness for this new found cold otherwise it just wouldnt have smelled the same. Working as a substitute for what would usually be the scent of recovering from getting salt water up my nose. It's not so bad. It's not so scary. It's never smelled like that any other day but maybe it was just a new Monday thing that I had been missing out on for the past few weeks. Maybe it was the seashells. All in my head. Check check minus. Maybe. Always maybe. That's okay. It was definately so okay. What was usually a temptation and fear suddenly became a world that I missed, and always forget to remember. It didnt even hurt. But it wasnt fair either. We sat stoned, on stones that had nothing to do with you, but you were all I could think about, so you were all I could talk about. My silly slurred description will never do justice to the person you were and it was too dark to see my face and the way even my hands reacted to the sound of your name. Mid story, both my posture and heart were demoted to my feet, I don't even know why I had shoes on. Is that even allowed? In any case, they will make for cute decorations trailing behind my bicycle when I go to you. Kind of like when newly weds drive away. I seriously don't understand how much sense it makes, and that my dear, is fucked up. But ha ha ha, what's not? It's just like, we are so small, but I am so convincing. I tell you we are the equvilent of a car but no one else agrees, and my stomach hurts so bad, but I can't help but want to scream that I think you might be saving my life. And I wish I could do the same.
And whenever I was alone, the lights were low, and I would dance foolishly with myself in whatever space I could find sometimes even waltzing diagonally through the room for mileage, and down the hall. No one would know, and it wouldnt matter if they did. Only for a second, and I can remember him laughing at me so surprised to find me sitting indian style sipping solid fruit listening to what could be my new favorite song, or it would have been then. The now things then seem so surreal, always. I have to laugh. It doesnt make sense for me to be so unhappy with all these things going on in my head, all the moments where I just said fuck it, and made way for good. And it was. so. good. If we could rewind back to the days we spent laying in bed forgetting about windows, when everything came as a shock, even after months, constantly so close, not even steps but inches at a time, making everything matter in its own way. Each memory reserved for something and there are so many. Even after it went bad, and back to good, where it wasn't just love but friendship overflowing with attraction, and basically addiction to each other. Instead of hiding, wanting. And every car sounded like yours only because I wanted your arrival so bad. And now? Im not sure how it would end up but most likely the same. "Oh so you're maura" he says. It's mostly strange, because I don't know. I really don't know. Im actually not even sure if I said yes to such of accusation. He looked good, and different, and it's been 3 years. He's seemed to have grown down instead of up, and I want to tell him how beautiful I think that is, but I know it's wrong. Or maybe it's only really wrong, because he wouldnt be so flattered with my observation, not like how he used to be. "You change lives" he says, and I just wanted to scream "Stranger! who is telling you these circus stories, lives? I rarely change my clothes." But I just laughed. Because thats all I ever do. His friend did all the talking, and that friend wasn't me. And just so it's easier (not easier but more enclosed), I ignore all of this for the most part and focus on bullshit meaningless goals that just further my own demise. And so it goes, always. Has been like this forever. Never satisfied, denying all things positive so I can stay stuck like this until I just can't take it anymore. I thought I had built up some form of immunity to this fucking bullshit, but if anything, it's really just taken over. I know if I think about it I really don't want to go back to being uncertain of how many unsteady steps I'd be able to take before collapsing dead on the floor, and I really am so tired of sailing on the high seas every weekend, and having my soul be completely shipwrecked all week. all day, every day. and I know I shouldnt be here. Hitting bottom used to be so enlightening, but falling through the ground... not so much. And I know, I could wake up tomorrow, and change everything, and think differently, and live. But like, nah. I'll probably just wake up angry that Im fat, miserable, and braindead. Actually, I probably won't even sleep. I really do need to grow up, Im really too old to be this much of a dramagay. Ick.
it's just really hard to believe things will get better. and it's not even like i feel sorry for myself. im just like "oh..." all the timeeeeeeee, but i guess not really because it hurts. fkldasjfkjdsfkdsfdskj huh.
please stop, relax, laugh, and love your friends.
(i am still very very sorry for being so gone... uggggggggggh)
i wrote a song. it was slow and long. i wrote the words and the music wrong but life goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on. and on and on and on and on and on...
Mon, Jan. 29th, 2007, 08:13 pm
dear, unlock the door, you're acting like a child
Mon, Jan. 22nd, 2007, 06:09 am
yo karma, i've got your back
Thu, Jan. 11th, 2007, 06:50 am
i tell you now, livejournal is the most dangerous angel to ever be dubbed wings, because it most definately has. been.
i have read my livejournal*s!!!!!* of the past seven years, and my heart has been both destroyed and reminded, and i hate who i've become, orlackofwhoivebecome. and i want to go back but thats just as pathetic as reading such bullshit and i am dizzy and tired, and i am sorry i am always too scared to answer my phone...
Fri, Jan. 5th, 2007, 06:51 pm
i still want to kiss brandon boyd pretty bad....
Thu, Dec. 28th, 2006, 12:39 am
Nothing really matters when you're dizzy anyway right? so why has it been warm? and why isnt it now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now and I keep thinking to myself that anything that is actually in good condition never really mattered anyway, right? I dont think so, but sometimes it makes sense...
Tue, Dec. 26th, 2006, 08:48 pm
i have recently swore off drinking, smoking, eating, swearing, rational thinking, and kissing. i will not be partaking in any of these activies until further notice. thank you.
Mon, Dec. 25th, 2006, 12:44 pm
Talya, mi dearest baby babygurl via the sister piece forming my niece, just went up to my sister, and was all "Mommy, when I get bigger I am going to buy you special presents."
Wed, Dec. 13th, 2006, 12:07 am
1.) Where did you ring in 2006?
In my room with Jeff, Jackie, and Jed. Giddy drunk.
2.) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
Status? I didnt have a boyfriend. I got drunk off wine that I stole from my house with Mike Leal, and when Jocelyn called me I just giggled into the phone for ten minutes and she thought I was on E.
3.) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
The school of Hardknocks, as well as The Academy of Ted Francis Leo Check List Knowledge University.
4.) How did you earn your keep?
HA. Okay. From mid January to the first week of February I worked at Honey Farms until I locked myself in the store one night and then the next time I had to work Jocelyn and I just got really high and went to the SCB. HA. Then from March to May I worked at a temp angency making mad bills checking my myspace repeatedly and completely slacking. One time Jocelyn and I were assigned to the same temp job and an hour into it we quit, and then got high, and went to the SCB in our work attire. Classy. Then I worked at Franco's Pizza, and the owner's were dreamy greek god's and I wanted to marry into the business. I quit after a month. THEN I worked at Barnes and Noble. Quit. and Now since September I have worked at Tortilla Sam's, and I love it. And it's the longest I've kept a job since I was 16. HA. uuuuuuuuuuuuhYUP.
5.) Did you end up in the hospital?
Yup. Alcohol Poisoning. At Paper. I dont know. I woke up the next morning still wasted. Impressive. I thought I was drinking wine when I was chugging whiskey. Apparently Emily danced me into a coma.
6.) Have you ever encountered the police?
I got pulled over with Jocelyn about 900 times, one time because i was speeding and watching her old choreography to the Aladdin soundtrack. OH yeah, and then at Jocelyn's Bday party, Me, Josh and Eric got arrested......
7.) Where did you go on vacation?
No where. I vacationed via drugs and alcohol this year.
8.) What did you purchase that was over $500?
an apartment sort of?
9.) Did you know anybody who got married?
10.) Did you know anybody who passed away?
11.) Have you run into anybody you graduated high school with?
12.) Did you move anywhere?
13.) What sporting events did you go to?
I attended a gymnastics meet in the middle of Lancaster St. one Sunday.
14.) What concerts did you go to?
haha So many Piebald. So many Ted Leo. Minus the Bear, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmm lottttttttttttsss
15.) Are you registered to vote?
16.) If so, did you do your patriotic duty on Nov. 7?
17.) Where do you live now?
18.) What did you do on your birthday?
went on a job interview, jumped off a bridge into waterrrr, smoked some random guys joint, was wicked stoned, got in the weirdest fight with Steve, went to Jocelyn's because her and tina made me a cake, and then went home.
19.) What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2006?
I dont want to say, but I dont want to say because it was SO. PERFECT.
20.) What is one thing you regretted this year?
Way. way. way too manythings... but only somtimes. What's that worth?
21.) What's something you learned about yourself?
My self knowledge and awareness comes and goes, I wish I was secure enough to be certain about anything I do.
22.) Any new additions to your family?
Babies. The only constant in my life is half black babies. No lie.
23.) What was your best month?
August. Oh my god.
24.) What from pop culture will you remember 2006 by?
Seriously 2006 was one long blackout drunk
25.) How would you rate this year with a scale from 1 (worst) to 10 (the best)?
Ups and downs, probably the most fucked year of my life, and amazing, but what do I know? I was pretty wasted the whole time.
there was a lot of this in so many forms:
I dont think I could be anymore impressive if I tried
Sat, Dec. 9th, 2006, 12:02 pm
Hello, I like to ruin myself on a regular basis.
Uh huh uh huh
Mon, Dec. 4th, 2006, 05:57 pm
baby, baby, im not so sure what you want from me
Sat, Nov. 11th, 2006, 04:01 pm
i just got the urge to get reallly really high and go to church
Sun, Oct. 22nd, 2006, 04:14 pm
please forget my face please forget my face
strange, and expendable,
and complete strangers want me around more.
and i am more comfortable with that
and i dont want to be reminded (whereareoyuwhereareyouawhwweereareeeeeyouuuuuuuuuuuuu where have you beeennnnn?)
Tue, Oct. 17th, 2006, 06:34 pm
okay, so something about loving someone for who they are and what they might become. you were in my dream last night, dressed as i imagine you do now, the style my subconcious thinks you would have grown into, beach pants in winter. beach anything in winter. we didnt really talk, and i cant believe i slept through such beautiful eye contact, but when i woke up, i almost cried because i didnt have a calender to X off the days into our traditional reunion that i dont see happening this year, but things... change so fast. so, very. faaaaaaaaaaaast.
i dont understand my life or what i am doing but the other day i walked across a busy road, and this woman held her horn down, her car screaming at me, and i didnt look up, or speed up my pace, or anything. i actually didnt react in any way. it felt so good.
i just want yellow days as a constant, and opportunities to jump into water.
i need the beach.
so take me to it.
and if you werent real, id make you up. if you werent real, id make you up. if you werent real, id make you up. if you werent real, id make you up. if you werent real, id make you up.
the first time i heard live at sin-e i was with a boy and his brother, and it didnt feel weird to be so inlove.
Sat, Aug. 19th, 2006, 11:15 pm
i needed a reminder of the remainder of everything swellllllllllllllllllll. current and what could be, it's really sort of lovely, actually.
Thu, Aug. 17th, 2006, 02:00 am
so if you leave sanity at 7:19pm, going 93 MPH, WEST! and they hop a train at 6 going .NAH MPH, who will arrive at LIFELOVEREVERSABLE/FIRST!
i think that he was beautiful and so close to being everything i wanted when i was 13 years old, i wont ask him how he does it, and if i did, he wouldnt answer, but its what i want, for reasons immature. but he was beautiful, he was beautiful, and if he attains beauty at this/that rate... then what am i, if he is holding my hand?
if he is holding my head up?
if i am asleep on his lap on the way home?
swiper no knowledge, you have some kind of love but its nothing like ours, beesKNEES!
moments. so many
and now i want to be forgotten (and i dont want to be reminded?
wicker basket helmets and picture portrait machine guns + misbehavior(poorconduct)(composure)(you fail at popquizadultsatz1!)
sanding your split ends because you think you love everyone that thinks they love you too, but you say things to me that any girl would be proud enough to mention but i keep it to myself because i dont want it to ever lose it's worth, and i would hate for the tone of my voice to ever belittle what you mmight have pretended.
and on the shelf beside you,
i loved him
but it/I should end.
It doesnt feel good to think about you now, so what am I missing? I have nightmares a lot these days, which is strange because I just sleep through them and onto the next. When I was little I would scream until my parents would come to me, I would be too scared to even get up and run to them. and when I was a little older, I would just avoid sleep all together, and now, I have these ridiculous dreams that are either completely fucked, or too realistic, so I wake up devastated. It hurts, and I hate it. Anyway, moving on. It's cold, this isnt a complaint. It doesnt feel like August, and I think thats beautiful. It sounds like late september, and looks like either the first days of the early years of grammar school or the last days of march the past few years depending on what Im thinking about when Im sitting outside, eh March is probably an exaggeration. Yeah. uhhhhhhm. ocean ocean ocean ocean not enough. of it near me. I dont do anything these days. Sometimes I work. I never see anyone because I have no way to get to them. My cell phone is napping for the next two weeks. I have high hopes for this year, but I dont know why because nothing will come of it, so many things were supposed to happen last year and when it all fell through, i sort of died (no. really though. negative will to live.) perhaps this year can be something of a resurection. maybe. i need to get my head back in books, and my ass back to school. but for the most part my goals probably still remain as shallow as uhhhhhhh getting a boyfriend, losing 40 pounds, growing my hair to the small of my back, and learning how to surf. a cartwheel once a day like vitamins, dear. i need to get my priorities straight, but i say that everyday... so, uhmmmmmmm i wish the anniversary had never broken up.
Thu, Jul. 27th, 2006, 02:30 pm
this morning at like 6, hellascene and i jumped off the side of the mass pike. i liked it. we listened to smashing pumpkins on the way there. i liked that too.
if i waited a few more hours id probably have something completely different to say, but thats not how i am, and thats whats exciting about life i guess. i might get up and dance, im not very good at dancing. im not very good at a lot of things, but i could be, i dont know. most of the time, i dont know, or i do know, but the way i know it, is crazy, so i just say i dont know. im happy sometimes, i think. how do you know? you just do.(not!) thats how. thats what they'll say. if you're worried, don't be, because you might not have the time but the beach has call waiting, alright? it's been on hold for about three years, it's okay, running out of free minutes, we've got the skills to pay the bills, sooner or later, right? sure. why not? you can't tell me why not because you don't know and i don't either. most of the time i just want to go back to the days when jimmy had the ability to walk. yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Wed, Jun. 21st, 2006, 07:15 am
yesterday i got really high, and drove down long roads sandwiched underneath lightning and this absurd sunset. i hung my hand out the window causing my cleanliness and temperature to become lopsided, but thats okay because rain doesnt threaten these perfect days just accentuates them, and my anticipation for it shouldnt be such a shameful secret, but in any case, it was probably the most beautiful thing i had ever felt, and seen. and i was with my friend, and we were listening to the best of R's, imported Radiohead followed by Rage Against the Machine, and I wanted to touch his face with my pre-summer air exposed hand to cool him down or wake him up, maybe just check if he had a fever, but i didnt because that would be weird, but it probably wouldnt have mattered either way, and that was what the last hours of my teenage years consisted of before the divorce struck at midnight. these years probably took more out of me than i could have afforded to lose, making me less of the person i was supposed to be, leaving me with bad credit and a crazy heart&head so lazy with payments. i probably should have signed some prenuptial agreement at the age of twelve, but i fell for these years and growing ages so fast and blindly i forgot about all the important paperwork, but how can i feel bad about that when the last moments of this affair was that beautiful? pretty security blanket sky transitioning meee. so whoever made that, thank you, the last of my teenage gratuity goes to you.
20, are you fucking kidding me?
One of the mornings when I used to wake up, I wasnt alone, or unsure, or focused, and that was okay, but I got nervous, it wasn't my bed, or my room, and I was saying all these things to this person, who I didnt know but he had kept me company for years, but everything I said meant nothing, but he could hear them, so they were there, stupid hollow shapes falling out of my mouth in the most horrible 70's cartoon colors, this morning would have been perfect for so many reasons but it wasnt him, so it wasnt anything. at all. and i took a bike, and rode myself home, and i got lost. this will stop now because i'll be too busy swaying back to some 14 year old corner i only met once. i can do that, you know. remembering now feels like putting my hands up to a cold glass case in a museum, and i know i shouldnt do it, but i cant help myself (ever) and from certain angles, and depending on how i squint the back of my remembering eyes, i catch my reflection and the scene changes, and i am back to now, and i dont want to be. at all. I miss you I misssssss you. (it) For a really long time, I didnt want to say a thing. I would make these absurd promises that were more like fucked up goals, where the ability to think and speak became a privilege, and I didnt deserve it for the stupidest reasons, like no words could matter exiting a mouth so gross on a face so ugly attached to a body so flawed, like it mattered, because it doesnt. And I dont understand why. Im not thinking or remembering straight, but I know that I miss you, and I wish you would come back and challenge my head, and help me forget about everything else. even for a little while.
Sat, Apr. 15th, 2006, 07:18 pm
SO. The other day was absurd. First off, it was probably the most beautiful day ever. The weather has been so uplifting and lovely, and I sort of want to date it. So nice. Jocelyn and I kissed and picked up Amber and Libby, then we went and got Hellascene, and then we went to pick up Emily in Framingham. Jocelyn's played her piano dashboard during Nightmare of You, and I got to lay across Libby, Amber, and Hellascene on the way back to Worcester, Amber held me really tight and we all laughed the whole way back. It was perfect. Like, I just smile thinking back to it, because we really were laughing so hard for so long. Loved it. So we all went to the carnival. Im terrified of heights, but the Ferris Wheel was excellent. We went on a boatride thing and I really honestly thought it was going to flip over, I was freaking out, and Jocelyn pretended to hold my hands to calm me down but then she made me lift my arms up, and I was so scared but it felt so good so I couldnt have gotten upset, and uuuuuuuugh. so good. Anyway. Libby headed home which was sad because I really always want her near me. sigh! Then we met up with JESSIE and SAM. They walked into Honey Farms and we were so loudly loving, everyone that didn't know us was just like "Wow. These people uhhh really like eachother and sandwiches and orange juice." And we do. I WAS SO HAPPY THEY CAME. We went to Clark to see Owen, and we walked in late but we explained ourselves and no one in the crowd liked it but whatever. The show. was. beautiful. Oh.my.goodness. Then we went to Denny's. Sam. OH MY GOD. She was fucking perfect. And I spilt on Jessie. But, She forgave me and I am in love with her. And. All my friends. And well, it was just a really good night. And these pictures are obnoxious.Whhhhhhhhhtever. ( Laughing til we're gagging violentlyCollapse )
Sat, Aug. 27th, 2005, 04:30 am
traffic light rave, you are(!) beautiful, and to that, we kiss.
i didnt start crying til the last 320 ft, because the late night(am) grass showers sounded like (both) slithering and snickering snakes with an agenda i am sure i didnt agree with, and you werent here to protect me...